Too stupid to live

From the “Criminals are Criminals for a Reason — They are Stupid” file:

A Uniontown man Wednesday called police because what he believed was marijuana that he bought on the street tasted “nasty.”

He reported that he had just bought a small amount of what he thought was marijuana. The taste turned him off, so he called police to check it for him, said police Det. Donald Gmitter.

He called police to report that he purchased bad marijuana. He must have a brain the size of a neutron. He should also be the poster child for the next “Drugs Make You Stupid” ad campaign.

That’s not all:

“We’ve had people call about prostitutes who, after they give them the money, they run away,” Det. Gmitter said. “That’s happened quite a few times.”

Wow. Calling the cops because you bought bad illegal drugs or because your ho didn’t put out even though you paid her. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I mean, if people are going to call the police when McDonald’s runs out of chicken nuggets, of course they’re going to call when they buy bad drugs.

What’s next?

“Pittsburgh PD.”

“Yeah, um, I stole this hot car, right? And I’m pretty sure it’s a lemon. Total piece of shit. Who do I talk to about that?”

“We’ll be RIGHT THERE. Don’t move.”

“Oh, it’s a lemon. I ain’t goin’ nowhere even if I wanted to, knowwhaimsayin’?”

To serve and protect and smoke out the gruesomely huge dumbasses.


  1. Stacey
    October 22, 2010 2:11 pm

    My favorite part of the article was the last line “the investigation is simmering.” LOL

  2. Butcher's Dog
    October 22, 2010 3:14 pm

    Do the drugs make you stupid, or are you stupid first and then look for drugs? Ah, the philosophical questions of our time!

    Graffitti I once found on a classroom desk: Are you stoned or just stupid? I would have given the kid an A if I could have found out for sure who wrote it.

  3. Pa-pop
    October 22, 2010 3:24 pm

    This goes into the McArthur “lemon-juice-as-a-disguise” Wheeler Hall of Fame.

  4. mr. mackey
    October 22, 2010 3:27 pm

    ummm, yeah, ummm, drugs are bad, m’kay? drugs are bad….

  5. Andy
    October 22, 2010 8:12 pm

    oh Ginny, Ginny, Ginny,
    You wouldn’t believe some of the calls we get at Police Departments. If only I could share even some of them.
    Bad tasting drugs and unscrupulous prostitutes aren’t even the tip of all that, I can assure you.

  6. BeauJacques
    October 23, 2010 1:22 am

    No dumber than Pittsburghers re-electing Lukey!!!

  7. Tam
    October 24, 2010 3:40 am

    Nice use of “gruesomely huge.” I too worked it into a conversation this weekend! :-)

  8. Shibori
    October 25, 2010 10:46 am

    I’m so proud to be from Fayette County every time I watch the news. At least this guy didn’t hide his pot in his kid’s backpack and then call the school for it when he couldn’t find it. Since that happened here too.