Nuts!

Remember how I was saying I was sad we hadn’t had any oddball news stories lately, like the the drunk guy who tried to revive the possum, or the lady that hit her sister with her own prosthetic leg or any other news story that seems like someone picked random words and threw them in a headline for shits and giggles like, “Florida woman steals Dirt Devil and tries to ride it to Disney World” or “Man mails mangled monkey balls to monk in Mongolia?”

Well, the universe did hear my cry and answered with this headline:

Judge. Intercourse. Condoms. Acorns!

Police say a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., hid condoms inside acorns and handed them out to women in the state Capitol complex last week.

Thoughts:

1. Does one purchase acorns already stuffed with condoms from the sex-tchotchke store or does one go out into the wild, get some acorns, open them, stuff a condom inside, and then glue the little acorn hat back on? Does one then write, “I’m nuts about you,” on a card before handing the condom-stuffed acorn to the women? Is there a market for condom-stuffed acorns? Would they be called “Nutsacks?” THESE ARE MY QUESTIONS.

2. What would happen to a squirrel if it ate a condom-stuffed acorn? Would it poop a condom balloon?

3. The fact that the judge is from Intercourse makes it six bajillion times funnier. I smell a marketing opportunity for Intercourse, PA.

4. At least he wasn’t handing out acorn-stuffed condoms. Now THAT’S what we could call “Nutsacks.”

I’m done.

(h/t Paul)





24 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    September 29, 2010 4:52 pm

    It did not happen in Intercourse, it happened at the Capitol complex in Harrisburg.

    Still hilarious story, though!



  2. SpudMom
    September 29, 2010 4:53 pm

    I see the next Misson for Secret Agent L – a condom stuffed acorn with the note “I’m nuts about you! Yes you!”

    I know. I know. I’m leaving now.



  3. Virginia
    September 29, 2010 4:54 pm

    Good catch, Anon. Fixed!



  4. k
    September 29, 2010 5:07 pm

    I was having that sort of “I need to pop an antacid right now” kind of day when I read a few sentences of this post and nearly choked on said antacid.
    This post was a much better cure…



  5. Donncha
    September 29, 2010 5:25 pm

    Folks, have you ever seen a condom? Ever seen an acorn? How the devil did he fit the condom into the acorn? I think there’s something somebody’s not telling us and for that I’m grateful.



  6. Casey
    September 29, 2010 5:29 pm

    @Donncha I think what they telling us is, y’all have bigger nuts in PA than we do in GA!



  7. Karen
    September 29, 2010 5:41 pm

    Due to my strong dislike albeit complete and utter fear of squirrels I would hope for choking on the condom stuffed acorn instead of the condom balloons.



  8. Heather Downey
    September 29, 2010 5:43 pm

    OMG! Back when I was a bartender I had a judge at my bar with these things! (I’m going to assume it’s the same person…how many judges hand out condom-stuffed acorns?) Anyway, they weren’t full sized condoms. They were teenie tiny condoms, sort of like what you put on your finger when you have a cut, but still have to deal with things like serving drinks :)



  9. Carpetbagger
    September 29, 2010 5:58 pm

    Nut Rubbers… Wood Wrappers… Oaken Raincoats… Tree Trojans.

    These were obviously not assembled by Catholic squirrels.



  10. Clementine
    September 29, 2010 6:18 pm

    I read it as “acorn-stuffed condoms” and just when I was visualizing that lumpy, bumpy mess, I realized it was “condom-stuffed acorns”…

    Do squirrels care about safe sex? Should we be forcing our values on them?
    Do squirrels even have penises?
    Who makes the tiny condoms?
    Were my tax dollars used to fund this?
    Can tiny condoms be repurposed to suffocate stinkbugs?
    Can stinkbugs be stuffed inside acorns?
    Do stinkbugs have penises?

    I must say, I do find the squirrel population AND the stinkbug population to be oversexed. It’s about time somebody took a stand. Vote for Judge Intercourse!



  11. bluzdude
    September 29, 2010 7:59 pm

    That could be the name of the high school football team… the Fighting Nutsacks.



  12. Donna
    September 29, 2010 8:09 pm

    Holy crap, that is all kinds of hilarious.



  13. lizard
    September 29, 2010 8:52 pm

    My mother once gave me a handful of those. They’re of the finger-sized variety, and are utterly worthless once you break them free of the acorn. Still not sure what to make of that situation, besides the obvious awkward turtle.



  14. tw
    September 29, 2010 10:00 pm

    Too bad this didn’t happen in the neighboring town of Blueball, Pa. You’ve got to love the town names out here. :)



  15. Pa-pop
    September 29, 2010 10:28 pm

    Intercourse is a great place to start if you want to take a fast and easy eight-minute ride to Paradise or a long, slow four hour drive to the edge of Climax.



  16. tw
    September 29, 2010 11:37 pm

    Maybe you should start at Virginville first. ;)



  17. Angry Mongo
    September 30, 2010 8:14 am

    I think I’ve heard of these as a joke item in regards to a squirrel overpopulation. Spencers probably has them right between the anti fart pills and a picture of a scantily clad 80s bimbo sudsing up a Ferrari Testosterona.

    Cue Whitesnake!



  18. rudy
    September 30, 2010 9:38 am

    Well, if it’s oddball news headlines you want, how’s this one: “Delhi deploys super-monkey security for Commonwealth Games”

    Here’s the link:
    http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/delhi-deploys-super-monkey-security-guards-for-commonwealth-games-092810



  19. bucdaddy
    September 30, 2010 10:43 am

    Cue the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

    If Trojan really wants to sell some condoms, they should label them all Extra Extra Large no matter how big they are.



  20. Tracy
    September 30, 2010 11:02 am

    Nutsacks! ROFL!



  21. burgher-licious
    September 30, 2010 11:59 am

    So, what is the judge’s point? Have protected sex only with men (squirrels) who have small junk?



  22. CrashJK
    September 30, 2010 1:13 pm

    This just in !!! Rendell to propose Acorn Condom Tax – Proceeds to be spent on small d#cked politicians working in the Harrisburg area.



  23. CrashJK
    September 30, 2010 1:15 pm

    Quick, send a gross of these to the Washington Capital’s Locker Room…we know a few folks there who they would fit….



  24. bucdaddy
    October 1, 2010 9:23 pm

    What a nutjob.