(Note to self: Stop scheduling meetings on Monday morning as it greatly interferes with your ability to offer a timely WTRT. KTHXBAI, self. Also, self, while I have you here, setting your alarm for 5:30 this morning was hilariously ambitious. Snoozing it for 2 full hours, well, that’s a new record. Bravo, self. Bravo.)
So in an effort to lose ten very pesky jerky butt-faced butt pounds, I downloaded the Lose It app onto my iTouch (ITOUCH ITOUCH ITOUCH IS NOT A WORD BUT I’M STILL GOING TO CALL IT ITOUCH TO PISS YOU APPLE GEEKS OFF).
The idea is that you record every single calorie you put into your mouth, and here’s something I learned. Everything has calories. If I throw a handful of fishie crackers into my mouth, I have to record it. Every chip. Every apple. Every half box of swiss rolls.
So yesterday when the family headed to Wexfordshire to watch the game at Princess Aurora’s castle, imagine my displeasure to discover a spread of homemade macaroni and cheese, buffalo chicken dip, hummus, chili, chips, salsa, cheese dip, and apple crisp with ice cream. No way was I inputting all of that into Lose It to do the math because I’m pretty sure I hit my recommended daily intake of calories as soon as I inhaled the air in her kitchen.
GOSH DARN FOOTBALL MAKING ME DIETFAIL.
But let’s talk football.
1. Going into this game, Tampa was undefeated, which is shocking because it’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the Steelers were also undefeated, which is shocking because our franchise quarterback (again, whatever the hell that means) is on a big time-out, and we are going through quarterbacks like Skippy Skeeve through a box of condoms. Or a bucket of Valtrex.
2. Charlie Batch’s first toss was an interception and my whole family said this. “Charlieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
It was like a half gag/groan. Charlieeeeeee[gag]eeeeeeeeeegrrrrrrr.
I think Charlie heard us all the way in Tampa.
But I didn’t throw up in my mouth when he threw the interception. Because I didn’t want to have to add it to my daily caloric intake.
3. Brett The Diesel Keisel, or as I like to call him, Grizzly Adams,
That’s just uncanny.
Grizzly ran a ball 79 yards for a touchdown, which when a defensive end is running a distance, you kind of want to do the dog years thing and multiply it by 7.
So Brett Keisel running 79 yards really felt like to him that he ran 553 yards. Which is why he wanted oxygen so badly.
Look at the Tampa coach. He is either refusing to watch the touchdown be scored or he cannot tear his eyes from the Tampa cheerleaders, who I believe are called the Tampa Bay Buccasluts:
Buccahoes? Buccahookers? Buccatramps? Buccawhores?
4. Speaking of the Buccafloozies, this from reader Karen:
Went to the Steeler Game in Tampa and let me tell you, I LOVED when our Steeler Fans booed the hell out of the Tampa Buc Cheerleaders. They started a big dance number in the endzone mere feet from where Ike Taylor was lying hurt on the field. It sounded like we were in Pittsburgh.
You stay classy, Buccaprostitutes.
What? I ran out of words for slut.
5. I bet Jeff Reed never runs out of words for slut.
6. As I have been writing this post, I have been interrupted over a dozen times by various matters, children, pets, phone calls, etc. I need to find a coffee shop.
7. I found liquor. That’ll do.
8. My sister’s house exploded when Charlie Batch connected with Mike Wallace for the first touchdown. Exploded. What an amazing throw. An amazing catch. And thank God the defender didn’t bother to turn around and look for the ball.
Internet, Mike Wallace is super hot and there are not nearly enough pictures of him without his helmet. These are the only two I found, the first from Whirl Magazine.
Amazing what poor lighting can do, no?
9. Charlie Batch just got better and better as the first half progressed. He seemed to be throwing at the knees a bit, but gradually began really hitting numbers, even in traffic. And when he took off running, well, I tell you, Benny who?
BENNY WHO, PITTSBURGH?!
10. What are the chances if Charlie plays like that next week, that Coach benches Benny against the Browns?
Forget I asked.
I GET IT. Forget I asked.
11. We interrupt this WTRT for a public service announcement.
This is a pirate mascot:
This is a pirate mascot on meth:
12. Rashard Mendenhall has really gone from Willie Parker to Jerome Bettis, hasn’t he? At least to me he has. I mean, he used to be incapable of gaining yardage after he was touched, kinda like Willie Parker often was, but now, he practically runs with players hanging onto him for dear life.
Literal riding of the shirt tails there.
13. Everything clicked. Everything worked. Even the interceptions ended up not mattering that much.
Charlie had something to prove, seeing as he wasn’t even in contention as a go-to guy, and he proved it. He proved he IS a go-to guy.
He proved he still has it. He proved he still wants it. He proved once again, we can win without Benny.
The difference this time? It wasn’t ugly.
It was pretty.
It was downright gorgeous.
Like this guy:
I’d lick my screen, but God only knows how many calories that would be.