Remember how I was saying I was sad we hadn’t had any oddball news stories lately, like the the drunk guy who tried to revive the possum, or the lady that hit her sister with her own prosthetic leg or any other news story that seems like someone picked random words and threw them in a headline for shits and giggles like, “Florida woman steals Dirt Devil and tries to ride it to Disney World” or “Man mails mangled monkey balls to monk in Mongolia?”
Well, the universe did hear my cry and answered with this headline:
Judge. Intercourse. Condoms. Acorns!
Police say a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., hid condoms inside acorns and handed them out to women in the state Capitol complex last week.
1. Does one purchase acorns already stuffed with condoms from the sex-tchotchke store or does one go out into the wild, get some acorns, open them, stuff a condom inside, and then glue the little acorn hat back on? Does one then write, “I’m nuts about you,” on a card before handing the condom-stuffed acorn to the women? Is there a market for condom-stuffed acorns? Would they be called “Nutsacks?” THESE ARE MY QUESTIONS.
2. What would happen to a squirrel if it ate a condom-stuffed acorn? Would it poop a condom balloon?
3. The fact that the judge is from Intercourse makes it six bajillion times funnier. I smell a marketing opportunity for Intercourse, PA.
4. At least he wasn’t handing out acorn-stuffed condoms. Now THAT’S what we could call “Nutsacks.”