I’ve had it with nature.
I live in a citified section of a suburb. I have a street light that lights my yard. I occasionally see a bunny or a squirrel or hilariously, once, a squirrel being attacked from air by a dive-bombing pigeon. There’s the occasional baby-snatching hawk, but for the most part, historically, nature leaves me alone here.
But lately, nature is seriously getting out of hand here in Pittsburgh.
It’s bad when bugs become news and the stinkbugs have become news because apparently the stinkbugs have been watching too much Jersey Shore or Skinemax or stinkbug porn and they have reproduced in epic numbers to take over Pittsburgh and my neighborhood.
It is so bad that if you stop at a stop light, you can see the stinkbugs hopping from car to car like they’ve figured out how to use human vehicles as public bug transportation. “Next stop, disabled Chevy near Target.”
It is so bad that I keep finding stinkbugs in my car and every time I see a stinkbug, I start to itch. EVERYWHERE. I can feel them on me.
It is so bad that when I find one in my house, instead of being all, “EFF! IT IS A BUG! IN MY HOUSE! GET ME A CAN OF RAID, MY ORECK, AN ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS, SOME GLOVES AND THE SKI GOGGLES! PREPARE THE TOILET!” as I initially was, now I’m all, “Hiya, stinky. Did you watch Mike and Molly last night? That’s a great show. Oh, your shield is a little dull. Let me polish that for you.”
Last night, my kid found a stinkbug in his bed. I named it Ray and we’re having coffee right now.
Reader and friend Bobby sent me this one.
Apparently, a few years ago, some Burgher got the genius idea to feed hundreds of skunks from troughs he set out and that made more skunks move in and now, we are having lots of skunks in Pittsburgh.
“It not only smells bad, but skunks always aim high and their aim is pretty accurate. It’s innate within them to spray toward the face, even toward humans,” he said.
However, like I told Bobby, I prefer the skunks to the stinkbugs. I can shoot a skunk.
3. If stinkbugs and skunks weren’t bad enough, now we have to worry about the rabid foxes.
After three people were bitten by foxes suspected of being rabid this month, the Allegheny County Health Department issued an alert to all county residents to avoid the animals as well as raccoons.
I swear. This is like I Am Legend.
I prefer my nature to be docile and fluffy. Rabbits. Chipmunks. Ewoks. Instead we get stinkbugs, skunks, and rabid foxes.
And that’s just until the deer start losing their shit again.
But the point of my post is this. Why aren’t Ewoks real? God seriously dropped the ball on that one.