What They’re Really Thinking: Slapsgiving Edition

I had the great good fortune to watch yesterday’s game with a Raiders fan.  A lifelong Raiders fan. My brother-in-law, the Raiders fan.

Would you like to know what that’s like? Let me show you.

Me: He deserved the ejection. What a jerk.

Him: Yeah, well your quarterback is a rapist.

Me: What a bullshit call! He barely touched him!

Him: Yeah, well, your quarterback is a rapist.

My sister: Your coach is a wife beater.

Him: Yeah, well at least our quarterback isn’t a rapist.

Me: Poor Harrison. He’s not going to know how to tackle anymore.

Him: Yeah, well, he lets his dog bite his baby, he beats his woman, and also, your quarterback is a rapist.

Me and my sister: TOUCHDOWN! WOOOOOOO!

Him: YOUR QUARTERBACK IS A RAPIST!!!

Me: Pass me my beer please.

Him: Here you go. Let me also take this opportunity to remind you that your quarterback is a rapist.

Seriously. Not even exaggerating.

Also, yesterday my son needed a new Steelers jersey to wear to the game because he had outgrown his Bettis one. Guess which one he picked. Guess.

WE’RE NOT GOING TO DISCUSS IT.

Let’s talk football.

1. I think there were a lot of us that went into yesterday’s game worried that the Steelers would find a way to lose to the Raiders because they’d done it the last two meetings. Whew.

2. We can’t really talk much about the game without first talking about the penalties.

THE PENALTIES!

THE HISTORIC RACKING UP OF THE PENALTY YARDS!

One hundred and sixty three yards of penalties. More than one and a half football fields worth of penalties.

It was ridiculous and I believe a direct result of overzealous officiating by one Tony Corrente and crew.

It’s like they were dreaming up penalties as the game went on. Just pulling them out of their black and white striped butts.

3. Mike Wallace’s three catches yesterday were combined for 116 yards, one of those a touchdown after he caught a short ball and simply outran everyone on the field.  I saw AGAIN several times yesterday that he had to slow down or pull up a bit because he was outrunning Benny’s hardest thrown balls.

I would not want to get into a foot race with Mike Wallace because he’d be at the finish line gloating to the cheetah and I’d be two feet from the starting line wondering where they teleported to.

I also loved his celebratory ball-spinning thing he did. So much better than the dumb endzone dancing other players (I’m looking at you, T.O.) do.

4. Poor James Harrison. Getting called for the most ridiculous shit ever, so much so to the point that my brother-in-law, the Raiders fan, agreed the calls against James were quite bullshitty.

5. Shaun Suisham, pronounced SWEEZ-um not SWISH-AM, didn’t have to kick any field goals, but he did nail every extra point and since he’s hot, let’s pretend like that is meaningful and indicative of his ability to split the uprights from 45 yards out.

Also, I find Daniel’s new beard to be winterific and mmmrowrtastic.

6. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross was stellar. STELLAR, but that still doesn’t make it okay that my kid picked his jersey. I blame myself for not talking to my son about what Benny did to deserve a suspension. I blame my husband for letting my son buy it. I blame Tom Brady because I can.

The Duke’s throwing was on target and it was so refreshing to see him running so much, particularly his Chewbacca/dinosaur thundering run to the end zone for a hard-fought diving touchdown.

7. On top of several really great tackles, it was so good to see Troysus with an interception as he was largely absent last week against the Patriots, that I recall.

8. The defense and James Farrior in particular were fantastic given that they were operating in an environment where the yellow flags were being thrown like confetti at a parade for the inventor of confetti.

9. We must of course talk about the SLAP HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD.

YouTube Preview Image

If you’re a Steelers fan, most of you watched that and were aghast and incredulous and up in arms and clutching your pearls and calling all of Oakland and its fans “thugs.”

If you’re a Raiders fan, like my brother-in-law, you said something that included the word “rapist” or “bathroom” or “Georgia” and then watched that clip fourteen times, howling with laughter just a bit more shrill each time.

I’m not going to lie. I chuckled a bit during the tenth watching of it. In my defense, Benny fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Like a bag of bowling balls.

Like a turkey dropped from a WKRP helicopter.

Despite all those penalties, we still won by 32 points, which means WITHOUT the penalties we would have won by an historical margin. Like 3 to some number to the power of something.

But then the refs would probably have fined the whole team for “excessive awesomeness.”

The important thing: We beat the Raiders. We’re 7-3. We’re up against Buffalo next, who are 2-8.

I expect decimation. I expect a field goal or two from Suisham. I expect Jeff Reed will be signed to a new team. I expect James Harrison to begin trying to knock down quarterbacks using only bad breath or The Force, because this shizz is getting ridic.





40 Comments

  1. YinzerInExile
    November 22, 2010 6:26 pm

    I did not call Raiders fans thugs, after The Slap.

    I called them miscreants.

    And then I laughed as 2 tables in my wretchedly Georgian sports bar came *thisclose* to recreating The Slap on one another, as a guy in A BRADY JERSEY (this is not my surprised face) sat amidst his table-full of Chiefs Fans (which: there are those?) smack-talking the neighboring table of Steelers fans by yelling that “Roethlisberger smacked him on the helmet — he deserved it!!!” over and over and over again, to which the Steelers table could only respond with 2 comments:

    1. (Steeler fan in T-shirt to Steeler fan in Ward awway jersey: “We’re better than that, let it go. Just let him yell.”

    2.” (Steeler fan in Ward jersey to jagoff Brady-lover) “My jersey is worth more than yours.” *turns away, drinks beer)

    Seriously: I hope that that performance was the Stillers giving a big eff you to Goodell, and that they will play every bit as smashmouth for the rest of the season, regardless of penalties.



  2. Sarah
    November 22, 2010 6:28 pm

    Great post.

    After traveling halfway across the country to watch last week’s “game” at Heinz Field, this one was much more fun (despite having to watch it on my computer).

    In regards to the slap, I love how stupid the Raiders fans are. Irregardless of whether or not Ben deserved the slap for something that happened nine months ago did he really deserve a slap for bad behavior from a guy like Seymour. Yes Raiders fans you are so dumb to thank Seymour while HE SHOULD have been on the field helping your team not get raped….or beat…however you want to say it.



  3. Scott
    November 22, 2010 6:32 pm

    Well played, V-Ginny.



  4. Stacey
    November 22, 2010 6:57 pm

    that’s my fave WTRT ever… EVER.



  5. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    November 22, 2010 7:14 pm

    Sideline vampirism = keyboard covered in pop! Brilliant! I was hoping to see something about the fans chanting “referees sucks” over and over for a bit there. Maybe “stating the obvious, 15 yard penalty”.



  6. Fester
    November 22, 2010 7:25 pm

    My belief is that word was out that the Steelers were going to play like they were before Goodell’s new edict and the NFL told the referees to call any and all penalties (even the Bulls**t ones) in an attempt to ‘keep the Steelers in line.’ My guess is this is the type of football we will see from the Steelers in the future. If they lose, they will lose playing the Steeler way.

    In the words of Jack Lambert – We were getting intimidated and we’re supposed to be the intimidators.



  7. Matt DC
    November 22, 2010 7:39 pm

    Ben’s award-winning post-Slap performance should make us all glad for the American Justice system that he was never on the witness stand in Georgia. The DA might have been sent to the showers.



  8. Jann
    November 22, 2010 7:42 pm

    OOOH! That picture of Troy’s bum – Thank you, Thank you!



  9. Noelle
    November 22, 2010 8:05 pm

    The whole game I’m all “oh snap!! What’s Ginny gonna say about this one?!” And my friend Ken from NYC sitting next to me on the sofa was all, “WTF are you talking about? Pass me another Moosehead.” So I had to take him to (that’s) Church and get him churched up.

    I will never forget the Big Benny Bitchslap.



  10. stephanie
    November 22, 2010 8:13 pm

    brilliant post! i loved the WKRP reference!



  11. UncleLarry
    November 22, 2010 9:25 pm

    WKRP: Who knew Turkeys couldn’t fly. Les Nessman didn’t either LOL



  12. Schuyler
    November 22, 2010 9:56 pm

    Awesome post – serious laughter! Loved the penalties. You made my night!! :-)



  13. PA Girl in VA
    November 22, 2010 9:59 pm

    Bwahahahahahahahahhahaha! That was some serious funniness! And now I’ve got the WKRP theme song in my brain. God bless Less Nessman!



  14. Fester
    November 22, 2010 10:14 pm

    @ UncleLarry

    Actually it was Mr. Carlson who thought turkeys could fly. Les just reported that they were dropping from the sky – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FXSnoy71Q4.



  15. Aileen
    November 22, 2010 10:34 pm

    I was at the game yesterday with my husband and 12 year old son – who loved ginormous “refs suck” chant from the crowd.

    Don’t forget where Richard Seymour came from – The Evil Empire – he was a minion of Belichek and a teammate of Bieber Head.

    The only thing that disappointed me was that there was no playing of the Immaculate Reception on the Jumbo Tron yesterday – or clips of Jack Lambert ripping someone’s head off.



  16. Pretty Unfamous
    November 22, 2010 10:57 pm

    Number 1. I love your blog. My friend told me about it.

    Number 2. I’m from California originally and half my family is Raiders fans. The other half loves the 9ers.

    Number 3. I went to school for the past five years at Duquesne, so therefore I am a die-hard Steelers fan for life, having watched two awesome Super Bowls there.

    Number 4. I am back in California after having finished school, and I watched the game yesterday in a bar full of Raiders fans, while I was proudly wearing my Polamalu jersey.

    Number 5. I kind of giggle, too, when Ben went down.

    Number 6. I was a giddy little school girl the entire game, which made my friend a big ol’ sour-puss. Payback for the last two games!

    Number 7. I’m seeing another Super Bowl in our near future!



  17. Amy
    November 22, 2010 11:31 pm

    While you were writing this article, I was in fact enjoying the beautiful day in downtown Pgh. I was in town for the weekend visiting family and spent my last few hours walking around the city, taking photos… oh, and eating at a particular establishment that you frequently mention. I was the first customer at Las Velas for lunch today! (I will send you a photo!) For the actual game, I was at Primanti’s in Greensburg screaming at the damn refs for all those craptastic calls. But at least the Bungles lost!



  18. facie
    November 22, 2010 11:48 pm

    Yeah, after a few replays of Ben’s getting slapped, I did smile. Great fall too. I’d give him a 8.5.

    Not to be a downer, but it looked to me as if a few of Suisham’s PATs were awfully close to the uprights. But he does wear 6, Bubby Brister’s old number. Loved the Bubster!



  19. aunt penny
    November 23, 2010 1:01 am

    I thought that was kind of a sissy slap.
    And we all know Ben goes down easy.
    just sayin.

    (if it had been more of a slap-chop —Ben could have yelled—“but you’ll love my nuts”!)



  20. Angry Mongo
    November 23, 2010 8:55 am

    And you know how much Seymour got fined for that hit? $25,000. Makes you wonder if Harrison should just start slapping the quarterbacks instead of trying to tackle them? It’d be cheaper…. as long as he does it late in the 4th quarter and we’re up by three TDs.

    Loved the WKRP reference.



  21. Ash
    November 23, 2010 8:57 am

    My 6 yr old son also wants a benny jersey. I keep telling him no and squeezing him into his Troysus jersey. I refuse to let him wear benny. Hopefully by next season he will pick someone a little better!



  22. red pen mama
    November 23, 2010 9:35 am

    I’m going to yell in delight here: I AM SO GLAD YOU REFERENCED THAT WKRP IN CINNINATTI EPISODE! I think of that episode every year at this time (because, der), and of Herb Tarkelton [sic] saying that line.

    After I’ve picked myself up off the floor, I’ll comment on the other stuff.



  23. red pen mama
    November 23, 2010 9:47 am

    Oh, dear, I really should let the caffeine reach my poor pregnant brain before I try to spell words. And I thought it was Herb, not Mr. Carlson. Either way, hilarious.

    Great captions, and the made up penalties were funny, but the laundry on the field Sunday was out of hand. Not that all those penalties were fabricated, but I can think of at least two that were undeserved. The words of Lambert about putting skirts on quarterbacks seems to have become NFL policy as of late.

    Goodell can say what he likes, and deny targeting any football team, but to give Seymour a fine only is telling. The guy wasn’t playing football (i.e. the infraction was after the whistle). I know he’s not a repeat offender — he’s actually well-respected and a clean (for a Raider) player — but that was after a whistle, for nothing more than a guy who didn’t say, “Excuse me, coming through.”



  24. unsatisfied
    November 23, 2010 10:13 am

    excessive silky smoothness.

    I know the feeling.

    “baby, if you’ve ever wondered. wondered whatever became of me…..”



  25. alison
    November 23, 2010 10:56 am

    great post! it all started with the screenshot of the slapsgiving episode and went uphill from there. i love HIMYM and the slap bet episodes are the best ones.

    the penalties in that game were redonk! and your made up ones were hilarious. one of my favorite posts to date!



  26. bucdaddy
    November 23, 2010 11:10 am

    Your BiL is a sad, strange little man.



  27. T
    November 23, 2010 11:30 am

    Great post! Definitely made me lol.

    What I don’t understand is that Harrison gets fined 75K for DOING HIS JOB .. i.e. tackling and that idiot only gets 25K for an intentional slap after the play is over? Whether or not Benny deserved a good slap is not the point. Noooo, Goodell isn’t targeting a certain team or certain players. I wonder where anyone got that impression? I would love to see a metric that determines the fines given.



  28. Angry Mongo
    November 23, 2010 11:33 am

    @T Makes you wonder if they’ll wait until after the season is over to levy a disciplinary action against Favre. “Oh yeah, he’s retiring? No sense in suspending him. I guess will just give him a teeny tiny fine.”



  29. T
    November 23, 2010 11:52 am

    @Angry Mogo – Are you talking about his sexting thing? I haven’t heard anything on that in a while. I’m sure he’ll just get a little slap on the wrist.



  30. Fredmyn
    November 23, 2010 11:57 am

    Oh. My. Lawd.

    If my boss were hear right now, I’d be packing up my junk and heading home for good. I was laughing so loud and hard she would have fired me.

    “I blame Tom Brady because I can.”

    Best sentence in the whole post. I really can’t stand Mr. Bundchen. : )



  31. Fredmyn
    November 23, 2010 11:58 am

    She’d also fire me because I can’t tell the difference between “here” and “hear”. SMH



  32. Beth
    November 23, 2010 12:50 pm

    @ RPM – he actually IS a repeat offender. He got tossed out of a game against Cleveland last December for the exact same shit. That fine? $10,000

    But no, certain players aren’t being targeted. Yeah, my round rosy ass.



  33. Ms Redd
    November 23, 2010 3:35 pm

    Beth- you beat me to the repeat offender reference. I think he should be considered an offender just for being originally from the Patriots. And if you look at the expression on his face, there was ALOT of anger, we can just be thankful he didn’t use his fist or I think ol’ Ben might have been MIA for a couple of weeks.



  34. red pen mama
    November 23, 2010 4:38 pm

    I stand corrected. :)



  35. Diane
    November 23, 2010 8:52 pm

    I thought it was pronounced “Swiss-Ham”. “SWEEZ-um” is cool, too.



  36. Sarah
    November 23, 2010 9:03 pm

    1.) Seymour, because he is a repeat offender, was given a $25000 penalty, instead of $10000 penalty for first time offenders.

    2.) I think The Duke appearing to do a one fingered push-up on the goal line is amazing.



  37. Amy
    November 24, 2010 7:53 pm

    Even though I am a Steelers fan – common now – how many of you played that clip on your DVR or TIVO and again here OVER AND OVER AND OVER and to call it SLAPSGIVING – common now that is funny!!

    And Ben’s comment today on the news about being called “SOFT” for not doing anything back… “I’m just concentrating on winning the championship..” GO STEELERS!



  38. Travis
    November 29, 2010 7:50 pm

    I literally LOL’d like some sort of a maniac while reading this post… people are now staring…



  39. Troy's best fan
    December 23, 2010 3:25 pm

    Loved the comments on here! After the NFL gave Seymour a $25,000 fine, I lost all respect for Goodall and Anderson. The best being Harrison should punch quarterbacks instead of tackling them. The fine is cheaper!That’s ich because it is the truth!