I had the great good fortune to watch yesterday’s game with a Raiders fan. A lifelong Raiders fan. My brother-in-law, the Raiders fan.
Would you like to know what that’s like? Let me show you.
Me: He deserved the ejection. What a jerk.
Him: Yeah, well your quarterback is a rapist.
Me: What a bullshit call! He barely touched him!
Him: Yeah, well, your quarterback is a rapist.
My sister: Your coach is a wife beater.
Him: Yeah, well at least our quarterback isn’t a rapist.
Me: Poor Harrison. He’s not going to know how to tackle anymore.
Him: Yeah, well, he lets his dog bite his baby, he beats his woman, and also, your quarterback is a rapist.
Me and my sister: TOUCHDOWN! WOOOOOOO!
Him: YOUR QUARTERBACK IS A RAPIST!!!
Me: Pass me my beer please.
Him: Here you go. Let me also take this opportunity to remind you that your quarterback is a rapist.
Seriously. Not even exaggerating.
Also, yesterday my son needed a new Steelers jersey to wear to the game because he had outgrown his Bettis one. Guess which one he picked. Guess.
WE’RE NOT GOING TO DISCUSS IT.
Let’s talk football.
1. I think there were a lot of us that went into yesterday’s game worried that the Steelers would find a way to lose to the Raiders because they’d done it the last two meetings. Whew.
2. We can’t really talk much about the game without first talking about the penalties.
THE HISTORIC RACKING UP OF THE PENALTY YARDS!
One hundred and sixty three yards of penalties. More than one and a half football fields worth of penalties.
It was ridiculous and I believe a direct result of overzealous officiating by one Tony Corrente and crew.
It’s like they were dreaming up penalties as the game went on. Just pulling them out of their black and white striped butts.
3. Mike Wallace’s three catches yesterday were combined for 116 yards, one of those a touchdown after he caught a short ball and simply outran everyone on the field. I saw AGAIN several times yesterday that he had to slow down or pull up a bit because he was outrunning Benny’s hardest thrown balls.
I would not want to get into a foot race with Mike Wallace because he’d be at the finish line gloating to the cheetah and I’d be two feet from the starting line wondering where they teleported to.
I also loved his celebratory ball-spinning thing he did. So much better than the dumb endzone dancing other players (I’m looking at you, T.O.) do.
4. Poor James Harrison. Getting called for the most ridiculous shit ever, so much so to the point that my brother-in-law, the Raiders fan, agreed the calls against James were quite bullshitty.
5. Shaun Suisham, pronounced SWEEZ-um not SWISH-AM, didn’t have to kick any field goals, but he did nail every extra point and since he’s hot, let’s pretend like that is meaningful and indicative of his ability to split the uprights from 45 yards out.
Also, I find Daniel’s new beard to be winterific and mmmrowrtastic.
6. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross was stellar. STELLAR, but that still doesn’t make it okay that my kid picked his jersey. I blame myself for not talking to my son about what Benny did to deserve a suspension. I blame my husband for letting my son buy it. I blame Tom Brady because I can.
The Duke’s throwing was on target and it was so refreshing to see him running so much, particularly his Chewbacca/dinosaur thundering run to the end zone for a hard-fought diving touchdown.
7. On top of several really great tackles, it was so good to see Troysus with an interception as he was largely absent last week against the Patriots, that I recall.
8. The defense and James Farrior in particular were fantastic given that they were operating in an environment where the yellow flags were being thrown like confetti at a parade for the inventor of confetti.
9. We must of course talk about the SLAP HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD.
If you’re a Steelers fan, most of you watched that and were aghast and incredulous and up in arms and clutching your pearls and calling all of Oakland and its fans “thugs.”
If you’re a Raiders fan, like my brother-in-law, you said something that included the word “rapist” or “bathroom” or “Georgia” and then watched that clip fourteen times, howling with laughter just a bit more shrill each time.
I’m not going to lie. I chuckled a bit during the tenth watching of it. In my defense, Benny fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Like a bag of bowling balls.
Like a turkey dropped from a WKRP helicopter.
Despite all those penalties, we still won by 32 points, which means WITHOUT the penalties we would have won by an historical margin. Like 3 to some number to the power of something.
But then the refs would probably have fined the whole team for “excessive awesomeness.”
The important thing: We beat the Raiders. We’re 7-3. We’re up against Buffalo next, who are 2-8.
I expect decimation. I expect a field goal or two from Suisham. I expect Jeff Reed will be signed to a new team. I expect James Harrison to begin trying to knock down quarterbacks using only bad breath or The Force, because this shizz is getting ridic.