Oh my gosh.
I cannot believe it really happened.
It didn’t happen after he kicked the empty Sheetz paper towel dispenser.
It didn’t happen after he became an internet superstar for pictures of his manscaping (NSFW) or his tiara or his drunken escapades in Pittsburgh nightclubs where he clearly had a thing for trashy blondes.
It didn’t happen after he put his dukes up to the police in defense of a publicly urinating Matt Spaeth.
It didn’t happen after that game last fall when he missed three field goals.
No, the Steelers waited until the suck was too evident, the gut too ample, the thighs too thunderous and the beard too lush.
Hasta luego, Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Jeff Reed, cut from the Steelers today.
May the goal posts always be wide, the turf solid, the paper towel dispensers full.
May the kicks be strong, the ball path be true, the sluts be slutty.
May your beard always be luxuriant and your private parts trimmed.
May your friends always find a restroom in time.
May your new team have cheerleaders.
May the beer flow, the shots double, and the sluts put out.
Fare thee well, godspeed, and don’t let the door hit you in the misdemeanors on the way out.