The Tuesday before the Super Bowl is Media Day, and that means … SHENANIGANS! TOMFOOLERY! PEOPLE IN SUPER HERO COSTUMES! HIJINKS!
And a super long What They’re Really Thinking: Media Day Edition.
Enjoy it, Burghers, because this may be the last one of the season if those kids don’t get their ten thousand dollars. WHERE’S YOUR GOD, NOW?!
Hee. I kid.
But no, really. No WTRT: Super Bowl Edition unless we hit $10,000 on Monday.
I bet if you count your change up, you have three dollars you can give us? Yes? Please?
Let’s talk tomfoolery. Shenanigans! Hijinks! People in — ah, you get the picture.
1. Going back to Monday, which was travel day, the Steelers arrived in style, particularly Hines Ward, who takes Texas srsly.
Well dill my pickle.
2. Also on arrival day, it became evidently clear that Brett Keisel’s transformation into a garden gnome is almost complete.
Luckily, Brett resurfaced in his normal size after drinking Embiggen. The new energy drink.
3. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to say: If Viagra ever makes an energy drink, they should call it Embiggen.
Thank you, Hines. You don’t have to try so hard.
4. The next day dawned and the players prepped to face the media for relentless questioning.
That man in the background is either the badassest badass that ever badassed, or he’s escaped from the hospital. Who can know?
5. Brett Keisel’s beard was of course the talk of media day, because it is astounding. He began entertaining the media by pulling random things from its scraggly depths:
The most amazing thing? That’s a JUMP ROPE he’s pulling out of there! AND IT’S WRAPPED AROUND A BUICK.
6. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to say SQUEEE! TYLER GRISHAM!
Me gusta mucho very muchisimo!
7. Maurkice Pouncey spent the day trying to convince reporters he has a “75% chance” of playing on Sunday.
You guys, if he ends up playing, I will eat my hat. I will EAT IT and I will tape myself eating it and I will post it on YouTube. Me. Eating my hat. Nom.
8. Penalty-prone Chris Kemoeatu was kind enough to be a walking public service announcement warning of the dangers of what could happen if you too were to let a rabid gopher cut your hair. With its teeth.
Apparently someone said, ‘There will never be hair worse than the Mullethawkenberger” and Chris said, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.”
9. It can be a bit daunting on Media Day if you’re a female sports reporter caught up in a tsunami of testosterone and Axe spray. You have to maintain your cool. Be professional. Show you know your football just as well as the men do. Earn their respect.
Like Mexican television reporter Ines Sainz, the woman the Jets got in trouble for cat-calling and whatnot in their locker room. She doesn’t want attention. Not at all.
Unfortunately, her attempt at blending in failed miserably.
Benny almost had an aneurysm, I heard.
Poor poor Ines Sainz. I do not know how she bears that cross.
10. Jason Worilds spent the day doing anything to get reporters to pay attention to him.
I smell desperation. And Axe.
I’m kidding! Don’t email me mean letters.
11. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to say: If Axe makes an energy drink, they should call it Desesperado.
Okay, Hines. That’s quite enough.
12. Finally, I would just like to say in my defense about the fact that I didn’t know who the hell Random Dude Named Brown was up until last week, some of his teammates still aren’t sure who he is.
I rest my case.
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