What They’re Really Thinking: AFC Championship Edition

Well this was a game that probably had all of Steeler Nation using birthing breathing to calm themselves down.

Women kneeling beside grown men helping them hee-hee-hoo. Hee-hee-hoo. Hee-hee-hoo.

I spent one half of this game carrying on and high-fiving my husband, my kids, my dogs, my beer; I spent the other half yelling at everyone to SHUT THE HELL UP.

I spent one half of this game running laps in my house screaming, “Pittsburgh’s going to the Super Bowl!”; I spent the other half using evasive maneuvers against the Karma Boomerang.

I spent one half drinking beer; I spent the other half wondering if Rite Aid sells hemlock over the counter.

I spent one half euphoric, the other vomitous.

Mountaintop! Valley.

Heaven! Hell.

Epidural! C-Section without anesthesia.

Up! Down.

Smile! Puke.

Somebody stop the Opposites ride; I’d like to get off now.

Let’s talk football.

1. I told you last week that my vibes on the Steelers are usually 90% accurate. I’m not making that up. As opposed to my parents’ vibes which aren’t vibes at all and are really just pessimism wrapped up in defeatism and sprinkled with hopelessness.

True story. My mother called me in the fourth quarter.

Phone: RING! RING!

Me: “Hello?”

Mom: “Whatcha doooooin’?”

Me: “Um. Watching the game. What are you doing?”

Mom: “Oh, nothing. What’s the score?”

Me: “24-19.”

Mom: [ranting and raving and freaking out]

Me: “Aren’t you watching the game?”

Mom: [ranting and raving about how she can’t watch it because she knows they’re going to lose. SHE KNOWS IT AND–]

Me: [blink] [click]

Husband: “Who was that?”

Me: “Wrong number.”

My vibe on this game as early as last week? That we were going to win.

My vibe on the Super Bowl. I’m not telling.

2. Game warm-ups. Sanchez is loosening up and teasing his teammates at the same time.

Uncanny!

3. The first drive took almost ten minutes of the first quarter. A huge clock eater.

Benny took off running on third and long and managed to snag a first down. Hines almost has a touchdown. Mendy gets it. Bam. 7-0.

Nice. Textbook. Have a beer.

Except Maurkice Pouncey got hurt on the final play of the drive and is helped off the field where a waiting cart shuttles him out of the stadium, likely for the rest of the game.

Good thing the center isn’t that important, right, guys? RIGHT? In comes Legursky to play center, a very unimportant position. Nothing ever happens at center. Right? RIGHT?!

Excuse me. You there. Do look out for the irony anvil about to fall on your head.

4. Also in the first quarter, Mark Sanchez picks his boogers and wipes them on his teammates’ jacket in front of 54 million people.

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Tell me that doesn’t look like something you’d see two monkeys do in the zoo right before picking dead flies from each other’s butt holes.

I think I’d have preferred he had done that hold one nostril down and fire at will with the other nostril thing.

5. Second quarter, Sanders, I think it was, draws a big penalty when he’s destroyed with a late hit, to which Rex Ryan screams on the sideline, and I lipread quote, “THAT’S MOTHERBLEEPING FOOTBALL.”

No. That’s a late hit and it’s against the rules.

6. It’s 10-0 when Benny hits Heath and Sanders and Rashard and then scores himself when Mendy draws a tackler away from the action.

Everyone in the end zone freaks the hell out, except for one angry guy who paid a fortune to sit in the front row and watch his team get slowly decimated.

Two touchdowns and a field goal separate us from the Jets. We’re all breathing pretty easy, aren’t we?

Would you like to breath even easier? Wish granted! Ike Taylor forces a fumble and Gay recovers to score. 24-0.

We are breathing so easy we might as well be laying poolside on a posh resort in Hawaii using hundred dollar bills to blot our sweaty brows.

7. Before the half, the Steelers were leading by three touchdowns and a field goal and my son said, “Oh, we are SO winning this game” and being the wise one that I am, I imparted these wise words of advice to him:  “If we scored 24 points in one half, so can they, young Jedi.”

My husband got cocky on facebook.

You see the “hahaha” there?  That’s sarcasm. What he was really saying was, “We’re leading by 24-0.  This game is as good as won as long as we keep our fock-yous.”

You see what Jose said? Pretty sure that translates into, “I have one thousand dollars that says your wife punched you in the arm six times for getting too cocky and forgetting to fock-yous on the Karma Boomerang jajajajajaja.”

Yes, way. Jose.

8.  Second half.

What do you suppose happened during halftime that caused the complete switcheroo?

Body snatchers?

Threats?

Naps?

Weed?

Meth?

I guess we’ll never know. Or will we?

Whatever it was, toe sucking or maybe dirty play calling:

… whatever it was, the turnaround began with a catch by none other than the Giant Freshly Showered Penis himself, Santonio Holmes.

Who then stands up from said catch, his first of the game I believe, as his team is down twenty-one points, proceeds to signal the first down with so much dramatic flair that the Dramatic Chipmunk was all, “Really?” Santonio then stares into space. Deep into space. Deep. Deeper.

You know what? I’m going with the weed theory.

9. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to ask, “Did you really think I was going to write this post without talking about his penis?”

Also, “Was Santonio that annoying when he was a Steeler and we just didn’t realize it because the black and gold blinded us?”

Deep thoughts. I haz them.

10. While I’m lost deep in thought about his level of annoyingness, Santonio snags a pass for a 45-yard touchdown and immediately pulls his penis out and pistol-whips Steely McBeam with it in celebration.  Your recollection may vary.

11. It’s 24-10 now. I’m getting a little nervous, but I’m hanging in there. Still two touchdowns ahead.

Benny is almost intercepted on third down. I’m getting a bit more nervous.

Roughing the punter! YAY!

Interception! NOOOOOOOOO! A squirrel has burrowed into my heart and is punching my important heart-regulating nerves.

Goal line stand! No points!

Steeler Nation is in a frenzy! People are live-tweeting their goal-line-stand-induced orgasms!

I’m tweeting the words “MOMENTUM SHIFTER!” And then.

12. What’s this? The center is important, you say? The irony anvil I dropped up there has come crashing down upon your head, you say? Legursky screwed something up in the end zone, you say?

SAFETY, YOU SAY?!?!?!

Hellfire and damnation are upon us.

I can hear my mother punching hand-sewn pillows a mile away.

People are bursting into flames.

Don’t be alarmed. I bet that happens every time the Duke walks into a church.

Ba-ba-BAH! Try the veal!

13.  I take a moment to pray and BAM! 24-19.

I cast a scolding look heavenward and then say to myself, “HEY! Has anyone seen Troysus?!”

Oh, there he is. Practicing his boyband moves.

If you don’t recognize that song and those exact coordinating dance moves, you can get yourself off my lawn before I wipe my ancient boogers on you.

Troysus. Super Bowl. Be there? Or do we need to replace you with this?

14. Third and 6. Less than two minutes on the clock. We need a first down like Troysus needs a resurrection. Bad.

Benny scrambles. I hold my breath. My husband lets out a primal scream. My mother probably covers her eyes. My father has no clue about anything as he’s locked in a dark room at an undisclosed location. Time stands still. We just need a first down and this game is ours. First down, game is over. Fourth down, Jets have time to win. Heaven. Hell. Up. Down. We’re either going to explode with joy or fling ourselves from bridges while holding irony anvils.

Ball … thrown … to … to?

15. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking for this special announcement.

This dude’s first name is D’Brickashaw:

16. …  RANDOM DUDE NAMED BROWN!

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Two weeks in a row we’re saved by a guy whose face I have never seen.

Benny kneels and the full magnitude of what has happened finally hits Mendy.

You’re going to the Super Bowl, Mendy! What are you going to do now?!

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18. Steelers win.

Pittsburgh’s going to the Super Bowl.

Here we go.





53 Comments


  1. Guins29
    January 24, 2011 10:40 pm

    LOVE!!!



  2. Ya Jagoff
    January 24, 2011 10:42 pm

    As for #4, I am so glad that Sanchez had enuff class to NOT use the “one nostril air-kleenex” on him!!

    First half, we ate like the gluttons in Caligula – parties and indescretion all around. Thought we were gonna run outta food.

    Second half, youda thought someone said they saw a stink bug in every bowl.. nobody ate and everyone had puke in the back of their throat.

    Nice REACAP…and such a fast turnaround too!!!!



  3. Amy
    January 24, 2011 10:42 pm

    Almost first! OK- laughing hysterically at #7. You Rock, the Stillers Rock and WE’RE GOING TO THE BOWL THAT IS SUPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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  5. Pensgirl
    January 24, 2011 11:01 pm

    I’m convinced the Steelers deliberately create drama in all of their games just so it becomes old hat and nobody cares when it happens in the playoffs.

    (By “nobody,” I mean “among players and coaches.”)

    The Steelers remind me more of Lucy van Pelt every week…they seem to have a thing for giving the other guys hope and then yanking it away from them at the last second.



  6. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    January 24, 2011 11:04 pm

    Excellent. During the second half, I updated my facebook status begging the Steelers to do away with the drama. They didn’t listen.



  7. Aileen
    January 24, 2011 11:11 pm

    Good Lord, I thought I was the only one who had motion sickness during that game…



  8. Leslie in Dayton
    January 24, 2011 11:39 pm

    I have to say my favorite part is the Keisel and Woodley Awkward Kung Fu Moves. I always wondered what those looked like!



  9. Shannon
    January 24, 2011 11:48 pm

    I called US Air at halftime to get prices on flights to Dallas, she said I was about the 8th person in the past half hour to call! LOL



  10. BeauJacques
    January 24, 2011 11:49 pm

    Motion sickness?

    I had the 2 large already spent at the half!! :-)



  11. bluzdude
    January 25, 2011 12:17 am

    After the goal line stand, I stood and hollered, “Now, NO SAFETIES THIS TIME!” I ran to the computer and tweeted, “Now, NO SAFETIES!” Then I went to have a quick pee. By the time I came out? Safety.

    I’m starting to think that loudly acknowledging the elephant in the room is not foolproof.



  12. USCMike
    January 25, 2011 12:25 am

    Seriously? The Steelers should team up with the Tums and Maalox folks because I’m eating them every game now. They should just hand out sample packs when you walk into Heinz Field…

    Against the Ravens we needed them in the first half and yesterday, I about gave up on chewing my nails and just went with a bunch of Tums Ultra to get through the second half.

    With this much drama, they should be up for an Oscar or something, but it’s killing my stomach lining!!

    Please Myron, speak to this team from above and tell them to play well in all 4 quarters in Dallas and spare us the indigestion already!!



  13. STLRfaninSC
    January 25, 2011 12:45 am

    I love your blog so much that when Antonio Brown caught that pass I actually stood up screaming at the tv “RANDOM DUDE NAMED BROWN! YOU GO RANDOM DUDE NAMED BROWN!” The sad thing is, that’s completely true.

    I vote that his name on his jersey should officially changed to that. Makes him an individual.

    Anyway, I love your blog. It makes me miss my hometown even more.



  14. bucdaddy
    January 25, 2011 2:24 am

    Did the Steelers do something?



  15. YinzerInExile
    January 25, 2011 7:40 am

    That. Was. EXCELLENT. The penalty for exaggeration of Giant Freshly Showered Penis size made my morning.

    I would so love to get through one stinking game this season without having to call my mother, or receive a call from my mother, the specific intent of said phone call being for one or both of us to scream loudly that we are, at that very moment, on the verge of vomiting. I’d like to twirl my towel, rather than hide from it. And I’d really love to only shovel potato chips into my mouth because they are delicious and I am having a good time, and not because I desperately need something between my gnashing teeth, lest I break them.



  16. YinzerInExile
    January 25, 2011 7:41 am

    And that would be “hide *behind* my towel” not from it. Though it may actually come to that in 2 weeks.



  17. cheryl
    January 25, 2011 8:02 am

    I love you woman!



  18. BeauJacques
    January 25, 2011 8:18 am

    At the risk of being accused of shameless sucking-up, (which I am capable of, but this truly isn’t,) this post should be nominated for a Blog-Pulitzer!! :-)



  19. AngryMongo
    January 25, 2011 8:45 am

    YAY! Probably everyone sent you the video for Mendenhump…. although, YouTube yanked the random Brown video… boo hiss.

    I can’t take anymore of these games….



  20. Magnus Patris
    January 25, 2011 9:25 am

    You think if Sanchez would have wiped his booger on his teammate AFTER the game, he’d have beat the (rest of the) snot out of him? I hope all the Jets left him a sticky surprise on his suit jacket.



  21. gunnlino
    January 25, 2011 9:35 am

    Thank you once more for eloquence in writing skills. To say your typing skills are superior is an understatement.
    “A huge clock eater ” might have been a disaster.



  22. mis
    January 25, 2011 9:36 am

    Love!
    Especially the “this happens every time he walks into a church”.



  23. Kacie
    January 25, 2011 9:59 am

    I know what happened at half time. Jeff Reed was somewhere putting a hex on things! With his farts, if I remember right.



  24. FireMom
    January 25, 2011 10:24 am

    Holmes was always that annoying. Ohio State, for the fail.

    I called the safety before it happened. My husband just looked at me when it did. He said I jinxed them. Uhm, apologies?



  25. JustCele
    January 25, 2011 10:43 am

    Fabulous once again! One question – what’s with the Wiz Khalifa song “Black and Yellow”??? The correct colors are black and gold as any true Pittsburgher knows and we don’t need any rapper guy trying to change the colors just to make some rhymes! That’s got to be a jinx-able offense and we don’t need any jinxes on the Steelers right now.



  26. Butcher's Dog
    January 25, 2011 10:46 am

    Once more, bucdaddy wins, IMHO.

    Green Bay’s better than either of the two we’ve beaten since Cleveland’s season officially ended, in case no one’s paying attention.

    Trash talk from the NFC game, fan-division: Q: What do you call a 400-pound Packers fan? A: Anorexic.

    Two weeks to get our breathing back to normal before we do this again. Meantime, Go, Pens!



  27. Norm
    January 25, 2011 11:08 am

    Good summery but don’t hate on Legursky. It’s not his fault he has to play every position on the offensive line. You are quick to forget he came in and helped clear the path for the touchdown early in the game.



  28. facie
    January 25, 2011 11:39 am

    Mendenhump? Good one, AngryMongo!

    As soon as I saw Mendy humping Ben, I thought of you, Ginny. I would have loved to have been in the room when you saw that.

    But no mention of Ben after the game when he was kissing the ground, praying or doing Lord knows what? It is hard for me not to say something sarcastic after seeing that, but I am still in the “all is right in the world” (or at least the nation, Steeler Nation) mode.



  29. AngryMongo
    January 25, 2011 11:52 am

    @ facie “But no mention of Ben after the game when he was kissing the ground”

    Maybe it was consentual…



  30. Gina
    January 25, 2011 12:04 pm

    What if I didn’t recognize the song and dance moves, not because I’m too young, but because I’m TOO OLD? GAH!



  31. CrashJK
    January 25, 2011 12:08 pm

    Getting dry humped by Mendenhall and then kneeling and praying (?) with the football after the game….Bwahahahahaha…what a dichotomy of events for the guy…..next thing Terry Bradshaw will be interviewing him and praising him for his “turn around”….slick marketing if you can find it…

    Let’s Go Pens (w/out 87, 71, …just add all the nos. you want)….



  32. Aileen
    January 25, 2011 12:08 pm

    What happened to the Mendenhall humping Ben video? (Football porn!)

    Can you imagine if the Jets went on to win the Super Bowl? Here’s Roger Goodell handing QB Mark Sanchez the Lombardi Trophy – which now has a booger on it. Ick.



  33. don
    January 25, 2011 12:13 pm

    Maybe all you Ben haters should start rooting for another team. The man is going to be here and leading this team for another 5 years or more.



  34. Lee
    January 25, 2011 12:18 pm

    “Don’t be alarmed. I bet that happens every time the Duke walks into a church.

    Ba-ba-BAH! Try the veal!”

    Perfection. Love it.



  35. Monty
    January 25, 2011 12:24 pm

    Don — An average adult brain can handle a certain amount of cognitive dissonance without imploding.



  36. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    January 25, 2011 12:26 pm

    Ginny- is that just a little, tiny bit of love given to Ben at the end of the post? Maybe just a hint????



  37. eileen
    January 25, 2011 12:54 pm

    Did you read Gene Collier’s piece about Antonio Brown on Sunday. Good Lord it tore at the heart strings.

    http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11023/1119862-66.stm?cmpid=MOSTEMAILEDBOX#ixzz1BtDg8aCr

    He was homeless and on draft day, didn’t have a place to watch the draft to see if he was drafted.

    A few months later this 22 year old is playing in the superbowl!!! GOOD FOR HIM!



  38. Just A Simple Man
    January 25, 2011 1:11 pm

    Ginny you need to find the video of Guy Junker interviewing Antonio Brown and Emanuel Sanders…. I could not find it on the WTAE website but since your pals with Sally W maybe she could help.
    Your lady readers will be happy campers if you post it.



  39. Kathy
    January 25, 2011 1:17 pm

    I love you.

    Oh, and i’m not too old, but football + boy band = cognitive dissonance. okay, not really. I just whipped out my two pairs of socks to wear together. And the aquanet.



  40. burgher-licious
    January 25, 2011 1:19 pm

    Did anyone see the brief glimpse of Santonio at the end of the game “boo-hooing” on the bench. It was but a flicker, but none-the-less satisfying. I tried to find something on the internet and was unsuccessful.



  41. Joe K.
    January 25, 2011 1:29 pm

    Ginny perhaps your best WTRT yet.

    #9. Yes Santonio has always been that annoying. If you remember in SB 43, before the TD he had a catch during the drive to get a first down, and got up to do much celebrating even though they were still over 40 yards from the endzone, and I was like ‘get back in the huddle and line up you dip****.’ And he did the Lebron magic sprinkle thing after the TD catch. I for one was never bothered by him leaving this year.



  42. unsatisfied
    January 25, 2011 1:42 pm

    I have a cousin who has a friend who has a bro who has a stepdad who has access to the jets playbook.

    “double booger dirty sanchez to tone” is actually in it.

    as for me, I’m still trying to defrost. dayyy-amn, that was cold.



  43. Butcher's Dog
    January 25, 2011 2:11 pm

    The one teensy-weensy drawback to this success is that it means two more weeks of more Steely McBeam than Iceburg.

    Just proves that every silver lining has a dark cloud somewhere nearby.



  44. KKinLA
    January 25, 2011 2:28 pm

    OMG. One reason (among the many) why I love this blog is because you so accurately describe the eternal hellfire and brimstone that one experiences during the viewing of a Steelers’ game. I don’t care if the score is 967-3, I’m still in the fetal position, rocking side-to-side, praying for it to be (victoriously) over, so that I can resuscitate my heart, learn how to breathe all over again, and return to solid foods. I too admonished my husband to “shut the $$$$ up and stop being so g-d cocky!!!!” during the first half, knowing all too well that even the most remote of positive thoughts would end up biting us in the a$$!

    On to Dallas. Channeling good mojo from the 70s to carry us on to victory!



  45. Christa
    January 25, 2011 2:35 pm

    I totally made my husband rewind and watch the booger incident a couple of times when I saw it happen.



  46. Kathy
    January 25, 2011 2:37 pm

    Our beloved Steelers… NOT 60 minute men. Someone tell them that they have to play ALL SIXTY MINUTES of every game.



  47. Kim
    January 25, 2011 3:01 pm

    DO NOT even JOKE about birthing breathing!

    On Super Bowl Sunday I will be 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Almost 2 years ago my son was born at 38 weeks and 4 days (although with him that didn’t come until a month after the Steelers won their 6th Super Bowl). Pair that with the unfortunate karma that a play I wrote (performed at Future Tenant during the Pittsburgh 250 year) revolved around a pregnant woman not being able to see the end of Super Bowl XL because she was that far into labor.

    All I want is for this baby girl to wait until AFTER the Super Bowl. (And for her to be healthy and cute, blah, blah, blah.) If I’m in labor during the game I guarantee you that I will labor at home as long as is at all prudent and probably a few downs after that. And I’m going to try to borrow one of those little TV’s just in case I need to take it with me. I do not want to miss this game!

    It’s a good thing that the Bears didn’t win; otherwise, I’m sure I’d have a hard time getting a last minute babysitter in the city of Chicago to care for my Hines Ward jersey-wearing toddler while my husband and I (in Farrior and Polamalu jerseys respectively) rush to the hospital.

    So, please, no more birthing similes unless they don’t start in earnest until the presentation of Pittsburgh’s 7th Lombardi Trophy.

    Go Steelers!



  48. AngryMongo
    January 25, 2011 3:13 pm

    @Kim congrats… are you going to name her

    Paula Malu
    :)



  49. Kim
    January 25, 2011 3:33 pm

    @AngryMongo

    Very clever! We have a name picked out, but if forced I am experiencing the hormonal overload of having both given birth and (fingers crossed, knock on wood, kill a chicken) witnessing a Steelers Super Bowl victory who knows what may come out of my mouth when they ask about the name.



  50. PittinDC
    January 25, 2011 5:10 pm

    I kept yelling at my non-Steelers fan husband that he was jinxing the Steelers with everything he did. During the Ravens game, I was in Pittsburgh at my parents’ house, so I wasn’t drinking or on the computer/phone, so I had decided that I couldn’t do those things during the Jets game either, even though I wasn’t in Pittsburgh anymore. He was drinking a beer and tweeting away on his phone, and I kept yelling at him that he was ruining everything. After the safety I may have even told him that if the Steelers lost, I was blaming him for everything, before quickly taking it back. It’s amazing he didn’t divorce me.. but we were dating during the last two SB victories, so I guess he’s used to it!!!

    Also, @Kim – good luck!!!