What They’re Really Thinking: It is Hereby Resolved Edition

So, right up front, I need to tell you I turned this game off as soon as Byron Leftwich started taking snaps.

Come on. Bajillionty to three on a Sunday that I could be putting my husband to work around the house and you think I’m going to sit there on my sister’s couch and watch what became a pre-season game?

Hell no.

Prior to this game, my husband basically said this to me. Actually, not “basically;” he said it verbatim:

“If we win, we’re second seed. We lose, we could be sixth seed. [snap] Just like that.”

So I said, “So this is an important game then? Would you say we need to FOCUS on this game?”

He said, “Yeah.”

And I said, “No. I mean really say it. Say, ‘We need to FOCUS on this game.'”

And he said, “[Spanish swear words].”

And I said, “English, motherbleeper. Do you speak it?”

God bless you if you know what movie I was paying homage to there.

Moving on. About ten seconds later, I was going to tweet something along the lines of the second/sixth mumbo jumbo my husband had said, and I asked him, “So, we win, we’re two. We lose, we’re six?”

And he said, “Well. If we lose and the Jets win and the Ravens win and the virgin is indeed thrown into the volcano before the fifth new moon of harvest …”

Or some other such nonsense.

The point is, for the easiest, most painless road to the championship, it was important we beat the Browns.

Ta-da.

Why do men have to be so damn complicated, asks the woman who can make her husband’s brain explode with her complicated emotional bullshit?

Let’s talk football.

1. Can we first of all not get too excited about this win?

People on twitter were all,”WE CANNOT BE BEATEN RIGHT NOW!”

“WE ARE PLAYING THE BEST WE HAVE EVER PLAYED!”

“THERE IS NOT A TEAM IN THE NFL THAT CAN BEAT THE STEELERS RIGHT NOW!”

“WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLLLLLLLD!!!!!!”

It’s the Browns, you guys. It’s like Godzilla stepping on a ladybug and being all, “TAKE THAT, YOU POLKA DOTTED PIECE OF SHIT! I CANNOT BE DEFEATED! [lips continue moving]”

At least that’s how I view the Browns.

2. We destroyed the Browns and I’m still terrified of Tom Brady. Have you noticed that with his ever-growing hair, Tom Brady is slowly morphing into his wife? That is some seriously spooky, effed up shit. He probably wears heels and pasties to bed by now.

3. As an aside, if the Browns beat us earlier this year and I have somehow erased it from my memory, please pretend number 1 said, “SUCK IT, YOU BROWN PIECES OF SHIT! WE CANNOT BE DEFEATED!”

4. The game was off to a quick start thanks to Troysus’ interception. And we thank him for that. But what we REALLY want to talk about is another amazing Superman dive by Troysus who apparently has his own snap count angel because this dive is EYE-[clap!]-DENTICAL to another one earlier this season:

Troysus versus Colt McCoy:

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And Troysus versus Kerry Collins in week 2:

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Having Troysus healthy for the playoffs is going to be game-changing for us. Mark my words.

5. Troysus’ interception was followed by another long completion to Mike Wallace, who ran into the end zone into a sea of Steelers fans.

5. I got bored with the game by the third quarter, so I decided to kill some time by asking some of the players and coaches what their resolutions for the new year were.

6. I couldn’t get an answer out of Colt McCoy.

Poor guy.

No, really. Poor guy. I actually started feeling sorry for the kid. Sack after sack. Hurry after hurry. Interception after interception.

7. Everyone did something. A sack. An interception. Heath had a touchdown. Benny wasn’t sacked and didn’t throw an interception. Randle-El used trickery to throw a touchdown pass. And as the points were racked up to the thirties and the Cleveland Browns began to realize how badly Godzilla planned to squish the polka dotted piece of shit, they pretended like they had no clue where they were or what they were doing. They checked out mentally and waited for the sweet release of the final whistle.

So by trampling the Browns, the Steelers win the division, relieving us of having to have the virgin volcano sacrifice/harvest moon/FOCK-YOUS discussion with my husband.

Believe me, you don’t want to have that discussion.

We’re off until January 15, at which time I shall become a rocking muttering ball of sweaty pasty nerves with the strong desire to vomit.

God I love football.





22 Comments

  1. BeauJacques
    January 4, 2011 12:37 am

    Tom Brady is soo lucky he’s playing under QB-pussy rules,
    #58 Jack Lambert would’ve broken his back by now, and paid the fine.



  2. bucdaddy
    January 4, 2011 1:51 am

    2. Quite frankly, and I say this as a nearly fully heterosexual man, Brady is prettier than his wife.



  3. Sarah
    January 4, 2011 2:16 am

    @bucdaddy

    Thank you. On behalf of women everywhere who can’t say they don’t think Giselle is pretty because they will be labeled jealous you-know-whats, I thank you.

    You know Chuck Norris dresses like Troy, too.



  4. Pittsburgh Tom
    January 4, 2011 6:14 am

    I’ve always thought Brady traded down when he dropped Bridget for Giselle. After all, Bridget was the badass chick from Coyote Ugly.



  5. Greg
    January 4, 2011 6:23 am

    I thought Troy jumping over the line again was dumb. The Steelers need him healthy for the playoffs, not getting himself hurt against the Browns. Save that stuff for when it is really needed.



  6. Lisa J
    January 4, 2011 7:10 am

    “He probably wears heels and pasties to bed by now.” I can’t get past that. The mental image had me in a corner, fetal position, crying “make it stop, MAKE. IT. STOP!”. I’ll send you the bill from my shrink after the lobotomy is performed.



  7. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    January 4, 2011 8:42 am

    AAAHHHH, Ginny is back and better than ever.



  8. PG Wodehouse
    January 4, 2011 9:36 am

    So, we get a Pulp Fiction reference and the obligatory My Cousin Vinnie reference but pass up Bambi Meets Godzilla for Godzilla and a lady bug??



  9. Jessica
    January 4, 2011 9:50 am

    You should do a WTRT for the Winter Classic. I have a feeling you loved Coach Bylsma’s old-timey look as much as I did.



  10. bluzdude
    January 4, 2011 10:16 am

    Unfortunately for Troysus, Colt McCoy is a bit more agile than the ancient Kerry Collins, and got away. But it looked to me like Troy was body-surfing a wave as he rolled into the backfield.

    I’m guessing McCoy was going back to the bench in the 3rd quarter and pleading with his coaches not to make him go back out there. Dude was getting seriously abused.



  11. bucdaddy
    January 4, 2011 11:44 am

    Sarah,

    You’re welcome.

    Same can be said for a lot of what passes for high-end models today, imo. The industry quite obviously is going for some sort of exotic or odd angular face that seldom means just being pretty. Guess “pretty” is just too easy.

    Fashion mogul: “Pretty? Pfffft, lots of pretty girls around. Give me … a Brazilian!”

    Minion: “Yes, master. Ummm .. how many is a Brazilian?”



  12. Christina
    January 4, 2011 11:46 am

    “TAKE THAT, YOU POLKA DOTTED PIECE OF SHIT!”

    Ginny, dear – WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!



  13. Michelle
    January 4, 2011 1:00 pm

    No worries, Ginny, we beat the Browns the first time, too ;) My Cleveland roommate tried to pull a “But the Browns beat the Patriots, and the Patriots beat the Steelers…ipso facto…,” but I just smiled because we had already beat them, making her argument null and void. ;)



  14. Angry Mongo
    January 4, 2011 2:21 pm

    Setting the bar way high with a WTRT post, this early, can only mean one thing. We better win the Super Bowl or it’s all downhill. I mean like Pirates descent into delusions of mediocrity type of spiral.

    Loved the Jewels and the late great Lane Smith references. I fell asleep once Byron left twitch went in and got sacked. They should have put the bleeping band in by the half.

    In between ass kickings, the Steelers should have been asking the Brownies what they did to beat the Pats… cuz I’d like to know.



  15. Burghbird
    January 4, 2011 2:23 pm

    @Jessica- I loved Bylsma in the hat. I thought he was adorable before. Now I find I am starting to put him on the shelf labeled H.O.T.



  16. You Didn't hear it from me
    January 4, 2011 2:35 pm

    Ben’s engaged!



  17. MattDC
    January 4, 2011 3:30 pm

    Welcome back. I am one of the many (the aging?) who are perfectly happy to watch a rare Steeler blowout, fully expecting to be hyperventilating in the fourth quarter next weekend.



  18. Sarah
    January 4, 2011 3:33 pm

    Bylsma’s hat was amazing! Was so amazing I almost didn’t realize Sid shaved his 12 year-old cousin’s stache.



  19. Jill
    January 4, 2011 3:47 pm

    @MattDC – I’m with you on that!



  20. Miles
    January 4, 2011 3:49 pm

    While most of you had the opportunity to watch a rare Steeler blow out in it’s entirety we in NJ were only privy to the middle of the 3rd Q when CBS went to a more competitive game. Raiders vs KC. What a croc. CBS did the same thing during the Steeler win over the Raiders. I need a relaxing 4th Q except that I am sure I would get upset at the substitutes performance so maybe it’s better they did cut away so I had no vested interest. So thanks for letting me vent. So glad to have you back V.



  21. unsatisfied
    January 4, 2011 6:43 pm

    so, it appears that ben finally got a girl to say, “yes!” instead of the usual, “no!”….



  22. Robert E Hunt Jr
    January 5, 2011 10:29 am

    >> And I said, “English, motherbleeper. Do you speak it?”
    >> God bless you if you know what movie I was paying homage to there.

    Easy. Pulp Fiction.

    Scoop of vanilla, scoop of chocolate. Don’t waste my time.

    God bless you if you know what movie I was paying homage to there.