Are you sitting down for this?
It is not in fact statistically possible for the Pittsburgh Pirates to end the season playing .500 ball.
They have been out of .500 ball contention for about 5 months now, it seems. I think their last meaningful game was … WHO GIVES A F#*%?! God. I want to use the F word so bad in this post.
The point is that I asked you to believe and 110 of you believed and threw your five dollars into the THIS IS THE YEAR side of the bet and you are all losers in the sense that you lost. I lost. The Pirates lost and lost and lost and lost and lost. They lost so much they are two losses away from 100 losses, which is like the benchmark people use to know who to give the CROWN OF SUCK to.
The Pirates are currently at … I can’t even type this without dissolving into that scary laugh/cry that crazy people do … .347 ball.
And I thought this was the year. No, this is the year they play their worst ball in a frackin’ decade. God. I really really want to use the F word.
Which is what my sisters and I used to say when we wanted to swear. This in addition to crap, shoot, nuts, poop, and yes, SHUZBUTT.
Shuzbutt is indeed my favorite fake swear word that PKs use.
Now, the reason I’m posting about the Suckitude is to tell you I’m sorry you drank my Kool-Aid. I’m sorry that 110 of you believed me and don’t get to win any prizes. I’m sorry for the suck. I’m sorry for the putresence. I’m sorry my classy nature prohibits me from writing the F word 100 times right now.
So, you want to go to Burgh Baby’s site and see who won what. There are lots of great prizes going out to some of the 87 sane people who voted no with their five bucks.
Now, the good news is that we raised almost $1,000 for our charities for children, so the Mario Lemieux Foundation received $300 more for Make Room for Kids today. That goes in the big pot and this Friday, Mike and I are placing the order for all the good stuff for the kids of the transplant floor before we move on to another unit in the hospital. All told, we’ll be spending some $11,000 and leaving the rest as a pool for game replenishment or system replacement or repairs or what not. Just for the transplant floor.
The BAD news is that the Pirates are still playing baseball and they will probably play baseball next year and they’ll probably suck me into believing again when April rolls around and everyone looks fresh and the sun is shining in Bradenton and they unveil some awesome new motivational slogan like, “CONSIDER IT DONE.”
I guess it’s like the lottery. We can’t lose forever.
Also, as Michelle and I are very close to our next bet to benefit the sick or needy children of Pittsburgh, please bear in mind, I. MUST. WIN.
If I lose, I will have to go through the entire Scarehouse by myself and as sure as I was born, I will shit my pants before rolling into a ball while screaming, “PLEASE DON’T EAT MY BRAINS!”