If I lose, there will be peeing of the pants.

Have you ever been to ScareHouse here in Pittsburgh? It was recently named the 3rd best haunt in the country and that means one thing … it’s pretty freaking scary.

I planned to go last year, but I shockingly chickened out because I’m a scaredy cat baby.

Do we want to rehash how easily scared by the fake world I am?

– The movie Signs gave me such horrible heebie jeebies that I couldn’t be alone at night for months and if I walked past a turned-off television, I couldn’t look into the reflection for fear I’d see an alien standing behind me preparing to use its freaky alien poison shooter wrist flap to shoot poison up the noses of my loved ones.

– Jaws caused me to this day to be unable to sleep if any appendage of mine is dangling so much as a millimeter over the edge of the mattress, because in my fake scary world, sharks live under my bed.

– My basement will always make me think about the Blair Witch. So will trees.

– I’ve seen five minutes of Paranormal Activity and I’m pretty sure something took a bite out of my soul.

– When I swim in a pool, A SWIMMING POOL, I can freak myself out that there is a shark in the pool with me.

– I’ve never seen the Exorcist because I know if I do, I’ll probably be committed to a mental institution.

This post.

– I know things are fake, but in the back of my head, I say, “MAYBE THEY’RE NOT! RUN, GIRL! RUN!”

– I’d throat-punch a kid if he jumped out of the bushes during Halloween dressed as that Scream thing.

– What if I get a call that really IS coming from inside the house? Do I run or do I hide?

– What if clowns really do want to kill me?

– What if I walk into my daughter’s room one night and I look at one of her dolls and it blinks at me and breathes, “Don’t cry, Mommy.”


So you understand why I need to win this contest. Here’s the deal. October 5 will be a special night at the ScareHouse. Proceeds from ticket sales for the entire night will be split evenly between Make Room for Kids and Christmas Crazy for Kids, thanks to the generosity of owners Scott and Barb Simmons and Wayne Simmons.

You have a few options if you plan to go to ScareHouse this year and if you’d like to support the charities:

1. Click that princess button up there and you’ll be taken to the ScareHouse site where you can score a first-come first-served VIP ticket for $30 (don’t worry if you aren’t on Twitter). This gets you into all three haunts whose names I won’t mention because they’re SCARY. You’ll also be given entrance to the VIP room where lots of other folks will hang out and we’ll have awesome stuff up there like food and surprises, etc. You’ll also be able to enter the ScareHouse as an RIP, giving you front-of-the-line access. If you hate haunted houses, like me, you can still buy the ticket and just hang out with us in the VIP room. It’s going to be fun! Now, by clicking my button and not the button over at Burgh Baby’s site, you’re voting for me. This is important for a reason I’ll tell you in a minute.

2. If you don’t want or are too late to secure the VIP/RIP ticket, but you still want to hang out with all of us in the ScareHouse haunts, you can instead purchase a regular discounted ticket by clicking here and selecting the Scary Crazy ticket. Use the promo code “DRESS” and you’ll get the discounted ticket of $15 and you’ll have a vote logged for me to win, not Burgh Baby.

What are you voting for? Well, we decided to make things interesting.  A little wager. If more people purchase their tickets through me, Michelle will have to experience her worst nightmare, which is being made up completely and totally as a pretty pretty pink fluffy cotton candy clouds and sunshine and love and tweeting birds and helpful mice princess.

If Michelle wins, and more people purchase their October 5 ScareHouse tickets through her … I will … have to … GO THROUGH THE ENTIRE FREAKING SCAREHOUSE ALL BY MY PANTS-PEEING MOMMY-WANTING UNDERWEAR-SHITTING SELF! No one to hide behind. No one to say to me, “Chillax. It’s all fake.”

This cannot happen.

I cannot lose.

So please, if you have any desire to see the ScareHouse this year, go on October 5 so that the SICK KIDS and needy kids of Pittsburgh will get a portion of your dollars and PLEASE buy your ticket through me and not Michelle so that I will not have a reason to purchase Depends until I’m at least nearing the average age of the onset of incontinence.

Also, Michelle’s entire site is virus-riddled, so I wouldn’t click on anything over there.

This isn’t playing dirty. This is self-preservation.


  1. mike
    September 23, 2010 5:14 pm

    Re: “I’d throat-punch a kid if he jumped out of the bushes during Halloween dressed as that Scream thing.”

    This guy’s on the same page as you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXW0mNDV5Ug

  2. Priscilla
    September 23, 2010 5:15 pm

    Oh man, my hubby and I are planning on going that night so that we can help out and have a fun night since we love haunted houses. I CANNOT imagine having to go through one all by myself, especially the Scarehouse (I’ve never been there)where the makeup and stuff is amazingly scary!! Good luck!!

  3. Lauren
    September 23, 2010 5:44 pm

    I’ll be sending my sister, who goes to Pitt, to your site when she wants to buy her tickets.

    I’m the same way about appendages sticking out from any place under the covers, but that’s because I think that when abductors or murderers come to take/kill me they won’t see me under them. I’ve been this way since I was 5 years old. I don’t know what my parents did to me, LOL.

  4. Tiffany
    September 23, 2010 5:57 pm

    Two passes from my household were purchased today. One was purchased from you, and one from Michelle. Like I said, it’s like trying to choose between peanut or coconut M&Ms. There is no wrong nut to choose, so we choose you both.

  5. Uncle Crappy
    September 23, 2010 6:08 pm

    The picture *had* to be a clown? I’ll be over in the corner, dealing with my heebie jeebies…

  6. JenEngland
    September 23, 2010 6:26 pm

    No. Effing. Way. I love you, but better you than me. As I tweeted, a Shirtless Daniel Sepulvednomnomnom holding a million dollar check in my name and beckoning me to come hither couldn’t get me to set one scaredy cat foot into scare house. I’ll see if my kid wants to go, but I am a big baby. Did you see the Ring? That’s the only scary movie I’ve seen in a decade and I don’t know what sorcery was used to trick me into seeing it. I might start shrieking just thinking about that movie. UGH. nooooooooooo.

  7. hello haha narf
    September 23, 2010 6:37 pm

    i’ll be there. as much as i adore michelle, i can’t imagine having to do the scarehouse alone so i’ll probably have to buy my ticket from you, even if making her be a pretty, pretty princess is downright torture. ya big meanie.

  8. bluzdude
    September 23, 2010 6:47 pm

    *Signs? Really? Meh…

    *Jaws… totally on board, at least when it was new and in the movies, and I was in Jr High. Still nervous in the ocean though.

    *Do NOT see the Exorcist. Your suspicions are correct.

    *Sharks don’t live under the bed; alligators do. They fit much easier and they try to look like shoes. The covers really do protect you.

    *Killer Death Clowns live in the closet. And they DO want to kill you.

    *The dolls… brrr… where do you GET this stuff??

  9. Gina
    September 23, 2010 7:40 pm

    I can’t imagine going through there alone. I don’t even want to go through with other people. Ever since I read funhouse back in the early 80’s, I have not been a big fan of the scary stuff.

  10. steeler_tom
    September 23, 2010 9:20 pm

    I love you and your Rants/musings. I swear I do, but the thought of you peeing your pants has me laughing my butt off. I can’t purchase a ticket since I’m in AZ, but I’ll be kinda sort of rooting for your rival. Why? you might ask,…. Well I am 100% sure that your post the next day (if you lose of course) will be priceless. Never forget I am a loyal donating benefactor to almost all your causes…… Have a nice time in scarehouse…. :->

    Yeah you’re right, I’m probably going to H.E. Double hockeysticks…

  11. Carpetbagger
    September 23, 2010 9:38 pm

    Okay, true confessions. When I was in high school, I went through a haunted house. One of the ghouls touched me at the wrong moment, I freaked and bolted… right into a wall. My geeky wire-rim glasses cut into the bridge of my nose. As we left, I had blood pouring down my face but didn’t know it. People near the end were pointing at me and screaming as if I worked there. No, I was just a nerd.

  12. Carpetbagger
    September 23, 2010 9:40 pm

    p.s. haven’t been to a haunted house since. Maybe this year? I do have contact lenses…

  13. BeauJacques
    September 23, 2010 10:00 pm


    It’s all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack!! :-)

    I have to be out of town but I’m going to vote/buy/ & send somebody!!

  14. NewBurgher
    September 23, 2010 10:43 pm

    I’m with @steeler_tom on this one. The “day after” will be priceless if you lose. I live here, but can’t help, sorry, because I can’t stand haunted houses either. But don’t give me grief, because I have seen “The Exorcist” – I even saw Part III – and that was some creepy stuff!

    BTW, my (then 11 year old) daughter had the same reaction to “Signs.” Just ‘sayin, if you get my drift ;)

  15. Scared Sharkless
    September 23, 2010 10:46 pm

    Okay, I honestly thought that I was the only other person in the world who was occassionally afraid of swimming pools in case a shark suddenly appeared. When I tell people of my fear, they look at me all, “you be crazy”.

  16. Carly
    September 23, 2010 11:03 pm

    Oh my GAWD!!! I laughed so hard reading this but I seriously have the SAME problem with movies and scary stuff, re: my post about the g-dam stinkbugs.

    I was all up on Burghbaby’s side because 1. “Halloween is my Christmas” and 2. I didn’t get a chance to donate to Christmas Crazy last year but I did donate to several sick kids fundraisers…until I read this. It will be SO HARD to vote against you, KNOWING how freaking scaretastic it will be for you :(

    But here’s the thing. If I can convince my man to go with me, then I will vote and go…and, if you lose…GULP…I will go through by myself too to make amends for contributing to your torture. I hope you can forgive me. I loooove Halloween but I will shit my pants in even a lame Haunted House, soooooo. Yeah.

  17. empirechick
    September 23, 2010 11:12 pm

    I am the biggest scaredy cat of all the scaredy cats. I simply don’t do horror movies EVER. It took me years to be brave enough to watch Silence of the Lambs. At almost 40 years old, I still cover my eyes whenever the doom music plays and the bad guy is most certainly going to jump out from behind that tree/bush/corner/otherwise dark place you shouldn’t be going by yourself anyway, stupid. I hyperventilated over Fatal Attraction, even though I didn’t see it until long after it was on VHS and I knew damn well she was coming back out of that tub. The first and only time I went to a haunted house (in high school), I was death grip attached to my dad’s back – we were one, every step, every move, right to the point where he gaspingly asked me to loosen up so he could breathe.

    So I sympathize with you, Ginny, and I just purchased my VIP ticket for the evening. I can’t go (I have prior plans), but I could not in good conscience not do my part to help you, no matter how funny your recap post would be – and I’m sure it would be hilarious. I voted with Michelle when she was right (sorry, even in March I knew there was no way it hell it was going to happen), and I’m proud to vote with you on this very important matter!

  18. empirechick
    September 23, 2010 11:33 pm

    And BTW, you seriously allowed the other side of the bet to be dressing up like a princess??? What fun is that? I’m sorry to say you’ve basically invited everyone to vote against you. :-(

  19. Kathy
    September 24, 2010 1:18 am

    My Dad said it would be okay for my brother and I to watch JAWS when we were 7 (at home, on tv). My Mom said he had to deal with it. I was apparently so tramatized, that I don’t remember any part of the movie. NOTHING. About three weeks after, my parents found out my brother wasn’t bathing (not sure why it took so long). He was afraid the shark would come out of the drain. So he would run a bath and then stand there; he’d jump in if my parents walked in.

    True story two. Do you know that part in Ice Age 2 when Scratch is trying to get the nut and the prehistoric sharks come through the ice? I screamed so loud that kids were looking at me in the theater. I was 31 when that came out.

    And finally, my partner thinks it’s the funniest thing, but in scary movies, I’ll cover my ears with my thumbs, cover my eyes with my fingers and hunch down in the chair. I still do that during the spider scene in Harry Potter.

    I have not seen: Exorcist, Jason, Friday the 13th, Silence of the Lambs, Alien. I started to hyperventilate and had to leave Dream Catcher and will never attempt to see another Steven King movie. Ever. I would buy all the ViP passes if I was in a bet that required me to see a Steven King movie.

    I feel really, really bad for you. I also think the next day post will be funny as shit. I will pay someone to take video.

  20. bucdaddy
    September 24, 2010 1:40 am

    After that set-up, we need you to lose. And we need somebody to go along and take pictures.

  21. bucdaddy
    September 24, 2010 1:47 am


    In swimming pools.


    Well, there’s only ONE thing worse than sharks in swimming pools:


    Sweet dreams!

  22. Drea
    September 24, 2010 5:37 am

    Ginny – I have similar issues with scary things and had NEVER been to a haunted house because of them. Not sure why but I let friends talk me into going to Scarehouse two years ago (I know, of all places to pick for my first experience). And guess what – I laughed the whole way through! You just have to remember it’s not real. If you have to do this, you’ll be fine.

  23. Lisa J
    September 24, 2010 6:58 am

    Ginny, I’m still so torn on this. I know that putting Michelle in a princess costume is as much torture for her as a haunted house alone would be for you. And I’m afraid she’d never speak to me again if I vote against her. BUT, this isn’t just any haunted house, this is scarehouse. I don’t know if I could go through with other people. Alone? I’m pretty sure that would give he a heart attack. So I do t know if I could live with myself if you lose and I were a part of it. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I need to figure out soon though.

  24. Ms Redd
    September 24, 2010 8:17 am

    I NEVER go to scary movies or haunted houses, NEVER. I know for a fact when the lights go out, baby dolls’ eyes move and they get a creepy smile on their cold little vinyl faces. For whatever reason, clowns scare the c**p out of me. And just the commercial for Snakes on a Plane has me terrified that one could really fall out of the overhead bin (not helped by the fact that I read that it really happened to someone and that I fly almost every week for business.) But other than that, I am a perfectly normal, well adjusted person. Just like you, Ginny ;)

  25. bucdaddy
    September 24, 2010 9:10 am

    Ms Redd, If Ginny can write “shit” on here, I think it’s OK if you write “crap.” Do try to wait until most people have had a chance to digest breakfast, though.

  26. red pen mama
    September 24, 2010 9:15 am

    Wah! Is there a way to vote without purchasing a ticket? Or a way to donate less and still vote? I can’t make the event (and, er, we’re poor), but I’m dying to weigh in! BTW, totally voting for you, Ginny. I can’t go through a haunted house, no way, never, and although I devour scary books, and I love me a good horror flick, I freak out for weeks afterwards. Ask my husband about closet doors (hint: Stephen King short story The Boogeyman.) I’m a masochist. But, I’d be with you on the throat punching. Seeing Michelle made up and dressed as a princess would be worth her enmity. (Sorry, Michelle.)

  27. gunnlino
    September 24, 2010 9:17 am

    Ventriloquist dolls.
    Open closet doors in the dark,
    That corner in the cellar where the really big spiders live,
    NOT !
    I’ve one word for you…. Depends.

  28. John in the Rocks
    September 24, 2010 9:35 am

    @ bucdaddy – The heck with pictures – we need a video crew there to film the whole thing for posterity… and blackmail. :)

  29. Angry Mongo
    September 24, 2010 9:40 am

    Yeah, sorry, but I’m going to have to go with the sentiment that you losing is just too good an opportunity to pass up.

    We want pictures. We want video. We want audio. We want complete wiggins and urine soaked jeans…not in a creepy fug/skive way. We thrive on your demise.

    We love you, though.

  30. Beth
    September 24, 2010 10:20 am

    OMG. Please post something else so I don’t have to look at that effing clown every time I surf over here. Please?!

  31. Butcher's Dog
    September 24, 2010 11:34 am

    So the modern dilemma becomes this: how to balance the number of margaritas needed to summon-courage, soften-the-shock of scarehouse with the knowledge that there’s a direct correlation between alcohol consumed and urine produced. Let the philosophers debate that one!

    And remember that “scary” changes with the generations. Watch the original Frankenstein and realize that our great-grandparents (OK, my parents!) had the same reactions we’re talking about when the Creature first turned around. And the throwing the little girl into the lake scene was cut because it was too intense. All things are relative.

  32. Noelle
    September 24, 2010 1:02 pm

    While I never wish anyone to soil themselves, I have to admit that whatever post comes out of Ginny in there alone is going to Pulitzer worthy.

  33. Angry Mongo
    September 24, 2010 1:05 pm

    How about a tie? Everyone wins.

  34. Carol
    September 24, 2010 2:09 pm

    On one of our first dates, my husband and I went to the premier of The Exorcist.
    I slept with the lights on for 4 months after that.
    No. Way.

  35. Kathy
    September 24, 2010 2:59 pm

    Can we do half votes? I’m torn…

  36. Marlene
    September 24, 2010 8:23 pm

    In 9th grade they showed the movie “See No Evil” at an assembly in school. About a blind girl discovering murdered bodies in her house and someone after her. I had to leave and sit in the cafeteria. Only scary movie I ever saw until on a dare I went to one of the Halloween movies in college. When the lights came up at the end we discovered I had ripped the arm rest off the chair. That was the last one, over 25 years ago.

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