Monthly Archives: September 2010

Hilary Duff talks Pittsburgh

Short little post here to tell you to watch this video from Access Hollywood in which Burgher Laura Saltman interviews Hilary Duff and they get to talking about Pittsburgh.

Shoot. She’s kind of awesome.

(h/t Heather)

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They’re clearly inhaling.

Update: According to the Trib’s Rob Biertempfel’s tweets, the REAL reason for the firing:


I have it on pretty good authority that all of the owners of the Pittsburgh Pirates are smoking crack.

How else do you explain this?

I want you to try to wrap your brain around this as best you can, but please be aware that in order to do that you’re going to need duct tape and crazy glue, otherwise, there will be leakage of the THIS DOESN’T COMPUTE variety.

  • The Altoona Curve, the Pirates AA club, won the Eastern League championship two weeks ago under manager Matt Walbeck.
  • Matt Walbeck was just named the league’s Manager of the Year, because he sucks, apparently.
  • They had an 82-60 record. I’m going to say this because I know you haven’t seen one in a long time and you might not recognize it. That is what we call a WINNING RECORD. They won more games than they lost.
  • John Russell, who has a 185-296 record as the manager of the Pirates, is under contract for next year and has said:
    “Do I deserve to be back? … I’m here. I’m here, so I don’t think about if I’m not here. I’m under contract for next year, and I have no indication from anybody in the organization that that’s going to be different. All we talk about is what we need to do today, the offseason camps, spring training … all I’m looking forward to is the planning.

Dear John Russell, please let me answer your question. The answer is “no.” No, you do not deserve to be back and if you are back next year I will pay the Captain Jolly Roger to get wasted on rum, eat a bucket of sauerkraut, and then puke in all your shoes. And as for you Huntington and Nutting, WTF? I mean, W.T.F? Are you telling me that you never once stormed into John Russell’s office this season and threw random bobbleheads at the wall and said, “IF THE LOSING DOESN’T STOP, YOU AREN’T GOING TO BE HERE NEXT YEAR, YOU GOT THAT?!”

He’s been given NO indication that his job would be in jeopardy if performance measures weren’t met?

Matt was fired because:

According to the source, the Pirates’ primary issue with Walbeck related to his communications with staff and players. The Pirates run an intensely rigid system, with an aim of having cohesion in the area of instruction and development, so that prospects can progress steadily through the system without having to adjust to new styles.

Yeah, because God help a baseball player trying to make the adjustment of going from being a champion to being a complete and total laughingstock baseball loser.

It’s better if they get used to the losing early on in their careers. It goes down easier that way.

[golf clap], Pirates. [golf clap]

Why not just hand your next minor league manager a little plaque for his desk that says, “Thou shalt not win.”

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Remember how I was saying I was sad we hadn’t had any oddball news stories lately, like the the drunk guy who tried to revive the possum, or the lady that hit her sister with her own prosthetic leg or any other news story that seems like someone picked random words and threw them in a headline for shits and giggles like, “Florida woman steals Dirt Devil and tries to ride it to Disney World” or “Man mails mangled monkey balls to monk in Mongolia?”

Well, the universe did hear my cry and answered with this headline:

Judge. Intercourse. Condoms. Acorns!

Police say a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., hid condoms inside acorns and handed them out to women in the state Capitol complex last week.


1. Does one purchase acorns already stuffed with condoms from the sex-tchotchke store or does one go out into the wild, get some acorns, open them, stuff a condom inside, and then glue the little acorn hat back on? Does one then write, “I’m nuts about you,” on a card before handing the condom-stuffed acorn to the women? Is there a market for condom-stuffed acorns? Would they be called “Nutsacks?” THESE ARE MY QUESTIONS.

2. What would happen to a squirrel if it ate a condom-stuffed acorn? Would it poop a condom balloon?

3. The fact that the judge is from Intercourse makes it six bajillion times funnier. I smell a marketing opportunity for Intercourse, PA.

4. At least he wasn’t handing out acorn-stuffed condoms. Now THAT’S what we could call “Nutsacks.”

I’m done.

(h/t Paul)

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Deep thoughts with Ray Lewis

Ray Lewis spoke to the media about how he and The Duke are texting buddies.

It is so moving.

Hold me.

Stroke my hair.

Hum Ave Maria to me.

Let the beauty of his words surround us, touch us, comfort us.

“He texted me last night and things like that. It’s a respect we have for each other, but more importantly it’s a respect you got to have for yourself.”

Ray is saying that Ben Roethlisberger has so much respect for himself and that is why he and Ray Lewis text? That makes perfect sense if you’re a giant doofus.

“He hit me last night. We always hit each other. There are many people I hit. Just simple stuff. This ain’t the first time he texted me. We texted each other whenever he was going through what he was going through, I was there for him. It’s more of a brotherhood. The game always takes care of itself on the field, but off the field if we don’t look out for each other nobody else will.”

Whew. Thank God we have a murderer looking out for our Benny, OR NO ONE ELSE WILL. HE’S GOT NO ONE ELSE!

“You’re not trying to please the world; if you’re trying to please the world you’re going to confuse yourself. If you’re going to worry what people say about you, you’re going to confuse yourself. All you can do is move on, live on and whatever he puts behind him as a man, and he puts behind him whatever he’s going through, leave it there. Don’t let nobody pull you back into it, don’t let nobody make you keep talking about it. Once it’s done, it’s done.”

Yeah, murder is so final. Once it’s done, and you get the blood out, it’s done, know whai’msayin’?

Oh, Ray Lewis. Teach me about Aristotle’s theory of universals, now.

I’ll hum Celeste Aida while you orate.

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Yinz yinzers

Patrick Neil Illustration

My latest column is now online at Pittsburgh Magazine’s site, this one about whether the word “yinzer” is a positive descriptor, as The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross seems to think it is, or if it is a negative descriptor, as I think it is.

A snippet, about Bill Cowher:

I hated that he was leaving Pittsburgh. I prefer that my sports heroes stick around—atrocious sweaters and all. But with that one word, it felt OK. Yinz. He wasn’t going to forget his hometown of Pittsburgh. He wasn’t going to change or stand sobbing in a shower in North Carolina, trying desperately to scrub the ’Burgher off himself. He was and would remain one of us.

Have a read and then be sure to read the now-standard comments about how I have a country view of things, about how I live in Westmoreland County, and about how I jumped the shark.

On the blog over there, I wrote about what didn’t make the column due to space issues.

A snippet of that:

I contacted the owner of Yappin’ Yinzers, Alex Kozak, to find out what he thought about the word “Yinzer,” as his dolls, named Nebby Debbie and Chipped Ham Sam, are outfitted with jorts, mall-bangs, mullets, and halter-top mesh, and say things like, “Jeet jet?”

Go read his answer. It’s great.

Next month: my three-hour stint with a local volunteer fire department and how ridiculously heavy the Jaws of Life machine is.

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