What They’re Really Thinking: Turnover Edition

For serious. But let’s not talk about that, or I really will start punching things at the memory of that black and gold buffalo-winged madness.

I’d rather focus on the game, which, what in the hell was that?

I mean, last week’s game was so boring that Princess Aurora took a 30-minute nap during it and didn’t miss a single thing. She woke up, saw the same score, looked around the room to see that we were all pretty much in a state of catatonia (whoa. Just made that word up, and it’s really a word. Go, me! Let me try another. Abysmalania. Damn.) and then went back to sleep.

Zzzz.

Yesterday, if you fell asleep for 30 minutes, you could have  missed two touchdowns, four turnovers, the rings being tossed into the fires of Mordor, and Roc landing on the field and taking off with Casey Big Snack Hampton. It was that nuts.

This was a game all about defense.

And turnovers. Turnovers everywhere.

Simmer down, fat boys. Not those kind of turnovers. This kind.

.

As I tweeted, “Troysus saves.”

Let’s talk about the game.

1. The first thing I noticed when I turned my TV on at 1:00 was all the white towels being waved so hard you’d think the Titan fans were trying to generate electricity. Waving towels is a Pittsburgh thing, and to me, a sort of sacred thing, not to be imitated. But these days, every team is handing out towels to their fans and sometimes it seems like a desperate attempt to mask the sight of the Terrible Towels in the stands.

Luckily, it is hella easy to spot one lone gold towel in a sea of white, and the Steelers don’t have to hand out free Terrible Towels. We show up armed and we value the Towel enough to spend our own money on it.

In light of this practice, I’m thinking of stealing the Tomahawk Chop for the Pirates next year to indicate that we would like to see heads roll. I’ll let you know if it catches on. Or if there even is a Pirates team next year.

2. Game opening kickoff return for a touchdown. I was officially stunned. As in, I stood in front of my TV and my mouth was hanging open and I was just waiting for a flag. This is the Steelers special teams. Surely there’s a flag bringing this back, right? Right? NO FLAG! STUNNED. I looked like this:

Then I started dancing all over the place and rewinding to watch it again and dancing some more and I looked like this:

But with way more cowbell.

3. Then somebody threw the turnovers in the oven because that’s all we saw and smelled the rest of the game. Turnover after turnover after turnover. They couldn’t give it up fast enough.

Cue The Princess Bride:

Give us the ball.

I have no ball.

Troysus, tear his legs off.

Oh, you mean this ball? *toss*

4. Dennis Dixon. Meh.

And then he got hurt and he’s out three to five weeks and I can’t help but wonder if somewhere Ben Roethlisberger sits stabbing the knees and ankles of voodoo dolls dressed as Steelers quarterbacks. Leftwich is out. Dixon is out. We’re down to Charlie Batch, and “We can win without Ben!” has become “How much longer til the Duke comes back?!”  I can just hear those number 7 jerseys being dug out of the compost pile.

5. Offensively, we sucked, so it’s a good thing the defense showed up and showed up big. Huge. I can’t imagine how many points the Steelers D won some people in their fantasy football leagues.

6. The game got a bit scary for me at the end when suddenly Kerry Collins, in for a benched Vince Young who coughed the ball up like he took a dozen Mucinex, drove the Titans down to the one-yard line or so. And that of course means a quarterback sneak kind of deal. You know, the whole O-line just shoves forward with all their blubber-gutted might and the quarterback attaches his face to their butts and hopes that by the time he falls down from their poo-poo stench, he’ll be over the goal line.

We knew it was coming, but somehow, Troysus knew WHEN it was coming. To the exact millisecond. Like an angel whispered in his ear, “and let’s pretend like we’re walking this way and three, two, one, POUNCE.”

And then Kerry Collins got up close and personal with one million dollars worth of hair in the form of Troysus Polamalu. Our Superman.

Watch. Watch it in slow motion. Watch it in slow motion with opera blasting through your house. Worship. Adore. Lick.

YouTube Preview Image

7. Jeff Reed, once again putting a whole bunch of points on the board for us, because for all his faults and his skeeve and his general malaise as a human being, he is super accurate and deserving of sluts in droves this week.

Get that boy his slut.

8. Now there was a lot more to this game, such as how close the Titans actually got to being within reach of tying the game, but it’s late, I’ve been fighting with my image uploading, and I’m two palomas tipsy.

I’m worried about Charlie Batch and about what happens if he gets hurt. Randle-El?

Charlie better just sit in his freaking house all week and try to avoid the hex. No practicing only to have some giant-assed lineman step on his ankle. No going out and tripping on a Pittsburgh pothole.  Just sit and watch game shows until next week and whatever you do, Charlie, don’t open any packages from Ben Roethlisberger.

Now I want turnovers. And sausages.





23 Comments

  1. Noelle
    September 20, 2010 10:09 pm

    What is with the Titan cheerleaders’ white plastic high-heeled go-go boots? Cheaptastic and Klassy.



  2. Burgh Bird
    September 20, 2010 10:35 pm

    Is it sad that when I saw Troy’s launch, the very first thought I had (after the initial HOLY S***!!!!) was “I wonder what Ginny will say about this?”



  3. BeauJacques
    September 20, 2010 10:36 pm

    @Noelle-

    If you have to ask…. :-)



  4. YinzerInExile
    September 20, 2010 10:51 pm

    Please, PLEASE, don’t confiscate the tomahawk chop. Please. It still gives me nightmares. It still takes me right back to October 14, 1992 and slug ass Sid Bream and *mrrrpmph* and I get chills and a bit vomit-y as a recall the evening my childhood ended.

    Games at Turner a Pure. Hell. for me. Please don’t take my PNC, too.



  5. Leslie in Dayton
    September 20, 2010 10:55 pm

    I love how after Troy flies into him, Collins looks around like “What the…” Heh.



  6. bluzdude
    September 20, 2010 11:36 pm

    RE: Opening touchdown…
    At Podcamp, Carpetbagger told me about the play, my first reaction… “And there were no penalties?”

    RE: Flying Troysus,
    The truly badass part was how after he was done, he just saunters back to the defensive side, like, “Yeah, that ain’t no thang… I do that every day… to your momma!”



  7. empirechick
    September 20, 2010 11:40 pm

    #5 – that would be 29 in my league – and the same or equal to the combined scores of any two of the other three NFC North teams.

    #7 – I will hand-deliver Jeff his sluts if he keeps putting up 13 points for my fantasy team every week.



  8. empirechick
    September 20, 2010 11:41 pm

    PS: I don’t have the Steelers D – bad drafting on my part. :-(



  9. Pa-pop
    September 21, 2010 12:14 am

    Check the Titan receivers in the video.

    Troysus levels the QB and then gets up so fast that the end on the left is all hands-on-hips saying: “Collins! Why the hell is you on yo’ ass?!”

    The receiver in the right slot is all [snaps head around] “WTF!!”

    And the end on the right is “Yeah, I think I’ll have that turnover now.”



  10. lisamh77
    September 21, 2010 12:41 am

    @YinzerInExile – I couldn’t agree more. The words “tomahawk chop,” “Sid Bream,” and “Francisco Cabrera” still make me want to vomit.



  11. BeauJacques
    September 21, 2010 4:34 am

    @Y-in-Ex-

    I hated Barry Bonds 1st!



  12. Ms Redd
    September 21, 2010 7:33 am

    Oh, Ginny- you are absolutely too funny- that picture of the baby orang made me laugh out loud. I was in NYC this weekend for a meeting and hurried back to my room to see the score. They switched to the end of the Steeler game- which pleased me immensely, UNTIL- they then switched over to the Jets/NE game right after than TN incomplete pass in the endzone. Can you believe that? I missed the Superman Troy tackle. But in the end, we won and that is all that matters. I know you hate to hear this, but what will it be like to have Ben back and we are able to score some offense points?



  13. LaReina
    September 21, 2010 8:10 am

    Million dollar hair all over yo’ face, Kerry!



  14. Ginny's Dad
    September 21, 2010 8:27 am

    I loved Collins reaction as he laid on the ground. He had to be thinking, “What was that!?” “What just hit me!?” “Was I hit by an errant skydiver!?”



  15. red pen mama
    September 21, 2010 8:34 am

    A cherry turnover would go so well with my coffee.

    I missed that Troyus play IRL. Thank you for posting video of it here before I forgot about it. Collins must have been like, “What was that?” I’m looking for the wires on Troy because he FLEW.

    my husband was SCREAMING at the television when Tennessee scored and then recovered the onside kick. So glad the D (with their leaders Smith and Troy) stood up again and again to save the quarterbacks from themselves. Dixon and Batch aren’t bad guys, and I was hoping to see Batch pull off something spectacular, but — meh sums it up.

    Thanks, again, for a good laugh.



  16. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 21, 2010 9:45 am

    @YinzerInExile — why, oh why did you have to mention that date that should never be mentioned? Now I’m depressed and vomit-y.*SIGH*

    I need to go watch Troy flying through the air again. That should cheer me up.



  17. Ali
    September 21, 2010 10:27 am

    #5 – that would be 28 points in my league. The guy I was against was crying/cheering everytime there was a turnover.



  18. Kristin
    September 21, 2010 12:16 pm

    How about some love for James Harrison?? He got me 20.25 points in my fantasy league!



  19. Kristin
    September 21, 2010 12:17 pm

    Oh and does anyone else think there is a weird resemblance between Jeff Reed and The Situation??



  20. Lizzy
    September 21, 2010 1:20 pm

    …and I’m not even going to comment on Reed – Happy Noelle?! :-)



  21. unsatisfied
    September 21, 2010 1:26 pm

    if troy were any quicker, he could have taken the snap himself.

    and, I cannot see troy getting all street after making a play like that. have you not heard any of his interviews? he’s like a borderline less annoying hare krishna.



  22. PA Girl in VA
    September 21, 2010 1:27 pm

    My husband and I went to a car dealership here in Virginia Beach last night and the sales person we spoke to looked EXACTLY like the Duke. NOW we know what he’s been doing during his supspension. I wish I had a pic of him to show y’all – it’s spooky!



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