If I lose, there will be peeing of the pants.

Have you ever been to ScareHouse here in Pittsburgh? It was recently named the 3rd best haunt in the country and that means one thing … it’s pretty freaking scary.

I planned to go last year, but I shockingly chickened out because I’m a scaredy cat baby.

Do we want to rehash how easily scared by the fake world I am?

- The movie Signs gave me such horrible heebie jeebies that I couldn’t be alone at night for months and if I walked past a turned-off television, I couldn’t look into the reflection for fear I’d see an alien standing behind me preparing to use its freaky alien poison shooter wrist flap to shoot poison up the noses of my loved ones.

- Jaws caused me to this day to be unable to sleep if any appendage of mine is dangling so much as a millimeter over the edge of the mattress, because in my fake scary world, sharks live under my bed.

- My basement will always make me think about the Blair Witch. So will trees.

- I’ve seen five minutes of Paranormal Activity and I’m pretty sure something took a bite out of my soul.

- When I swim in a pool, A SWIMMING POOL, I can freak myself out that there is a shark in the pool with me.

- I’ve never seen the Exorcist because I know if I do, I’ll probably be committed to a mental institution.

- This post.

- I know things are fake, but in the back of my head, I say, “MAYBE THEY’RE NOT! RUN, GIRL! RUN!”

- I’d throat-punch a kid if he jumped out of the bushes during Halloween dressed as that Scream thing.

- What if I get a call that really IS coming from inside the house? Do I run or do I hide?

- What if clowns really do want to kill me?

- What if I walk into my daughter’s room one night and I look at one of her dolls and it blinks at me and breathes, “Don’t cry, Mommy.”

[shudder]

So you understand why I need to win this contest. Here’s the deal. October 5 will be a special night at the ScareHouse. Proceeds from ticket sales for the entire night will be split evenly between Make Room for Kids and Christmas Crazy for Kids, thanks to the generosity of owners Scott and Barb Simmons and Wayne Simmons.

You have a few options if you plan to go to ScareHouse this year and if you’d like to support the charities:

1. Click that princess button up there and you’ll be taken to the ScareHouse site where you can score a first-come first-served VIP ticket for $30 (don’t worry if you aren’t on Twitter). This gets you into all three haunts whose names I won’t mention because they’re SCARY. You’ll also be given entrance to the VIP room where lots of other folks will hang out and we’ll have awesome stuff up there like food and surprises, etc. You’ll also be able to enter the ScareHouse as an RIP, giving you front-of-the-line access. If you hate haunted houses, like me, you can still buy the ticket and just hang out with us in the VIP room. It’s going to be fun! Now, by clicking my button and not the button over at Burgh Baby’s site, you’re voting for me. This is important for a reason I’ll tell you in a minute.

2. If you don’t want or are too late to secure the VIP/RIP ticket, but you still want to hang out with all of us in the ScareHouse haunts, you can instead purchase a regular discounted ticket by clicking here and selecting the Scary Crazy ticket. Use the promo code “DRESS” and you’ll get the discounted ticket of $15 and you’ll have a vote logged for me to win, not Burgh Baby.

What are you voting for? Well, we decided to make things interesting.  A little wager. If more people purchase their tickets through me, Michelle will have to experience her worst nightmare, which is being made up completely and totally as a pretty pretty pink fluffy cotton candy clouds and sunshine and love and tweeting birds and helpful mice princess.

If Michelle wins, and more people purchase their October 5 ScareHouse tickets through her … I will … have to … GO THROUGH THE ENTIRE FREAKING SCAREHOUSE ALL BY MY PANTS-PEEING MOMMY-WANTING UNDERWEAR-SHITTING SELF! No one to hide behind. No one to say to me, “Chillax. It’s all fake.”

This cannot happen.

I cannot lose.

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