Ray Shero and the gift of the hockeygasm.

That sound you hear on twitter, facebook and all the internet, and echoing throughout Pittsburgh is the sound of countless Pens fans about to need an after-orgasm cigarette at the news that the Penguins have reportedly acquired one Alexei Kovalev.

Yes, THAT Kovalev.

Back in Pens uniform and hoping to shore up a bit the injury-riddled crumbling pillars of the House of Lemieux. Not to be confused with House of Buttafuoco. OMG. Do you remember those SNL skits? Am I showing my age? Are you on my lawn?!

I’ve digressed.

The point is that twenty minutes before this news hit, I was sitting with my sister Pens Fan who asked, “Did you see the hockey game last night?”

And I said, [puke].

And then we had a whole discussion about how the Pens were very unlikely to make any significant run at the Cup what with all the damage to very important pillars that are meant to hold up our House of Lemieux. Malkin and Crosby especially. Many others as well. And Orpik now too. Dropping like mobster-owned concrete blocks.

But now, there’s just a little bit of hope that maybe among the called-up players not too many people know and veterans like Jordan and Max and Sexhair, and now Kovalev, we can be competitive in a way that might not completely restore the House of Lemieux, but will at least hopefully help stop it from imploding in on itself.

But, Internet, Kovalev is 38, which is I think 50 or 55 in professional hockey years, so I’m kind of taking a wait and see approach rather than the IMMEDIATE HOCKEYGASM approach others are.  It feels like this move was designed to re-electrify the team and the fans alike.

That said, Mr. Shero, if you’re willing to take a chance on a 38-year-old former Penguin, can I interest you at all in this 39-year-old former Penguin?


  1. CrashJK
    February 24, 2011 3:24 pm

    KOVY’s back…woot lite…not really thrilled, but hey another rental gun in the cabinet I guess. I’m pissed that Orpik is now out for 4 weeks with a broken finger…lord, I already miss FreeCandy.

  2. Margaret
    February 24, 2011 3:29 pm

    We had a dog that we named Kovy, in his honor. I miss him! And YES YES YES!! If they can get Jagr out of whatever contract he’s currently tied up in over in Europe and make him a Penguin again, I’d need a whole pack of those cigs you’ve mentioned!!

  3. Butcher's Dog
    February 24, 2011 3:41 pm

    We can only hope Kovy’s epic lack of production has been the direct result of his handling and his environment instead of, you know, epic erosion of skills. It all hinges, IMHO, on whether or not Sid comes back before the playoffs. Or for the playoffs. And playoff seeding be damned. The Cryers got in on a shootout goal in the last game of the year and ended up (crying, fortunately) in the Cup Finals.

  4. bluzdude
    February 24, 2011 3:51 pm

    You have no idea how badly I wanted to BE Jagr, back in the 90’s…

  5. Dan (Not Onorato)
    February 24, 2011 3:52 pm

    Now would Jagr be considered Sexhair: The Prequel?

    Just wondering

  6. Pam101
    February 24, 2011 4:11 pm

    Sexhair = Awesome!

  7. Julie
    February 24, 2011 4:35 pm

    That is one AMAZING mullet!!

  8. Michele
    February 24, 2011 4:47 pm

    Really?? Jagr was hockey’s Jeff Reed. He had a cloud of VD that just followed him around. Why would you want that back in Pittsburgh?

  9. Lee
    February 24, 2011 4:58 pm

    NO Jagr.
    That is all.

  10. Legallypgh(Kathy)
    February 24, 2011 5:30 pm

    It only gets worse as the P-G reports that Orpik broke his finger and will be out for 4 weeks. Whatever karma boomerang is hitting the Pens, I want to be well out of its reach! Yikes!

  11. LisaB
    February 24, 2011 5:45 pm

    Jagr again? “Yes…Yes…Ooooooooohhhhh YES!”

    Pass that cigarette pack over here.

    He is/was the only man on earth who could wear a mullet (a curly one, no less) and still look good.

    February 24, 2011 6:48 pm

    with hair like that, the only thing Missing is a pearl necklace. :D

  13. unsatisfied
    February 24, 2011 7:18 pm

    is he still dying alive?

  14. Ms. Redd
    February 24, 2011 7:25 pm

    What is her name again? I don’t remember the hair being quite THAT bad, but pictures don’t lie.

  15. facie
    February 24, 2011 7:55 pm

    Mark Recchi is in his 40s, and he is still doing pretty decently (at least last time I checked). I will take it and I might consider Yags too. But then again, I do tend to live in the past (which is why I was super excited when the Steelers got McFadden and Randle El back).

  16. pghsciencenerd
    February 24, 2011 8:21 pm

    JJ’s contract with Avangard is up this summer. He’s supposed to take over as president of HC Kladno (JJ’s hometown hockey team), a position currently held by Papa Jagr, although it’s really a figurehead position more than anything. JJ the Third reports that he may operate the club from abroad.

    Random gossip snippet: according to the Czech version of TMZ, his model girlfriend is pretty much a skank (allegedly had affairs with teammates) and they had a nasty public fight. Stanley Cups cure heartaches, Jaromir, and Pittsburgh cleanses all wounds. I think he’d be good for Malkin. CEC would explode upon the first Jagr goal salute. I still say that ice won’t be right until it’s graced with the magical powers of the JagrMullet.

    Also, I clearly spend too much time trolling Czech websites.

  17. Cassie
    February 24, 2011 8:30 pm

    There’s a reason why Jagr isn’t even in the NHL anymore.

    Just saying.

    Jagr coming back. That’s just plain crazy talk.

    Now Straka on the other hand…hmmm. No? ;)

  18. Cathy
    February 24, 2011 10:11 pm

    Brooksie……:(:(:(:( Epic suckage :`(

  19. MM
    February 24, 2011 11:58 pm

    I think the rules in Euro hockey are once you sign w/ a club you can’t sign w/ the NHL that year. Not sure if JJ coming back is even possible this year-I would totally be for it if its possible or even possibly next year.

  20. AngryMongo
    February 25, 2011 12:03 am

    Call up Golden Heights and see what Trottier is doing. Check on the availabilty of Jimmy Paek, while we’re at it.

    The proof will be if Kovy actually produces. We got him for a steal, or did we? There’s disonance because he hasn’t exactly been playing up to snuff and has clashed with teams in the past couple of years.

    Is it me or did Jagr and that hair look like Christine (Moose)McGlade from You Can’t Do That On Television? Look it up.

  21. Marc
    February 25, 2011 8:51 am

    You want Straka…to come back…to THIS team? Let me remind you of the year when if you saw Straka walking your way down the sidewalk you would cross the street for fear that the impending store marquee sign that would inevitably fall and injure him again for another month would hit you too? To THIS team? He’d be DEAD of some freak electrocution within a month

  22. John Franco
    February 25, 2011 9:34 am

    Frankie Leroux looked pretty good in the legends game. Just sayin…

  23. It's Time!
    February 25, 2011 9:49 am

    @Legally Pittsburgh — The karma boomerang is for the Penguins’ owners’ handling of the Civic Arena. Stupid, short-sighted jerks.

  24. Cassie
    February 25, 2011 2:21 pm


    I was being completely sarcastic, no worries! I just don’t think Jagr would blend well with the team, especially with his ginormous ego, so I thought I’d throw another bad choice out there.

  25. Scott
    February 25, 2011 2:51 pm

    And let’s not forget another 38 year old that Shero brought in by the name of Billy Guerin. That worked out pretty well for us!

  26. hello haha narf
    February 25, 2011 4:14 pm

    jagr is 39? that means…I AM 39!!
    well shit.
    thanks for the wake up call.

  27. PittinDC
    February 25, 2011 5:09 pm

    I would like Jagr to come back just so I can have a reason to put my Czechmate poster back up in a place of honor :)

  28. JRAD
    February 28, 2011 7:15 pm

    The original sex hair!

  29. Kathy
    March 2, 2011 4:33 pm

    admit it – you wanted him in the 90’s. I think he had the mullet version of some those pictures you showed. Which, OMG, aren’t you glad you never did the female mullet? Or did you, and you’re holding it in reserve for the BIG fundraiser…