When TJ Houshmanblahblah caught the touchdown in the fourth quarter, my entire family, which was gathered at my parent’s house, was stunned into silence.
Then my 7-year-old son and 8-year-old nephew stood up and stormed angrily out of the room saying what is for them, pretty strong words, “Stupid. It’s over. Stupid. I can’t believe it. Stupid. Peace out. [throws signs].”
When TJ Houshmanblahblah caught the touchdown in the fourth quarter, my one-year-old cutie pie niece, dressed in a fab pink Steelers track suit, sat on her little red chair with her Terrible Toddler Towel in her lap, clapped adorably and chanted with a big smile on her face, “Go! Go! Go! Go! YAY!”
She doesn’t quite know how it all works yet, but we’re learnin’ her.
That game was painful and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I used the words vomit, puke, and gag at least a dozen times during the last five minutes of it. It had been a long time since I broke out into football-induced cold sweats.
I hope I’m not getting the flu. Also, is swine flu still a thing?
Let’s talk about this depressing game.
1. The Steelers lost and the Earth did weep. That’s in Zephaniah.
2. I guess I should preface this by saying that 3-1 without Ben Roethlisberger is better than what most anyone expected. So yay for that.
However, this game was totally winnable, so BOO TO THE EFFING HOO TO THAT.
3. There are many reasons why we lost, and one of those is the fact that we gave up a total of almost an entire field length of yardage in penalties.
88 yards in penalties! And the worst of them happening right when we really needed to NOT lose yardage, the fourth quarter when a first down would have won us the game.
88 yards in penalties when we had 80 total yards in penalties in the three games prior combined is inexcusable.
It’s like the Steelers forgot what behavior mandates a penalty call.
I’ll take “People I Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley” for $100, Alex.
4. For the first time in four games, that I can recall, Randle-El did something other than call for a fair catch. He caught a ball and he did it beautifully and he put us in position for a touchdown.
Did you notice how he seemed to suspend himself in mid-air to make the catch? Like he defied gravity, held himself aloft, and waited for the ball to get to him.
It was a thing of beauty.
I’ll take, “It’s About Damn Time” for $400, Alex.
5. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to appreciate the physical specimen that is referee Ed Hochuli, the hottest grandpa on the planet.
I’ll take “Embarrassing, Dirty Thoughts You Had During Yesterday’s Football Game” for $200, Alex.
6. Charlie Batch. Oh, Charlie, my love. I love you; I still love you; I’ll always love you for being the good, decent, kind, pure soul that you are.
However, you did something yesterday that I never thought possible.
[sigh] I’ll take, “Things I Hate Myself For” for $2,000, Alex.
I blame Charlie Batch. Why couldn’t you have been better, Charlie!? Why did you throw that last interception? Why did you have to throw it to Ray Freaking Lewis?
7. We again interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to gaze upon a very weird picture of Daniel Sepulveda, a picture that appears in the Steelers Yearbook which was handed out at the game, courtesy of @MarkECib:
I’ll take “The Weirdest Picture That Ever Turned Me On” for $500, Alex.
8. Can’t escape it. The defense was not there for us when we needed them to be. Which is contrary to weeks prior when the defense was our savior. Maybe they were all still reveling in our past wins to pay too much attention to this week?
9. Rashard Mendenhall once again proved to me that he’s worthy of my affection. His diving touchdown in which he dragged the ball across the pole sticky uppy endzone thingy?
10. And of course, when you lose a game by three points, you must take a long hard look at the person who missed two make-able field goals.
Jeff Reed. Skippy Skeeve. Foul Dwarf. Slut collector.
Honestly, I was okay when he missed the first one. 49-yards. A bit of a distance. Not going to take away his sluts just for that.
But to miss two field goals in one game? Field goals that had one been made, would have likely meant overtime, and if both had been made, would have been a victory for the Steelers?
I guess he consulted the rule-book and learned that he can in fact demand slut-return, because when Skippy missed the second one, Coach demanded ALL of them back.
Called back from Skippy, the previously awarded sluts did appear from every corner of the stadium and they numbered in the tens of thousands.
That’s in Ezekiel.
It was like an alien invasion. You smell ’em before you see ’em.
Oh, Skippy. Just one of them. YOU ONLY NEEDED TO MAKE ONE OF THE FIELD GOALS, and you’d still have your sluts and you’d have added new sluts to the old sluts.
Also, your thighs are distractingly huge.
I’ll take “Diseased Things I Don’t Ever Want to See Naked” for $800, Alex.
It’s a bye week, so it will be two more weeks until we’re together again for a What They’re Really Thinking. We’ll be facing Cleveland and we’ll be doing it with The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross leading the troops into battle once again.
I predict a win with an epic performance by Ben, who will be itching to prove himself.
And he did smite his Cleveland foes, and it came to pass that his doubters and haters did forget he might have raped a girl in a bathroom stall.
That’s in Nebuchadnezzer.