What They’re Really Thinking: In my defense edition

I’m kidding.

All I know is that Tom Brady exhibited some majorly bizarre behavior last night, so bizarre that my sister Pens Fan emailed me all, “I’m pretty sure Tom Brady is tweaked out on meth.”

She wrote that after he had his screaming fit in which he stood in the center of his offensive team, shrieking his head off until the vein in his forehead was all  KABLOOEY and then ended it by screaming, “You got that?! You’re all f–king assholes, too!”

YouTube Preview Image

Seriously. That’s what he said in his rage. For all his faults, and I’m not minimizing his faults, could you ever in a billion years imagine Benny screaming that at the team? Or any Steeler player screaming at the team like that while on the field?

I said to my husband, “Did you see that?! What a jerk that guy is. I hope the Karma Boomerang makes itself a home in his butt crack and gives him a raging infection that makes all of his stupid hair fall out.” [rage issues. I have them.]

And my husband said, “Well, when you’re the leader of the team blah blah blah [insert some nonsense here about motivating a team with vicious insults].”

I’m sorry. I don’t consider screaming at your team that they’re a bunch of f–king assholes as encouragement.

But just to be sure, the next time I’m at Target and the cart boy is struggling to get all the carts into the store, I’m going to shout. “YOU’RE DOING AN AWESOME JOB! KEEP IT UP, YOUNG FELLOW. ALSO, YOU’RE A GIANT F–KING ASSHOLE!”

Or the next time I hang out at a race, and the runners are going by, I’ll scream, “YOU CAN DOOOO IIIIIT, YOU F–KING ASSHOLES!”

Or the next time I’m at my son’s flag football game and the team is down by one touchdown, I’ll scream, “LET’S DO THIS, YOU F–KING ASSHOLES!”

I’ll let you know how it goes over.

Let’s talk football and The Devil and Tom Brady.

1. This game started out bad and stayed bad in that no matter what the Steelers did, the Patriots had an answer for it.

We couldn’t frustrate them the way they frustrated us.

We couldn’t run. Our pass-defense was HIGH – wait for it – LARIOUS.

And our linebackers? I have never seen a quarterback with as much time to throw as Tom Brady had to throw the ball yesterday. Have you?

It was either their kickass O-Line or our dismal defense or a combination of both into the perfect storm of a ten-second empty pocket where Tom Brady had time to send a text to Gisele all, “Have u seen my hair? I am a beautiful man. LOL. XOXO. FINGERHEARTS.’

2. The frustrating thing for me was feeling like we were one amazing play away from a complete momentum shift. A Troysus interception returned for a touchdown. A breakout Mendenhall run for a touchdown. A punt return for a touchdown. SOMETHING FOR A TOUCHDOWN.

But it never happened.

3. We interrupt this WTRT to check in with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

The minister, apparently, is in.

4. We should talk about Benny. Benny did not play well for much of this game.

His throws were terrible, under, over, short, long.

It was too little too late to try to bring us back in the fourth quarter, especially when the Patriots had an answer for every good thing we finally did.

That said, I’d like to think that despite his horrible play, the fans tried to offer Benny some encouragement.

I see they did.

5. And where was Troysus? I am trying to recall one amazing thing or well, slightly memorable thing he did during this game and I got nothing. Not a fantastic tackle. Not a sack. Not an interception.

Do you suppose he had problems with Tom Brady’s hair?

Although that picture makes it look like Troysus sacked Tom. Did I miss that?!

In my defense, I hope Tom Brady wakes up with a painful pimple the size of Afghanistan on his ass.

What? I don’t know either.

6. Hines Ward got hurt early with a concussion, and that hurt us in the end zone I thought, because no one seems to catch those missiles to the back of the end zone, up high, toes inside the line like Hines Ward can.

It looked to me like Hines got knocked out for half a second there, right?

I might be wrong about that, but in my defense I hope Tom Brady takes a prescription-strength time-released laxative and can’t undo his belt.

7. I guess we have to talk about Jeff Reed, don’t we?

Jeff Reed, our franchise player, missed a 26-yard field goal and blamed the grass:

“I’m not one to make excuses,” Reed began. “I’ll take the credit for the miss. It was a great snap, a great hold, great protection. It’s kind of hard when you plant your foot and the hole — a piece of ground moves where the ball’s under the holder. I almost missed the ball completely.

“I’m not going to make excuses. If you’ve played any kind of sports in your life, you realize that what we play on is not very good turf. It happens.”

We interrupt this WTRT for me to explain to Jeff Reed that he just DID make an excuse.

[angry screaming]

And we’re back.

Reed’s short miss came late in the third quarter with the Steelers behind 17-3. When he next kicked, an extra point following a touchdown early in the fourth quarter, fans in Heinz Field let out a loud, seemingly mock cheer.

Did he notice that reaction from the fans?

“I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but it doesn’t surprise me. If you’re not perfect in this city, man, then you’re going to hear about it. It’s been like that for nine years, and why would they stop now?

“Like I said there’s 95 percent of those fans that got my back totally and then 5 percent you always hear. They’re right by the kicking net, they were bashing me, but that’s life, man, you got to move on.

“They started before the game even started. You know, like I said, they buy tickets just to bash me and Dan [Sepulveda] and Greg [Warren]. It’s more me because points come off my foot.”

We once again interrupt this WTRT, this time for me to explain to Jeff Reed that 95% of the fans in the stands and at home let out the mock cheer when he hit the extra point, and to explain to him that he has the lowest percentage again, and to explain to him that NO ONE IS BASHING DANIEL SEPULVEDA AND IF THEY ARE I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT THEM DOWN AND RIP THEIR THROATS OUT.

[angry screaming] [kick] “AND YOU’RE A F–CKING ASSHOLE, TOO!”

I’m so encouraging.

Also, I STILL don’t know what a franchise player is, but in my defense I hope Tom Brady gets a corn husk stuck in his throat for a week.

There could be lots of reasons why Jeff Reed is so terrible this year as opposed to previous years. Perhaps he’s too busy working on his career as an impressionist:

That’s right. ESPN is reporting that the Steelers are considering cutting Jeff.

WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT OUR WEEKLY JOKES ABOUT SLUTS?!

Let’s ask Benny.

I suppose, but it won’t be the same.

8. Speaking of coaches, I’m pretty sure Bill Belichick, if he’s not the devil, is actually Emperor Palpatine.

I wanted to put a picture of something hilarious here that Belichick could be Jedi-ing, but I gave up, because I’m sick of talking about this game.

But in my defense, I hope Tom Brady grows breasts with giant hairy nipples.





65 Comments


  1. jeff
    November 15, 2010 9:39 pm

    Ah the post I waited all day for… and it says “No Comments” and I’ll keep it that way and let the scoreboard do the commenting.



  2. Virginia
    November 15, 2010 9:41 pm

    Dude. You just commented.



  3. Monty
    November 15, 2010 9:53 pm

    Ahh. 2 Responses. I think I’ll just keep it that way and not comment and instead let the previous comments do the commenting. Jeff, care to comment with a non-comment to my comment or either of the two preceding comments in which someone made a comment?



  4. Virginia
    November 15, 2010 9:54 pm

    LOL. Monty wins.



  5. Betoon
    November 15, 2010 9:58 pm

    I forgot all about Emperor Palpatine…but I feel safer knowing where he is and that he’s leaving town. Maybe Jeff Reed will go with him. Jazz hands, jazz hands.



  6. jeff
    November 15, 2010 10:01 pm

    See part of me feels so out of place and unwelcome, because obviously no one wants a Patriots fan commenting here, no matter how many times I brush off the personal insults that anonymity engenders. The other part of me just can’t stand the Steelers and their delusional fans. (whereas NE fans are much more fatalistic, at least the real ones). What should I do? Should I just stop commenting here? Should I find a bunch of New England fans to talk to instead? Should I realize no one here can consider differing viewpoints and instead prefer a black and gold circle jerk?

    However as I believe the original (and intentional) irony of the first comment was lost, I should just let Tom Brady do my commenting from now on.



  7. Ms Redd
    November 15, 2010 10:07 pm

    Outstanding as usual, Ginny. And when Skippy leaves town- what will happen to all his sluts? Move on with him?



  8. Scoreboard
    November 15, 2010 10:12 pm

    Jeff — I thought we agreed you would leave the commenting to me. This is getting awkward.



  9. Tom Brady
    November 15, 2010 10:15 pm

    Scoreboard, you can back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. Jeff said I could do the commenting.



  10. LAC
    November 15, 2010 10:25 pm

    You write what I think, only much better and in a much entertaining fashion! And with surprisingly fewer curse words!



  11. hello haha narf
    November 15, 2010 10:49 pm

    I can’t stop laughing over the comments from the scoreboard and Tom Brady. Thanks for making me forget for a few moments how sad it is that we lost last night.
    XO



  12. Chris
    November 15, 2010 10:57 pm

    @ Jeff.

    Yes.
    Yes.
    Yes.



  13. Fester
    November 15, 2010 10:57 pm

    @ Jeff

    Delusional? About what? Last time I checked, the Steelers have six rings, not to mention two since the last time the Patriots won one. Also not to mention that the Patriots haven’t won one since they stopped cheating.

    And please spare me the ‘everybody cheated’ comment. Thanks.



  14. facie
    November 15, 2010 11:03 pm

    Why are Steelers fans delusional? They may expect too much and are a bit pessimistic, but I just don’t get delusional. Now Jeff Reed may be a bit delusional if he thinks anyone is spending money just to boo him.

    Tom Brady. Grrr.



  15. Pa-pop
    November 15, 2010 11:18 pm

    Brady’s outburst to his teammates works really well for me if I play the alien creature from “Mars Attacks!” in my head. “Ack ack ack ack ack! Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack ack ack ack ack ack! ACK!”



  16. HorseShoeBend
    November 15, 2010 11:28 pm

    I’d like to make a comment.



  17. bucdaddy
    November 15, 2010 11:38 pm

    4. “f__cking”

    Flocking?

    Fracking?

    Fpucking?



  18. empirechick
    November 16, 2010 1:17 am

    Virginia spoke too soon… Scoreboard and Tom Brady FTW!



  19. Angry Mongo
    November 16, 2010 8:36 am

    I can’t help but look at Bieberady and think.

    “It’s Sam Winchester”

    Yeah, but he’s still a gruesomely huge f-king asshole.

    If Reed goes, inanimate objects everywhere will sigh in relief. Sheetz will be safe once again.



  20. Butcher's Dog
    November 16, 2010 8:48 am

    If Jeff is unsure what course to take, I’m guessing BeauJacques can give him some suggestions. Kinda surprised it hasn’t happened already.

    When (not if) Jeff Reed goes, it’ll greatly increase the chances of Steeler kickoffs going into the end zone with greater regularity than the appearance of a blue moon.

    Finally, giant hairy nipples?! Thanks, Ginny! Now I have to try to find my Happy Place the rest of the day to keep from being traumatized.



  21. jeff
    November 16, 2010 9:01 am

    @facie,I think a lot of people here assume I’m the new breed of “whoo Pats/Red Sox we win you all suck fan”, while in reality I’m just clinging to as many wins before the inevitable next 86 years of losing. I’ve found that on the other hand, Steelers fans are optimistic to the point of just being obnoxious, and delusional about 2001 (we were the better team we just lost – Hines Ward) Just saying “your team sucks there’s no way the Steelers can lose” and “we are better we just keep losing” every time the Pats win in Heinz Field doesn’t make much sense to me.

    On a productive note for the thread…. the Steelers kicking/running/pass rush games always take a big hit when field conditions REALLY deteriorate after the WPIAL playoffs… always bet the under on early Dec home games. Would worry me for Jeff Reed’s job security, he could be kicking for New England by the playoffs.

    @ButchersDog BeauJacques has (and will again) already chimed in… I try not to take the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouth malcontent too seriously.



  22. jeff
    November 16, 2010 9:05 am

    Wow I spelled my twitter wrong… and have been for weeks. Apparently all the comments about idiot Pats fans had some truth!



  23. LaReina
    November 16, 2010 9:16 am

    So Skippy thinks anyone would spend a small fortune for a game ticket just to bash a player or three, huh? Skippy’s problem isn’t the turf, it’s that his head is too far up his ample buttocks to be able to see the perfectly-snapped (thanks, Gregg) and perfectly-held ball (thanks, Dan) in order to kick it through the freakin’ goalposts.



  24. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 9:37 am

    @Jeff-

    Sorry to keep you waiting for my laser-accurate reply to your ongoing oozing pustule of NE-love.

    I lived in Vermont/NH from the late 80’s thru the 90’s and the
    truth is you could NOT find a Patriots fan, see a Pats hat or jersey ANYWHERE including Commonwealth Ave in downtown Bean town until 1995 so take your bullshit and attempt to sell it elsewhere!

    Every single person was a fan of some other team, usually Giants.

    Off is the general direction I prefer you to fuck.

    Go stroke some fair-weather Pats fans balls instead of stinking up this room!

    Net anonymity? I don’t see your full name, address, email!

    Ya hypocrite beantown ratbastard ya!



  25. YinzerInExile
    November 16, 2010 9:37 am

    I think Skippy got his 95% vs 5% backwards . . .

    Thank you for the vitriol, Ginny! I tried to explain this to my mother, and also my bf (a Pats fan. Kill me.) . While my disdain for the Ravens is intense, it is generally very sportswomanly. For the Pats, notsomuch. Brady stands back there in the pocket like a giant metrosexual flamingo and I just want someone to snap. his. knees. He makes me a bad person. Which just makes me hate him more.

    And it’s compounded by the fact that he’s an epic douche. I mean, he has *everything* every hetero sports-loving male on earth could ever want, and he can’t even be human?

    As I said to aforementioned Pats-loving bf yesterday: I would take 20 allegedly rapey Bens over one megatwat Brady any day of the week. Irrational? Possibly. Don’t care.

    Also, @jeff: I’m sorry our historic success and attendant expectations annoy you and the historic suck of your sports teams. That’s sad. But not really.



  26. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 9:49 am

    This is the picture of pro athletes!! Really!

    I don’t care who you are, this is funny! :-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgDaVLCaBzQ



  27. Matthew
    November 16, 2010 10:02 am

    On Facebook I dedicated Cee Lo Green’s song to Tom Brady and the Patriots. And it makes me feel just a little better every time I listen to it.



  28. jeff
    November 16, 2010 10:13 am

    @BeauJacques I’ve posted my name and contact information multiple times on this site, so please don’t call me a hypocrite when you have no idea what you are talking about. If you’d like to email me with YOUR full name you fucking pansy, jeffdotbennett@gmail.com

    As for what you say about New England until 1995, I myself wasn’t a Pats fan until 1994, so I can’t really comment a whole lot on that. And there are a lot more Pats fans after the Superbowls too… it kinda sucks, to be honest…

    @Yinzer It’s not the historic success, it was the inability to acknowledge a better team from 2001-2005. I guess I just don’t understand the Brady hatred. To me he’s harmless, a little too Hollywood recently, but still a lot better than Joe Namath, a Pittsburgh(area) guy. He still works hard, and is a well-liked teammate… all the hatred just seems manufactured. I mean how can you not like when he stands up and says “hey the Browns whipped us they deserve to celebrate, lets go practice better and try again next week”… he’s a good leader, to me.



  29. Angry Mongo
    November 16, 2010 10:17 am

    Why must Mom and Dad fight all the time?

    Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

    Putting your contact info on a public site that automatically does not share it to begin with was a great move. Guess who’s getting signed up for the lubricant of the month club?



  30. jeff
    November 16, 2010 10:20 am

    Virginia, please delete the post with my contact information, and if BeauJacques would like to continue this as a personal conversation he can twitter message me.



  31. AJM
    November 16, 2010 10:25 am

    @YinzerInExile– thank you for making my day with “giant metrosexual flamingo.”



  32. Scoreboard
    November 16, 2010 10:28 am

    Jesus, Jeff. You’re like the Lolita of people who offer inanimate objects the right to comment on their behalf.

    In closing — Home, Guest, Timeouts Left, Down.



  33. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 10:30 am

    @jeff-

    That’s what I’m telling you- there WERE no Pats fans in NE, not even Boston, until 1997 really, then, all of a sudden, from Maine to RI….what a bunch of cheezy phoneys!

    How DARE YOU compare win-whores like that to us who bleed Black and Gold and have since BEFORE Chuck Knoll was coach??

    Feel free to write me-

    bradygivesbelechek_reach_arounds@gmail.com

    also,



  34. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 10:31 am

    ps-@jeff-

    Heard from that bi-curious site yet??



  35. jeff
    November 16, 2010 10:33 am

    @BeauJacques I wasnt even talking about Pats fans, I’m talking about my experiences in Pittsburgh. And you know what, fuck it. I’ve tried to have intelligent conversations, tried to bring up interesting and objective points, and this whole site is basically a black and gold circle jerk, and I have yet to find a single person willing to consider the fact that there are certain redeemable qualities about the team that all fans chould appreciate. You’ve all completely driven me away, congratulations… don’t even bother replying to the post, I’m not going to check for more inanity. It’s like Pittsburgh became xenophobe haven, where all opposing viewpoints are ridiculed and mocked. No wonder the city is going to shit, all the young people leaving, migration of 25-40 year olds to the city has slowed to almost nothing and your increasingly taxed and increasingly older population is running out means to support the city. Enjoy being Cincinatti, assholes.



  36. Scoreboard
    November 16, 2010 10:38 am

    I’m outta here also, you rat bastards. And one more thing — Yards to Go.



  37. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 10:39 am

    @jeff-
    At least we’ll give Cleveland fans the credit they DO deserve that they’ve at least been loyal to their pack of losers!

    BTW, you’ve heard of Cleveland?? HAHAHA



  38. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 10:41 am

    @Jeff-
    No need to leave mad. :-)



  39. JennyMoon
    November 16, 2010 10:54 am

    Did anyone else notice the camera man’s obsession with Brady and how the announcers constantly talked about how great NE and Tom Brady are and every highlight that was shown when going out and coming in from commercial was of NE? It was truly disgusting. We had the 4th quarter on mute and my husband was shooting the finger to the tv every time they showed Brady which was A LOT. His finger was tired.



  40. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 10:54 am

    noun
    Definition of FAN

    1
    : an enthusiastic devotee (as of a sport or a performing art) usually as a spectator
    2
    : an ardent admirer or enthusiast (as of a celebrity or a pursuit)
    Origin of FAN

    probably short for fanatic

    First Known Use: 1682
    Britannica.com



  41. YinzerInExile
    November 16, 2010 10:59 am

    @Jeff — with all due deference to BJ (heeee!) I think Motley Crue said it best: girl, don’t go away mad. Just go away.

    Furthermore (although I *know* you’re not back [again] reading this I’ll post it just in case), we are under no obligation to deal reasonably with non-homerism. It’s a blog about Pittsburgh; is it really all *that* shocking that the preponderance of comments are not comprised of intellectual discourse on the finer points of places which are not here? Does it mean we don’t think places which are not here don’t have finer points? I doubt it. Rather, I think it’s indicative of a refusal to humor patronizing asshole homers from places which are not here, who come on like gangbusters decrying our own homerism simply because it is not theirs.

    And yes. Pittsburgh is *such* a devolving slum. That’s why it gets all the accolades it does.Because it sucks. What was that about an inability to acknowledge finer points . . . ?



  42. Angry Mongo
    November 16, 2010 11:04 am

    It’s a blog about Pittsburgh; is it really all *that* shocking that the preponderance of comments are not comprised of intellectual discourse on the finer points of places which are not here? Does it mean we don’t think places which are not here don’t have finer points? I doubt it. Rather, I think it’s indicative of a refusal to humor patronizing asshole homers from places which are not here, who come on like gangbusters decrying our own homerism simply because it is not theirs.

    In other words… Picking fights on the Internet is stupid and you need to chillax.



  43. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 11:11 am

    @jeff-

    Definition of FANATIC:

    : marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion
    — fanatic noun

    Variants of FANATIC

    fa·nat·ic or fa·nat·i·cal
    Examples of FANATIC

    <because of her fanatical views, her friends know better than to discuss religion with her>
    Origin of FANATIC

    Latin fanaticus inspired by a deity, frenzied, from fanum temple — more at feast
    First Known Use: 1550
    Related to FANATIC

    Synonyms: extremist, extreme, rabid, radical, revolutionary, revolutionist, ultra



  44. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 11:34 am

    @jeff-

    jeff wrote- …and this whole site is basically a black and gold circle jerk,….

    Nuthin’ gets past you! :-)



  45. Jen M
    November 16, 2010 11:36 am

    I have never waited with such baited anticipation for a post. Well played, my friend, well played.



  46. EpicFailDad
    November 16, 2010 11:56 am

    My son has a Tom Brady Fathead on his bedroom wall, and was depressed when he came home from school yesterday because “I forgot to brag.”



  47. Betoon
    November 16, 2010 12:11 pm

    Okay I have to get back to the hair – Mr. Brady’s that is. I am wondering if it is a biblical thing – you know Samson and Delilah, and if he gets it cut off (his hair that is) then he will lose all of his powers/strength/product endorsements? Something to think about…



  48. Fester
    November 16, 2010 12:22 pm

    @ Jeff

    The Steelers were a better team in 2001 (punt return after a stupid penalty, blocked FG kick TD). The Patriots may have been better in 2004. Remember, they were cheating so it is hard to say.

    In general, the Steelers do not match up well against Brady. The Steelers play one style of defense – they are looking to stop the run and hit the QB. The Patriots ignore the run and Brady releases the ball before the LBs get to him. The Steelers have more success against Manning because Manning wants to make plays downfield where Brady will quickly take the dink pass if his first option isn’t there.



  49. Butcher's Dog
    November 16, 2010 12:26 pm

    Well, this thread is deflecting attention from Jeff Reed’s (many) inadequacies, at least for the moment.



  50. Angry Mongo
    November 16, 2010 12:29 pm

    Probably because jeff = Jeff Reed

    All part of his plan, Muwahahahah.