Slick Roads. End of Days.

It is December. It is snowing. In Pittsburgh. Several inches.

So naturally all hell has broken loose on the local news stations. Weather forecasters huddled up to determine how to best scare the hell out of the city residents. Words like “catastrophe” and “severe weather event” and “cataclysmic snow event signaling the end of days” are thrown about.

Someone on Twitter said David Highfield was on air stomping on snow in a parking lot to show how deep it was.

Headlines are pouring in and in fairness to KDKA, the only reason they have the most headlines is because they put ALL of their videos online and easy to find, which I LOVE so much. They easily have the most thorough website of the local stations:

KDKA: Northern Counties Hit Hard by Snow

KDKA: PennDot Crews Busy in Butler.

Oh wait! I found him stomping in the parking lot!

LOL.

KDKA: Blowing Snow a Problem in Rural Westmoreland County.

KDKA: PennDot: “Watch Out for Snow Squalls.”

KDKA: Laurel Highlands Accustomed to Snow

KDKA: Salt Trucks Hit Roads in Butler County

KDKA: Snow Nothing New for Portersville Residents

KDKA: Snow Picking up in Butler County

KDKA: PennDot, Residents Gear up for Winter

WTAE: Snow Slows Some Roads, But PennDot Keeps Things Moving

WPXI: Snow Blankets Pittsburgh, Surrounding Areas

WPXI: Crews Do Good Job Keeping Cranberry Roads Clear

What I’d love to see a news reporter dare to do:

Anchor: We’re seeing some precipitation here in Pittsburgh, making for some slick traveling conditions this evening. Let’s go to Bob Buford who is live on the scene in Butler as crews prepare to treat the roads. Bob?

Bob Buford: [hits his knees in half an inch of snow with a salt truck parked behind him] Oh, dear God. What is this stuff? WHAT IS THIS FROZEN HELL FALLING FROM THE SKY?! I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s wet, but not getting me wet. Cold but not frozen. It’s white. WHITE, I TELL YOU! And they’re beautiful in a haunting kind of way. Perfect formations of cold white lace. BUT WHAT ARE THEY? A message from an alien race? What is it?! What could it be?! This has never happened before on Earth anywhere and it JUST. WON’T. STOP. It feels like the end times. ONE LANDED ON MY CHEEK! ONE LANDED ON MY CHEEK! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF! IT BURNS. [writhes on the ground, kicking frantically] I DON’T WANT TO DIE! IT BURNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnsss–.”

Anchor: Uh. We’ll check in with Bob a bit later in the newscast, now let’s take it over to Mary MooMoo who is live on the scene at a reported toilet paper shortage at the local Walgreens. Mary?

Mary: SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! [runs away screaming]

Also? Jeff Verszyla wins this week for this graphic:

God love him and his sense of humor.

(h/t Amy)





31 Comments

  1. CrashJK
    December 7, 2010 11:52 am

    Of course, Snow-Mageddon coverage would take second or third place in the news cast IF James Harrison was fined, whined about league rules or had Hines pitch a toddler like fit about something….ymmv.



  2. John
    December 7, 2010 12:21 pm

    When we moved from Irwin to Johnstown, I became amused at our family’s reaction back home to the snowfall we get up here. We’re sitting on a little under foot with another foot coming in before this is over, and my mother-in-law thinks we moved to the arctic circle or something.



  3. Jill
    December 7, 2010 12:26 pm

    We are just east of Sharon, and usually fly under the “lake effect” snow machine. Imagine our surprise to find 10 inches of snow yesterday morning. Fired up the snowblower (ok, my husband) and cleaned up the drive and headed off for the day.

    C’mon people, it is December. In the Midwest. Under the Great Lakes. Buy a shovel and cope.



  4. spoon
    December 7, 2010 12:32 pm

    You see that yinzers, they’re now telling you when to buy milk and bread. Pay attention to the TV and quit freaking out over every squall.

    That should be a desktop/iPhone/Droid app.

    What I don’t get are these ppl saying “Well after last year i’m buying a shovel now” Its been snowing every year since Pgh was established. Unless you live in an apt or living community where you have snow removal, you should own a freaking shovel and have freaking salt for your steps and sidewalk!



  5. Dan (Not Onorato)
    December 7, 2010 12:38 pm

    Jeff V’s graphic is classic!



  6. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2010 12:41 pm

    It’s nuclear fallout, people! The North Koreans finally let one fly! You really ARE all gonna die!

    (Except me. You all laughed when I dug that 10,000 square-foot fallout shelter under my house. Well, who’s laughing NOW, huh?)



  7. Michele
    December 7, 2010 12:52 pm

    I went Christmas shopping last night during the “blizzard”. It was awesome! There was nobody out there. Keep the snow coming… at least until all my shopping is done.



  8. Burghbird
    December 7, 2010 12:53 pm

    You’re welcome Ginny! As soon as I saw Jeff’s graphic, I had to pause it take a screen shot with my cell phone.

    And for the record, I DO need to buy a shovel. Moving last winter’s mountains of snow warped mine out of shape.



  9. Me
    December 7, 2010 1:12 pm

    I was laughing at the folks on WTAE this morning who were laughing at the people in Florida, their coldsnap and all of the coverage of it. Freezing temps in Florida does actually equal a NEWS story. Cold and snow in Pennsylvania in December actually does not. Yes, we need to know the forecast. No, we do not need live shots of reporters standing around saying, “yep, it’s snowing” in every corner of the viewing area. Snow is a regular occurrence in Pennsylvania in December. January and February too. Sometimes March. It’s normal. We are not into man bites dog territory here. Snow does not rise to the level of a NEWS story until we’re totally buried in it. Anything under a foot is just our weather.

    And I also don’t really need to see where they keep the salt, thank you very much. UGH!



  10. Joe K.
    December 7, 2010 1:13 pm

    Love Jeff’s scale. Hope everyone got their bread and milk.



  11. tw
    December 7, 2010 1:15 pm

    Thanks Ginny…I really needed a good laugh!!!



  12. Clementine
    December 7, 2010 1:33 pm

    I’m with Michele! Went shopping last night and found everything I was looking for in record time. No crowds, no lines, easy parking – anything up to a 7 or 8 on Jeff’s snow scale is fine by me!



  13. Clementine
    December 7, 2010 1:36 pm

    p.s. If those are David Highfield’s legs in the screencap above, they look a little… er… how shall we say? Girly?
    Dude needs to eat a cheeseburger.



  14. SusanV
    December 7, 2010 2:23 pm

    Jeff’s scale is awesome!



  15. Shibori
    December 7, 2010 3:03 pm

    Just a gentle reminder that Pennsylvania law requires you to immediately run out and purchase milk, bread, toilet paper and rock salt anytime more than a dusting of snow is predicted. The lactose and gluten intolerant and the incontinent are not exempt.



  16. Margie
    December 7, 2010 3:38 pm

    I’m in Portersville and we had 11 inches this morning, and when I got to work in Cranberry, there was maybe 2 inches – weird ass lake effect snow.



  17. Burghbird
    December 7, 2010 4:18 pm

    @Clementine- His legs might look girlie, but if you saw the snow “stomp” live on the news, it was quite manly.



  18. Butcher's Dog
    December 7, 2010 6:05 pm

    And now we’re counting consecutive hours below 32 degrees. Around 4:30 it was something like 152 and counting.

    A wise friend once observed that all weather forecasting is show biz. He was oh so right.



  19. unsatisfied
    December 7, 2010 6:23 pm

    …but, just look at them graphics! look at ’em! in HD!!!



  20. Manni
    December 7, 2010 7:09 pm

    Ginny… thank you so much for the Bob Buford news report. That literally made me laugh out loud and almost fall out of my chair!!



  21. Sooska
    December 7, 2010 8:50 pm

    Good Grief we have gotten no more than 1/2 inch in Churchill.

    I used to live in both Cambria and Westmoreland counties so I am wondering why snow on the ground in the mountains in December is “news.” Call me old school, but it is NOT news.

    Call Mindy Mathers and have her sell her stock in bread and milk and toilet paper to Jeff V.



  22. Pretty Unfamous
    December 7, 2010 11:11 pm

    Ok, so if Jeff is talking about a “2,” and we know the hell that broke out last February was a “10,” then I know it can’t be all that bad.



  23. BeauJacques
    December 8, 2010 3:07 am

    Having lived 6 winters (that’s how locals quantify it) in the Sierras, and 9 years in Vermont, I’d rank last night’s drive
    from NC thru western VA and I-77, Rt 19, I-79 to da Burgh
    as in the top 3 worst ever!!



  24. Angry Mongo
    December 8, 2010 8:40 am

    I just bought bread and milk yesterday… I don’t even watch the weather on television.

    I just needed it.



  25. Cassie
    December 8, 2010 8:48 am

    Being from Minnesota, our anchors are much more tame. They say, “You knew it was coming. Enjoy.”



  26. Butcher's Dog
    December 8, 2010 11:10 am

    Anyone else notice that the Snow Mageddon icon bears a striking resemblance to Casey Hampton? Appears to have about the same mobility as well. Just sayin’.



  27. Lisa
    December 8, 2010 1:57 pm

    I love the graphic, I think they should all adopt this as the official forcast!!!! Let it snow I say! Although I live in Butler, and let me tell you, I work in Cranberry, and at my house I have 10 inches of snow, over a foot in drifts……it is a different world up there…



  28. Anthony
    December 9, 2010 1:05 am

    Can someone please explain why we need to see a reporter standing out in the cold to tell us it is cold….WTF….are we that stupid?

    And another thing that has bothered me for awhile now….why do we need local news at 4:30 in the morning and why does it need to start at 4PM KDKA and go till 7PM and from 5pm till 6:30 on the other local stations….and don’t even get me started on the Sat and Sunday morning show of local news..that just repeats over and over again…..

    and sorry to say….G-d controls the weather not the weather folks….so give them a break.



  29. BeauJacques
    December 9, 2010 2:12 am

    @Anthony-

    What is ALWAYS the answer??

    $$$$,/b>

    Advertising on local news produces far and away the most profit for the station.

    Why soo long??

    Cuz they spend 22 of every 30 minutes saying what they aren’t telling you now, but might tell you in the next 8 minutes, but don’t, and try to get you to hold out “til 6:30”

    then @11PM,
    or, and this best-

    next Thursday at 4PM……..hahaha



  30. bucdaddy
    December 9, 2010 11:31 am

    BeauJacques nails it as usual.

    Also, they realize there is an ENTIRE CABLE CHANNEL devoted to the weather that people wil watch 24 hours straight in a hypnotic trance, so they know they can keep your attention with weather for an hour or so, just by showing you the two-degree difference between 36 place names (“Look! Delmont is on TV! Delmont, represent!”) around the region …

    Also? Seriously, it’s Pittsburgh, there just isn’t that much actual news happening on any given day. Actual news that doesn’t cost actual money to do actual in-depth reporting that would actually take more than two minutes to explain, certainly.



  31. aunt penny
    December 10, 2010 3:41 am

    cute graphic. will transfer easily to us in the north. we got 4 and over in corry they got 6.

    we’re talkin feet.

    hoping to find the x-mas decorations by easter.