You guys, it took me so long before I wrote about the parking/pension/lease issue. I waited months before my first post because I just didn’t feel like I knew enough to write an opinion on it.
Then I posted another yesterday in which I admitted that I don’t know what’s best for Pittsburgh as it relates to this issue, but I’d feel better if at least I knew all the data had been properly examined and all avenues considered before a route was chosen. I’d feel better if City Council and Mayor Lukey came to an agreement on it.
Today, I would like to change my position on this issue.
EFF THE PARKING LEASE.
I AM WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGAINST IT.
Well, because the Post-Gazette interviewed the CEO of the company that should the lease be permitted via vote by City Council, will be the winner of the bid.
What did the CEO say that single-handedly turned me against the lease?
Brace yo’selves. They rapin’ errrybody.
Not really. I just wanted to say that once.
The headline alone made my blood heat up enough that the devil-bunny that possessed my soul in the ScareHouse rose to the surface:
Perks?! PERKS?! Parking perks are going to outweigh the fact that we might be paying ten dollars more per day to park?
What perks, I wondered? Will we get free car washes with each day parked? Will we get our oil checked, our tires rotated? Will the parking garages become like Jiffy Lube? Will we be handed a latte going in and a bag of weed going out? What perks are going to outweigh the cost increase?
Brace yo’selves. They rapin’ errybody.
Cleaner, safer, better lit garages with friendly staff and technological innovations, he said, will outweigh price concerns. He said he’ll bring his company’s customer service philosophy, called GET 100, for “greet, engage and thank 100 percent of the time.”
Are you effing kidding me? I would park inside the very gates of hell if it was affordable and convenient to Market Square. I’d kick the pigeons out of my way and throw a [pew pew wink] to Satan, no problem.
They really think regular working Burghers are going to be all, “Well, it does now cost me $20 to park, but on the plus side, the garage is so well-lit that it makes it easier for me to find the correct credit card when I’m paying! And on top of that, I can’t tell you how priceless it is for me to be told ‘thank you’ 100 percent of the time. Not 80 percent. Not 90 percent. Not even 99 percent. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME, the machine says, ‘Thank you,’ as I exit the garage. You can’t put a price on that kind of service.”
So, to be clear, the city is going to lease the garages and meters to a company whose CEO thinks that we’ll all be okay with higher rates as long as they keep the places clean, well lit, and so long as the staff has manners.
I also flag that as inappropriate. I do more than that. I reject it. I hate it. I stab it. I hack it to shreds with my bunny-devil axe before I hop away to flag more shit as inappropriate.
On top of that, the parking lease is clearly a band-aid move as it relates to the pension, and eventually, we’re going to run out of band-aids and our patient is going to bleed out and die.
Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife. They rapin’ errybody.
Now, this is a contentious issue. Please feel free to disagree with me and each other. Let’s just keep it civil. Maybe we can teach the Mayor and City Council a thing or two about manners.