When I took my driver’s license test at 16, I went in knowing that my oldest sister, Ta-Ta the Grand Poobah of Overachieverdom and Giant Breasted-dom, number 2 in her class of 500, the sister whose school books my mother once hid because Ta-Ta was spending too much time studying, which resulted in an epic meltdown by Poobah all, “MOTHER! WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?! WAH!!! I WANTED TO WORK THREE CHAPTERS AHEAD IN TRIG! WAH! IF I GET A B, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN”, that sister had failed her driver’s test three times, maybe four, before she succeeded.
If The Grand Poobah of Overachieverdom couldn’t pass on the first try, what hope did I have?
The answer is ZERO. ZERO HOPE. Do you know why?
Parallel freaking parking. You already know I can’t parallel park now in my 30s, so of course I also sucked at it in my awkward teens.
This is what the parallel parking space looked like. Those lines are guard rails. Those green squigglies are like grass and bushes n’at. Feel free to make my artwork your new desktop wallpaper.
This is how you’re supposed to do it.
So that your car looks like this when you’re done:
This is how I thought I was supposed to do it.
This is what I did.
This is how I was when the tester said, “You know what? Put it in park.”
I knew I failed. Because I was a stupid person who didn’t understand that it is impossible to actually park the car in the manner I was trying to park it.
So knowing I was probably one of the kids that the tester talked about to his wife when he got home all, “Honey. You should have seen this girl. I swear she did a 430-point turn before I finally realized what she was trying to do. Her mother must have smoked pot when she was pregnant,” I simply can’t make fun of this poor poor kid.
(Update: NOT A KID! A man in his 30s! LOL.)
A teenager who had just passed his driver’s test crashed into the Bridgeville DMV.
Collier Township police say the driver was dropping off the driver’s license examiner. The instructor had just gotten out of the vehicle when it plowed through the front door and into the DMV.
“I look over and there’s a car there and some guy’s just screaming, ‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it!’
Poor kid. Makes me want to find him and tell him he’s not the only one who has made driving mistakes.
I’ll tell him about the time I pinned my sister Tina Fey at the knees between the bumper of two of our family cars … by accident. I wasn’t even mad at her or anything.
Also, I eventually passed my drivers test and this is how close I got to the curb in parallel parking.