Did you also wake up yesterday morning with one thought running through your head: “FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Did you also jump up and down and say “FOOTBALL!” over and over again like that dog saying “sausage?”
Can we just first of all all agree once again that sausage might be the greatest word in the English language? Like if I were stranded on a deserted island with just one word, I would choose sausage.
The first game of the season meant of course gathering at Pens Fan’s house for a full spread of deliciousness and beers. Beers are delicious, too. This was Pens Fan’s centerpiece for this particular game.
Poor Tina Fey, stuck in Texas, did not take well to my brother-in-law posting on facebook that we were all enjoying chili in September.
By “your girlfriend” she means her husband, as we regularly joke that the brother-in-laws are in a relationship the way they all gab on the phone with each other like schoolgirls talking about Justin Bieber.
She’s been lobbying for a move back to Pittsburgh for years.
But let’s talk about the game.
1. Yesterday’s game was like the beginning of the Phantom’s Revenge roller coaster, don’t you think? Such a big majority of it was spent waiting for something awesome to happen, waiting for a thrill of any sort so that we could throw our hands in the air in delight. But before we could get to the fun part, we had to sit there through the boring part. The slow ticking of time part. The click. Click. Click. Click. Zzz. Click. Click. Click.
And then finally, “WHEE!!!!!!!!!!”
2. The “whee!” portion of yesterday’s game was instigated by the very awesome Troysus Polamalu, who WAS NOT INJURED.
[crosses self] [knocks on wood] [throws salt] [kicks a black cat] [stabs the Marian Hossa voodoo doll in the crotch]
Just kidding. Me and Maid Marian are cool now.
Troysus’ interception sucked the boring right out of the air and his hair may have played a part in his interception in that he was hypnotizing everyone with his million-dollar holy locks.
3. Can we talk about Mike Smith of the Falcons?
First, he pulled his hammy calling a time out. That was effin’ hilarious.
I bet he’ll need to rub some Icy Hot into his shoulder, too, what with the enthusiasm in which he called a later time out just as Jeff Reed was going to attempt a field goal.
Did you see the coach? Standing next to the ref practically salivating. He was all, “Watch this ref. I’m going to call a timeout in like fifteen seconds. Here it comes. Here it comes. [giggle] OMG. I’m so excited. See how I’m sticking my elbows out like a crazed chicken? GONNA DO THE CHICKEN DANCE! LOL. OMG. Here it comes. Here comes the time-out call of the century. Hope I don’t jump the gun. That’d be embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as pulling my hammy calling a timeout. OMG. Here it is. Gonna make a T with my hands. TIME OUT! Nailed it.”
And then just, what, like five plays later, the ever cool Mike Tomlin is put in the exact same position, but instead of doing the chicken timeout dance, he channeled Samuel L. Jackson.
Almost made me feel bad for calling him fat.
But then I looked at his belly.
In his defense, his extra weight has in no way diminished his badassitude.
4. SKIPPY SKEEVE! He’s also carrying a few extra pounds. For the entire game, he put our only points on the board, in quite commanding fashion with one of them being a 52-yard-field goal, which was a thing of beauty. He was apparently quite motivated to make it.
Unfortunately, he later missed a 40-yarder that would have won the game in regulation time, so he had to give some back. He and Coach played a rousing game of Rock Paper Scissors Sluts to determine how many.
5. I still can’t adjust to seeing a new #10 on the field. For a long time, when I saw Santonio, I thought of Kordell, and now when I see Dixon, I think of Santonio.
I thought Dennis would choke, and while he didn’t exactly NOT choke, he did well enough to get the game won. Yeah, he missed seeing a few open men, but when he’s given time to throw, he’s pretty accurate. Which doesn’t bode well for the other quarterbacks’ chances of playing anytime soon.
6. James Harrison continues to be the most-held player in the NFL. I’m amazed he doesn’t rip heads off in frustration.
7. Dennis seemed on many occasions like he had a good bit of time to throw the ball, something I rarely saw with last season’s O-line and the ever-scrambling Benny. We’ll see if that remains true once The Duke of Fug returns, because if it doesn’t, then we’ll know for a fact that the O-Line hates the Earl’s guts, as my father has believed for some time now.
8. Like “embarrassed” and “Armageddon,” “occasions” is a word I never ever spell right the first time.
9. My parents are funny because they’re such staid, quiet church-going people, but when it comes to the Steelers, they sort of lose their shit. When Mendenhall was running his 50-yard run of magnificence, my father sounded like he was a cross between a Kentucky Derby announcer and a Mexican soccer announcer.
“Go. Go. Go. Go. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO! HE’S GOING ALL THE WAY! GO GO! TOUCHDOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW [inhale] WWWWWWWWWWWWWW [inhale] WWWWWWWN!”
This was accompanied by him holding his arms straight up in the air while making spirit fingers. I’m not even joking. Spirit fingers.
My mother, well, she just jumped up and down and started screaming, “WE CAN WIN WITHOUT BEN! WE CAN WIN WITHOUT BEN!”
One of these days I’m going to record them while they freak out and the video will go viral on YouTube.
10. Dear Hines Ward. You are amazing and fantastic and don’t think I didn’t see that awesome block you threw that allowed Mendenhall to get his touchdown.
I love you.
I’m going to go kick some more black cats now. We can’t be too careful about our mojo/juju now that we beat the Falcons when we weren’t supposed to beat the Falcons. Next week, we go away to face the Titans where hopefully we once again win without Ben.
One thing we learned from yesterday. We don’t need to win in commanding fashion. We just need to win.