What They’re Really Thinking: Espanolisimo Editionionito

I spent a good portion of yesterday with the shakes and a nauseous stomach and a general feeling of being on the precipice of an epic anxiety attack.

THAT’S how much I hate the Ravens.

Biblical.

Fire. Brimstone. Pestilence. Tribulation. Apocalypse. Jerkitudey buttheads.

Pretty sure that’s in there somewhere.

I see Ray Lewis, pre-game, amping up his team all, “Let’s leave our legacy. Let’s make them play us. Let blah blah blah nonsense bullshit I murder people,” and I want to jump through my television, find him, and maybe take a week’s worth of anger and frustration out on his donkey omelets like they’re miniature punching bags.

I just had a hilarious mental image of a mouse using Ray Lewis’ balls as punching bags and now I can’t stop laughing.

The Ravens give me hateful rage.

I’m not proud of it. But I do soak gloriously in it.

Let’s talk foosball, Bobby Boucher!

1.The big story of the game was of course the The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross was riding a lame horse, as in, his foot is broken, so he was wearing a giant clown shoe to protect his tootsies.

But as if that wasn’t enough, the Ravens went and immediately broke his fug, gross nose, making it fuglier. Grosser. The Kingdom of Fug and Gross gains acreage right before our eyes.

Before:

Normal ugly straight-ish nose.

After, taken from Mikey’s twitter account:

It looks like a sour gummy worm is trying to break free from his schnoz.

Vomit.

The best part was the announcers were saying, “We’re being told the Steelers are saying Ben’s nose is bloodied, not broken,” meanwhile I’ve seen Zs straighter than that nose.

It reminded me of that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the knight gets his arm chopped off and he’s all, “IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND.”

Also, I’m embarrassed to admit that when Benny came to the sidelines with blood pouring from his nose, I got my sports confused and almost said aloud, “They drew blood! That’s an automatic penalty right?!”

Hockey on the brain.

Benny, the beast that he is, soldiered on through the broken foot, the broken nose, and the “NO MEANS NO!” chants in the crowd.

The crowd that cheers for murderers.

2. Michael Phelps was there and seemed to be having a jolly good time cheering on the Ravens.

Why do I have the incredible desire to feed him a carrot? Or a sugar cube?

3.  If kicking multiple 40+ yard field goals last week wasn’t enough of a challenge, Shaun Suisham took on a whole new challenge yesterday when Daniel Sepulveda tore his ACL again forcing Suisham to serve as both kicker and punter.

And then if that challenge wasn’t enough, they decided to keep getting penalties during the punts, forcing him further back five yards at a time.

And then if THAT wasn’t enough of a challenge …

God. Give the boy a rest.

He’s been perfect. Let’s not wear him out lest he pull a Jeff Reed and morph from a clean cut college boy into a bloated bag of sexually transmitted diseases.

Speaking of, here’s Jeff Reed and his spare tire kicking a 44-yard field goal for the 49ers yesterday.

(source)

He might want to get himself checked for a tapeworm.

4. Did I mention Daniel Sepulvedanomnom is out for the remainder of the season?

5. I realize smiling is kind of Hines Ward’s thing. He smiles. All the time. Most of the time it’s endearing, but when we’re playing our mortal enemies, locked in heated battle of wills and testaments …  or something, when blood has been shed, noses broken, ACLs torn, and you drop an EXTREMELY important pass on a third and long and you smile about it?

To quote my exact words yesterday, “Chingas a tu putisima madre, you smiley son of a bitch.”

Which translates roughly to, “I would prefer you not smile when you drop a pass, you smiley son of a bitch.”

I’m good at Spanishisimo.

Ask my husbando.

6. Bryant McFadden couldn’t cover a pimple, let alone a receiver.

I also wish his putisima would be chinga-ed … or something.

7. Third quarter, Heath Miller is the victim of a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Knocking him into some weird state of existence where his arms are tightened up in a scary and eerie fashion. I worry he’s paralyzed.

I wait for the flag.

You know. The flag. The flag that would have been thrown with joy and abandon like rice at a wedding had it been James Harrison that delivered the hit.

The flag. El flago? Flagito? Donde esta los flagos?!

No flag. Heath lies while the sound of the helmets echo through the stadium. Still no flag. Ben asks what’s up.

These refs are jokes.

Or.

8.  So the entire game practically, we’re hanging in there at 6 points to their 10 when finally A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

Troysus karate chops Flacco’s arm sending the ball hopping away to be retrieved by the Steelers who run it to near first and goal.

Troysus saves. Always.

1st and goal. Benny avoids a sack and frantically tosses the ball away like a blind drunk working a paper route. Finally. After YEARS of shouting “GET RID OF THE BALL” at my television screen, the Duke finally heard me.

2nd and goal.

3rd and goal.

And here’s Redman. Stopped at the five yard line. I’m angry at the world. Angry at Ben. Angry at Hines. Angry at Arians for being as predictable as a menstrual cycle. I prepare to unleash a string of Spanish invectives unheard since I destroyed my husband at Mario Kart.

But wait! He eluded. He eluded again!

TOUCHDOWN!

This is followed by a defensive stand that ended with Flacco mis-firing on 4th and 2, which, in 20/20 hindsight, they should have tried for the field goal to tie.

13-10.

Steelers win a tough one, take over first place, and they paid dearly for it. They did it for Heath’s battered brain and Ben’s gummy worm schnoz and ogre foot and Daniel’s knee and Flozell Adams’ ankle and oh my God, how are we going to continue to win with our team as healthy as emphysema?

Eff-o.

Or something.





49 Comments

  1. Fester
    December 6, 2010 11:54 pm

    I think Hines was smiling in a way that indicated that he can’t believe he dropped that pass.

    I hate being that guy that says you call that shit on Harrison but not on the other team but the refs missed 3 blatant Ravens personal fouls. The Ngati hit to Ben’s nose and the Miller hit and on the play Ben got away from Suggs and threw the ball away, Suggs grabbed Ben’s helmet by the bottom (you are not allowed to touch the QB’s helmet).

    One other thing, Ben may not be that great of a person, but I doubt Pretty Boy and the Robot would have played with the injuries Ben had yesterday. That says a little bit about his character.



  2. Bram R
    December 6, 2010 11:59 pm

    “Fire. Brimstone. Pestilence. Tribulation. Apocalypse. Jerkitudey buttheads.”

    Goooood. I can feel the anger flowing through you. But we must be cautious. One foot in front of the other, one task, one decision at a time until we can strike.

    The Ravens will beat the Patriots, and then the Ravens will lose the AFC Championship game at Heinz Field, and Steelers go to the Superbowl. And then we. Will. Have. Peace.



  3. bluzdude
    December 7, 2010 12:07 am

    You think you can generate real Ratbird hate from Pittsburgh? Try living here in B-more.

    Monday was a beautiful day.



  4. lauren
    December 7, 2010 12:09 am

    one of your best yet.

    but eff.



  5. brainwise
    December 7, 2010 12:22 am

    You madred some serious chingas in this effort. Or something.

    At any rate, I was laughing through your whole recap. And that is amazing considering the fact that I was on the verge of a heart attack during the actual game.



  6. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    December 7, 2010 12:33 am

    Ginny, as usual, you nailed this. I’m still trying to get warm after sitting through that heart attack inducing game. On the hit to Heath, it was difficult, but not impossible, to hear the echoing of the helmets because the echoes were drowned out by the classless Ratbird fans chanting “No means no” throughout the entire injury time out, before they moved on to screaming things like “just drag him off of the field” and “faker, he’s just trying to get a flag thrown”. The six rows of Steelers fans I was sitting amongst decided that Arians must have been in the bathroom when we scored. What else would explain the pass play mixed in with those run plays in the red zone.



  7. Pensgirl
    December 7, 2010 12:53 am

    The refs also missed a facemask on Troy early in the game, and on the drive where they scored their touchdown, the long pass was SO NOT A CATCH (the receiver never got his right foot down), though I also thought Tomlin should have challenged on that one.

    Ginny, the Ray-Ray/Dead People picture is…OMG. I’m speechless (in that shocked silent-laughter-wait-don’t-laugh-someone-really-died kinda way). The hate? I totally feel you.

    And as much as it’s heart-attack-inducing to spend the bulk of a game playing catch-up, there is something I very much enjoy about being down the whole game to the Ravens and then swiping the lead at the very last minute. It’s rather fun playing Lucy to their Charlie Brown.



  8. Katie
    December 7, 2010 12:55 am

    I believe we actually said something about high sticking when Ben’s nose got broken. “He drew blood! That’s a major!”



  9. Leigh Anne
    December 7, 2010 1:11 am

    Ginny,

    I LOVE you and your posts are always right on.
    But….
    It’s time to cut Ben some slack.
    He plays like a man. You know, and I know, that any other QB in the league would have been DONE with that foot and that shnoz.

    He gives a shit about this team and this town and that’s important, at the end of the day.

    I think he’s (finally) figured it out.

    Much love.
    lac



  10. Clair
    December 7, 2010 2:12 am

    can I just say in short…cuz its late…I am sitting here with the hubs reading this and he is almost falling off the bed with laughter lol. :) Made his night!!



  11. oddmanout
    December 7, 2010 2:38 am

    Ben may be a world class jackass, and whatever else they say about him, but he is one tough Mother@#$%&!!!! Say what you want about him , but I would rather have him behind the center on third down with 58 seconds to go with the game on the line! Tom “Justin Bieber” hair Brady, and Payton Manning can suck it!



  12. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    December 7, 2010 8:06 am

    @ LeighAnne (#9)- Totally agree. Maybe Ben really did take a close look at his whole life/attitude and made a real change. Can’t think of too many other QBs that would not have missed a single snap while being beat up like him (okay, maybe Favre but that is another story).



  13. Tracy in SC
    December 7, 2010 8:37 am

    ‘Gettin’ Your Freak On’? Thankfully no one else is in the office yet to hear me snort the coffee while laughing my arse off!

    I’m in agreement with everyone else about Ben being there for his team, playing through injuries that would bench so many other QBs. He should probably be cut some slack … as a QB and a Pittsburgh Steeler. That said, I believe he still needs to prove himself off the field and during the off-season that when football isn’t consuming his life.



  14. Sooska
    December 7, 2010 8:56 am

    As much as I dislike Duke on a personal level for his off-field antics and probable crimes, his pre-game ugly self manned up and his play was a thing of beauty. never expected it.

    Troysus. what can we say?



  15. LaReina
    December 7, 2010 9:14 am

    With McFadden and Gay out there acting like they’re only U.N. observers, not defenders (Oh look, another 40 yard gain! He sure can catch those passes!) it’s hard not to have 15 heart attacks per game. With Arians calling run-run-pass, run-run-pass, lather-rinse-repeat, the sun will rise in the east, it’s hard not to throw one’s footwear at the TV. Ah well, at least the league has fined the nose-breaking, concussion-causing Ravens, but it also ought to fine the officials who failed to throw the yellow flags.



  16. red pen mama
    December 7, 2010 9:24 am

    I know I am extremely sleep deprived (and a little hopped up on caffeine at the moment) but that image of the refs…. oh, man, I can’t stop laughing.

    Awesome. Just awesome. I love your spanglish. Or spanishismo. Or whatever.

    I could not *believe* that hit on Miller wasn’t flagged. I’m way behind on the news, but please, please, please tell me that Raven was hit with a fine.

    If not, Goodell is full of shit.



  17. Angry Mongo
    December 7, 2010 9:25 am

    OMG. That was great. Get rid of Chris Collinsworth and put Ginny in the booth, complete with Spanishisimo play by play.

    I’m no expert at football, but even I could tell that what Suggs did deserved a penalty. Hell,the entire world was watching the replay because it was so awesome to see Fugnocchio escape Suggs on that play.

    I think the only reason McClain got fined was because of the outrage of everyone knowing that it was totally wrong that he didn’t get a flag. Had no one said a word, I don’t think there would have been a fine for him or Ngata. Had that been Brady, Ngata would have been executed on the field.

    I think Pittsburgh needs to change its official flag to this.

    http://www.zazzle.com/official_flag_of_pittsburgh_tshirt-235243956876654920



  18. red pen mama
    December 7, 2010 9:29 am

    I will third (or fourth) the comments about Ben playing banged up. i couldn’t believe (again) that breaking the QB’s nose, even a nose as unpretty as Ben’s, didn’t warrant a roughing the passer call. But he is a tough mf’er, so I’ll give him credit for that.



  19. Butcher's Dog
    December 7, 2010 9:32 am

    Three weeks ago that would have been Jeff Reed punting. Add that to the blessings you count this season.

    Haven’t read about Ravens fines yet, but I’m thinking unemployment instead of a fine for the refs. Absolutely no excuse not to flag the Heath hit and don’t even bother trying to explain why there wasn’t a flag.

    Anyone seen any Cut-Ben, Trade-Ben signs in downtown office windows this week? Nah, I didn’t think so. And let’s please PLEASE give him an off season or two or three to show whether or not he’s really changed. Anyone man enough to stand up to the pain and pressure he’s seen on the field has the cojones to change himself off the field if he decides to do so.



  20. Lizzy
    December 7, 2010 9:50 am

    Haha – Reed’s arms in this pic remind me of TRex’s – LMAO



  21. facie
    December 7, 2010 9:56 am

    Ginny, when Sepulveda went down, I thought of you first (well, second; I felt bad for him first). I was also thinking you were going to have a field day with the effing reffing this game.

    For the love of Pete, did Heath’s head or Ben’s nose need to come off for the ref to call those penalties? I guess when you spend time getting your freak on, you miss the obvious calls.



  22. YinzerInExile
    December 7, 2010 10:03 am

    “And here’s Redman. Stopped at the five yard line. I’m angry at the world. Angry at Ben. Angry at Hines. Angry at Arians for being as predictable as a menstrual cycle.”

    This = coffee permanently lodged in my sinuses.

    As mentioned — but deserving of continued mention — I don’t think there’s another QB in the league that wouldn’t *at least* have missed a quarter, or a half. More likely, the rest of the game. That was a fabulous team effort, and an excellent football game (bizarro officiating notwithstanding).

    Although I think the Ngata nosebreak should have been a penalty, I really don’t think he deserved a fine. It looked incidental, to me, and crap like that is going to happen in the course of a physical football game (which is my own personal preference for the sport).

    It’s just sad that it doesn’t happen to Brady and Pey-Pey. :P



  23. CrashJK
    December 7, 2010 10:16 am

    When does this football non-sense end ?! Seriously…anyone notice the PENGUINS ARE TEARING UP THE NHL !?!? A CROSBY continues to be a beast, the man isn’t human….

    Life is good….Crosby is better.

    ok, the stillers did well I guess….as you were.

    Let’s Go Pens !



  24. Aileen
    December 7, 2010 10:26 am

    I’m going to this Sunday’s game with a giant sign that says BRING BACK TAGLIABUE.



  25. PA Girl in VA
    December 7, 2010 10:33 am

    “…I murder people.” Ray Lewis murder jokes never get old :o)



  26. dand
    December 7, 2010 10:59 am

    Come in people! Yinz should know by now to put down your coffee before reading the weekly WTRT.



  27. DanW
    December 7, 2010 11:01 am

    Well done Ginny. For the “gettin’ your freak on” picture, I also thought “Looks like Mike Oher needs some help protecting HIS Blind Side” would be appropriate.

    For me Ben’s season is working out just right. He’s doing all of the football things that make me love to cheer for him, and on a personal/moral level I’m encouraged that he’s repeatedly getting punched in the face.



  28. Heather
    December 7, 2010 11:08 am

    DanW, you made me LOL on both counts.

    Benny is clearly doing everything he can to work his way back into the circle of trust. He played with a lot of grit and heart on Sunday and I applaud him for that. As someone else says, I hope it stays that way in the off season.



  29. jennviolet
    December 7, 2010 11:19 am

    OMG Ginny! Laugh Out Loud hilarious! One of the best WTRT’s ever! I can’t even pick just one line! THANK YOU!



  30. unsatisfied
    December 7, 2010 11:35 am

    ray lewis’ balls = not a great band name.



  31. Scott
    December 7, 2010 11:35 am

    I’m actually impressed that this wasn’t a post devoted entirely to Sepulveda and creating yet another flash mob of female That’s Church readers at the AA battery kiosk in the local Walmart. That being said, they guy is now out for 2 consecutive seasons with the same injury, which he also had in college. Time to cut him loose and find ourselves a long term solution to the punting position.

    See ya, Sepulveda.



  32. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2010 11:55 am

    My mom hates the Ravens too. When I ask her way, she says, “I just do.” That’s a mom thing to say, isn’t it? Basically, “Because I said so.”

    The older I get, the less reason I find to hate anybody or anything. It’ll happen to you, too.

    “1st and goal. Benny avoids a sack and frantically tosses the ball away like a blind drunk working a paper route.”

    Those of you more familiar with the rules than I am can perhaps enlighten me: Is there just no such thing as “intentional grounding” anymore? Because what Ginny wrote sounds to me like the very definition of “grounding,” and if it isn’t, what is?



  33. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2010 11:56 am

    *–ask her why



  34. Sarah
    December 7, 2010 12:06 pm

    Bucdaddy-
    Intentional grounding does exist, the QB just has to be in the pocket when he throws it away to get the flag thrown–in theory, that is. That’s why Ben’s play was that much more awesome. He fought his way out of the pocket so he could throw it away with no penalty.



  35. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2010 12:49 pm

    Sarah,

    In the pocket, OK. Seems kind of weird to me, though, when at least two situations I can think of (Benny throwing it away like that, and the spike to stop the clock) are clearly throws that are not meant to be completed.



  36. Butcher's Dog
    December 7, 2010 1:20 pm

    Spike doesn’t count as intentional grounding and hasn’t for a while now. League recognizes it as a way to stop the clock. If QB is out of the pocket and gets the throw somewhere near the line of scrimmage, it also doesn’t count. Hard-core defense guys will claim these are just two more examples of the offense being coddled.



  37. Di
    December 7, 2010 1:30 pm

    Great post! And I love your grasp of spanish swear words — spot on!



  38. Erin
    December 7, 2010 2:46 pm

    Hee hee – very nice! the caption on Michael Phelps is awesome. Shudder. Also, I’m seeing a little too much of Jeff Reed in those pants, knowwhatimean?



  39. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    December 7, 2010 2:57 pm

    @Erin- yeah- thank God he didn’t tuck his shirt in!



  40. Burgh Baby
    December 7, 2010 3:15 pm

    The Rules clearly state in Chapter 198 Section 40: Thou shalt not publicly display photos of the Mr. Michael Phelps which include his face unless at least 68% of his torso is also visible. The 68% of his torso is required in order to detract from the fug that is going on above his neck.

    Tsk, tsk.

    Also, I find it hilarious that the words you know proficiently in Spanish are THOSE words. Says a little something about what David mutters under his breath most often. ;-)



  41. Annie
    December 7, 2010 3:43 pm

    @Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl – I was at the game and you are so right! Look, I think the “no means no” chant is funny and deserved, but when the Ravens fans started chanting it while Heath was down and NOT MOVING, I wanted to stab people (not unlike Ray Lewis). I also heard people complain about the length of time he was down (I particularly enjoyed “get him a tampon and get him off the field”). I wanted to scream out “It’s a head injury people! The doctors aren’t just going to let pop up.” I’d like to see how long it would take those out-of-shape drunk morons to get off the field after a hit like that. It’s Sportsmanship 101: if someone is injured, at the very least, keep your mouth shut and then clapped when the player gets up… even if that play is Ray Lewis. Stay classy Baltimore!



  42. Annie
    December 7, 2010 3:49 pm

    In other news, this was my first time at M&T Bank Stadium and it’s pretty lame. The only compliment I can give them is that the lack of Steelers fans in attendance means that their fans are at least dedicated. I was also shocked at the Raven’s fans poor football IQ. We’d hear people around us complaining about a call and I’d look at my husband and say “do they even know the rules?”



  43. rickh
    December 7, 2010 4:03 pm

    Great post Ginny. Ben “frantically tosses the ball away like a blind drunk working a paper route”. One of the best lines ever, but thanks to you my coffee mug became a neti pot. Thanks.



  44. histortweet
    December 7, 2010 5:25 pm

    Careful . . . before you go all medieval on Ray’s huevitos, remember: He’s killed once!



  45. JennyMoon
    December 7, 2010 5:27 pm

    Scott! Bite your tongue. Otherwise…hilarious comment re: AA batteries.



  46. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2010 9:22 pm

    Butcher’s Dog,

    Oh, I know the spike doesn’t count, but the intent of the spike seems counter to the spirit of the game. In essence, it’s a 30-second timeout earned through an act clearly not intended even to attempt to advance the ball, at the cost of a down, which at the point in the game when a QB would spike the ball hardly matters anyway.

    It’s not a perfect analogy, but it’s sort of like the deliberate foul at the end of a basketball game that doesn’t get called a deliberate foul. Really, ANY foul is breaking the rules, and committing one intentionally in hopes that the shooter will miss one or both free throws so you can get the ball back, again, seems to run contrary to the spirit of the game. You’re supposed to play tough defense to get the ball back, not turn a beautiful sport into a hackfest in the last two minutes when your team is behind. I’d be in favor of a rule making any foul in the last minute two shots and keep the ball.

    I don’t know what the remedy would be for spiking or what Benny did, if they’re not going to call it grounding.



  47. Pretty Unfamous
    December 7, 2010 11:25 pm

    It was a beautiful team. Couldn’t have been better for the Black and Gold since we beat the friggen Ravens! Oh wait. Yeah, it could have been better. Ben’s nose couldn’t have been broken. And if Heath wasn’t knocked out seeing stars, that would have been better, too. I think I lost my breath for a minute, hoping he’d get up, because it looked doubtful there… And no friggen penalty!!??!

    EFF THAT.

    Oh well, Steelers #1!



  48. BeauJacques
    December 8, 2010 3:09 am

    They FINALLY fucking covered!!!! gawwwd!



  49. KKinLA
    December 8, 2010 6:09 pm

    I have to say, as always, your comments capture what it means to be a Steelers fan. The stress, the nausea, the gut-wrenching angst, the perennial unhappiness with the play calling, the speaking in tongues at the TV screen, the pessimism and negativity. Ah…but isn’t it sweet when we WIN? My husband still admonishes me when I yell, “OH NO SH*T!!!!!” at any time when Ben puts the ball into the air. Some things will never change.

    But given all of that, for the first time in my life I had an almost preternatural calm about this game. We were there at M&T (with those purple-clad idiots…nuff said about those losers), and I was stressed (don’t get me wrong!), but somehow I knew the boys would get a W. Despite Hines, despite Heath, despite Ben’s foot – I just knew it would go our way!

    Soooooooper Bowl, anyone? I’m feelin’ good! (or is this surely the death knell? Should I never utter these phrases aloud?) Have I jinxed it truly this time?