Let’s just get this over with.

Are you sitting down for this?

Okay.

It is not in fact statistically possible for the Pittsburgh Pirates to end the season playing .500 ball.

I know.

They have been out of .500 ball contention for about 5 months now, it seems. I think their last meaningful game was … WHO GIVES A F#*%?! God. I want to use the F word so bad in this post.

The point is that I asked you to believe and 110 of you believed and threw your five dollars into the THIS IS THE YEAR side of the bet and you are all losers in the sense that you lost. I lost. The Pirates lost and lost and lost and lost and lost. They lost so much they are two losses away from 100 losses, which is like the benchmark people use to know who to give the CROWN OF SUCK to.

The Pirates are currently at … I can’t even type this without dissolving into that scary laugh/cry that crazy people do … .347 ball.

LOL.

And I thought this was the year. No, this is the year they play their worst ball in a frackin’ decade. God. I really really want to use the F word.

FUDGE.

Which is what my sisters and I used to say when we wanted to swear. This in addition to crap, shoot, nuts, poop, and yes, SHUZBUTT.

Shuzbutt is indeed my favorite fake swear word that PKs use.

Now, the reason I’m posting about the Suckitude is to tell you I’m sorry you drank my Kool-Aid.  I’m sorry that 110 of you believed me and don’t get to win any prizes. I’m sorry for the suck. I’m sorry for the putresence. I’m sorry my classy nature prohibits me from writing the F word 100 times right now.

So, you want to go to Burgh Baby’s site and see who won what. There are lots of great prizes going out to some of the 87 sane people who voted no with their five bucks.

Now, the good news is that we raised almost $1,000 for our charities for children, so the Mario Lemieux Foundation received $300 more for Make Room for Kids today. That goes in the big pot and this Friday, Mike and I are placing the order for all the good stuff for the kids of the transplant floor before we move on to another unit in the hospital. All told, we’ll be spending some $11,000 and leaving the rest as a pool for game replenishment or system replacement or repairs or what not. Just for the transplant floor.

The BAD news is that the Pirates are still playing baseball and they will probably play baseball next year and they’ll probably suck me into believing again when April rolls around and everyone looks fresh and the sun is shining in Bradenton and they unveil some awesome new motivational slogan like, “CONSIDER IT DONE.”

Sigh.

I guess it’s like the lottery. We can’t lose forever.

Can we?

Ah, shuzbutt.

Also, as Michelle and I are very close to our next bet to benefit the sick or needy children of Pittsburgh, please bear in mind, I. MUST. WIN.

If I lose, I will have to go through the entire Scarehouse by myself and as sure as I was born, I will shit my pants before rolling into a ball while screaming, “PLEASE DON’T EAT MY BRAINS!”





41 Comments

  1. Cassie
    September 22, 2010 9:45 am

    I enjoy the most that the Pirates’s slogan includes “PRIDE”. And where is the damn pride? And the passion part is a joke, too.

    But because they play in Pittsburgh, I’ll still love them. Sigh.



  2. Cassie
    September 22, 2010 9:46 am

    Oh, and LET’S GO PENS!



  3. PA Girl in VA
    September 22, 2010 9:58 am

    So you can say “shit” but not “f%$*”? Inneresting :)



  4. Noelle
    September 22, 2010 10:00 am

    I, too, am a PK, but never said Shuzbutt.



  5. Greg
    September 22, 2010 10:04 am

    what’s a “PK”???

    ps: I am not that bright to begin with… I was one of the 110 who thought “This was the year”. :(



  6. Virginia
    September 22, 2010 10:05 am

    PK = Preacher’s Kid. ;)



  7. empirechick
    September 22, 2010 10:11 am

    Thanks PittGirl and BurghBaby for making a difference to kids! (and me winning loot in the process is almost as good as seeing those fabulous high school pictures!)



  8. Gina
    September 22, 2010 10:12 am

    I’ll have to be with you on this next one – I am a big scaredy pants who won[‘t even go through a haunted house with other people, much less alone.



  9. bluzdude
    September 22, 2010 10:41 am

    You know, I think they might have a chance, NEXT year… Assuming they don’t trade Alvarez and Walker for a bag of baseballs in the meantime…



  10. bucdaddy
    September 22, 2010 10:43 am

    News for you: They won’t be winners next year either. Gotta wait until the best players on the team that won the Eastern League championship at Altoona filter up here.



  11. Dan (Not Onorato)
    September 22, 2010 10:50 am

    OHHH it was for the entire season? I thought you meant playing the home games (they still have a shot of .500 ball at home (38-43)
    ehh nevermind

    Fail.



  12. LegallyPgh(Kathy)
    September 22, 2010 11:09 am

    As one of the 110 who hopped on that bus with you, I’m just happy to see it helping kids, and hoping you pick something more likely to win in this next round….!



  13. red pen mama
    September 22, 2010 11:14 am

    No offense, but maybe I’ll hope the coin toss goes Burgh Baby’s way next time…



  14. Craig
    September 22, 2010 11:23 am

    Hey, sign me up for next year, the fee should be higher, though. That way we’ll be more invested and send more psychic energy to the Buccos, and THEY WILL WIN!



  15. Butcher's Dog
    September 22, 2010 11:36 am

    Through play on Monday the Tragic Number stood at 8. Any combination of 8 Bucs losses and/or Mariners wins guarantees us the worst record in The Show and the Number One pick in next year’s draft.

    And please: if you read The Whistling Irishman: Danny Murtaugh Remembered you’ll see scary parallels with this group and the run-up to the ’60 World Champions. This may not have been The Year, but it was the year that will lead to The Year. Seriously, anyone out there rather have the guys we ended last year with instead of Tabata, Walker, and Alvarez? Anyone rather see another soft-toss lefty batting practice pitcher starting instead of James McDonald? Nah. Me neither.



  16. Butcher's Dog
    September 22, 2010 11:36 am

    Meanwhile, Let’s Go, Pens!



  17. Pa-pop
    September 22, 2010 11:46 am

    Okay, let’s see. 1960 – 1927 = 33, the franchise’s largest number of years between World Series appearances. 33 is a number full of local mystery and legend AND it’s Honus Wagner’s retired uniform number. 33 + 1979 = 2012.

    2012 is not only the year we greatly exceed the .500 benchmark, but also the year Neil Walker’s walk-off homer wins a Series for the second time in baseball history.

    Is everyone okay with that? Good. More mushrooms, please.



  18. JenEngland
    September 22, 2010 11:48 am

    Ok, I love to win stuff. Really really. I’ll enter me some contests. But I’m not sorry I put in my fiver for the Pirates. Even when its a stupid bet, I just can’t bet against Pittsburgh. Even the Pirates. My money will ALWAYS be on the ‘Burgh. Even when that means the Pirates. I love the Burgh…even, sigh, *shakes head* sob, the Pirates. So when you drag the band wagon, covered in silt and river-weed, out of the mon next year, save a spot for me. And pass the tequila, will ya?



  19. rickh
    September 22, 2010 12:01 pm

    My five spot went to a great cause. Count me in for next year.



  20. ScareHouse Scott
    September 22, 2010 12:03 pm

    Your “fan club” can’t wait to meet you! http://twitpic.com/2ip7t4



  21. CrashJK
    September 22, 2010 12:06 pm

    Well, anyone who wants to join me…I’ll be at the afternoon game tomorrow, sitting behind home plate (no, not Lexxus Club seats, I ain’t rich) with my son, celebrating his 11th b-day. To keep some positive mojo, I’ll wear my Sid Crosby shirt to bring all that karma to the Pirates.

    I personally like watching the young Buccos and really believe next year is the start of .500 baseball in da ‘Burgh. Hoping Neil, Pedro, Jose & Garrett bring the long ball tomorrow…

    Let’s Go Bucs…LET’S GO PENS !! Let’s go Charlie Batch



  22. Carol
    September 22, 2010 12:14 pm

    @10 “Gotta wait until the best players on the team that won the Eastern League championship at Altoona filter up here.”

    Sad to say, they filter up and then will get traded.

    The guys playing for the Pirates aren’t to blame. They’re playing in a major league sport, living their dreams. As long as the team is owned by the Nuttings, this will be the state of baseball in Pittsburgh.
    Yes, the Nuttings could afford to buy a baseball team, but they can’t afford to *own* it.

    My dad used to say ‘son of a brick.’ So, I say to the Nuttings, you sons of bricks…

    Go Pens! Go Steelers!



  23. Christina
    September 22, 2010 12:21 pm

    Being one of the 110, I’ll tell you a true story here:

    As some of you may know already from other comments, I live in Munich / Germany. And I am not even a misplaced Burgher – I am German and just have crush on the place and mostly on the people (even more after PODCAMP!) over there on the other side of the planet.

    That as basic information.

    Lately I went for grocery shopping here in MUNICH. I had bad hair day and was wearing my Pirates basecap. Usually a simple black cap with a golden P does not say anything to people here. BUT this day I pushed my shopping card around a corner and … bumped into a guy in a Steelers Shirt. In Munich, Germany. Never (almost) happens.

    We stared at each other standing paralyzed. Then he started laughing and pointed at my cap and said: “Why do you do this to yourself?”
    I blushed and said: “Well …”
    And he said: “Before the Pirates will play a winning season, Ben will become an ANGEL – smart and pure hearted.”
    I said: “I guess … you are right.”

    I just decided – finally- not to spend any single $ anymore on any Pirates stuff as long as Nutting owns the team – period.

    I will simply root for my West Coast team – San Francisco Giants – since I have lots of friends and colleagues there and love the city a lot.

    Pittsburgh still has Troysus and The Steelers and Sid and The Pens – that’s still a lot to cheer for and have fun with.

    @JenEngland: I won’t bet against the Pirates either next year- just can’t. I will instead just go and donate my 5$ straight to “Make Room for Kids”, but I wouldn’t mind the Tequila :)

    I wish everybody a LOVELY & WINNING HOCKEY SEASON! GO PENS!



  24. CrashJK
    September 22, 2010 12:46 pm

    @Christina….GREAT story. I believe the Pirates will have a winning season as for Benny – once a scum, always a scum.



  25. Ginny's Dad
    September 22, 2010 1:27 pm

    Gin

    Look on the positive side. They are on a 4-game winning streak and their record at home is 37-39. Two more wins and they are at .500.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the right manager can make this team competitive. Someone that exudes confidence and enthusiasm. The vast difference in the Home and Away records tells me that confidence is one of the key missing ingredients.

    John Russell is probably a very nice guy with adequate baseball knowledge, but he is not a motivator.



  26. Melissa D
    September 22, 2010 1:33 pm

    @Pa-pop – Haha! I hope you’re statistics ring true but then the world is supposed to end in 2012 as well! :)



  27. Lauren
    September 22, 2010 1:44 pm

    @Melissa D

    Wouldn’t the Pirates winning the World Series be a sure sign of the coming apocalypse? : )



  28. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 22, 2010 1:45 pm

    @Ginny’s Dad is absolutely right about the manager. I’ve been saying that he is not the right manager for the team, and in my opinion, he’s actually caused the team to lose games that they should have won. True, the manager doesn’t go out and play the game, but what set Leyland and Tanner apart (besides having the pitching and hitting) was the ability to motivate the team. In 1979, if I recall correctly (I was 11 so I might have this wrong), the Pirates trailed in their division for most of the summer.

    My opinion on JR was solidified last season when we played in Philly. We had a four or five run lead going into the bottom of the 9th. He brings in Matt Capps to pitch in a non-save situation. The first batter (former Pirate and a career Pirate killer) rocks the ball out of the park for a HR. The next batter drives a long fly ball to the warning track for an out. By the time Matt Capps gets the second out, it’s a tie game and runners are still on base. Capps remains in, the batter gets a hit (it may have been Victorino), Phils win.

    I get SEPTA back to my hotel, go straight to the bar and order a Jamesons neat, the entire time asking myself over and over again — Why do I put myself through this year after year! Then I remember — they’re my Buccos. I grew up a mile from Three Rivers and spent my summers at the ballpark. For two summers, I was the laundry girl at Three Rivers (86 and 87). I’ve been a season ticket holder for 19 years and I haven’t lived anywhere near the Burgh for the past 12. I’ll never root against them.



  29. Pittsburgh Tom
    September 22, 2010 2:01 pm

    Sorry, they can`t use “consider it done” as a motto cause it`s my company`s motto. I`m serious. It`s on my mouse pad. Ha Ha.

    I`m still rooting for the buccos to win 4 out of the last 5 home games since 100 losses but a winning home record just seems like more of an accomplishment than making the playoffs.



  30. Moe the Dog
    September 22, 2010 2:11 pm

    Definition of loser…I voted no. I won nothing. I’m going to the game tomorrow afternoon because I still like the team.



  31. Butcher's Dog
    September 22, 2010 2:34 pm

    @Melissa D: Yeah, but that end of time thing isn’t supposed to be until around Dec. 20. Would be a helluva party right up till then, I’m guessin’. We might all wanna hold off on buying Christmas presents early that year, by the way.



  32. Dana
    September 22, 2010 3:03 pm

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE. I HATE LOSING.



  33. rickh
    September 22, 2010 3:22 pm

    I agree with Ginny’s Dad. The team is at a point where the right manager will have a significant impact. Nothing against JR but his work here is done. Unfortunately there are ~13 other teams that will be looking for managers too, and we all know how that will play out for the Bucs.

    Nanoo nanoo.



  34. Magnus Patris
    September 22, 2010 3:44 pm

    You know how bad it was this year? We didn’t even use the free ticket vouchers we got it the Pirates’ Kids Club packet. The Pirates’ Kids Club; making children cry since 1992.



  35. unsatisfied
    September 22, 2010 4:45 pm

    motivation is not the key here.

    talent is.

    and, the succos have a severe lack of it.



  36. Kathy
    September 22, 2010 6:21 pm

    Bleh. Next year, right? 1/110



  37. bucdaddy
    September 22, 2010 11:24 pm

    Anyone else down for Fan Depression Day on Sunday?

    Section 121 here.



  38. Joe K.
    September 23, 2010 9:25 am

    One of the 110 here. The Pirates make baby Jesus cry. I’m intrigued by some of the new players but they need better starting pitching and I agree with those saying we need a new manager. Russell seems better suited to be a third base coach. Maybe John Wehner will get a chance…



  39. Next Year!
    September 23, 2010 10:06 am

    Hey, I was one of the several dozen Buccos fans at last night’s game and it was great! (So was the Blue Moon — yum)

    Bowker’s name belongs on that short list of talent. I don’t know how consistent he is but he was rockin’ right field last night!



  40. Heather
    September 23, 2010 12:04 pm

    Well my husband is a Cubs fan, so I’m pretty sure he’d tell you that indeed you can lose forever. Or at least for 100+ years.



  41. unsatisfied
    September 23, 2010 1:23 pm

    john wehner as manager? bah. my vote for anyone out of booth to be manager would have to go to bob walk. he’s not polished, but he actually knows strategery and how to play the game.

    and, at least the cubs have had ONE winning season since the early 90s….