What They’re Really Thinking: Degrees of Hate Edition

I did NOT appreciate having the cold-sweats on top of the fever-sweats.

It wasn’t enough that I was already sick, already feeling like death’s cold hands were closing around my neck, but the Steelers had to go and almost blow a 20 point lead in the fourth quarter.

To the Bungles, no less. To Chad OchoStinko and What’sHisStupidTeethyHorseFace.  No, not Shannon Sharpe. The other one. Yeah, Terrell Owens.

If my hate for the Flyers is biblical, my loathing of 85 and 81 together on the same team is inconceivable. Exponential. Gargantuan. Gruesomely, gruesomely huge. They haven’t yet invented the numbers that could describe the degrees that the fire of my repugnance blazes.

But, let’s get into the game.

1.  The game started with the gods of football shining happily on the Steelers, caressing them with charmed fate.

Fumbled opening kickoff return? Yes, please, thankyouverymuch!

Easy score?

Yes, please, thankyouverymuch!

Whambamthankyoumaam, the score  is 7-0, then 10-0, then 10-7, then 17-7, then 20-7, then 27-7? Twenty point lead? Yes, please, thankyouverymuch!

And all of Pittsburgh said, “I think we got this. Pass the mini-wienies.”

It took all of one quarter to send us from our triumphant, arms-raised, texting smack to our Cincy friends, in-your-faceness to whimpering, rocking, eye-covering balls of OMG-I-can’t-even-look fear.

That cannot happen again. My constitution can’t take no more of that topsy-turvy shit.

2. For everything that DID happen last night, one thing that was NOT happening was another Heath Miller fumble. He protected that ball like it was his newborn baby.

At least that’s how I sing it to my kids.

Speaking of singing to my kids, I’ve had a glass and a half of shiraz, so let me share this with you. The other night I went to sing my daughter her songs before she fell asleep. I started with the Barney standard “I Love You” and then when I started on “Row, row, row your boat,” she said, “No, Mommy, sing me ‘Duele el amor.'” Hand to God.

It’s SPANISH and a pop song to boot. I know three or four words of that song. So I sang, “Duele el amor. Sentir. Duele blah blah blah. Duele el amor. Somethinnnnng. Duele blah blah blah. Duele el amor. Sentir. Duele blah blah blaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

My finest performance of made up crap ever.

Also, when we go to Mexico next to visit her Abuela and Abuelo, I am going to have some ‘splainin’ to do when she’s all, “Duele blah blah blahhhhhh!”

3. “We’ve replaced their normally sucky special teams with this new and improved set. Let’s see if anyone notices.

4. What the wookie?

I’m so confused. It’s like Teen Wolf and Chewie had a stupid baby.

5. Can we talk about the beauty of this?

The beauty of the trick play that worked. The beauty of Randle-El’s throw. The beauty of Mike Wallace’s catch. The beauty you might not have noticed: Benny’s tackle. Watch for it.

YouTube Preview Image

I approve!

Have a slut for that one, Benny!

And you’re in luck. They’re already called “Ben-gals!” and they are big believers in hairography.

I said ONE, Benny. Don’t be greedy. You have to save some for Jeff.

He did make a 53-yard field goal after all.

Poor girl.

6. Jeff Reed. Lowest rated kicker percentage-wise going into yesterday’s game and he nails a 53-yarder right down the middle and I was like, “Whoa. Dude is BACK. He’s fat and he has back fat now, but he is BACK.”

Then he goes and misses a 43-yarder.

What is going on with him?! Is it just harder to kick with the extra weight, and I’m seriously asking that, not to be snarky, but as an honest question. It’s got to be harder to kick when you have extra fat on your belly, right?

Either way, he was surely pissed that he didn’t profit any sluts due to Mike Tomlin’s newly instituted “One slut forward, two sluts back” rule.

7. Mike Wallace needs to slow the hell down or Benny needs to throw harder, because boy got underthrown several times yesterday where had the ball sailed far enough, he’d have had an easy catch with defenders left eating his smokin’ hot dust.

In addition, Mike took two helmet to helmet hits in a row yesterday. Looking forward to seeing if they’re fined by King Goddell, Most High Muckety Muck of Football Ruindom.

8. Let’s talk some more about 85 and 81. On a scale of severely to shock and awe, how hard do YOU want to punch them in the donkey-omelets?

The constant whining and jawing and fighting and shouting and pleading and pouting. Beyond annoying.Worse than whining children.

9. Now, seriously. What the hell happened in the fourth quarter?! The Steelers hexed? The Bengals possessed? Something else? Something worse?

I don’t know what it was, if it was the magical fart hex or what, but I really don’t want to go back to that thing where we blow leads in the fourth quarter. We’ve been there last season. We’ve done that. I did not enjoy it.

Play four quarters and play them well.

Next week.

I can’t even stand it.

The Patriots and Justin Bieber.

I’m going to start now to come up with a list of words to describe how I feel about him.

Detest. Abominate. Loathe. Abhor.

Odious. Repulsive. Pestiferous. Smells like poo.

I’m just getting warmed up.





35 Comments

  1. ClumberKim
    November 9, 2010 10:25 pm

    “I fart in your general direction” is pure genius. I don’t believe you’re sick at all.



  2. Virginia
    November 9, 2010 11:06 pm

    Oh, I cannot take credit for that! That is a very well known line from some movie. I want to say Monty Python? I’m too sick to remember!



  3. Pa-pop
    November 9, 2010 11:18 pm

    Holy Grail, to be precise. And Coach T could have told Marvin, “Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.”



  4. Molly
    November 10, 2010 12:17 am

    solution to the jeff read problem: daniel MF sepulveda.
    sex god in human form. and ya know, he’s good at football too (:



  5. bucdaddy
    November 10, 2010 12:48 am

    2. Do what I did and fill in the parts you don’t know with swear words.



  6. gunnlino
    November 10, 2010 1:18 am

    Hey: Oso-Big-Pain-in-My-Ass, and you too Owens-too-much-Ego. Take a hint from Jerry Rice, show a little class. Oh, forgot, can’t show it if yinz ani’t got it.
    And you, millionaire football guy with the wife that stops watches, get a haircut, Jagoff.



  7. Daisy
    November 10, 2010 4:37 am

    I, too, was wondering what on earth happened to the Steelers in the 4th quarter as did everyone in my section at work. It’s really hard to pay attention to entering things correctly when the Bengals are driving down the field and you’re cringing every time they snap the ball.
    I did find it amusing that it took Ocho the entire game to get a catch – especially since 1 was reversed on a penalty and I think he dropped the other? *shrug*
    I also think Jeff can now only make FG’s when it isn’t extremely important to the game. *sigh* I’m ready to look for a new kick off/FG kicker….



  8. Christina
    November 10, 2010 6:25 am

    After the first quarter I fell asleep.
    I know – that’s bad, but to my apology:

    I am 6 hours ahead in time and it was a week day. I just collapsed. But all was good. I had really sweet dreams.

    I woke up with the online game radio still on and we were in the 4th quarter (close to sunrise btw) and was like “What the ….???? Am I still sleeping? Am I having nightmares???”
    Nope … 20 points smoked up in Whiz Khalifa’s pipe or where ever. Awesome – NOT.

    GUYS …. do not do anything like that in the game vs the Patriots, PLEASE! I placed a bet on your win. Thanks.

    No 5: ROTFLOL … poor girl indeed!!!



  9. Ms Redd
    November 10, 2010 8:58 am

    Ginny- you missed the part where Ocho was wearing his gold shoes during the first half and then changed during half time to regular ole black ones? What a pair of clowns he and his best bud #81 are- no wonder Cincy is doing so bad.
    And if I heard Jon Gruden say ONE MORE TIME that the rookies have to win the middle, I was going to throw something at the TV. Other than that and managing to survive the fourth quarter, great game.



  10. Butcher's Dog
    November 10, 2010 9:00 am

    At least No 5 was EFF instead of Down to Eff.

    Ochostinko needs to go and work the car wash for a while. But he and TO do perform one huge service every time they trot themselves out on the field. They remind me yet again of why I so adore hockey and its culture and its players’ demeanor.

    When (not if) Jeff Reed goes, can Bruce Arians please pack up with him? Maybe they can share a ride. Trying to kill the clock and running two yard plays each time doesn’t make it. Can we try the six yard pass to Heath on first down once or twice? Please?

    And speaking of Karma boomerang (which we weren’t), this’ll make twice in three weeks that we have to play someone immediately after they’ve been embarrassed by the Browns. That can’t be good on any level. Just sayin’.

    Finally, way to man up, Ginny. Sick, late, tired, kids to deal with and you still came up with a classic. Keep the Monty Python references rollin’, too.



  11. L-A
    November 10, 2010 9:16 am

    Thanks, Ginny, twas worth the wait :-)



  12. LaReina
    November 10, 2010 9:16 am

    Owens’ mime schtik in the end zone is even more laughable in a losing effort. Yer not Marcel Marceau, horseface.



  13. Lauren
    November 10, 2010 9:40 am

    Point of note for next week’s WTRT: The reason Tom Brady has his hair the way he does is because his wife doesn’t let him cut it. And while I take pride in the fact that when I say “Jump” my husband says “How high and can I get you some Reeses’?” not even I tell him to wear his hair like Justin Beiber so we can look “cute” in photographs.



  14. bluzdude
    November 10, 2010 10:06 am

    I agree w/ Ms Redd. Gruden beat that point about rookies winning the middle to death.

    Also, Holy Grail quotes, (French Taunter quotes in particular) are appropriate for all occasions.

    “No go ‘way or I shall taunt you a second time-a.”



  15. Noelle
    November 10, 2010 10:14 am

    How exciting! In the month of October the Ben-Gals had pink spats to go over their white plastic boots. Not that’s some creative thinking.



  16. bucdaddy
    November 10, 2010 10:36 am

    for bluzdude:

    Yoooooou don’t frighten us, New English pig-dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person!



  17. Jules
    November 10, 2010 10:45 am

    I LOVE this post so f’in much..that is all.



  18. Lisa
    November 10, 2010 11:15 am

    the hair, oh lord the hair, grow up Tommy.



  19. hello haha narf
    November 10, 2010 11:19 am

    hope you are feeling better soon. take care of you.
    p.s. i think i swallowed my tongue laughing at horsey wants a carrot. frikken perfection! this entire post was, actually.



  20. Leigh
    November 10, 2010 11:35 am

    re: Patriots, do not forget the most important word of all: CHEATERS!



  21. red pen mama
    November 10, 2010 12:31 pm

    Oh, well done. laughing all the way through. can’t wait to read comments.

    For the record (and yes, I had to look this up because my children LOVE this lullaby):

    Hush, little baby, don’t say a word
    Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.
    If that mockingbird don’t sing
    Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
    If that diamond ring TURNS BRASS
    Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass.
    If that looking glass gets broke
    Mama’s going buy you a billy goat.
    If that billy goat won’t pull
    Mama’s gonna buy you a cart and bull.
    If that cart and bull fall over
    Mama’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover.
    If that dog named Rover won’t bark
    Mama’s gonna buy you a horse and cart.
    If that horse and cart fall down
    You’ll still be the cutest little baby in town.

    Yeah. There’s a Carole King version out their somewhere I think. I’ve no idea why the emphasis on livestock and carts. You’re welcome.



  22. jeff
    November 10, 2010 12:53 pm

    I remember being in Pittsburgh for years, as so many Steelers fans relentlessly bragged they’d kill the Patriots in the playoffs, and every year came up short. I wasn’t around for the 1970’s, so I never really cared about the whole “we already have four rings” thing, either. Anyway, some jackass at Hemingway’s bet me $20 that Roethlisberger would beat the Pats in the playoffs (after they beat them in the regular season, but without Dillon) and if he reads these comments, I want my money.

    More importantly, I challenge any/all Steelers fans to a friendly wager. The Patriots are deserving underdogs, on the road… but I challenge anyone to a twitter/facebook status challenge. If the Steelers win I’ll post for a full day something like how much I wish the Pats were more like the model franchise blah blah blah (your choice, you can even slip in a videotape comment). If the Patriots win, you get to put something about Belichick being the greatest coach in the NFL or Brady the best QB for a day.

    Anyone got the (foot)balls? Twitter me @widewordofsport



  23. DG
    November 10, 2010 1:02 pm

    If James Harrison is going to get fined every time he touches a quarterback, this weekend would be a good time to rack up some more.



  24. Joe K.
    November 10, 2010 1:38 pm

    Let’s be thankful that Ben will never have a Bieber haircut.



  25. unsatisfied
    November 10, 2010 1:43 pm

    no wonder the patriots lost to the brownies. bieber can’t see.



  26. Butcher's Dog
    November 10, 2010 1:46 pm

    for bluzdude and bucdaddy:

    I wave my private parts at you! I burst my pimples at you! That’s verra nice, but we already got one. (in response to the request for a grail).

    And that doesn’t even begin to deal with the Knights Who Say Ni. Or the castle with all the virgins. Or the Black Knight at the bridge (None shall pass!)



  27. Eleanor's Trousers
    November 10, 2010 2:38 pm

    This game reminded me why I drink during games- so that whether the 4th goes well or poorly I can still go home and pass out and forget about it until the next day.



  28. jeff
    November 10, 2010 3:03 pm

    @JoeK I agree that Brady’s hair is an abomination, but I really don’t think it is any worse than Roethlisberger’s “I didn’t rape that women” greasy mullet he had going on this summer… how soon you forget. Plus, most men here (myself included) would probably grow our hair like that if that’s how our supermodel multimillionaire wife liked it…



  29. Beth
    November 10, 2010 4:33 pm

    I think next week’s WTRT should be the “Holy Grail” edition.
    Who’s with me?



  30. PittsburghSmith
    November 10, 2010 4:48 pm

    I agree with Beth. Holy Grail is my favorite movie! This week’s WTRT will be hard to beat, though.



  31. Butcher's Dog
    November 10, 2010 5:26 pm

    Make that three of us, Beth. The attack on Swamp Castle has to rank up there. “She’s young, she’s beautiful, she has huge…..tracts of land.”

    By way of explanation, I spent 26 of my 37 years teaching working with high school theatre kids, who are a little off center at the best of times. Holy Grail was a huge cult favorite right from the start. Also, we closed every set strike for every show with a huge group dance to “Time Warp”. I was professional enough to run the CD player instead of dancing, by the way. So with Halloween being gone (minimizing Time Warp appeal), let’s hit a Holy Grail WTRT. Or two.



  32. facie
    November 10, 2010 6:33 pm

    Is that Justin Bieber or Tom Brady? I am seriously asking. And is it weird that I don’t know a single JB song, even though my daughter is in 2nd grade?

    I was stunned that Skippy made the 50-plus yarder, so I was willing to give him a pass for missing the shorter one. Regardless, looks as if the Steelers knew what they were doing not signing him to a long-term deal.



  33. Virginia
    November 10, 2010 8:10 pm

    Wait a second. I thought I did a Holy Grail edition last year or the year before or the year before? Now I have to go find out. BRB.



  34. bucdaddy
    November 11, 2010 12:58 am

    26.Butcher’s Dog Says:
    November 10th, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side he see.

    1. What is your name?

    2. What is your quest?

    3. What is your favorite color?

    “Blue … no, greeAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE.”

    I could do this all day. from memory:

    “Yes, I can help you find the GRAAAA-OUUULLL. BUUUT only if ye be men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a beast, so foul, so cruel, than no man ‘a yet fought wi’ it and lived! Bones of full 50 men are strewn about its lair. So my sweet knights, if ye doubt your strength or your courage come nae further, for death awaits you ALL! …

    “With nasty, big pointy teeth.”



  35. Butcher's Dog
    November 11, 2010 11:39 am

    bucdaddy: I can do quite a bit from memory as well. After the rabbit’s attack: “I’ve soiled my armor!” “Some do call me…Tim.” “That’s a king.” “How do you know he’s a king?” “He hasn’t got shit all over him.” After the battle with the Black Knight, “What are you going to do, bleed on me?” If you ever get Ginny to agree to the beer-tasting at Sharp Edge, let me know. I’ll bet the two of us could get thrown out just for re-enacting Holy Grail scenes.

    Ginny, I only came on board as a reader about a year ago. I’ll be glad to look through a Holy Grail edition if you can link us to one.