… and pursuant to section 42, the immediate return of all sluts …

Oh my gosh.

I cannot believe it really happened.

It didn’t happen after he kicked the empty Sheetz paper towel dispenser.

It didn’t happen after he became an internet superstar for pictures of his manscaping (NSFW) or his tiara or his drunken escapades in Pittsburgh nightclubs where he clearly had a thing for trashy blondes.

It didn’t happen after he put his dukes up to the police in defense of a publicly urinating Matt Spaeth.

It didn’t happen after that game last fall when he missed three field goals.

No, the Steelers waited until the suck was too evident, the gut too ample, the thighs too thunderous and the beard too lush.

Hasta luego, Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Jeff Reed, cut from the Steelers today.

May the goal posts always be wide, the turf solid, the paper towel dispensers full.

May the kicks be strong, the ball path be true, the sluts be slutty.

May your beard always be luxuriant and your private parts trimmed.

May your friends always find a restroom in time.

May your new team have cheerleaders.

May the beer flow, the shots double, and the sluts put out.

Fare thee well, godspeed, and don’t let the door hit you in the misdemeanors on the way out.





33 Comments

  1. Lizzy
    November 16, 2010 2:20 pm

    Have you seen the new kicker Shaun Suisham?! HOTTT – Gives Sepulveda a run for his money. Glad the Steelers have given us one more thing to look at :-)



  2. facie
    November 16, 2010 2:20 pm

    Oh, we got trouble. Right here in Steeler city. I don’t know anything about this Suisham guy. Not sure he is the answer, but I bet this guy keeps his pants on, his hands in his pockets, and his mouth shut.



  3. spoon
    November 16, 2010 2:20 pm

    #jeffreedsnextjob may be the greatest hash tag on twitter



  4. BeauJacques
    November 16, 2010 2:25 pm

    Stop gloating.



  5. mfj
    November 16, 2010 2:26 pm

    I feel sorry for the new guy. Not that he has a lot to live up to, just, my God, what must be at the bottom of that locker.



  6. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    November 16, 2010 2:36 pm

    Thank you Lord!!!!



  7. red pen mama
    November 16, 2010 2:51 pm

    I think this is short, sweet, and to the point. Whereas Jeff was only one of those.

    Oh, and funny, too. (Ginny, not Jeff.)



  8. Sooska
    November 16, 2010 2:57 pm

    New guy has a big Cute Factor. Let us hope he can
    Kick at Heinz.



  9. CrashJK
    November 16, 2010 2:59 pm

    meh….Let’s see the Steelers put Tomlin in the hot seat, he’s the joke and continues to get passes by the Pgh media…oh well….

    LET’S GO PENS !….and no more soff goals with d-men falling down all over the ice, eh ?



  10. Beth
    November 16, 2010 3:01 pm

    Best.birthday.ever! I gave him a pass on the missed field goals until he opened his mouth. When you make $2 million a year you relinquish the right to be a cry baby.



  11. PittinDC
    November 16, 2010 3:05 pm

    Suisham played for the Redskins. I asked my Redskins fan (well, maybe not after last night) husband if he was any good. Apparently he was great one year and kind of sucked the next year, so they cut him. Hopefully we’ll get the good year out of him! He must have something to prove after watching the past 10 weeks from his couch!



  12. unsatisfied
    November 16, 2010 3:11 pm

    Jeff “Skippy” Reed

    Field Goals Made 204
    Field Goals Attempted 249
    Field Goal % 81.9%
    Paper Towel Dispensers Trashed 1

    Shaun Suisham

    Field Goals Made 85
    Field Goals Attempted 107
    Field Goal % 79.4%
    Paper Towel Dispensers Trashed 0

    I’m not enthused……



  13. LH
    November 16, 2010 3:25 pm

    I was scrolling down my iPhone and that link to that pic opened up… I need a pencil to jab my eyes out now! Ahhh! The only thing I am sad about is that the Steelers are slowly getting rid of all your material! I will miss your posts about him!



  14. Bram R
    November 16, 2010 3:28 pm

    Gotta believe the speed of this had something to do with complaining on-air about the turf at Hines Field. That’s called blaming your co-workers if not your boss if the LORD. As soon as I heard that interview (pretty much right after the game) I was like “Erp, this could be bad”.



  15. Angry Mongo
    November 16, 2010 3:31 pm

    cue Adam Sandler! The Lonesome Kiiickerrrr!



  16. Eleanor's Trousers
    November 16, 2010 3:53 pm

    I will miss our neighborhood bar’s “Put down your beer and Kick, Jeff!” cheer….



  17. NAM
    November 16, 2010 3:59 pm

    Seriously, can’t wait for your post about the new guy. Another self-united husband, perhaps?? This one is definitely NOT a treasure troll.



  18. bluzdude
    November 16, 2010 4:02 pm

    Now what are you going to do for punchlines?

    OK, there’s always The Duke…



  19. JenEngland
    November 16, 2010 4:44 pm

    Oh this is weird…I actually feel sad for Jeff Reed. I think I’m just overly sensitive right now, but Skippy was skeevy but one hell of a kicker in his day. His very sudden and very drastic fall from grace is unfortunate and a little sad.



  20. LaReina
    November 16, 2010 5:02 pm

    Our new kicker may be no better on-field than Skippy, but he almost can’t help but be better off-field (and that includes in the locker room with microphones stuck in his face). Jeff whined just one time too many. Adios, Skip.



  21. Julia
    November 16, 2010 5:10 pm

    I kind of feel bad for Jeff Reed. Part of me thinks that maybe he was trying to free himself up knowing that, going into the season, they didn’t resign him or extend his contract. Then part of me thinks that maybe he’s just done, that he had his glory days and is no longer in the kind of shape he used to be in. It’s sad to lose a player that at one time had such a positive impact on the scores of our games, but it seems like the Steelers organization have really cracked down on players’ indiscretions this year. Someone said it on here already, and I think it may be time to start holding Tomlin accountable for the team’s performance when everything’s said and done.



  22. SJG
    November 16, 2010 5:20 pm

    Someone on another board made the point that when kickers go bad, they go bad FAST, and it’s best to unload them as soon as possible. I’m not sure how much of it is due to Skippy’s partying ways, but the fact is this is a position that for the most part doesn’t make old bones.



  23. steve in denver
    November 16, 2010 6:04 pm

    Gary Anderson is in the best shape of his life.

    How drunk is Jeff Reed right now?



  24. Clementine
    November 16, 2010 8:58 pm

    Let’s not feel too bad for Skippy; he has two Super Bowl rings to keep him warm at night (cause sluts like to cuddle up to them.)

    And, as he seems to feel the problem is either a) the turf at Heinz field b) the fans at Heinz field or c) lack of respect from the Steelers organization, I’m sure he will be happier elsewhere.

    He did play well for us over the years, and I wish him the best of luck.



  25. Pa-pop
    November 16, 2010 10:27 pm

    Jeff Reed – undone from 27 yards out by that old Irish blessing: “May the [turf] rise up to meet you.”



  26. Maybe What Time?
    November 16, 2010 11:13 pm

    Pa-pop FTW!!



  27. oddmanout
    November 17, 2010 2:48 am

    Can he take William Gay with him?



  28. Daisy
    November 17, 2010 4:39 am

    Yes, in years past Jeff was a great kicker. This year he sucks. I don’t care what his career percentage vs Shaun’s career percentage is – what matters now is this season. Skippy was the worst kicker in the NFL (percentage-wise). Sentiment is not a good reason to hold onto a player. Give someone else a chance. He had a good run (9 years!) and if goes elsewhere I wish him well (unless he’s playing against the Steelers – then I’m all for more misses), but his time here was done.

    But I will miss the jokes…and the pictures with captions….



  29. LaReina
    November 17, 2010 8:33 am

    Good idea, oddmanout.



  30. USCMike
    November 17, 2010 11:37 am

    The heck with taking Gay with him, he needs to take Arians and his dull offense with him…

    The Rooneys wanted more running and we got it, right up the middle into the pile of humanity. All you had to do was watch Sunday night’s game and see how Belicheat’s offense works. Like night and day compared to ours…we’re going nowhere until our offense gets more creative and runs wide, uses pitch plays and throws to the tight ends as a routine instead of an afterthought. Look at how the Pats use Welker, the Ravens use Heap and the Cryboys throw to Witten. Come on Bruce, watch some video of other teams, will ya?



  31. bucdaddy
    November 17, 2010 12:06 pm

    Cut in midseason? Sheesh, sure seems like they were in a huge hurry to give the bum’s rush to a guy who helped win a couple Super Bowls.

    Of course, the guy’s a bum, so there’s that.



  32. Angry Mongo
    November 17, 2010 12:37 pm

    I’m not shocked that they got rid of him, but I’m shocked that they did it, now. Frankly, he should have been let go after the end of last season. He started spiraling last year with missed field goals, missed tackles andthe trouble with the law.

    Everyone will say, “He’s not supposed to be repsonsible for tackling during kick off returns.” But, if would have buried it in the end zone, he wouldn’t have had to worry about it. And he would just whiff on the ones he attempted to try and tackle. Sorry, but he wasn’t 100% last year.

    At least if the Rooneys would have let him go during the off season they could have had more options than just Suisham. Yeah, he might be decent but he’s been cut so much he’s practically emo.