What They’re Really Thinking: Microsoft Paint Edition

Okay, so no, I don’t really hate EVERYTHING on Earth, but that was pretty much the only way to describe how frustrated I was in the immediate aftermath of yesterday’s game.

It was just so … ugh! Frustrating! Like trying to thread a needle with mittens on. Like running through mud, and let me tell you, I have run through the mud that can only be found in the wilds of Minnesota after a hard rain and it is THAT frustrating.

If I had written this post last night, this is what it would have looked like:

But it’s a new day. I have a better perspective. All is not lost. But be forewarned. It’s late in the day. I’m tired. My sense of humor and wit is at about 20% of what it should be, so this post? Kinda sucky. Don’t tell me how sucky or I’ll put a picture of your face in Microsoft Paint and I’ll X it out with gusto.

But let’s talk football.

1. Yesterday morning, my husband asked me, “Brees or Big Ben. Who should I play in my fantasy league?”

I said Brees, just to be a snot.

So he asked our son. My son said Ben.

So he asked our daughter. She said, “NO! I BE A PWINCESS FOR HALLOWEEN!”

So he said, “I realize that. I mean who should I play, Brees or Big Ben? Just pick one.”

And she said, “NO!!!!!!!! I BE CINDERBELLA!!!!”

So he dropped that line of questioning before her head spun ’round and shrieking bats flew out of her mouth or she put his face in Microsoft Paint and X’d it out.

A few hours later, we’re sitting in church and I glance at my husband whose head is bowed, his eyes tightly closed and his hands clasped together.

“Are you sleeping?” I whispered.

“No. I’m praying.”

“For what?”

“Brees or Roethlisberger.”

[insert lecture here about how God has more important things to worry about than divinely informing my husband which quarterback is going to earn more fantasy points]

As the service came to a close, there was a bullet point in the minister’s sermon projected up onto the wall and it contained this word, capitalized: “Saints.”

I said, “There’s your answer.”

And he played Ben and we all know how THAT turned out.

2. One of the first things I noted about this game was Troysus’ play in the first quarter and a half. He was a man possessed, seemingly aiming for kneecaps, joints, and necks.

I said, “Troysus is trying to rip heads off today.”

And then Troysus did something he RARELY, if ever does — he exchanged tense words with another player, getting all up in his face, probably because that player had the audacity to lay his hands on the curls of perfection.

Now this is Troysus we’re talking about — the constant prayer, the man who heals people, visits sick kids, feeds the homeless — so it makes you wonder what he says to a person when he’s helmet to helmet with him, locked in a heated battle of words.

It must suck to be so GOOD all the time. Sometimes, you just want to bitch-slap a person. Am I right, Coach?

3. We interrupt this WTRT to check in on the Village People if the Village People went batshit crazy.

Look! The giant whistle is whistling! How meta.

4. It was nice to see Mike Wallace.

Wait, there’s more to that sentence.

It was nice to see Mike Wallace with a bit of a run through traffic, shaking off four Saints on his way to a first down.

He’s got a great body.

Wait, there’s more to that sentence.

He’s got a great body for slipping out of reach and grasp.

But the Saints shut down his ability to catch the long balls and A 50-yard Mike Wallace catch into the end zone was sorely needed somewheresabout in the fourth quarter.

And speaking of Mike Wallace and those who didn’t like his former “Hershey Kiss” hairstyle, check out Saint Remi Ayodele.

It’s like a Rorschach test.

“I see a witch’s hat with a giant black caterpillar crawling up the side.”

“I see a very hairy pointy boob.”

“An avalanche on a mountain!”

“A bush in need of pruning!”

“A bush in need of pruning!”

5. Jeff Reed missed a field goal again.

Not that it would have made a difference as we lost by 10, but still, he missed when I was sure he was going to nail it considering he was kicking indoors, so weather wasn’t a factor like it is in Heinz Field where the wind could whip a horse.

Is he even trying anymore? I’m starting to think Coach has been reneging on his slut awards or something.

6. It was in the fourth quarter when it seemed like the Steelers fortunes were changing, down by ten we intercepted the ball immediately after I said out loud, “What we need here is an interception.”

So then I said, “What we need here is for Daniel Sepulveda to text me shirtless pictures and a giant bag of money to fall through the roof.”

It was worth a shot.

Anyway, here’s Benny over the middle with a pass to the ever-reliable Heath Miller, and it’s caught, and he’s off, five yards and he’s still moving and this is the momentum shifter! The game changer! And Heath is turning and about to bump into a Saint and I said, “Hold on to it, Hea– NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And I went to Microsoft Paint and destroyed some pictures of Heath. They’re disturbing, so I won’t share them.

But seriously, Heath Miller fumbled. WTF? What is happening? Who am I? Who are you? Where’s Toto?

We must have stumbled into an alternate universe where up is down, bad is good, Troysus fights and exchanges words, Heath fumbles, and Jeff Reed doesn’t give a rat’s ass about attracting sluts:

That’s hot.

7. Randle-El got a touchdown, except he didn’t and so the Steelers got the ball at like 1st and half an inch and everyone in Pittsburgh was all, “It’s okay. We got this.”

Except we didn’t.

And all of Miami shouted, “KARMA BOOMERANG!”

7. Benny. Benny. Boo to you, Duke, and that fug, gross craptastic performance.

Now, I will give Benny credit for that thing he did where he almost succeeded in shrugging off the 280 lb. 6 foot 3 Will Smith like he was an unnecessary shawl. That was very Incredible Hulk of him.

But why does it always seem that when we’re down in points in the end of the fourth quarter and Benny is trying to lead us down the field — when it really matters, it really counts, it means something important, now or never, he throws an interception and sucks the hope right out of our hearts like a heart hope sucker?

Or does it just seem that way to me right now because of all the rage I have …  that I keep expressing in Microsoft Paint?

That bird-pooping, face-scratched, slutty one was the MILD one.

You should have seen the one that included an angry monkey and the business end of a chainsaw.

Jason Voorhees ain’t got nothin’ on my Paint skillz.





28 Comments

  1. Christina
    November 1, 2010 9:21 pm

    Am I really the 1st one who refreshed “That’s Church” in the right second? Looks like it.

    My favorite is definitely No 5 – I am laughing so hard that the tears are running down my face.

    Other than that: I hate late games. In my time zone this one ended 4.30 am. I woke up next to my blaring notebook (I could not manage to stay awake after the hearing 10th time in a row “Steelers – nothing. Saints – nothing.”) which told me via Steelers online radio the very unpleasant result.

    I sighed, switched off the machine and went back to sleep. Nothing better to do about it, right?



  2. Burghthing
    November 1, 2010 9:41 pm

    You are far kinder than I am, not one negative picture of our coach? I wanted to make one of him dressed as the rabbit from Alice with a GIANT WATCH so he can learn CLOCK MANAGEMENT.

    But maybe that’s just me.



  3. LaReina
    November 1, 2010 9:55 pm

    Randle El was SO robbed, like he was a Bolivian bank and the refs were Butch and Sundance.

    The skirt-wearing pooped-upon Ben made me laugh, though. Thanks!



  4. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    November 1, 2010 9:59 pm

    Imagine actually being at the game and not having an outlet for the rage, frustration and just total dismay when this realization hits you — the karma boomerang is going to follow this team around for the entire season and the team is going to suffer for Benny’s actions this past spring. This season is going to be one giant tease and my fear is that something awful is probably going to happen in the AFC Championship game. UGH!



  5. Clementine
    November 1, 2010 10:20 pm

    Slut-Ben made me laugh until I cried. I just know that drunken frat boy has dressed in drag at least once in his life.

    I felt so bad for Heath after that fumble… glad you didn’t paint him.



  6. Angry Mongo
    November 1, 2010 10:28 pm

    Anyone else think the big boys at Proctor & Gamble nearly shite themselves when that guy laid his hands on Troysus’ hair?



  7. Terry
    November 1, 2010 11:15 pm

    Just curiously, when talking about Ben throwing interceptions while driving down the field when it really matters . . . have we forgotten about Super Bowl XLIII already?

    And Bruce Arians needs to handle considerable amounts of blame. 1st and goal at the one-inch line and you don’t have Ben sneak it at least once? Have him sneak it four times, and if you don’t score then you don’t deserve to win anyway, but I guarantee he manages to pick up at least one yard.



  8. Carly
    November 1, 2010 11:28 pm

    “An avalanche on the mountain!”

    I’m still laughing through my tears at that one.



  9. Ms Redd
    November 2, 2010 8:02 am

    IF we had that touchdown and IF Skippy hadn’t missed that FG, that would have been 10 points, and we could have gone to OT.
    Oh well, I am chalking this one up to Halloween in VooDoo City. How many little Ben voodoo dolls do you think were being stabbed in the stands?



  10. NicoleinTallahassee
    November 2, 2010 8:16 am

    LOVE this post – definitely one of my fav editions … and I completely agree with No. 6 – Troy talking trash and Heath fumbling (what kind of parallel universe are we in?!) I also blame all of this in being voodoo city as I’m sure all the girls that have been involved with Ben (and Jeff Reed for that matter) have little voodoo dolls that they use during the games …



  11. Dan (Not On-a-ROT-toe)
    November 2, 2010 8:29 am

    Thought it was a great post Ginny…even at 20%!



  12. Carpetbagger
    November 2, 2010 9:06 am

    Does the fake Saints pope dude really have “Boys” stenciled on his hat? Or is that just what he is thinking?



  13. red pen mama
    November 2, 2010 9:19 am

    I’m voting for the parallel universe, up-is-down etc. option.

    The first half, while not exciting, offered hope that we could hold them.

    The second half, not so much.

    Highpoint of this post for me is definitely Tomlin and the sluts comment. That was funny.

    I, too, thought Ben was going to throw the ball with that player on his back. That would have been spectacular.

    And I don’t mean to get sidetracked here, but you have Power Point presentations in church? (I’m so hopelessly Catholic.)



  14. JennyMoon
    November 2, 2010 9:29 am

    Love it. Love it all. Love the shoes, love the bag.



  15. bucdaddy
    November 2, 2010 9:42 am

    Every time I start to think maybe you take this stuff waaaay too seriously (that almost-pretty girl does NOT deserve to DIE), you throw the blog equivalent of a touchdown pass with 10 seconds to play.

    Winner.



  16. Noelle
    November 2, 2010 10:03 am

    The New Orleans holeaders are called The Saintsations! (barf) and yepper, they wear the boots. But the kinda gross thing is they have Jr. Saintsations for “young ladies” 6-16.



  17. Magnus Patris
    November 2, 2010 10:16 am

    Our minister used the term “S.O.L.” this week in his sermon. Little did I know he was talking about the Steelers.



  18. lisamh77
    November 2, 2010 10:22 am

    The picture of Reed picking his feet? I was temporarily blinded by the grossness.

    Also, I think Tomlin looked less Chunky. Maybe he’s been reading…



  19. Amy L.
    November 2, 2010 10:29 am

    Maybe now that Reed has extracted the Cheeto, he has removed that which has been making his kicking so crummy.



  20. red pen mama
    November 2, 2010 11:27 am

    In the up-is-down theory, I also wanted to posit that Sean Payton played the part of Mike Tomlin: cool, calm, collected on the sidlines. Tomlin wasn’t quite a spaz, but he was a lot more excitable than usual.



  21. cmitch
    November 2, 2010 11:54 am

    I don’t understand how you can say that about #7 when he led the greatest 4th quarter drive in Steeler history just 2 years ago.

    I also believe he is already in the top 10 all time when it comes to 4th quarter comeback victories.



  22. Dan (Not On-a-ROT-toe)
    November 2, 2010 12:32 pm

    Come on…Terry and CM…that was SO 2 years ago

    Besides…Im ticked at him for my fantasy football score…



  23. DelightfulNate
    November 2, 2010 1:21 pm

    “But why does it always seem that when we’re down in points in the end of the fourth quarter and Benny is trying to lead us down the field — when it really matters, it really counts, it means something important, now or never, he throws an interception and sucks the hope right out of our hearts like a heart hope sucker?”

    I am so sorry that you’ve fallen and hit your head. I really am. I hope you feel better soon. The primary reason the Duke is thought of as a top 5 QB is his 4th quarter comeback skills! You have some solid observations, but this one sort of takes away from those solid thoughts and leads me to believe that the fall has turned your melon to mush.

    BTW, is it OK to point out female public figures who are gaining weight? For a soapbox hero, body image shots seem out character. Maybe your a little mean?



  24. LaReina
    November 2, 2010 1:30 pm

    I agree with Terry’s comments on Arians and play selection.



  25. bucdaddy
    November 2, 2010 1:48 pm

    You and your mad drawing skillz must have been in my town recently. Somebody painted a ‘stache on a billboard of Mr. Rogers’ face.



  26. Jann
    November 2, 2010 4:29 pm

    The Cheetos comment is a real winner!

    This is the Roesthlisberger I expected to see LAST week – you know, all out of sync and all…



  27. Bitter
    November 2, 2010 6:26 pm

    I, too, prayed for an interception right at that second. And probably the rest of Pittsburgh, too. Glad a little of our juju worked in the face of fifty-thousand Ben voodoo dolls.



  28. Monty
    November 2, 2010 8:18 pm

    Did you actually draw a labioplasty above #7’s head in that second to last photo?

    You’re the Andres Serrano of Pittsburgh bloggers. I feel compelled to grow an ironic moustache and throw on Harry Potter glasses and a black turtleneck.