This is the first game of the season that I watched by myself.
My sister Pens Fan, her husband, their son, and my father were all at the game. Maybe you spotted them and their nosebleeds?
My mother was under the weather.
Princess Aurora was up in the tallest tower of her castle in Wexfordshire.
I was recovering at home from my son’s birthday sleepover party in which I had four eight-year-old boys in my house. At one time. Hopped up on sugar. And caffeine.
Not the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
So I watched this game curled up on my couch while my daughter napped and my son built the Legos he got for his birthday.
It was heaven.
Let’s talk Silverback n’ stuff.
1. A note. According to a reader whose email I lost, if you buy that shirt from BelieveMerch and try to wear it to a Steelers game, you will be asked to turn it inside out by stadium staff.
2. The big story of the game, obvs, is that The Duke of Fug and The Earl of Gross returned to the Kingdom of Quarterbackylonia from which he’d been in forced exile as decreed by King Gooddell.
In true “lost son returning home” fashion, Benny ran into the stadium first. His head held high. His troops following. In slow motion. While humming the Six Million Dollar Man running sound.
Before switching over to the theme from Chariots of Fire.
2. Meanwhile, across from the stadium, throngs of fans staged a masked protest that King Gooddell ruled that the Duke could return.
(screen grab from this video, which is hilarious)
And by “throngs’ I mean “less than two dozen people” and by “masked” I mean, “Really?! MASKS?! WTF? This is not Iran. You are not protesting war crimes or crimes against humanity or for human rights or for anything that could get you thrown into prison and then executed. You’re protesting because you feel that a man who has not been proven to have committed a crime has not been punished to your liking. God.”
See. Here’s where I get miffed. I don’t like Ben. That’s a big news flash, right? I think he’s a conceited, self-entitled, jerk who is possibly sexually aggressive. I think he made bad choices. I hold a lot of things against him. I’m not a fan. But I’m not going to go to the media and say with certainty, “He violated consent.” Because, Internet, it hasn’t yet been proven.
You can’t call him a rapist unless he’s charged with rape and found guilty. That’s what makes America great.
However, Ray Lewis is totally a murderer, n’at.
3. Equally, I’m a little grossed out with the fact that Ben has been welcomed back with such wide open arms by most of Steeler Nation. Yeah, he’s served his “time” so to speak, but I just feel like he hasn’t earned the prodigal son hugs yet. YMMV.
Not gonna lie. I kinda wanted him to choke yesterday. I wanted the Steelers to win, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t want it to be easy for the Duke. I wanted to see him struggle. I kinda smiled when he threw the interception.
I’m a puzzle. Don’t try to understand me. Your brain will break.
And stop throwing things at me.
4. And yes, Ben was welcomed back with open arms. And giant banners.
I don’t get that one. Are they telling Ben to stay focused? Us to stay focused? The Steelers to stay focused. Or are they, inexplicably, at a Steelers game to tell Hinesville, Georgia to stay focused. On Ben’s back? My brain hurts. I’m not the only one who didn’t get it.
And then there was this one.
“And God did send forth a flawed quarterback who eschewed the entire Bible, to save the nation of Steel.”
That’s in First Timothy where it gets really meta and the Bible refers to itself.
5. We interrupt this WTRT to take a look at the love child of Bowser and Steely McBeam:
That one, he got.
At least Coach truly appreciates my sense of humor.
Thank you, Coach. I’m sorry I continue to point out what a chunk you are these days.
6. Yesterday was Colt McCoy’s first NFL game.
Colt McCoy is either a cowboy name or a porn name. I can’t decide.
Colt McCoy in The Naked Dawn
Colt McCoy in The Naked Dawn
7. The defense had Colt’s number, and did their best to tear his head off. I’m pretty sure they got it completely off at one point. Good thing his team was there to help him out.
Despite the pressure, Colt actually kept his team in the game for several quarters, which doesn’t say much about our Steelers.
8. James Harrison is a beast. A terrifying beast who really will put the hurt on you if given the chance.
And he got the chance with Joshua Cribbs, who the announcers relentlessly and relentlessly and relentlessly referred to as, “The Wildcat.” Update: I’m told, by a sexist jerk in the comments, that “The Wildcat” is the name of the formation. But that doesn’t work for my next picture, so Joshua Cribbs is hereforetoeverafter known as “The Wildcat.”
In related news, here lies the Wildcat.
And Cleveland is PISSED about that hit. Read some of the comments here.
He also destroyed #11 Mohamed Massaquoi with a hit. Literally bent him over backwards.
9. Mike Wallace continues to amaze with his ability to catch the long ball. I love the way he runs. Do you notice it? He doesn’t run with his arms up and pumping; he runs with them kind of down and out.
Also, ladies, those of you who weren’t fans of the faux hawk? It’s gone.
I’d like a motivational poster that says, “IRONY: The creator of the Mullethawkenberger disliking a straight-up faux hawk.”
10. We interrupt this WTRT for some comedic relief.
11. In closing. Keep a few things in mind.
Calling Ben a rapist is no better than calling his accusers money-grubbing whores. Nothing has been proven.
Mike Wallace cut his faux hawk and went from ridiculously hot to can’t-get-my-bra-off-fast-enough hot.
Colt McCoy is a porn name.
Or a cowboy name.
Let’s go with porn name.
Benny didn’t choke.
And Silverback will indeed f#%k you up.