Monthly Archives: October 2010

Anthem Sexhair: A Photographic Study in Sexhair





The end.

(photo emailed to me by The Knitting Lady’s husband at The Knitting Lady’s behest. Sexhair.)

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I do not accept this.


Two people — a man and a woman — were in custody after someone opened fire near a busy Downtown intersection this afternoon.

Middle of a Friday afternoon. Fifth and Wood. FIFTH AND WOOD. Busy busy intersection and you’re going to pull out a gun and fire it with innocent bystanders around, probably over drugs or a girl?

Police said two men who knew each other had a confrontation near Fifth Avenue and Wood Street, and one man began pistol-whipping the other in the face around 3:05 p.m. The second man pulled out his own gun and fired at his assailant.

I reject this.

I refuse to accept it.

I walk that intersection too often, sometimes with my children. I do not need this fear in my head. I don’t need this knowledge that there are actually people who find it acceptable to do this kind of thing. That have that little regard for life.

I need my blissful ignorance. My fingers in my ears. My PittGirl Cult of Personality Rose-Colored glasses on my face.

You want to be violent? Then go find a nice field somewhere, take ten steps, turn around and blow each others’ brains to high heaven. I’ll even find you the field. I’ll bring the body bags. I’ll count to ten for you. I’ll pray your aim is true.

Just get the hell out of our city.

Now, all the seriousness and rage out of the way, I have to tell you, I always have an internal chuckle at the phrase “pistol-whipping.”

It’s like “Buttafuoco” in that respect.

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Last night.

Last night I attended the CASA Tailgate event at Heinz Field, and girls, mine eyes have seen the glory of Mike Wallace in the flesh.

The flesh.





Where was I?


I began the evening meeting some of the CASA employees and was then introduced to one Chris Arians, Bruce Arians’ wife. She’s beautiful. See.

Here’s something you didn’t know. Chris has been a volunteer with CASA for over a dozen years, beginning with the CASA organization in Indianapolis.

She volunteers her time each week to work as an advocate and a champion for abused and neglected children in Allegheny County who have some very sad stories. She told me about how she’s been working the same case for several years now and about how her role is to always put the best interests of the child first, to ensure they aren’t lost in the system, to give them a fighting chance.

Guys? If I was Bruce Arians’ wife, do you know what I’d probably be doing? Shopping. I’d be shopping like it was an Olympic event. Like it was going out of style. Like it was my superpower.

Here’s Chris taking a personal interest in abused and neglected children, telling me things like, “I’ve never had a case where I didn’t feel like I at least made a difference.”

So much love for her and what she’s doing here in Pittsburgh for our kids.

She’s the next Awesome Burgher and her crown is in the mail.

So, after chatting with Chris for about 15 minutes, I mingled. I found the winner of the tickets from my giveaway, Anne and her sister Katherine who came in from DC for the event:

The picture is blurry because my husband didn’t do a good job. Blame him.

Then, a bit after 7:00 p.m., the room was full of good buzz, vibe, conversation, etc. A nice hum of conversation and laughter, when the players entered the room.

And a hush fell over the crowd.

I mean, seriously, a hush. Everyone shut the hell up and the room became as quiet as a black hole. Scientists, I assume black holes are quiet. If I’m wrong, and they’re actually very noisy, I don’t much care.

I kind of wanted to start the wave or something to get people talking again. I mean, they’re just football players. What the hell?

I got in line to get my Terrible Towel autographed and first up? My deliciousness Mike Wallace:

Huge smile on his face. Nice guy. I told him that I very much liked his new hair. He was gracious. Also? That picture was snapped by Katherine who went up to him for me to ask for a better shot because SOMEONE NAMED ME forgot to put her flash on and all her pictures of Mike Wallace looked like this:

I suck.

Moving down the line:

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t recognize some of them. Don’t hate me. That guy in the white is David Johnson, who I had to Google.

Of course I recognized Mr. Charlie Batch:

Byron, who I blinded with my flash. Poor guy:

Antwaan Randle-El was there but couldn’t be bothered to make eye contact. Also, Fox was there, but I accidentally skipped him and didn’t get his autograph.

Other people’s #s on my towel: 84, 17, 88, 85, 4, and 33.

So, after I said my goodbyes, my husband and I headed to the elevator and it just so happened that four of the players were leaving at the same time and there I was, in an elevator with Byron Leftwich, I believe Isaac Redman, Keyaron Fox, and David Johnson, who was so serious while signing autographs I almost asked him if maybe his puppy or his grandma had just died. Like, it wouldn’t kill you to smile, dude, even if you DO share a name with another local Pittsburgh celebrity.

The four of them are giant. Standing against the wall of the elevator. Quiet as a black hole again other than the hum of the moving elevator.

And I was not having any of that shit.

So I piped up cheerily, “Hey, did you guys ever notice how everyone shuts up when you enter a room?”

And David Johnson looked at me, and he smiled big, and they all started laughing.

And I said, “I’m serious. You’d have thought a bishop walked in. It must be nice to have that kind of power over people.”

And they laughed again and the elevator doors opened and we bid them goodnight.

Internet, for once in my life, I met a famous person and I did not get all “I carried a watermelon” on them and I think it was because after talking to Chris Arians, I realized that the ripple of her life and her work will have much further-reaching good will and perpetual positive impact than most professional athletes’ lives will. People like her are the real heroes, the ones we should be in awe of and nervous around.

Also, I’m giving away this Terrible Towel with all these autographs.

But you gotta come to Ti Kanaval to win it as it will be a raffle item.

See how I did that?

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Hey, I don’t beg you often unless it’s about orphans or sick kids and this one is about orphans.

ORPHANS! Helpless babies with no one to care for them but Jamie and Ali McMutrie.

You might not know that I am on the board of directors at Haitian Orphan Rescue and that’s why along with fellow board member Jonathan Wander, I’ve taken a pretty active role in planning this year’s Ti Kanaval.

Remember Ti Kanaval? That’s the fundraiser for Jamie and Ali that I first met them at just weeks before the earthquake hit Haiti. Here’s a picture from the night I met them at Firehouse Lounge.

(Yes, shut up. I realize I look ridiculous. “A nun going grocery shopping” is how I described it. This year, I’m going to look better.)

This year, we’re holding the event at Whim on November 13 and thanks to Whim and VIP Manager Kevin Salmen, it is promising to be an amazing and fun night and I want you to join me there. Jamie and Ali will be coming home from Haiti for the event and I’m hopeful that they’ll be pleased with what we’ve done for them.

Tickets are cheap. We’re talking $10. That’s it and it includes a free drink and a raffle ticket for tons of great prizes and live music!

The website is live now and has all the details and a link out to Eventbrite to buy your ticket.

What I’m most excited about:

  • The awesome people that are coming. I’ll provide a full list of local celebrities who will be there as soon as I’m done stalking and hounding them and emailing them and threatening them with loaded pigeon cloacas.
  • The VIP hour from 5 – 6. For $30 you can upgrade your ticket to hang out with Jamie and Ali at a meet n’ greet, and you’ll get TWO drinks free and five raffle tickets.
  • The dessert table. DESSERT TABLE. Free desserts! Piled high. DESSERTS.
  • The auction items. We’ll be posting a list, but trust me, some really great stuff.
  • Raffle baskets. Our good friend Vivian Lee Croft has been a force and has secured raffle basket items from places like Henne Jewelers, Cardamom Press, Carnegie Museums, Mattress Factory, Venture Outdoors and more! I’ll post a list on the site soon.
  • Music. Have you guys heard of Punchline? Fantastic local rock group who is donating time to play a set at the event for Jamie and Ali. First, this guy on the far right? Looks totally familiar and I can’t figure out why. It’s driving me nuts. Maybe he looks like a famous person? I don’t know.

Beyond that, great music. Here’s their latest called “21 Forever” from their album Delightfully Pleased:

YouTube Preview Image


Our emcees for the evening? The pride of Pittsburgh, Mikey and Big Bob!

So, check out the site, click on Eventbrite, and buy a ticket! For me! For Jamie and Ali! For the KIDS!

I’ll see you there. I’ll be the chick that doesn’t look like a nun out to buy some Preparation H and the jumbo pack of Depends.

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This post is kinda icky, and I’ve just warned you it’s kind of icky, and the title of the post is TMI, which means “Too Much Information” and again, icky in a medical kind of way, and again, I’ve warned you, warned you thrice, so don’t go yelling at me in the comments. You are choosing to continue reading. Also, I’m looking at you young’uns. I know you’re reading because you chat with me on Facebook all, “I love your site. I’m 10.”


A male friend sent me this screen-cap from the Post-Gazette’s website with a note that basically said, “WTF? EWWWW! MY EYES.”


What a thing to encounter as you sip your morning coffee, catching up on the latest in the pension wars.

Ravenstahl. Rudiak. Kunka. Zober. Labia.

Not just plastic surgery. Not a tummy tuck. A butt lift. Botox. Boob job or any other number of less SWEET MOTHER NATURE! procedures. Labiaplasty is the procedure they chose to advertise.

(Told ya I’d work that phrase into my lexicon.)

So, I hunted down that website and read the press release to find in addition to a testimonial from a stripper, gems like this:

  • Sometimes, they just want shorter labia lips for themselves or that special someone.
  • The final results are a lovelier and less annoying vaginal area.
  • With so much media attention, women with enlarged labia now know they are not freaks of nature

Now, don’t scold me. I realize it is a valid medical procedure, but seriously … TMI first thing in the morning on a news site.

Hey, do you guys remember that episode of Friends where Joey became the model for a VD poster? I bet that girl in that stock image is just LOVING that instead of her picture appearing on a lovely ad for perhaps a fall sale at Big Lots, she has become the model representing enlarged labia in Pittsburgh.

Take a note, I will never write the word labia again as long as I live.

It is so written.

P.S. Whatever you do, do not scroll to the bottom and click on “When Lawn Mowers Attack.” You’ve been warned. Again. Thrice.

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