What They’re Really Thinking: Passball Pooch Punt Edition

No matter the reason, coach Mike Tomlin made a bad mistake. If he had brought in kicker Shaun Suisham to challenge Reed, make him feel a little less comfortable and bring out the competitor in him, that would have been great. But to flat out release Reed? The team will be worse off because of it.

Ron Cook, Post-Gazette, November 17, 2010

I could just end this post right there, and I’m going to.

Just kidding. Let’s let Ron Cook talk his way out of that one while I try to talk my way out of my comment last week that I expected the total decimation of the Bills.

Yesterday we had the family over at our house for the game because my husband was making some shredded chicken mole traditional Mexican sandwiches. I hate mole. Seriously. Whoever decided chocolate would be good on chicken should get a kick in the huevos.

Regardless, as the field goals were racking up points, this conversation happened:

Me: “Why did they call this football? Seriously. The foot only scores points as a last possible resort.”

Mom: “Well, they couldn’t call it soccer. It was already taken.”

Me: “[Internally] WTF IS SHE SMOKING? [Aloud] Um … Mom? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Mom: “Shut up.”

Me: “Handball? Throwball? Armball?”

Dad: “Passball!”

So we’re righting years of wrong and calling it passball now. You’re welcome, futbol.

1. When we were up 13-0, I said to my brother-in-law, “Sheesh. This game is boring.”

And the God’s of football smote me with a BOOYAH!

As the score became closer and closer and my mother had to leave the room because of the stress, I said, “WHY, GOD?! WHY?!”

I hate boring games, but I hate close games more. I prefer a game somewhere between the ass-whooping we handed down to the Raiders and the thumb-sucking, rocking in place, losing my shit of the Bills/Steelers game.

A happy medium. There must be a way to win that doesn’t bore me to tears but that doesn’t age me like yesterday’s game aged me. Literally two new gray hairs.

WHY GOD, WHY?!

2. Am I wrong in thinking Kemoeatu sucks? Lots of unnecessary holding penalties. I might be mis-remembering, but there were several times during yesterday’s game when I thought to myself, “That guy sucks.”

Too handsy with the hands, n’at.

I also remember wishing evil things on Keyaron Fox’s face at one point during overtime. Like, his face was on my TV and I hexed him with the evil eye.

So that will explain if he woke up with an inverted nose.

One of these days, a hex of mine is going to work.

3. The first drive was BAM BAM BAM BAM SCORE. Just like that.

Total decimation is forthcoming.

The end is near for Buffalo.

Hines Ward: Fire.

The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross: Fire.

Rashard Mendenhall: Fie-ah.

7-0.

4. And then here come Shaun Suisham (pronounced “HAWT”) to kick his first field goal as a Steeler and it’s not an easy one. 45-yards is what we’re asking of the boy.

Somewhere, in a seedy bar, Jeff Reed sits with an especially skanky slut, watching the game on TV, trying his hardest to hex the kick.

That is some strange-looking voodoo juju shit he’s pulling there.

But here’s Suisham (pronounced “NOM NOM”) with the kick … and … IT’S GOOD!

5.  Then just before the second half, the score 10-0, the Steelers call on Suisham to attempt a field goal again, except this time, they’ve added a yard.

46-yards!

It’s getting harder, not easier.

That’s what she said.

So Suisham lines up for the kick, my family holds its collective breath because we really want him to do good, and somewhere Jeff Reed tries a new hex.

(original pic)

A scent of stale, putrid slut juice fills the air, temporarily rendering Suisham motionless, and then … the kick … from 46 yards out … and … IT’S GOOD!

13-0 going into the half!

Somewhere, Jeff Reed punches a poker machine.

6. Then someone somewhere did something at halftime, perhaps drugged the Steelers, because the second half started out and stayed one giant ball of passball suck.

I mean, WTF happened?

Where did the total decimation run off to?

Did Jeff Reed hex the whole damn team with his fart?!

7. Before we get to the suck, can we talk about Benny’s punt? What was the reason for that? What were they trying to do? Somebody explain it to me, Lucy!

It’s 4th and 4 at the Buffalo 30-something yard line, so why not just let Danny Boy punt it so I can take a look at his arms?

Why the hysterical looking, but not terrible punt by Benny?

The best part? It’s called a pooch punt. I’d never heard that before.

POOCH PUNT.

I want to front a rock band called Pooch Punt and this will be our cover art:

8.  Not long after the punt of poochiness, James Harrison was penalized for roughing the passer because he tackled the passer and I guess maybe took a camera-phone pic up the passer’s GIANT PINK SKIRT.

Unreal.

Meanwhile, the NFL has rejected Harrison’s appeal of two fines that are costing him $95,000 for things he did WITHIN the game of football, while Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan had a real live fist fight outside of play and they’ll be fined $25,000 each.

I think we can all agree for the sake of James’ wallet, that he should just wait until the whistle is blown and then beat the shit out of quarterbacks with his fists of steel.

It’ll be cheaper that way, you see.

Excuse me while I lather up enough indignation for this epic eyeroll I’m about to execute.

[EYE. ROLL.]

Totally stuck the landing.

9. So before we know it, penalties start adding up and our play suffers and suddenly is 13-10 and Mendenhall fumbles, AGAIN and I want to punt the pooch.

Field goal. 13-13. WTF?

Let the rocking and muttering to yourself under your breath begin.

Benny saves the day with an 18-yard run after almost getting sacked and let’s bring out Suisham.

Only let’s make it even HARDER THIS TIME!

48-yards!

He’s gotta miss some time, right? I mean, he can’t be asked to continue to nail kicks from 40-plus yards out can he?

Somewhere, Jeff Reed is too distracted to notice what’s about to happen.

BAM! 48 yards and it’s good. All of Pittsburgh says, “Skippy who?” Ron Cook tries to erase his previous column from the archives.  I’m stunned and writing the lyrics to “Pow! Goes the Punted Pooch” in my head.

We have to leave him alone now. He’s completed three successful long field goals. Nine of our 16 points. He’s done his work.

10. Know who else did his work? Troysus Polamalu.

What a game he had. Without him, that game was lost. No way around that.

Troysus saves.

11. Overtime. 16-16. And suddenly, the game is over. We have lost. A pass to Steve Johnson in the end zone is caught for a touch down. The quarterback is celebrating. I am weeping and changing the lyrics of my song to “KILL KILL KILL KILL.”

But … what’s this?

Actually, I think THESE guys are writing a song called KILL KILL KILL right now:

12. Finally, here’s our chance. Suisham. 41-yards.

THIS is the one’s he’s going to miss, right? The easy one. I brace for it.

My mother covers her eyes, preferring to know the result via our screams of joy or our chanting of KILL KILL KILL.

Jeff Reed sexts pictures of his crotch to Suisham in an effort to blind him.

Suisham vomits violently, lines up to kick … and …

SCREAMS OF JOY!

ARMS OF SEX!

HOT MAN LOVE EVERYWHERE!

Steelers win, I change the title of my song to “Daniel Sepulveda Should Call Me and Here’s Why,” and Steve Johnson sends out a hilarious tweet blaming God for his five dropped passes:

I bet when God was checking his Twitter and saw that, He was all, “UNFOLLOW.”

We’re 8-3 and Shaun Suisham earned us that passball win with his foot.

But seriously, someone needs to tell him to step off my man or I will punt his pooch.





42 Comments

  1. Jaynie
    November 30, 2010 1:23 am

    this is for sure my favorite WTRT of all time. I lol’d through the entire thing!

    hope your Thanksgiving was great, and I’m glad to know you’re safe and sound!



  2. northside15212
    November 30, 2010 1:32 am

    The pooch punt is done for the element of surprise –the defense believes the “O,” lined up in a standard formation, is going to make a legitimate attempt at a first down. Thus, the “D” is in a standard formation, with no punt return personnel or deep back to receive a kick. “Surprise! We’re punting!” The idea is to get a decent kick, with roll, and no return. Typically done on your opponents side of the 50.



  3. Daisy
    November 30, 2010 5:25 am

    Some of those pics rocked! (Harrison, Johnson & the passball, punter & kicker love) Thanks for always handing out a laugh or ten after a game. :) I can’t wait to see next week’s!



  4. Magnus Patris
    November 30, 2010 7:39 am

    Does God’s Twitter account have that little “Verified” checks next to it? That would open up a whole metaphysical can o’ worms.

    Also, I think I know what to do with all those #7 Steeler shirts; take the name “Roethlisberger” off and put “Pooch Punt” on. They’d sell out by Christmas.



  5. Different Brian
    November 30, 2010 8:09 am

    Gridiron football is properly called Handegg.

    http://www.thelagalaxyblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/handegg.jpg



  6. Angry Mongo
    November 30, 2010 8:29 am

    Swiss Ham is the new black. That is all.

    I’m telling ya, in three years, this will be Jeff Reed.

    http://season1.fr/images/scott_krinsky.jpg



  7. Moe the Dog
    November 30, 2010 9:41 am

    Ron Cook is wrong about everything. I think he wrote six columns this year and just rearranges the paragraphs for submissions.



  8. unsatisfied
    November 30, 2010 9:47 am

    “pooch punt” is a decent name for a rock band.

    but, “stale putrid slut juice” is ohsomuch better.



  9. Butcher's Dog
    November 30, 2010 9:47 am

    Benny punted that one with his left foot, too, which is pretty amazing IMHO.

    I’m still not nuts about Suisam’s kickoffs, though. Buffalo wins in about 12 seconds of overtime if the returner doesn’t trip over his own guy. And Tweeter Johnson certainly wins this week’s Limas Sweed award. That puts him in the running for end-of-career, um, I mean year, honors as well.

    Ron Cook’s columns come as close to reality as his by-line picture does. Just sayin’.



  10. Amy L.
    November 30, 2010 9:50 am

    I saw that last photo of Sepulveda embracing Suisham and wondered if anyone with mad photo editing skills might somehow give Suisham some long black curls and change the name on his jersey to Montanez.



  11. unsatisfied
    November 30, 2010 9:50 am

    seriously.

    I can just hear it now….

    “thanks, pittsburgh, we’re stale putrid slut juice! this is our last song then make sure you stick around for taylor swift comin’ up! this one’s called, “jeff reed just sexted me again”…”



  12. SpudMom
    November 30, 2010 9:54 am

    I think Stale Putrid Slut Juice is opening act for Bieber, actually.



  13. Marcy
    November 30, 2010 9:54 am

    “I bet when God was checking his Twitter and saw that, He was all, “UNFOLLOW.”

    this. This is what keeps me coming back here, Ginny – you’re the best.



  14. Jill
    November 30, 2010 9:58 am

    Steve Johnson didn’t realize that God in fact, is a Steeler’s fan. Not that he doesn’t love all of his children, but you know, he does have favorites :)

    Great post! I was at the “Rock of Ages” show Sunday and sneaked a check at espn.com for the score, saw it was 13-0 and happily put my phone away. Imagine my surprise getting in the car at the 2:00 warning to find it almost tied…yikes…

    Let’s beat some Raven butt this Sunday!



  15. lover of the burg
    November 30, 2010 10:04 am

    i’m convinced there is yet to be disclosed another ‘bad boy’ jeff reed incident and not just his poor performance that made steeler management say, ‘bye-bye.’



  16. bluzdude
    November 30, 2010 10:10 am

    Regarding the cheerleader pic… it’s “pooch punt,” not “cooch punt.”

    I just can’t believe that Johnson is surprised? Who did he think God pulls for? Who else had 6 Super Bowls and an Immaculate Reception?

    God was in His Holy Game Room with his crew, going “Watch this…”

    And Jack Kemp was going, “Noooooooooo!”



  17. Noelle
    November 30, 2010 10:33 am

    @Angry Mongo: There are tears streaming down my face from laughter and the temp in the cube next to me is all, “What??? Are you ok??” That made my day.



  18. Angry Mongo
    November 30, 2010 10:35 am

    @Noelle And my work here is done.



  19. northside15212
    November 30, 2010 10:44 am

    I heard Suisham’s nickname among teammates is “Sushi.”



  20. Monty
    November 30, 2010 11:15 am

    Ummm. Is one required to have starred in the Crying Game to get a job as a Bills cheerleader?



  21. Amy
    November 30, 2010 11:31 am

    Not the best photoshop skills, but here you go…
    http://twitpic.com/3bmvtm



  22. Virginia
    November 30, 2010 11:32 am

    Amy, you made my day.



  23. bucdaddy
    November 30, 2010 12:02 pm

    So Johnson tempts the fates by wearing No. 13 and that’s God’s fault?



  24. Kathy
    November 30, 2010 12:17 pm

    stale putrid slut juice… good thing I haven’t had that labiaplasty, because I curled up, all “ewwww, that just nasty.” nasty visions Ginny, nasty.



  25. PA Girl in VA
    November 30, 2010 12:22 pm

    Kemoeatu pisses me off! Constantly being called for holding and false starts/offsides and stupid stuff like that. As soon as a whistle blows, I know it’s on him.



  26. Amy
    November 30, 2010 12:32 pm

    Kemo needs to get his shit straight. Seriously. BUT- anyone else notice on that crap holding call towards the end of the game (the commentators also said it wasn’t a good call) that the defender had a hold of his facemask? Where was that call? If they plan on flagging us on every little thing, then they need to get their shit straight too and start making those calls as well!



  27. L-A
    November 30, 2010 12:35 pm

    Best. WTRT. Ever. And great job on the photoshop, Amy!



  28. facie
    November 30, 2010 12:48 pm

    Ginny,

    Never stop writing these, K? I mean even when you are 80 and don’t know what decade it is, I am sure these WTRT will still rock.

    Speaking of not rocking, I had never seen the Skippy-grabbing-his-crotch-while-some-girl-smiles-and-helps-out pic. Ew.



  29. Amy L.
    November 30, 2010 12:56 pm

    Ok, Amy’s mad Photoshop skills are awesome. May I now drop my last initial and pretend to be her so I can take credit for both post 10 and post 21? So jealous. (Jealous of the embrace as well. Ginnny! You and Daniel must stay at least three penalty flag lengths apart!)



  30. Suburban Nor'Side Girl
    November 30, 2010 12:56 pm

    Now that Skippy is gone, could you, please, promise to never, NEVER EVER show that pic of him in all his naked skeeviness again.



  31. Jess
    November 30, 2010 1:16 pm

    Ditto # 30! lol



  32. Pensgirl
    November 30, 2010 1:48 pm

    I am self-uniting to your real husband just so he can make me enchiladas de mole poblano.



  33. mis
    November 30, 2010 2:56 pm

    I should not read your posts when sick. Started out laughing but ended up coughing up a lung.
    New Motto: “That’s Church- better than Mucincex!!!”



  34. MattDC
    November 30, 2010 3:19 pm

    Sometimes you can’t get rid of a horrific mental image. Sometimes a particularly foul odor stays with you. But a mental image of a foul odor is almost ineradicable. I’ve been trying to get rid of it for 2 hours. “Stale putrid slut juice.” I may have to go to church.



  35. Dash
    November 30, 2010 3:52 pm

    I just have to say, if you do start your band, and the picture you showed is the cover art, I guarantee that you will sell 1,000,000 copies of it in the first 10 min it’s out, all to teenaged boys!



  36. Burghbird
    November 30, 2010 4:08 pm

    Someone must explain to me the difference between what James Harrison got penalized for, and what the two Bills who sacked Ben, bent him in half, and then crawled all over him so he was still bent in half unable to get up off the turf who did NOT get penalized did.



  37. Burghbird
    November 30, 2010 4:35 pm

    And just reported. Harrison is fined another $25,000. Really? If he went to the sideline, put on another jersey with a different number on it, I wonder if he would have gotten the flag or the fine?



  38. Jann
    November 30, 2010 4:51 pm

    The pink skirt comment in #8 is t-shirt worthy!!



  39. Linda
    November 30, 2010 5:10 pm

    Best WTRT yet, Ginny!



  40. Pretty Unfamous
    December 1, 2010 1:46 am

    Absolutely love you. And this post.



  41. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    December 1, 2010 4:34 pm

    Ginny- did you ever consider putting all of these WTRT together into some type of book. You could sell lots and donate the proceeds to your charities.



  42. Haley
    December 26, 2010 11:16 am

    This is hilarious but I am a HUGE Jeff “Skippy” Reed fan and I can’t stand Shaun “Sushi” Suisham because he took Reed’s spot. Reed rocks! Suisham sucks!