That's Church

First, I already know I’m going to hell for laughing at the Jeff Reed couldn’t kick his own suicide stool joke that’s making rounds on the internet. I know it was inappropriate. Don’t scold me. I scolded myself already and I’ll do it again.

[angry finger wagging]

Second, I also laughed at this:

1. No posting yesterday SO DEAL WITH IT.

I kid.

I had meetings all day and by the time I got home I got hooked on watching Toy Story 3 and man is that giant lazy-eyed, dead-eyed baby the creepiest thing I ever did want to kill with fire.

Nightmares.

2. Speaking of nightmares, DEAR GOD NO!

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl‘s office is using YouTube, Twitter and Facebook today to urge city high school students to participate in its My Promise to Pittsburgh contest, for which the deadline is next week.

Does this mean Mayor Lukey is going to start tweeting again?! So close to the first anniversary of his last tweet?! So close to my chance to retweet his last tweet? So close to my chance to get #thanksgivingstahl to trend on Twitter?!

That would be just like him to spite me that way.

However, the winner of that contest gets Pens tickets! WOO!

And lunch with the Mayor! Woo?

3. I’d like to have lunch with the Mayor. I wonder which of us would break out in fisticuffs first.

4. My money is on me.

5. I’d win.

[awkward kung fu moves]

6. Light Up Night starts tomorrow in Pittsburgh and runs through to Saturday night (Las Velas will have Mariachis on Saturday night!), and then the Steelers play Sunday. This means I have seen the last of my husband until maybe Sunday night.

7. I don’t know if you know this, but all the cool kids are donating to Burgh Baby’s Christmas Crazy. Don’t you want to be cool like us?

Peer pressure at work.

8. Jim Shearer is getting a bigger and bigger presence here in Pittsburgh as his Yinz Luv shows are being featured on the Pittsburgh Magazine site and he’s been on DVE and The Fan recently.

Now all we need is to find him a job in sports.

I’d watch The Yinz Luv Show With Jim Shearer so hard.

Check out his New England show. I had a nice hearty belly laugh at exactly 1:27 in:

Also: “The Allegheny River would KICK ITS ASS.”

LOL.

I love Jim. I might have to divorce a self-united husband so I can fake marry him.

KDKA, WTAE, WPXI, what’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you guys negotiating your butts off to get Jim on your channel?

For shame.

9. If you have new or gently used winter coats you’d like to donate, head on down to KDKA at One Gateway Center today at 5:00 p.m. in the circle next to KDKA off of Fort Duquesne Blvd. to donate a coat. Dave Price from the CBS Early Show will be here to collect them!

10. Hottie alert! Alyssa Milano is going to be at the Penguins game at the CEC on Friday!

To help celebrate the launch of the new Touch PensGear Store featuring ‘Touch by Alyssa Milano’ merchandise at CONSOL Energy Center, 150 fans will win a private meet and greet with Alyssa Milano.

Starting Monday, November 15th at 11am, the first 150 fans who purchase ‘Touch by Alyssa Milano’ merchandise at the main Pens Gear store or the Touch PensGear Store on the main concourse will receive a free autographed gift, and will get the chance to meet Alyssa Milano in person on Friday November 19 before the Penguins take on the Hurricanes.

I desire this henley so much. It would go perfect with that corduroy hat Mrs. Comrie was sporting, which I’m told is available for sale at the arena:

She’s not terrible to look at, eh?

(h/t John)

… we have the newest Steeler Shaun Suisham.

Start this at 1:00 in:

Swoon.

Fun interview:

Who knows what kind of kicker he’ll be for us, but at least we know he’ll be nice to look at. My mission, and I’ve already chosen to accept it: shirtless pictures of Shaun Suisham.

And seeing Daniel Sepulveda hold for Shaun Suisham? Hot like hellfire.

Seeing as I have more self-united husbands than I have chainable poles in my basement, who’s taking Shaun?

Going once, going twice …

Oh my gosh.

I cannot believe it really happened.

It didn’t happen after he kicked the empty Sheetz paper towel dispenser.

It didn’t happen after he became an internet superstar for pictures of his manscaping (NSFW) or his tiara or his drunken escapades in Pittsburgh nightclubs where he clearly had a thing for trashy blondes.

It didn’t happen after he put his dukes up to the police in defense of a publicly urinating Matt Spaeth.

It didn’t happen after that game last fall when he missed three field goals.

No, the Steelers waited until the suck was too evident, the gut too ample, the thighs too thunderous and the beard too lush.

Hasta luego, Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Jeff Reed, cut from the Steelers today.

May the goal posts always be wide, the turf solid, the paper towel dispensers full.

May the kicks be strong, the ball path be true, the sluts be slutty.

May your beard always be luxuriant and your private parts trimmed.

May your friends always find a restroom in time.

May your new team have cheerleaders.

May the beer flow, the shots double, and the sluts put out.

Fare thee well, godspeed, and don’t let the door hit you in the misdemeanors on the way out.

I’m kidding.

All I know is that Tom Brady exhibited some majorly bizarre behavior last night, so bizarre that my sister Pens Fan emailed me all, “I’m pretty sure Tom Brady is tweaked out on meth.”

She wrote that after he had his screaming fit in which he stood in the center of his offensive team, shrieking his head off until the vein in his forehead was all  KABLOOEY and then ended it by screaming, “You got that?! You’re all f–king assholes, too!”

Seriously. That’s what he said in his rage. For all his faults, and I’m not minimizing his faults, could you ever in a billion years imagine Benny screaming that at the team? Or any Steeler player screaming at the team like that while on the field?

I said to my husband, “Did you see that?! What a jerk that guy is. I hope the Karma Boomerang makes itself a home in his butt crack and gives him a raging infection that makes all of his stupid hair fall out.” [rage issues. I have them.]

And my husband said, “Well, when you’re the leader of the team blah blah blah [insert some nonsense here about motivating a team with vicious insults].”

I’m sorry. I don’t consider screaming at your team that they’re a bunch of f–king assholes as encouragement.

But just to be sure, the next time I’m at Target and the cart boy is struggling to get all the carts into the store, I’m going to shout. “YOU’RE DOING AN AWESOME JOB! KEEP IT UP, YOUNG FELLOW. ALSO, YOU’RE A GIANT F–KING ASSHOLE!”

Or the next time I hang out at a race, and the runners are going by, I’ll scream, “YOU CAN DOOOO IIIIIT, YOU F–KING ASSHOLES!”

Or the next time I’m at my son’s flag football game and the team is down by one touchdown, I’ll scream, “LET’S DO THIS, YOU F–KING ASSHOLES!”

I’ll let you know how it goes over.

Let’s talk football and The Devil and Tom Brady.

1. This game started out bad and stayed bad in that no matter what the Steelers did, the Patriots had an answer for it.

We couldn’t frustrate them the way they frustrated us.

We couldn’t run. Our pass-defense was HIGH – wait for it – LARIOUS.

And our linebackers? I have never seen a quarterback with as much time to throw as Tom Brady had to throw the ball yesterday. Have you?

It was either their kickass O-Line or our dismal defense or a combination of both into the perfect storm of a ten-second empty pocket where Tom Brady had time to send a text to Gisele all, “Have u seen my hair? I am a beautiful man. LOL. XOXO. FINGERHEARTS.’

2. The frustrating thing for me was feeling like we were one amazing play away from a complete momentum shift. A Troysus interception returned for a touchdown. A breakout Mendenhall run for a touchdown. A punt return for a touchdown. SOMETHING FOR A TOUCHDOWN.

But it never happened.

3. We interrupt this WTRT to check in with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

The minister, apparently, is in.

4. We should talk about Benny. Benny did not play well for much of this game.

His throws were terrible, under, over, short, long.

It was too little too late to try to bring us back in the fourth quarter, especially when the Patriots had an answer for every good thing we finally did.

That said, I’d like to think that despite his horrible play, the fans tried to offer Benny some encouragement.

I see they did.

5. And where was Troysus? I am trying to recall one amazing thing or well, slightly memorable thing he did during this game and I got nothing. Not a fantastic tackle. Not a sack. Not an interception.

Do you suppose he had problems with Tom Brady’s hair?

Although that picture makes it look like Troysus sacked Tom. Did I miss that?!

In my defense, I hope Tom Brady wakes up with a painful pimple the size of Afghanistan on his ass.

What? I don’t know either.

6. Hines Ward got hurt early with a concussion, and that hurt us in the end zone I thought, because no one seems to catch those missiles to the back of the end zone, up high, toes inside the line like Hines Ward can.

It looked to me like Hines got knocked out for half a second there, right?

I might be wrong about that, but in my defense I hope Tom Brady takes a prescription-strength time-released laxative and can’t undo his belt.

7. I guess we have to talk about Jeff Reed, don’t we?

Jeff Reed, our franchise player, missed a 26-yard field goal and blamed the grass: