That's Church

As you know, in the Burgh there rages a spirited debate about the future of the Civic/Mellon Arena.

Some, such as the Penguins, Lukey, Dan Onorato and lots of Burghers believe it should be destroyed in the name of development.

Others believe it is an historical building that should be considered a permanent part of the Pittsburgh skyline as the Space Needle is to Seattle’s. That it should be repurposed.

Is repurpose actually a word, I wonder, or is it like tranforminituitiated or irreconcilasponsible in that respect?

Moving on, a public meeting was held yesterday when this happened:

Chief among them was Penguins president David Morehouse, who was booed when he suggested the arena’s retractable roof “never opened because it never worked.”

Let’s just say in this case, he’s wrong. Let’s say that’s not why the roof of the arena is never open. I personally have never seen the thing open other than that one time the helicopter fell through the opening and landed on the ice during the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals and Jean Claude Van Damme was all, “I’m about to have a very bad day.” Remember that time? Maybe the helicopter broke the roof?

But let’s say for the sake of argument that David Morehouse is wrong. Let’s say you want him to take you seriously enough so that you can prove him wrong. Let’s say you want him to say to himself, “The other side of this argument is being argued by some very intelligent people. Perhaps I should listen to them,” a great way to make that not happen is TO FREAKING BOO THE MAN.

I get booing during sporting games. The loudest boos of my life have been reserved for Marian Hossa and Tom Brady. And every one of the Flyers.  And the Red Wings. And the Ravens. And the new Penguins Ice Girls. Boo to them all. And if the Steelers ever get cheerleaders? They will taste my boos.

But booing outside of sporting events? Booing because you don’t like what someone is saying?

It seems counterproductive. It seems childish. It makes one bad booing apple spoil the whole bunch of non-booing intelligent respectful apples.

Does it ever work? Does a person ever get booed and say, “Hmmm. I am beginning to question my feelings here?” Does Sid ever think, “Gosh. Maybe I DO suck!” Did Princess Buttercup think, “Maybe I AM the Queen of Putrescence.”

I don’t think so, but just to be sure, the next time I’m having an argument with my husband and he’s all, “I really think we should just get rid of your giant hunk of junk and get a new car because we’re putting so much money into that thing and now the muffler is hanging low. How about we go look at a nice Mazda 5 for you?” I will get right in his face, nose to nose, and say, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I’ll even throw in two thumbs down for good measure.

I’ll let you know how it goes over.

Oh, and P.S., David Morehouse? 4,743 is more than a “few facebook friends.”

P.P.S. David Conrad’s ass was in my passenger seat. I’ll drive that SUV of doom until the canary dies.

1. I am trying to get back into the swing of things here in the Burgh since my return from vacation and this week is madness. MADNESS I TELL YOU. I have one child starting school, one toddler to prepare for preschool, the Tassy event at the Priory, opening night of the Phantom of the Opera, Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund Footsteps in Faith Run That I Will Walk, and then a wedding.

Add to that dentist appointments, vet appointments, blogging, column writing, and next week I’m drilling with a local fire station and THIS IS ME AS A HEADLESS CHICKEN.

Bawk.

Or is it bock?

2. So my sister Tina Fey, a huge health nut, convinced me while on vacation that high fructose corn syrup is deviljuice and since my return home, I’m trying to rid my house of the stuff. Not. Easy!

My God, they’ll sneak that shit into anything, won’t they?

3. Lots of you emailed me this picture of Daniel Sepulveda with Taylor Lautner, I think because they figured it would be double hotness for me.

But I just don’t find 18-year-old boys attractive.

However, judging from the incoming searches from Google that land on my site, there are droves of girls, teens, and moms stalking him and trying to find out where he’s sleeping here in Pittsburgh while filming. I hope that boy sleeps with one eye open … and his blankie BECAUSE HE IS A CHILD, LADIES.

4. Your chance to be a permanent part of the Mario Mosaic at the new Consol Energy Center is coming to a close.

Until August 31, you can submit a photo of you, your family, your pets, or maybe your self-united husbands to the Mario Lemieux Foundation and for a fee of $66 dollars your photo will be joined with other photos to make one giant picture of Mario Lemiuex.

A permanent tribute to the President of Pittsburgh, as I call him.

That makes Nathalie the First Lady, Nancy Angus his Chief of Staff, and me the girl hauled away by the secret service for suspicious, fervent, and ceaseless stalking.

Anyway, you can go here to submit your picture. First come, first serve, because once the spots are filled, you’ve lost your chance to be a part of the Mario magic. All proceeds will benefit the foundation.

Plus, if you ever meet Mario Lemieux, instead of being like me all, “[giggle] [swoon] XBOX hockey marry me [blubber] [giggle],” you’ll actually have a conversation starter! “Mario! My man! I am part of the Mario Mosaic!”

I bet he’ll buy you dinner after that.

Invite me.

5. In Spain, they have too many pigeons.

I would like to stop a moment and tell you that ONE PIGEON IS TOO MANY PIGEONS.

Carrying on, in Spain, they have too many pigeons and this is how they’re dealing:

Catapulting nets at flocks of the suckers, thus creating the creepiest video ever.

I may never sleep again.

(h/t Luke, Cadi, Ian, Tracy, Ken and anyone else I missed)

6. LOVE THIS.

My mother brought over my childhood Little Orphan Annie doll and my Cabbage Patch doll for my daughter.

She was all, “Where’s the on switch? Does she talk? Does she pee? Does she poop? Will she teach me spelling?”

Kids these days.

(h/t Will)

7. Next Three Days, the movie that Russell Crowe filmed here in Pittsburgh, has a trailer. FILLED TO THE TOP with Pittsburgh goodness.

I love it when movies filmed here actually look like movies filmed here.

Go, Pittsburgh. See what you can spot in the trailer.

I am back from my vacation in Ocean Isle, NC where I loved every minute I spent with my sisters and family, and where I ate like I had a tapeworm. In fact, I’m hoping I have a tapeworm, otherwise, instead of eating to feed my worm, I’m just a fat-ass glutton with the willpower of a Graboid. Actually, strike that. A Graboid would have been all, “Gosh. I just can’t eat another bite,” whereas I was all, “Smores pie? [inhale] [burp].”

I spent my vacation reading on my newly acquired Kindle, and am now addicted to the hilarious writings of one P.G. Wodehouse. I’ve read enough of him that I found myself almost saying “Dash it!” the other day. Right ho.

I checked my email only sporadically and I didn’t turn my cell phone on once. Of course, Saucy is so old that when I do turn her on she’s all, “NOT TONIGHT! I HAVE A HEADACHE!”

I was so disconnected from the  world that I have a lot to catch up on, such as the Steelers, the Pir[vomit]ates, and more.

In the meantime, if you haven’t yet made a decision as to whether or not to support the event at the Priory to raise funds for Tassy’s surgery, this might help. Poor kid.

Hope to see you there. I’ll be flying solo that night, well, me and my tapeworm, that is. So be sure to find me (and my tapeworm) so I (we) don’t feel so lonely.

I think I’ll name my tapeworm Grabby.

Also, do not do a Google Image search for tapeworm. Trust me.

I apologize. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But how can I receive this picture in my inbox by reader Emily and not post it?  How can I do that to my girls? I can’t do that to you, girls. I can’t withhold this from you.

That’s like asking me not to eat a swiss roll. Not to drink a Zima. Not to kick a pigeon. Not to lick my computer screen.

Not possible.

I’m sorry, boys, but this might be the picture that stays up for a whole week while I sit on a beach.

I don’t know what to tell you.

Close your eyes and imagine a bucket of dead pigeons.

That’s always good for me.

But seriously, all y’all, step off.

At this point, let’s just all point and laugh at the ridiculous idea that I could take two weeks off. LOL. WTF. BBQ. DOA. BFF.

Two weeks ago my sisters and my parents and I were gathered at Princess Aurora’s house in Wexford, gathered around the island in her kitchen, when we started discussing the person who was answering my next Five Questions for …

Dan Cortese. Swoon.

You can read a bit of the conversation over at the post, but I left this part out. The part where my sister Tina Fey said, “I love Dan Cortese. I’d leave my husband for Dan Cortese.”

She was joking. I think.

It was a short time later that we somehow switched the subject over to kitchen pantry organization. I think it had something to do with the fact that we are the kind of wild and crazy women that hiphop stars rap about.

[throws signs]

Anyway, this happened:

Pens Fan: “Have you SEEN Tina Fey’s kitchen pantry lately?!”

Me: “No. Why.”

Princess Aurora:  “She has canisters and containers in which she sorts and labels her COOKIE CUTTERS.”

Me: “Nuh-uh.”

Tina Fey: “What? I have a lot of cookie cutters.”

Princess Aurora: “One of the containers is labeled ‘FOWL’.”

Tina Fey: “I needed a way to separate certain kinds of birds from birds that …”

Me: “You know what? I don’t think Dan Cortese would be interested in you.”

So I asked Pittsburgher Dan Cortese, who you may know from any number of television shows, five questions and his answers are just awesome.

We talk about Pittsburgh, staying in shape, his age, MTV Rock n’ Jock Softball, and how he feels about the whole Ben Roethlisberger situation.

Go have a read!

You can also follow him at @dancortese1 on twitter where he regularly responds to those that tweet him.