That's Church

Have you ever been to ScareHouse here in Pittsburgh? It was recently named the 3rd best haunt in the country and that means one thing … it’s pretty freaking scary.

I planned to go last year, but I shockingly chickened out because I’m a scaredy cat baby.

Do we want to rehash how easily scared by the fake world I am?

- The movie Signs gave me such horrible heebie jeebies that I couldn’t be alone at night for months and if I walked past a turned-off television, I couldn’t look into the reflection for fear I’d see an alien standing behind me preparing to use its freaky alien poison shooter wrist flap to shoot poison up the noses of my loved ones.

- Jaws caused me to this day to be unable to sleep if any appendage of mine is dangling so much as a millimeter over the edge of the mattress, because in my fake scary world, sharks live under my bed.

- My basement will always make me think about the Blair Witch. So will trees.

- I’ve seen five minutes of Paranormal Activity and I’m pretty sure something took a bite out of my soul.

- When I swim in a pool, A SWIMMING POOL, I can freak myself out that there is a shark in the pool with me.

- I’ve never seen the Exorcist because I know if I do, I’ll probably be committed to a mental institution.

- This post.

- I know things are fake, but in the back of my head, I say, “MAYBE THEY’RE NOT! RUN, GIRL! RUN!”

- I’d throat-punch a kid if he jumped out of the bushes during Halloween dressed as that Scream thing.

- What if I get a call that really IS coming from inside the house? Do I run or do I hide?

- What if clowns really do want to kill me?

- What if I walk into my daughter’s room one night and I look at one of her dolls and it blinks at me and breathes, “Don’t cry, Mommy.”

[shudder]

So you understand why I need to win this contest. Here’s the deal. October 5 will be a special night at the ScareHouse. Proceeds from ticket sales for the entire night will be split evenly between Make Room for Kids and Christmas Crazy for Kids, thanks to the generosity of owners Scott and Barb Simmons and Wayne Simmons.

You have a few options if you plan to go to ScareHouse this year and if you’d like to support the charities:

1. Click that princess button up there and you’ll be taken to the ScareHouse site where you can score a first-come first-served VIP ticket for $30 (don’t worry if you aren’t on Twitter). This gets you into all three haunts whose names I won’t mention because they’re SCARY. You’ll also be given entrance to the VIP room where lots of other folks will hang out and we’ll have awesome stuff up there like food and surprises, etc. You’ll also be able to enter the ScareHouse as an RIP, giving you front-of-the-line access. If you hate haunted houses, like me, you can still buy the ticket and just hang out with us in the VIP room. It’s going to be fun! Now, by clicking my button and not the button over at Burgh Baby’s site, you’re voting for me. This is important for a reason I’ll tell you in a minute.

2. If you don’t want or are too late to secure the VIP/RIP ticket, but you still want to hang out with all of us in the ScareHouse haunts, you can instead purchase a regular discounted ticket by clicking here and selecting the Scary Crazy ticket. Use the promo code “DRESS” and you’ll get the discounted ticket of $15 and you’ll have a vote logged for me to win, not Burgh Baby.

What are you voting for? Well, we decided to make things interesting.  A little wager. If more people purchase their tickets through me, Michelle will have to experience her worst nightmare, which is being made up completely and totally as a pretty pretty pink fluffy cotton candy clouds and sunshine and love and tweeting birds and helpful mice princess.

If Michelle wins, and more people purchase their October 5 ScareHouse tickets through her … I will … have to … GO THROUGH THE ENTIRE FREAKING SCAREHOUSE ALL BY MY PANTS-PEEING MOMMY-WANTING UNDERWEAR-SHITTING SELF! No one to hide behind. No one to say to me, “Chillax. It’s all fake.”

This cannot happen.

I cannot lose.

So please, if you have any desire to see the ScareHouse this year, go on October 5 so that the SICK KIDS and needy kids of Pittsburgh will get a portion of your dollars and PLEASE buy your ticket through me and not Michelle so that I will not have a reason to purchase Depends until I’m at least nearing the average age of the onset of incontinence.

Also, Michelle’s entire site is virus-riddled, so I wouldn’t click on anything over there.

This isn’t playing dirty. This is self-preservation.

Dan Onorato, current chief executive of Allegheny County and candidate for governor of Pennsylvania, has a new commercial out and in it, he is sure to tell us how to pronounce his name, because apparently, his name is hard to pronounce.

Really?

This is how I pronounce it. On-or-ought-o.

Is that not right? I am putting the emphasis on the “On” and then the “ought.” Is that not right?

Let’s go to the video to see:

Thoughts:

1. I love it that he awkwardly segues from big government and term limits IMMEDIATELY into, “Some of you have a hard time pronouncing my last name.”

Who wrote this? I hope his next commercial says, “My opponent’s plan will cripple the economy of Pennsylvania, and some of you might not know that I volunteer at the food bank.”

2. Then when he is teaching us how to pronounce his name, he inexplicably holds up a card printed on which is … his name. Not the phonetic spelling of his name. Just his name. And he holds up this card with his name after his name has already been shown on the video three times including a bum-bum-bum syllable by syllable appearance of it.

It’s almost comical watching him hold that card up so enthusiastically, like he’s scoring a mambo on Dancing with the Stars.

3. Now, two different readers have informed me that at the end, the announcer mispronounces “Onorato.” I can’t really tell. What do you think?

I love the beta closed captioning available on some YouTube videos and I activated it on this one to see what YouTube thought of the pronunciation of his name:

So yes, he IS mispronouncing it.

It’s not “Been On A Runoff,” Mr. Announcer; it’s “And On Arrival.”

So glad we cleared this up.

Look out your window. Here in Pittsburgh, it’s sunny and yes, HOT, and the sky is blue and the air is still fresh from yesterday’s storms.

I don’t know about your kids, but my kids are at school, running around with their friends, learning stuff, having recess, trading Silly Bandz, then maybe coming home, riding their bikes for a while, getting boo-boos on their knees, followed by Band-Aids and all-better-now kisses. Maybe we’ll take them to the park. Maybe out for an ice cream cone.

Do you have any idea how easy it is to take that for granted? Doing those simple things with your children or your nieces and nephews or even grandchildren?

So easy. I take it for granted all the time, despite my best efforts not to. Today is one of those days I’m not taking it for granted because I received this picture from DVE’s Randy Baumann in my email.

I knew I know that boy from somewhere, and I’ll get to that in a second.

That picture is from 2009 and Randy wrote to me yesterday about how today begins the DVE Radiothon benefiting Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh:

Here’s a picture of me and my buddy Ben that I met at last year’s Radiothon. He spent years in Children’s after having a full intestinal transplant performed, and is now, finally, on the road to a more normal life. It’s only through the donations to Children’s Hospital that the level of care is maintained that allows these kids to get better, quicker, and maintain a level of health when they leave that is simply not possible elsewhere. Parents and siblings of the kids are able to be apart of the healing process at Children’s in Pittsburgh, in fact- they are included, which is an immeasurable weapon in the fight to become well again.

We are proud of the Steelers and Penguins and the display of civic pride here in Pittsburgh that is like nowhere else. Nothing could be a bigger point of pride for Pittsburghers than what is happening at Children’s Hospital right in Lawrenceville. Hoping your readers will take time to donate as little or as much as they can. Even a $5 donation matters; there’s strength in numbers, and your readers add up to quite a big number.

But, see, Randy is not telling the whole story here, and screw it, I’m telling it because he’s an Awesome Burgher who deserves the pat on the back.

Randy didn’t just meet Ben one time for a picture and then walk away forever. Randy went and visited Ben many times after he met him in 2009 and I know this because Ben told me when I chatted with him as Microsoft installed the XBOX in his room this year.

You can see me chatting with Ben at :58 in this video:

Ben told me Randy came to visit him a number of times and that he and Randy are friends. Ben told me he would listen to Randy’s show in the morning when he could. Ben told me he’s a Seahawks fan. I forgave him.

Ben was so weak when I talked to him that he fell asleep as I was in the middle of a sentence. God, I hope it’s just not that I’m THAT boring.

I was told that sometimes staff would walk by Ben’s room and there would be Randy chatting quietly with him.

Gosh. My heart could just burst. KABLOOEY.

I’m so glad to hear he’s recovering now.

So, let’s support Randy and Jim and ‘DVE and Ben and all the kids who are not running around at recess right now getting boo-boos on their knees, but instead are watching the world from their hospital windows wondering when they’ll get a chance to just need a Band-Aid and an all-better-now kiss.

Thanks, Burghers! You’re the best!

You can call 412-692-8900 or click here to donate any amount small or large.

If you donate, tell me, and I’ll give you a virtual hug so hard, your heart will burst too.

Remember this brain-destroying hit Crazy Eyes Orpik put on the Kraken?

At least I think that’s the hit this vintage shirt is paying homage to:

Also, why hasn’t anyone made a Brooks Orpik’s CRAZY EYES WILL DESTROY YOUR SOUL shirt yet?

(h/t Cassie)

Are you sitting down for this?

Okay.

It is not in fact statistically possible for the Pittsburgh Pirates to end the season playing .500 ball.

I know.

They have been out of .500 ball contention for about 5 months now, it seems. I think their last meaningful game was … WHO GIVES A F#*%?! God. I want to use the F word so bad in this post.

The point is that I asked you to believe and 110 of you believed and threw your five dollars into the THIS IS THE YEAR side of the bet and you are all losers in the sense that you lost. I lost. The Pirates lost and lost and lost and lost and lost. They lost so much they are two losses away from 100 losses, which is like the benchmark people use to know who to give the CROWN OF SUCK to.

The Pirates are currently at … I can’t even type this without dissolving into that scary laugh/cry that crazy people do … .347 ball.

LOL.

And I thought this was the year. No, this is the year they play their worst ball in a frackin’ decade. God. I really really want to use the F word.

FUDGE.

Which is what my sisters and I used to say when we wanted to swear. This in addition to crap, shoot, nuts, poop, and yes, SHUZBUTT.

Shuzbutt is indeed my favorite fake swear word that PKs use.

Now, the reason I’m posting about the Suckitude is to tell you I’m sorry you drank my Kool-Aid.  I’m sorry that 110 of you believed me and don’t get to win any prizes. I’m sorry for the suck. I’m sorry for the putresence. I’m sorry my classy nature prohibits me from writing the F word 100 times right now.

So, you want to go to Burgh Baby’s site and see who won what. There are lots of great prizes going out to some of the 87 sane people who voted no with their five bucks.

Now, the good news is that we raised almost $1,000 for our charities for children, so the Mario Lemieux Foundation received $300 more for Make Room for Kids today. That goes in the big pot and this Friday, Mike and I are placing the order for all the good stuff for the kids of the transplant floor before we move on to another unit in the hospital. All told, we’ll be spending some $11,000 and leaving the rest as a pool for game replenishment or system replacement or repairs or what not. Just for the transplant floor.

The BAD news is that the Pirates are still playing baseball and they will probably play baseball next year and they’ll probably suck me into believing again when April rolls around and everyone looks fresh and the sun is shining in Bradenton and they unveil some awesome new motivational slogan like, “CONSIDER IT DONE.”

Sigh.

I guess it’s like the lottery. We can’t lose forever.

Can we?

Ah, shuzbutt.

Also, as Michelle and I are very close to our next bet to benefit the sick or needy children of Pittsburgh, please bear in mind, I. MUST. WIN.

If I lose, I will have to go through the entire Scarehouse by myself and as sure as I was born, I will shit my pants before rolling into a ball while screaming, “PLEASE DON’T EAT MY BRAINS!”