Click. Click. KABOOM!

Too much?

It’s not. I assure you.

There’s not enough C-4 or TNT or Semtex or fertilizer on the planet.

Do you suppose that I just showed up on the FBI’s radar for that last sentence? Hiya, FBI!

Regardless, kaboom goes the bandwagon of ye olde Buccos of Suckitude AKA The Suckitude AKA The team that puts the uck in suck.

You guys, I really thought this was the year. I mean that. I felt it down in my toes, all the way up to that stubborn gray hair, which, son of a bitch, that thing is stubborn.

When this season started, you read how confident I was. It really seemed like our fortunes were going to change this year. We were hanging in there. Always just a few games from .500 ball. One little sweep away from .500 ball.

Like a train slowly leaving the station, the Buccos were running alongside it, trying their hearts out to jump on.

Then the train picked up speed and they were running just slightly behind it, but certainly it wasn’t out of the question that if someone just stood on the caboose and reached out a helping hand, they could grab hold and hop on.

Then the train was a dot on the horizon and the Pirates were left standing on the tracks, watching it disappear, leaving them in a cloud of suckitude. Familiar familiar suckitude.

Do you guys read Hyperbole and a Half? I wish I had her artistic ability to show you my emotional state as this season progressed from YES! to Maybe? to NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo.

This is the best I can do:

More later on this subject. For now, I’m just going to sit and watch the pretty fire, and drink what’s left of the margaritas until I’m too drunk to care about 18 years of losing.

Burn, baby, burn.


  1. toni
    August 25, 2010 3:45 pm

    I think it was tha margaritas that got you in troubloe in the first place…believing that any MLB team Nutting owns would even approach the word winning.

    Read Si’s take on the Pirates:

    Then enjoy the video courtesy of the PPG:

  2. Sooska
    August 25, 2010 4:17 pm

    will NOT say I told you so.

    Hyperbole and a Half is the BEST. Read the ones about the dog, the spider, the bike and…oh hell.. read the whole thing. It will take your mind off loser baseball for good.

  3. bluzdude
    August 25, 2010 4:26 pm

    Hyperbole and a Half is the only blog that makes me laugh out loud every single time, forcing me to clamp my hands over my mouth, and involuntarily blow out my eardrums.

    This is like a Calvin-centric homage.

  4. red pen mama
    August 25, 2010 4:31 pm

    I, too, am a huge Hyperbole and a Half fan.

    But more importantly: Food for thought just in case you are thinking of building a bandwagon for next season:

    You’re welcome.

  5. bucdaddy
    August 25, 2010 5:03 pm

    OK, that was pretty funny.

  6. CuriousestGeorge
    August 25, 2010 7:53 pm

    Well, I’m optimistic. When you are the worst team in baseball, there’s only one direction to travel. I mean, figure the odds of being the absolute baddest team there is two years running! Think how good you will feel next year when the Pirates win the World Series and you know you have stuck with ’em. (Who knows? It could happen!)
    Curiouser things have happened.

  7. Lisa J
    August 25, 2010 8:54 pm

    I won’t say I told you so. I could say I told you so, but I’m just not going to say I told you so. Even though way back before the season started, and you and Burgh Baby (or Burgh Baby’s mom or Michelle – I get confused, too) started your compition I was team Burgh Baby all the way, but saying I told you so would just be mean. So I’m not going to say I TOLD YOU SO.

    Look on the bright side, at least they’re consistent.

  8. Pa-pop
    August 25, 2010 9:27 pm

    It just hit me now like a double off the Clemente Wall. An oft-employed phrase used by H. Ross Perot in the fall of 1992 was “that giant sucking noise.” ’92 was the last year the Bucs navigated their ship on waters above .500. Coincidence? I think not.

    Given Perot’s sensitive auditory sense (remember the debate when he said he was “all ears”?), perhaps that giant sucking noise was actually the nascent stage of a giant swirlie in the vicinity of the Great Confluence. Perot may have been trying to make a point about the domestic economic impact of free trade policy involving places south of the border, but maybe all he really heard was a noise no further south than where the Mon meets the Allegheny.

    I may be reaching here, but what Buc fan isn’t these days? I’m willing to bet 18 years of moribund baseball won’t end until Perot Bobblehead night at PNC. Or better yet, when the Buc brass invites the 80-year old Texan to exorcise our diamond demons by throwing out the first pitch.

    Curse of the Bambino – maybe not. But suckitude and sucking noises may have merged in the cosmos in the fall of 1992 and until now we may not have been aware of it. H. Ross Perot may be our only hope.

  9. bucdaddy
    August 25, 2010 10:32 pm

    The Pirate Perot? He was selling cocaine in the clubhouse back in the ’80s.

  10. Tom Pendergast
    August 26, 2010 7:25 am

    I’ve thrown together a little Google Spreadsheet to track the road to 100+ losses for the year.

    Just FYI for anyone who doesn’t know: While 100 out of 162 games is no mathematical benchmark, the loss of 100 games (a nice, round number) has long been the sign of an incredibly bad baseball team.

  11. Jill
    August 26, 2010 7:34 am

    Took the kids to see the Wiggles on Sunday and even they made a joke about the Pirates ….

  12. Pingback: Slate covers The Pirates | Pittsburgh Metblogs

  13. Naten53
    August 26, 2010 9:51 am

    I thought this article was going to be about blowing up a girl’s pink backpack with a doll, some business cards, and ravioli near the same place as the microwave.

  14. toni
    August 26, 2010 12:54 pm

    Hey Pa-pop,

    Does that mean we can put Nutting down with the crazy Aunt in the basement?

  15. JennyMoon
    August 26, 2010 1:01 pm

    There is always next year! Let’s go Bucs!

  16. Just A Simple Man
    August 26, 2010 1:10 pm

    18 years of ignominy.

    –noun, plural -min·ies for 2.
    disgrace; dishonor; public contempt.
    shameful or dishonorable quality or conduct or an instance of this.
    Search ignominy on the Web
    1530–40; < L ignōminia, equiv. to ig- (for in- in-3 , appar. by assoc. with ignōbilis ignoble, ignōtus unknown, etc.; cf. cognomen) + nōmin- (s. of nōmen ) name + -ia -y3

    1. disrepute, discredit, shame, obloquy, opprobrium. See disgrace.

  17. CrashJK
    August 26, 2010 1:14 pm

    Took my 10 year old son to the Bucs vs Cardinals game last night…and we joked about people who don’t understand baseball, live in statistically worlds and don’t have a love of “the game” nor understand what is required to hit a fast ball….well, some of those I mused about in my head as I cheered and screamed for Neil Walker, Pedro Alvarez, Evan Meek, GI Jones and yes, even Albert Pujols (can’t deny the man’s talent)…hell, I even bought a new Pirates cap to show my commitment to the team and the sport in general.

    All you haters, just keep feeding the fires, pledge your vile to Ron Cook and the idiots on The Fan 93.7. Those of us who love the game we’ll continue to show up or watch on TV (haven’t missed watching but 10 games this year, and I saw the first 3 innings on the home opener on TV as my wife was in labor, she wanted the game on, not me….so there).

    Go Buccos…I still love the players and game.


  18. betoon
    August 26, 2010 1:16 pm

    Isn’t St. Jude the patron saint of hopeless causes…just saying. In theory if we want to get thing moving we’re supposed to bury a saint’s statue in front of the stadium. I suggest St. Nutting.

  19. No One On Here Knows Baseball
    August 26, 2010 2:32 pm

    Yes let’s blame the Pirates for you being an idiot who knows nothing about sports and can’t see that the team was clearly going to be bad once again this season.

  20. was a fan
    August 26, 2010 7:27 pm

    I am 38 years old. I was at a business lunch yesterday when my co-worker, who is 22 and just graduated from college stated he doesn’t have any memory of the Pirates having had a good season. That was when it hit me what 18 years really means. I was lucky I lived in the years before it.

  21. Rob
    September 8, 2010 3:56 pm

    I turn off the Internet for a couple days trying to destress and I miss this.