Where were we?
You guys, I needed it. So much. I shut down everything. The blog. Appointments. Writing. Social events. Hair. Makeup. And it did what it was supposed to do. It was supposed to refresh me, help me gain perspective regarding the fiery curve ball December threw at us, give me time to spend with my family and my sisters, help me figure out the WTF of a sudden, never-before-experienced onset of panic/anxiety attacks.
Never in my mumble mumble years have I ever been sitting in my cozy living room, watching a movie with my husband, when suddenly my heart starts racing and a feeling of doom lays down on my shoulders with enough weight to take my breath away. I assume that’s an anxiety attack, but I didn’t want to Google my symptoms and find out I was actually coming down with tuberculosis. So I diagnosed myself with anxiety and blamed it on the jerkface fire.
I treated myself with tequila, kahlua, family, friends, food and love and those attacks have gone away almost entirely.
My hiatus in a few nutshells:
1. Used my father’s laptop to type in www.dicks.com when I wanted to find a kickass Winter Classic tassel hat. Whoops? Internet, Dicks Sporting Goods needs to change its name to something much less phallusy. Also, Woy hooked me up with the hat I wanted. This one:
It’s pretty much sold out everywhere, but search eBay for 2011 Winter Classic Penguins Tassel Hat and you might luck out.
2. Got addicted to Dexter, the Showtime series, thanks to my husband. I thought he was going to cry when Burgher Julie Benz died. If you’re going to comment that I just spoilered an episode that aired two years ago starring an actress that is no longer on the show because she has a new show, then let me also inform you that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, he sees Bruce Willis because Bruce is dead, and Jerry had her at hello. HE HAD HER AT HELLO.
3. This conversation happened when my nephew was putting contact information into my sister-in-law’s new iPhone for her:
Princess Aurora: Uncle David.
Nephew: How do you want his name put in?
Princess Aurora: [jokingly] Put it under Sexy Mexican.
Princess Aurora’s husband, sitting nearby: Sexican!
4. Watched about five hours of America’s Funniest Home Videos with my son, who has declared it his new favorite show, thanks to reruns on ABC Family.
Dear ABC Family, why do you run a commercial for the new Ashton Kutcher movie six times during AFV at 6:00 in the evening, a commercial that asks out loud and prints in big giant letters on my TV screen for my son to read, “CAN BEST FRIENDS … BE SEX FRIENDS?”
Please send my son a letter explaining what “sex friends” are ’cause this chick ain’t answering that question, ABC FAMILY, if that is indeed your real name.
5. Watched my father attempt Just Dance for Kids for Wii. Picture it. A penguin. Getting jiggy with it.
Best thing ever.
6. Discovered that the amount of frito, peanut butter, chocolate dessert I can eat before I can no longer look myself in the eye is half of a cookie sheet. Needless to say, I’m on a diet. Hard. The first phase of my diet involved coming down with the Great Pittsburgh Puke. Did anyone in your family get that? More effective than wasting disease.
7. Broke the news to my son that they haven’t invented light sabers yet. He is one sad puppy.
8. Went to the muddy, rainy wharf on New Years Day morning to watch my husband jump in the Mon with the polar bear lunatics. He said it was cold, but not unbearable. He suffered a few mysterious cuts to his hands (river piranhas?) and his skin itched until he showered. I’ll let you know when he’s admitted to the hospital with a brain-eating amoeba or tuberculosis. Reckless sexican.
Also, Reckless Sexican would make a great luchador name.
It’s good to be back!