What They’re Really Thinking: Super Bowl XLV Edition

SPOILER ALERT: We lose.

If drinking Arbor Mist Sangria Zinfandel while writing What They’re Really Thinking at one o’clock in the afternoon the Monday after the Steelers lose the Super Bowl is wrong … I really don’t give a crap.

As a wise man once almost said, “Zero percent fruit juice, bitches.”

So, tell me, what did YOUR family do when the final seconds ticked down on yesterday’s game? Did they scream? Pout? Cry? Groan? Sit in stunned silence?

My family, with Terrible Towels over our faces, bellies full of wings and chipped chopped ham (srsly), watched the clock hit zero, at which time my nephew burst into tears and then the rest of stood up, looked at each other in silence, and began furiously cleaning the house like the President of the United States was stopping by for a visit.

Dishes were quickly carried away, tidy up this, tidy up that, scrub that, repaint that, reaarange that, hey, someone go in the bathrooms and clean the soap scum off the bars of soap.

I guess we’re stress cleaners. Or de-stress cleaners.

Either way, my sister’s house in Wexfordshire was president-ready by the time the couple dozen people left her house to go home and grief-puke.

Grief-puke. It’s totally a thing.

Let’s talk football?

1. The big news prior to kickoff was the fact that the Stadium basically oversold the game. I guess they took a hint from the airlines and hoped maybe 900 people would decide not to attend the Super Bowl?

Other things I heard:

  • That 9,000 people were without seats.
  • That the fire marshall declared seats unsafe.
  • That Jerry Jones got into a fight with the contractor the morning of the game, and the contractor walked out, thus never completing the seats.
  • That people began peeing upon each other.

Gotta love twitter.

Let’s see what Jerry Jones has to say about this debacle.

Stab.

2. We interrupt this WTRT to inform you that the official caption on this Getty Images photo is “Atmosphere at Hooters during the broadcast of Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011 in New York City.”

Is “atmosphere” how the kids are saying “boobs” these days?

Check out the atmosphere on that babe.

Also, somewhere, the lady from Sit and Be Fit is looking at that girl’s pantyhose, socks, and shoes and is all, “Bitch stole my look!”

3. The game kicked off with Wexford’s own Christina Aguilera’s extra special rendition of The Star Spangled Banner: Now With More Cowbell.

Let’s listen:

Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Let’s fast forward.

Hee. Couldn’t NOT take a dig at the former President of US Americans could I?

4. It was all downhill from there. Then it was a little uphill. Then the gates of hell opened up and swallowed a screaming Steeler Nation.

Ish.

We’re going to keep this general, because I’d much rather not get into the grim specifics.

I mean, you get run over by a car and you don’t want the doctor to be all, “Your brain is damaged. Your throat collapsed. Your lungs did too. You broke some ribs. Some legs. You lost your big toe. You –” I’d much rather hear, “Girl. You screwed.”

So consider this a very general, “Ew. We sucked.” kinda recap.

5. The turnovers are what did us in. You can’t turn the ball over three times in the Super Bowl, and allow 21 points to be scored off of those turnovers, and expect to leave the stadium as winners.

That’s against the laws of Football, which state, “The team who turns over the ball zero times will always beat the team that turns over the ball three times.”

That’s in Amos. Where all the Football laws are.

Amen.

6. Shaun Suisham missed a 52-yard-field goal.

Which is forgivable on account of how long that is and because it ended up not mattering in the end.

Had it mattered? Not even Hines would have found a way to smile about it.

7. How many times did you say it? I said it and tweeted it and prayed it.

Where is Troy?

It’s time for Troy.

Troy owes us.

Troy is going to come through for us.

Troysus will save us, Amen?

Except he didn’t. Again. Three or four games now where we haven’t seen any heroics from Troy, leaving us to ask, “What’s wrong with Troy? What medical condition is he suffering from?”

Migraines?

Bruised donkey omelets?

Narcolepsy?

Zombie-ism?

Constipation?

Acute constipation?

What Troysus?! What is your Kryptonite?!

I love you, but I miss you.

8. We interrupt this WTRT to gaze upon this Packers fan wearing a cheesehead, wearing a Packers fan, wearing a cheesehead, wearing a cheesehead.

How meta.

9. Halftime show.

HOT MESS OF BLOVIATED SELF-IMPORTANT POOP.

I’d rather watch the Sit and Be Fit lady lead a bunch of the drooling elderly in chair exercises than listen to that poorly delivered seizure-inducing cornucopia of musical vomit and discordance.

Not that I’m bitter.

10. Down 21-3, we managed to go into the half only down 21-11, I think it was. I’m not going to confirm that because who gives a rat’s ass?

Not me. But that might be the zero percent fruit juice talking.

Thanks to some nice plays by Ward and maybe one by Heath? I think I saw Heath make a catch. And a few good catches by Randle-El and Wallace and a two-point conversion gift from the football gods, the Steelers managed to fight their way back to a 28-25 game after Coach used every trick in his Book of Badassitude.

The Stare.

The Lasers.

The Miyagi-Do:

Holding the Packers to a field goal late in the fourth quarter meant a 31-25 game with two minutes for Benny to march the team down the field to win it with a touchdown.

It has happened before; it can happen again.

Ish.

Fourth and five just like that.

4th. And five.

First down or go home as losers.

Benny addresses Steeler Nation in this our hour of terror.

Wearing Canadiens gear to a football game in Dallas between the Steelers and the Packers? Kill them with fire, indeed.

An aside: Arbor Mist apparently makes me very violent and desirous of seeing people killed with fire.

Benny lets loose the ball heading toward Mike Wallace.  Half of us in my sister’s house hold our breaths and the other half cover their eyes, planning to learn the outcome of the throw by either the screams of joy or the stunned silence of being sucked down into hell.

Hell it is.

Confetti hell raining down on the Steelers and Aaron Rodgers.

It’s just confetti, Aaron.

The thing is this. It wasn’t that we were terrible; we just weren’t good enough. The Packers took advantage of our mistakes and we couldn’t come up with the antidote to whatever disease of mojo it was that was causing us to play flat.

No miracles.

No hail Mary.

No Jedi magic.

No gift from the ghost of Myron Cope.

Just poop.

But playing like poop in the Super Bowl is better than not playing in the Super Bowl. Like poop.

Or something.

Ah, screw it.





72 Comments


  1. facie
    February 8, 2011 10:35 am

    As soon as Christina screwed up the words to the NA, I had a feeling, and not a good one. If she had waved a Terrible Towel after, then I would have known for sure we were going to lose and could have saved myself some hope and optimism.

    We have six. That is what I keep telling myself, and it helps. But I was really hoping that Randel El was going to get the MVP. Or any Steeler.

    Hopefully Crosby gets back on the ice soon.



  2. Bethany
    February 8, 2011 10:39 am

    @Dave – I think the answer is yes! As soon as the confetti started raining down, I started tidying. And washing dishing. And folding the laundry that had sat in the dryer throughout the game. I live in the UK, so it was well past 3am at this point…

    Ginny – WTRT never fails to elicit a chuckle or 10! And I need those considering my English colleagues, who know nothing about football, have all decided they’re Packers fans following Sunday’s game. Wonderful.



  3. Cindy T.
    February 8, 2011 11:37 am

    Hilarious as usual. No cleaning. Just went to bed and hugged my pillow. Sob. I really thought they were going to pull the win off. Wishful thinking I guess. I kept screaming we may be down but we’re never out (pretty much the whole game). @BeauJacques I snorted coffee when I read your bookie line. Good one.



  4. JennyMoon
    February 8, 2011 12:43 pm

    Political Party Pooper….nicely done.



  5. TripleC
    February 8, 2011 1:00 pm

    boring



  6. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    February 8, 2011 1:10 pm

    @ Dave- I have to admit that I too starting cleaning up when that pass on 4th and 5 was missed. Except real burghers call it “redding” up. I just couldn’t bear to watch the Pack celebrate. And Ginny- you are the best. You managed to brighten up a very gloomy Monday.



  7. Bulldog
    February 8, 2011 1:41 pm

    This place was just what I needed to cap the season. Thanks to Ginny and everyone else for the boost.

    @Noelle – so sorry to hear about your cat. Condolences.



  8. Joe K.
    February 8, 2011 1:42 pm

    Sigh. I should have known it would be a bad day when first thing Sunday morning I saw Malkin out for the year.

    I didn’t hate the halftime show like other people seemed to. I liked the people in the glow suits.



  9. Mary
    February 8, 2011 1:43 pm

    The real win? Look at that thermometer graphic for Make Room for Kids!



  10. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    February 8, 2011 1:52 pm

    The mess-up on the National Anthem was just one bad omen for me that started an avalanche for me. Right after her performance, though, I received a text alert that my flight back on Monday was cancelled and that I was rebooked to travel Tuesday. Then, in the middle of the second quarter, some crazy Ravens fan steals my Terrible Towel out of my pocket as I was returning to my seats from the restroom. Two Packers fans joined me in chasing him down and getting it back. In the fourth quarter, the margarita vendor gets bumped by someone going up the aisle and I get a margarita bath, but I shake that off because we then scored, got the two points and as I was heading to the restroom to wash the margaritas off of my face, I get to fist bump with Snoop Dog (he was sitting a few rows ahead of me in the first row of the section). It was still an awesome trip, though.

    This column brightened my day.



  11. Jen
    February 8, 2011 3:05 pm

    Laughing through my tears because your description of everyone rushing to clean up after the game? EXACTLY what happened in our house. HA

    I miss Troy.



  12. Sooska
    February 8, 2011 3:17 pm

    Great post Ginny. Somehow I missed the Canadiens fans. weird, and totally a whole damn lot of jersey fouls there.

    We had a bad day and Green Bay didn’t. On the whole, we didn’t lose to the Cryboys, Belicheat, Al Davis, or the Ravens & that’s good.

    A good Pittsburgh boy or two, and a couple of my favorite former Steelers won the Lombardi for a class organization, so the universe isn’t out of sync, and I am OK with that.

    We’ll get ’em next year. Let’s Go Pens.



  13. Dave
    February 8, 2011 3:55 pm

    @#1 WI Steeler Fan Meant to type Redd up but have been out of the Burgh for so long it tends to slip my mind.

    I keep rereading this and between the lasers and the look on Ben and Tomlin’s face when Xtina was singing, I can’t stop laughing.



  14. Aileen
    February 8, 2011 3:56 pm

    Ex Pat Pitt Girl:
    I’m glad you got your Terrible Towel back instead of letting it fall into enemy hands.

    I’m not an expert on birds, but isn’t a raven basically the same thing as a pigeon? They’re both vile.



  15. Me
    February 8, 2011 3:58 pm

    As I sit curled up in a ball rocking, I just keep repeating to myself so that maybe I’ll start to really believe it — “I’m happy for Mike McCarthy, I’m happy for Mike McCarthy…”

    There’s always next year. And, it’s better to have played in the Super Bowl and lost, then to have blown a 21 point lead at halftime in the divisional round and not played in the Super Bowl at all. (Suck it Ravens fans.)

    @Noelle, so sorry about your cat. That’s the hard part of being a pet owner. To have lived to be 19, though, I’m sure your cat had a very nice life with you.



  16. Donna Jones
    February 8, 2011 10:53 pm

    I’ll admit I’m in a funk. It’ll probably take a few more days for me to work through it. It’s not because the Steelers lost, it’s because of how they played. The scratched and clawed the entire season to overcome so many obstacles…why not the last game?
    Having said that, as a Steelers fanatic, I am so proud of how from the start of the season and throughout it, they had to work hard individually and as a team to get to the Super Bowl!!! How many people projected that their season would end with 8-8 or 9-7 and never see the Super Bowl this year?
    I will be a Steelers fan until I die….no matter their win/loss numbers. I love the Rooney philosophy, the organization’s integrity, the passion, loyalty, love, positive energy and hope that the Steeler Nation has for their team. We’re die-hards! I love that the Steelers typically play hard and don’t give up until the game is over and that they respect, love and appreciate their fans.
    They might have lost the game on Feb 6th, but they are number one to the Steeler Nation….we stand by them with pride and respect and know that they’ll be back and go after # 7 next season.



  17. GJ
    February 9, 2011 12:14 am

    Jus lovely. I cried till I laughed.



  18. AngryMongo
    February 9, 2011 12:19 am

    Aguilera looked like Lauper sounded like Enrico Pallazo.



  19. Dan (Not Onorato)
    February 9, 2011 11:05 am

    Good post Ginny.

    We’ll move on…although when I come across recaps of Super Bowl 30 against the Cowboys I still have to watch it in case they win this time…

    We lost to a good team with some local ties. Its not the end of the world and if it is to some folks, follow Bens advice…the bridge is that way…that way I can move up in the season ticket line! HA!



  20. Kayaker
    February 10, 2011 12:02 pm

    I would propose that the 2011 Superbowl be renamed the Toliet Bowl- where one traditionally goes to poop and/or vomit.

    I still love them.

    Christina brought tears to my eyes / for all the wrong reasons too



  21. MattDC
    February 10, 2011 3:47 pm

    Thanks, Ginny, for a year of great wrap-ups, win or lose. It’s nice to have the Super bowl matter so much every couple of years. Losing one now and then isn’t the end of the world. Losing four in a row, like Buffalo. . . well, that is the end of the world.
    @ politicalpartypooper – Classy and well stated. Thanks. Now comes the hard part — making it back to the big game repeatedly in the era of parity. Get back to us on how that works out.



  22. GreenAndYellow
    February 24, 2011 2:41 am

    I only read a few of the comments but reading about how depressed those people were after the game really boosted my spirits. GO PACKERS!!