The Pirates Prospects site has an interview up with Frank Coonelly and it is full of awesome if you like your awesome stuffed with CEO-speak and sprinkled with WTF.
When asked what his “day-to-day responsibilities” are with the Pirates, Coonelly begins pooping out tiny balls of Dilbert-speak:
That means, among other things, that I am responsible for getting the right people in the positions of leadership and providing them with the tools necessary for them to make us successful. For us to be truly successful, we must run a high quality baseball operation, we must be a growing, forward-thinking business that is able to generate the revenues necessary to support a winning team and the many capital investments that we must make to remain a vibrant organization.
But what about transforminationitude, Frank? WHAT ABOUT THAT?!
But don’t think Frank is all “core competency” and “synergize” and “detail-oriented,” he also has a KICKASS sense of humor.
Kevin: Dan Fox and the rest of the statistical staff have developed their own in-house, propriatary defensive rating systems. How do those results compare to the “off-the-shelf” defensive metrics such as Ultimate Zone Rating and Total Zone?
Frank: The answer to that question is proprietary. That is a (poor) attempt at humor but also true.
LOL, Frank. LOL.
Give me a second to pick myself up off the floor to which I fell in a fit of hysterical laughter.
But then again, why bother picking myself up off the floor if Frank is just going to whip me back down there with an incredulous THUD at his response to this question:
Kevin: Would the Pirates be able to afford a $70M to $80M payroll, in present-day worth, if this current group of players were competitive enough to merit additional outside free agents?
Frank: Today, no but we will be able to support that payroll very soon if our fans believe that we now have a group of players in Pittsburgh and on its way here in the near future that is competitive. We need to take a meaningful step forward in terms of attendance to reach that payroll number while continuing to invest heavily in our future but I am convinced that the attendance will move quickly once we convince our fans that we are on the right track.
Can I just marvel again at the giant giant giant visible-from-space gargantuan Brobdingnagian balls of the Pirates organization? Even the Great Wall of China is all, “Would you LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE MONSTERS?!”
It seems to me that what Frank is saying is that instead of doing things the way they should be done, which is “Here is a product so great, that people will happily spend their money on it,” he’s saying, “Please pay money for this piece of shit product NOW so that we can have more money to use to create a better product that doesn’t suck so bad in the future. Or to line our own pockets. That’s a poor attempt at humor.”
That’s the forward-thinking way of doing things? Convince us that you’re on the right track and expect a spike in attendance? I honestly am not sure you’ve been on the right TRAIN for the past decade, let alone the right track. Also, your train is on Mars and your track is on Jupiter.
The only thing that’s going to see the attendance shift upward is the fielding of a team that doesn’t annually have national sports writers questioning whether or not the Pirates should be removed from the MLB.
Don’t try to convince us, Frank. SHOW US.
And for the love of God, don’t put the pressure on the fans, because attendance at Pirates games, despite an 18-year losing record has been pretty flippin’ consistent since 1993:
- 1993: 1,650,593
- 1994: 1,222,520
- 1995: 905,517
- 1996: 1,332,150
- 1997: 1,657,022
- 1998: 1, 560, 950
- 1999: 1,638,023
- 2000: 1,748,908
- 2001: 2,435,867
- 2002: 1,784,993
- 2003: 1,636,751
- 2004: 1,583,031
- 2005: 1,794,237
- 2006: 1,861,549
- 2007: 1,749,142
- 2008: 1,609,076
- 2009: 1,577,853
Let me put it in terms you’ll understand Frank, “Despite the progressive and consistent downward trend in performance by the team and despite a lack of an empowering change-catalyst from management, attendance remains across the board, but will see an uptick should there be an multidisciplinary infusion of solutioning and actualizing of set goals that results in a more abundant number of competitive head-to-head wins as compared to backward-compatible losses.”
Get it? Good.
Has anyone seen my PittGirl Cult of Personality Rose-Colored Glasses? They take the stabby edge off.