Allow me this rant.

I’m not marching through my house thumping on my chest, Burghers.

I didn’t chest bump my husband this morning when he donned his Franco Harris jersey. I didn’t even fist bump him. Not a “yeah!” nor a “woo!” escaped my lips. Seeing his jersey filled me with dread.

I haven’t once uttered the words “bring it on” since I learned the Steelers will be playing the Ravens on Saturday. I don’t relish the competition or the rivalry.

Because I’m scared.

I hate the Ravens.

Biblically. Completely. Totally. From the top of my head to the tips of my toenails. All encompassing, seething, they-might-as-well-be-called-The-Pigeons hate.

I was raised to not hate anyone. It was spoon fed to me from the time I was a child right up until college. Hate is wrong. You don’t hate anyone. You might hate what they do, but you don’t ever hate the person. I generally don’t.

But I hate Ray Lewis. I hate that stupid unhinged jaw scream he does. I hate his pre-game pep talks.

I hate their black pants. I hate their coach. His face makes me feel punchy. Literally. I would punch my kid’s Pillow Pet hard in its ladybug face if it was handy.

Beating the Ravens will be pretty much similar to beating Marian Hossa for the Stanley Cup in 2009.  I will point into Ray Lewis’ sadcakes face when it fills my TV screen as the final seconds tick by and I will scream, “HAHAHAHAH, YOU LOSE, MOTHERFRUCKER!”

But losing to the Ravens will be like losing the Super Bowl to Dallas in 1996. My normally sunny disposition toward all will be replaced with the keen desire to slushie anyone I see wearing a Ravens jersey, even if it was David Conrad.

He would be slushied hard. With actual road slush that I scooped up.

I don’t want it close. I want it 52 – 0 by halftime. I want Ray Lewis openly weeping by the third quarter. I want the mercy rule to become a thing by necessity in the fourth quarter when the scoreboard can’t handle anything above 999.

I’ll get over it if we lose, because after all, it is just a game, but not before punching many a Pillow Pet, slushie-ing many a surprised face, and posting a What They’re Really Thinking so full of the F word that my father will start protesting outside of my house while reading the Bible to me via megaphone.

And if you think this is bad, just you see what I’m like if we have to take on the Patriots.

Hell hath no fury like a Pittsburgh blogger desirous of Tom Brady’s balls on a stick.

Amen.





40 Comments

  1. JustCele
    January 10, 2011 2:31 pm

    Ah, I knew we could count on you, Ginny, to sum up all our feeilngs about the upcoming game in one succinct post!! You go, girl!!



  2. bluzdude
    January 10, 2011 2:48 pm

    If you think about it, the Ratbirds really are just larger, uglier versions of pigeons.

    Living here at Ground Zero of Ratbird country, I can say that it’s going to be an uneasy week. The natives are massing and I swear, at Friday night at 5:00, doors are going to fly open all over town and people will come rolling out of their office buildings amid clouds of smoke, to do endless variations of the Ray Lewis “Everybody Look at Me” dance.

    I feel terribly exposed every day as I cross a downtown street in my Steelers hat. I keep expecting the squeal of tires when I’m in the middle of the crosswalk. And that’s just from busses and police cars.

    I’m going to need this win, just to keep the dogs at bay.



  3. Joe
    January 10, 2011 2:55 pm

    I hear ya Ginny. I too live down here in Ratbird Land. From now on they are the Baltimore Pigeons, I like that.
    My only response as KC self destructed was “it is what it is”. Doesn’t say much, but I won’t say “bring it” or “you’re dead pigeon meat” as we all know this isn’t going to be easy.

    So far my “friends” have been quiet. I think they are a little scared too. I won’t let them know I am, but I am not going to be doing any trash talk this week.

    So here we go… It is what it is…



  4. tw
    January 10, 2011 3:03 pm

    So right there with you Ginny. It’s gonna be a scary blood bath. I would have much preferred playing the Colts and letting the Patriots play the Ravens. As my little kiddies, who aren’t allowed to swear, would say, “Oh Pickles!!!”



  5. Carrie
    January 10, 2011 3:13 pm

    I live with a Ravens’ fan – my husband! I don’t know how our marriage has lasted this long. Please pray for our house. (At least we live in Pittsburgh now!)



  6. G-Man
    January 10, 2011 3:42 pm

    Ginny, a long time ago I coined the word “sportshate” as a form of hate that’s okay to feel. It can be personal sometimes with people like Ray Lewis and Tom Brady. But you only go to purgatory for saying, “I sports hate so-and-so.”
    That said, I have considered what to do if the unthinkable happens and the Raisins win on Sunday. The Raisins may have the best chance of anyone to beat Brady-boy and Belch-ichick. And that’s a good thing.



  7. Kandi
    January 10, 2011 3:49 pm

    Ok, now this was hilarious. lol



  8. Me
    January 10, 2011 4:05 pm

    Yep. Hate those ratbird bastards! Go Steelers!

    And also, J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!



  9. LaReina
    January 10, 2011 4:19 pm

    I hate those spandex black pants they wear, too. It’s like some strange 1960s snowbunny Claudine Longet outfit.



  10. unsatisfied
    January 10, 2011 4:36 pm

    and, what’s with all the makeup they wear?

    if she were still alive, tammy faye would be proud.



  11. Dan (Not Onorato)
    January 10, 2011 4:53 pm

    Dontl ike this game eitherbut a point a clarification….I thought Bradys balls were in Gisele’s purse?

    Im jussayin



  12. Pensgirl
    January 10, 2011 4:58 pm

    Ginny, take solace in the fact that you live in Pittsburgh and not, importantly, Baltimore. My desire to win is 2/3 “GO STEELERS” and 1/3 “Ugh, I do NOT want to hear about losing to them at home for the next year….”

    I am currently working on a menu of two-and-twenty blackbirds for the game.



  13. Sunshine
    January 10, 2011 5:04 pm

    That’s church.



  14. Carpetbagger
    January 10, 2011 5:21 pm

    Don’t hate the game. Hate the playa.



  15. Butcher's Dog
    January 10, 2011 5:48 pm

    Well, if the Stillers lose we immediately switch into “Go, Pens!” mode and have hope for the next few months at the least. If the Ratbirds lose, Baltimore has…um…well, they can look forward to a few months of peace before the Orioles start play. Kinda like we win either way, right?

    Having said that, watching the Fugitives from Justice dance in our end zone will make me physically ill. Probably past the next Pens game.



  16. Old NorthSider
    January 10, 2011 5:54 pm

    So nervous that I think I am going to sell my tickets to the game, don’t think the ol’ ticker will be able to take it. Might have to go to Cupka’s where they are experienced in CPR.



  17. unsatisfied
    January 10, 2011 6:14 pm

    c’mon people!

    what’s this “if we lose” shit???

    BUCK THE FUCK UP.

    if you’re selling your tickets, let me know. I’ll go cheer for the steelers in your place.



  18. calmdahn
    January 10, 2011 6:24 pm

    Seriously, I’m with “unsatisfied” above. There ain’t no need to fret.

    WE GOT THIS.



  19. Old NorthSider
    January 10, 2011 6:25 pm

    @unsatisfied. Steelers will win but it is gonna be a tough one. I am selling my tickets though, 2 perhaps 3 tickets on Steeler sideline — email me oldnorthsider15212@gmail.com if you are serious.



  20. bucdaddy
    January 10, 2011 6:30 pm

    My mom hates the Ravens too. I ask her why, she says, “I just do.”

    “Hate” is such an ugly word to hear from your mom.



  21. jann
    January 10, 2011 6:57 pm

    Your last sentence really made me smile. And I needed that because I am 100% feeling your pain regarding those jerks from Baltimore (Isn’t Ray Lewis a murderer?)



  22. AngryMongo
    January 10, 2011 7:01 pm

    Sure, the Ravens could beat us. Sure, the Patriots could beat us. Sure, the NFC could…give us a good finger waving and possibly a run for our loose pennies. But that’s what this is all about, right?

    Stock markets could crash, ovaries could explode or shrink, and we all could do something really, really rash if we lose. But, let’s worry about rooting for the Pirates as a last resort. We aren’t there, just yet.

    Goonies…and by extension, Steelers Fans, never say die! Bring on the Ravens. I’m hungry…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsmybQKpmTw



  23. Rachel
    January 10, 2011 7:11 pm

    I agree with G-Man… if the unthinkable were to happen and we ::whispers:: lose to the rat-birds. I will pray that Ray Lewis removes Brady’s formally pretty head from his ugg wearing bottom and they go on to the Super Bowl…. where they in turn lose to whomever is playing for the NFC



  24. Bram R
    January 10, 2011 7:27 pm

    motherfrucker is hardly any kind of workaround at all.



  25. Monty
    January 10, 2011 7:52 pm

    There are more important things to get stressed out about. I want to make a difference in this world. That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.



  26. Angry Joe
    January 10, 2011 7:54 pm

    If we lose????? Really????? The Ravens defense has fallen apart since the last Steelers game. Two 90 yard 4th quarter drives to the Texans; the Bungals drove down to the 3 yard line in the last minute.

    Every one is saying the Ravens have the best chance of beating the Belicheats. They ain’t gonna get the chance. Mark it down – Steelers 24, Birdies 13!!



  27. Leenyburgh
    January 10, 2011 9:27 pm

    Well said. Thank you… I had a vicarious catharsis through your words.



  28. Matthew
    January 10, 2011 9:49 pm

    Go with mothertrucker. Much funnier.



  29. heather
    January 11, 2011 3:26 am

    Amen! my thoughts exactly. Unfortunatly I will be in Baltimore during the game for my niece’s first birthday party. Her father is a Ravens fan. I haven’t said anything yet…no pre-game trash talk. I don’t want the Steelers to lose this one, but it’s not going to be easy. I’ll wait and let it all out after the game.



  30. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    January 11, 2011 8:55 am

    I love the Steelers. But, there is always this nagging feeling during this week leading up to THE game, what if they lose? I hate the way I feel if they do, especially when all my Packer friends offer condolences. The best Saturday would be a Packer win in the afternoon followed by a Steeler blow out win in the evening. Followed by an absolutely fabulous TWRT by Ginny on Monday.



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  32. Scott
    January 11, 2011 11:05 am

    Why are all of you scared of the Ravens? Historically, we have PWNED them….

    Put on your big boy pants. This is Steeler Nation.



  33. YinzerInExile
    January 11, 2011 12:22 pm

    Can I just say (because confession is good for the soul) that while I was definitely down with the humor that would have erupted from a Ravens loss to KC, I . . . actually cheered for Baltimore this weekend.

    And here’s why: while losing to them is epic suck, the potential to beat their asses on home turf, ending–yet again–another universe misguided playoff run for them is, like, manna from heaven. I will take heavenly manna over less suck any day of the week.

    Win or lose it will be an *awesome* (likely infuriating) game (that may spell the end for my television, depending what I manage to throw at it this time around), and I feel like awesome games are numbered, given the perversely cautious state of the NFL today.

    Conversely, winning against KC–while it would have been exciting for playoff extension effect–would have been kind of ho-hum. And losing to KC might well have killed me with banality.

    So yes. Bring on the Ratbirds. And let’s *do* squash their dreams once more. Delicious.



  34. Burghbird
    January 11, 2011 12:24 pm

    While I openly hoped that the Ravens would lose on Sunday just because I “sports-hate” them (h/t G-Man) and always want to see them lose, I realized when they were winning handily that as much as it is a tense, scary week leading up to the game, there is much more fun in the trash talk and the bubbling bile involved. I don’t imagine I would see this level of emotion of the Steelers-Chiefs matchup. We, Steeler Nation, REVEL in the tension of a Ravens game. And even more, we will relish another playoff victory over them even more.



  35. Burghbird
    January 11, 2011 12:25 pm

    OMG. I think YinzerinExile and I just had a Star-Trekkian mind-meld…..



  36. YinzerInExile
    January 11, 2011 12:31 pm

    *invents mind-meld noise, makes it* :)

    Further it with the thought that, should Bert Flacco actually engineer a victory (perish the thought), I will don HEAD TO TOE PURPLE the following week and beg beg beg the gods to employ the Ravens’ coterie of stabby, murderous thugs to dispatch Lady Brady with extreme malice. Yes?



  37. KC
    January 11, 2011 7:05 pm

    Know what I really hate about the Ravens? The “font” used to print the numbers on their jersies. They are so “wimpy-frilly”. Really irritates me. We have to beat them. Can’t watch another game with those numbers.



  38. AngryMongo
    January 12, 2011 10:09 am

    This is still funny to me…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XZDzOGFXts

    “We gotta forgot about that Simba shit and focus on the Pittsburgh game!”



  39. PittinDC
    January 12, 2011 1:50 pm

    You took the words right out of my mouth. As someone who lives in Ratbird Territory as well (since most people in DC have defected from the Redskins and “adopted” the Ravens), I think that they are also a little scared. My friends that love to do some trash talking in the regular season have been super silent this week! That said, I will be on the 11 am flight on Saturday from BWI to Pittsburgh, proudly wearing my Steelers gear for all of the Ratbird fans to see! If you seen a beaten up girl arriving at Pittsburgh International around noon on Saturday, that will probably be me!



  40. Liz in Life
    January 14, 2011 11:22 pm

    Since I’m going to school in Baltimore, I have heard so much trash talk this week. I now hate Ray Lewis more than anything else. Anything. And I have refused to put any bets on this game as: a) I am too superstitious; b) because when (please, God, let it be when) we win, I will be rocking my Big Ben jersey around campus with such spirit and pride, a rat-bird fan might spontaneously combust once he sees me. But until that happens, I will have the same gut twisting, heart-pounding dread you speak of.

    Because really, reach new levels of Baltimore-hate when you spend 60 hours a week there.