That sound you hear on twitter, facebook and all the internet, and echoing throughout Pittsburgh is the sound of countless Pens fans about to need an after-orgasm cigarette at the news that the Penguins have reportedly acquired one Alexei Kovalev.
Yes, THAT Kovalev.
Back in Pens uniform and hoping to shore up a bit the injury-riddled crumbling pillars of the House of Lemieux. Not to be confused with House of Buttafuoco. OMG. Do you remember those SNL skits? Am I showing my age? Are you on my lawn?!
The point is that twenty minutes before this news hit, I was sitting with my sister Pens Fan who asked, “Did you see the hockey game last night?”
And I said, [puke].
And then we had a whole discussion about how the Pens were very unlikely to make any significant run at the Cup what with all the damage to very important pillars that are meant to hold up our House of Lemieux. Malkin and Crosby especially. Many others as well. And Orpik now too. Dropping like mobster-owned concrete blocks.
But now, there’s just a little bit of hope that maybe among the called-up players not too many people know and veterans like Jordan and Max and Sexhair, and now Kovalev, we can be competitive in a way that might not completely restore the House of Lemieux, but will at least hopefully help stop it from imploding in on itself.
But, Internet, Kovalev is 38, which is I think 50 or 55 in professional hockey years, so I’m kind of taking a wait and see approach rather than the IMMEDIATE HOCKEYGASM approach others are. It feels like this move was designed to re-electrify the team and the fans alike.
That said, Mr. Shero, if you’re willing to take a chance on a 38-year-old former Penguin, can I interest you at all in this 39-year-old former Penguin?