What They’re Really Thinking: Bible Jeopardy Edition

When TJ Houshmanblahblah caught the touchdown in the fourth quarter, my entire family, which was gathered at my parent’s house, was stunned into silence.

Then my 7-year-old son and 8-year-old nephew stood up and stormed angrily out of the room saying what is for them, pretty strong words, “Stupid. It’s over. Stupid. I can’t believe it. Stupid.  Peace out. [throws signs].”

When TJ Houshmanblahblah caught the touchdown in the fourth quarter, my one-year-old cutie pie niece, dressed in a fab pink Steelers track suit, sat on her little red chair with her Terrible Toddler Towel in her lap, clapped adorably and chanted with a big smile on her face, “Go! Go! Go! Go! YAY!”

She doesn’t quite know how it all works yet, but we’re learnin’ her.

That game was painful and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I used the words vomit, puke, and gag at least a dozen times during the last five minutes of it. It had been a long time since I broke out into football-induced cold sweats.

I hope I’m not getting the flu. Also, is swine flu still a thing?

Let’s talk about this depressing game.

1. The Steelers lost and the Earth did weep. That’s in Zephaniah.

2. I guess I should preface this by saying that 3-1 without Ben Roethlisberger is better than what most anyone expected. So yay for that.

However, this game was totally winnable, so BOO TO THE EFFING HOO TO THAT.

3. There are many reasons why we lost, and one of those is the fact that we gave up a total of almost an entire field length of yardage in penalties.

88 yards in penalties! And the worst of them happening right when we really needed to NOT lose yardage, the fourth quarter when a first down would have won us the game.

88 yards in penalties when we had 80 total yards in penalties in the three games prior combined is inexcusable.

It’s like the Steelers forgot what behavior mandates a penalty call.

I’ll take “People I Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley” for $100, Alex.

4. For the first time in four games, that I can recall, Randle-El did something other than call for a fair catch. He caught a ball and he did it beautifully and he put us in position for a touchdown.

Did you notice how he seemed to suspend himself in mid-air to make the catch? Like he defied gravity, held himself aloft, and waited for the ball to get to him.

It was a thing of beauty.

I’ll take, “It’s About Damn Time” for $400, Alex.

5. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to appreciate the physical specimen that is referee Ed Hochuli, the hottest grandpa on the planet.

I’ll take “Embarrassing, Dirty Thoughts You Had During Yesterday’s Football Game” for $200, Alex.

6. Charlie Batch. Oh, Charlie, my love. I love you; I still love you; I’ll always love you for being the good, decent, kind, pure soul that you are.

However, you did something yesterday that I never thought possible.

No.

NO!

[sigh] I’ll take, “Things I Hate Myself For” for $2,000, Alex.

I blame Charlie Batch. Why couldn’t you have been better, Charlie!? Why did you throw that last interception? Why did you have to throw it to Ray Freaking Lewis?

7.  We again interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to gaze upon a very weird picture of Daniel Sepulveda, a picture that appears in the Steelers Yearbook which was handed out at the game, courtesy of @MarkECib:

I’ll take “The Weirdest Picture That Ever Turned Me On” for $500, Alex.

8. Can’t escape it. The defense was not there for us when we needed them to be. Which is contrary to weeks prior when the defense was our savior. Maybe they were all still reveling in our past wins to pay too much attention to this week?

9. Rashard Mendenhall once again proved to me that he’s worthy of my affection. His diving touchdown in which he dragged the ball across the pole sticky uppy endzone thingy?

FINGERHEARTS.

10. And of course, when you lose a game by three points, you must take a long hard look at the person who missed two make-able field goals.

Jeff Reed. Skippy Skeeve. Foul Dwarf. Slut collector.

Honestly, I was okay when he missed the first one. 49-yards. A bit of a distance. Not going to take away his sluts just for that.

But to miss two field goals in one game? Field goals that had one been made, would have likely meant overtime, and if both had been made, would have been a victory for the Steelers?

I guess he consulted the rule-book and learned that he can in fact demand slut-return, because when Skippy missed the second one, Coach demanded ALL of them back.

Called back from Skippy, the previously awarded sluts did appear from every corner of the stadium and they numbered in the tens of thousands.

That’s in Ezekiel.

It was like an alien invasion. You smell ’em before you see ’em.

Oh, Skippy. Just one of them. YOU ONLY NEEDED TO MAKE ONE OF THE FIELD GOALS, and you’d still have your sluts and you’d have added new sluts to the old sluts.

You failed.

Also, your thighs are distractingly huge.

I’ll take “Diseased Things I Don’t Ever Want to See Naked” for $800, Alex.

It’s a bye week, so it will be two more weeks until we’re together again for a What They’re Really Thinking. We’ll be facing Cleveland and we’ll be doing it with The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross leading the troops into battle once again.

I predict a win with an epic performance by Ben, who will be itching to prove himself.

And he did smite his Cleveland foes, and it came to pass that his doubters and haters did forget he might have raped a girl in a bathroom stall.

That’s in Nebuchadnezzer.

What?





33 Comments

  1. red pen mama
    October 4, 2010 2:04 pm

    This game proves to me that I should always be safely at home watching. Instead of, for example, in a roller skating arena for my niece’s and nephew’s birthdays, having my Flip camera stolen from me. (My kids were adorable, though, and had fun.)

    Highlight of the post: Ed Hochuli, hot grandpa. It’s funny because it’s true.

    Close second: admitting you missed Ben. Right there with ya. I expected Batch to have another great game, and, barring that, thought the D would come through for us. As you said, 3-1 is nothing to sneeze at, but boo hoo that we lost to the Ravens. That always stings.



  2. JenEngland
    October 4, 2010 2:18 pm

    My 11 year old daughter looked at Ed Hochuli and said “Why are the Refs so buff?” And so it begins…

    And did you notice that Skippy’s poor performance this season coincides with the more staid hair cut and sedate look. In fact, he doesn’t LOOK like Skippy Skeeve any more. He looks more like Jeff Reed. Not to get all biblical–you started–but maybe his power was in his spiky frosted hair, sort of like Samson (that’s the right biblical reference right? that’s the bible right, not greek myths? Isn’t there a greek myth to the same effect?)

    Anywho, maybe while you long for *shudder* the return of Ben, I kind of want Skippy to be his old skeevy self.



  3. ClumberKim
    October 4, 2010 2:28 pm

    Itching? That goes for Skippy and Ben.



  4. Erin
    October 4, 2010 2:29 pm

    Hahhaaaa. You’ve outdone yourself! Excellent pics of Ben, great shot of Troy hiding his face!



  5. Elle C.
    October 4, 2010 2:58 pm

    I LOL’d when I read: “Also, your thighs are distractingly huge.” because it’s TRUE! Seriously, what is going on there??



  6. Ms Redd
    October 4, 2010 3:02 pm

    They aren’t that huge- he has a slut tucked down each leg.



  7. PA Girl in VA
    October 4, 2010 4:13 pm

    That first pic of Ben KILLED me!!!! Thanks for another great edition of, “What They’re Really Thinking”!



  8. Jess
    October 4, 2010 4:15 pm

    @ PA Girl in VA: I was just about to type that first pic of Ben is creepy – lol!!



  9. Burghbird
    October 4, 2010 4:17 pm

    I really, really wanted to be ok with being 3-1 upon Ben’s return. But knowing that we were a mere first down away from being 4-0, and instead gave the Ravens’ (self proclaimed) awesome defense their very first INT of the season in the hands of Ray-Freakin-Lewis, it kinda sucks alot. Blurgh!



  10. gunnlino
    October 4, 2010 4:47 pm

    Sad fact is Charlie showed up and played like he wanted to win.
    Except the “D” didn’t, had the “D” gotten the memo things may have ended like the past three games.



  11. Sooska
    October 4, 2010 5:00 pm

    As I try to finish reading this post and laughing along I keep getting a string of the following: Warning: array_filter bla blah Warning: implode. That about covers the game.



  12. MN
    October 4, 2010 5:10 pm

    I must be in the minority, but the buff ref just creeps me out! Are you sure he hasn’t had his head transplanted on some young stud’s body? I’m waiting for his head to spin a 360!



  13. PittinDC
    October 4, 2010 5:29 pm

    The worst part of the loss, for me, was getting calls, emails, and facebook posts from all of the Ravens down here, basically taunting me with the “Over-rated-clap, clap, clap clap clap” chant. I tried to tell them that they beat our 4th string QB, but it didn’t work. They are acting like they won the freaking Super Bowl down here.

    That said, I have to agree, at the end of the game, I was yelling at my TV that we could have won this game with Benny in the game. He has high expectations to fill!



  14. Clementine
    October 4, 2010 6:30 pm

    I do not miss Ben.

    I miss those two lost FGs and the last first down that we absolutely needed and did not get and the 88 penalty yards that we handed to Baltimore (f’n Baltimore!!) Grrrr$#)*@#$)(#*$)#@(*$#)@@@@!!!!

    We’ve been known to play half-assed with Ben at the helm, too. It was just one of those games where 10% more concentrated effort would’ve made all the difference. Those are the games that make me sick.

    Great pics! What will Coach do with all those slut returns? Can they be recycled? I can only imagine what condition they’re in after Skippy’s done playing with them. Hide your eyes, Troy!



  15. jj
    October 4, 2010 7:17 pm

    omg…..i almost peed my pants! ;)



  16. Noelle
    October 4, 2010 8:26 pm

    If Jeff Reed can’t muscle through his bevy of awarded sluts in a week’s time then I have lost all respect for his stamina. You can’t take away yesterday’s news! (God, he’s vile, I just threw up in my mouth just a little bit.)



  17. unsatisfied
    October 4, 2010 8:42 pm

    that sepulveda pic — jesus, look at the unit on that guy…

    as for the D — look, they carried the offense’s collective ass for the first 2 games and did a kickass job last week. yesterday, they got 2 takeaways on successive ravens drives and the offense did shitski with them. so, don’t bust too much on them. it’s not like the ravens totally lit ’em up.

    sorry that I missed out on all the sluts at heinz field yesterday. that’s what I get for being out of town…



  18. Leenyburgh
    October 4, 2010 9:23 pm

    So true about Ben. And the slut-collector. Why not put Sepulveda in at QB? I wouldn’t blame him for anything… he can do no wrong.



  19. Pensgirl
    October 4, 2010 9:55 pm

    I officially call foul on naming Hochuli hottest grandpa ever, when it is so very clearly Dick LeBeau.

    The only thing I noticed about Hochuli was that his triceps were hanging and swinging like an old lady’s.



  20. MrsGJG
    October 4, 2010 10:07 pm

    Dude, I keep saying that even if I met James Harrison in a brightly-lit alley I would run the other way. Of course he would catch me and rip me apart just on principle, but at least I tried to escape.



  21. Nicole in Tallahassee
    October 4, 2010 10:34 pm

    My husband and I have been laughing at Ed the ref’s buffness the past few years … hubby calls him Ed Hercules.

    On a completely un-related football note (b/c I can’t bear to talk about that game), is my family the ONLY ones who noticed that the Ravens were the ONLY team in the NFL this past weekend who had on absolutely NO pink whatsoever? Check out highlights (not really highlights this week for us), but there is no pink for them … and NO ONE has talked about that on tv or blogs … wtf?!



  22. Ginny's MOM
    October 4, 2010 10:49 pm

    Nicloe, I too noticed the lack of pink on the Ravens’s. Also noticed not one person on TV mentioned it.



  23. Clementine
    October 4, 2010 11:07 pm

    The interwebs say NFL teams are wearing pink all through October… different teams on different weeks. Seems like maybe at their home games.



  24. bucdaddy
    October 4, 2010 11:28 pm

    Um … there was another team on the field, a fairly good one. That might have had something to do with the Steelers losing.

    Just sayin’.



  25. Angry Mongo
    October 5, 2010 7:47 am

    I like broccoli more than Hochuli.



  26. Nicole in Tallahassee
    October 5, 2010 9:59 am

    Yeah, I just saw on Ravens site that they are wearing pink at home this weekend. However, I did not notice any other team NOT wearing pink this past football weekend even though not every team was at home obv. It’s supposed to be a MONTH not just one week … just sayin’.

    Still doesn’t change anything about how I feel about the Ravens … lol …



  27. lisamh77
    October 5, 2010 11:02 am

    I was at the game. Thought we had it wrapped up. Until we didn’t. Ugly.

    Also- I will never be able to wipe the image of that first Ben photo from my mind. I feel dirty.



  28. Cassie
    October 5, 2010 12:05 pm

    It’s the air humping/ball kicking that is a turn on in that photo. You’re not alone.



  29. Bitter
    October 5, 2010 12:29 pm

    Might have to get another shower after looking at that picture of Ben. Funny parody of Troy’s commercial though!



  30. heather
    October 5, 2010 10:34 pm

    Ed Hochuli?! Are you freaking kidding me? I HATE that guy! As soon as I saw he was a ref in this game I knew we were going to get all kinds of penalty calls against us….and that the other team’s would most likely be overlooked. Not that they weren’t valid…it just seems like he’s out to get the Steelers. Watch for it next time!

    Anyway, love him or hate him, I’m glad Ben’s back! Hopefully the rest of the team will keep up the good work!



  31. bucdaddy
    October 6, 2010 1:05 am

    “Hochuli”

    Gesundheit.



  32. Deby
    October 6, 2010 12:01 pm

    While there’s no doubt that Charlie Batch didn’t have the game that he could have…there were at least two times when very catchable balls – in fact, in-the-hands-of-the-receivers balls – that were dropped. That’s not Batch’s fault, but it hurts his stats and it certainly besmirches the quarterback. I cannot remember, now, who the receivers were, but I do recall remarking upon these incidents when they occurred. Very sad, especially if this was, as anticipated, Batch’s last game. And, yeah, Jeff Reed – sucko. Especially when the ball BOUNCED OFF THE UPRIGHT, which is sort of like the ball giving him the finger.



  33. Brian'sMom
    October 6, 2010 4:22 pm

    If the quarterback is in the pocket and the pocket collapses (Joe Flacco), and then the quarterback throws the ball out of bounds, isn’t it still grounding? Just sayin’.