Internet, so you can stop emailing me about it, I wanted to assure you that I am aware that Mike Tyson’s pigeon show is a real thing that will be unleashed upon the earth in these end times.
Yes, end times.
Gas is like four dollars a gallon. The stinkbugs are back and apparently haven’t been practicing safe sex. Keurig raised the price of a box of K-Cups by 10%. And this morning I went into my basement to find it flooded with three inches of standing water thanks to the apparent overzealous OCD butt-wiping my kid had been doing with “flushable” toddler wipes.
I guess “flushable” means “flushable up to a few at a time, but if your kid grabs twenty of them and flushes them all down and does this regularly, then these are indeed UNFLUSHABLE. Also, teach your kid about moderation, wastefulness and Plumbing 101.”
Which means when my kid gets home from school I get to pull out my trusty, “There are children all over the world who don’t have [fill in the blank],” lecture. Normally the blank is filled with things like “Nintendo DSs” or “satellite TV” or “burnt meatloaf.” Today, the blank will be filled with “indoor plumbing.”
Where were we? Yes, END TIMES. So much shit going on.
I’m kidding of course, but in all seriousness, Mike Tyson might be whatever Horseman of the Apocalypse that’s carrying disease and pestilence. He’s just doing it with pigeons instead of arrows. Unless there’s a Horseman of the Apocalypse carrying Batshit Crazy, then Mike Tyson is THAT one.
ESPN Page 2 interviewed Tyson about his pigeons and he said:
But people who don’t like pigeons, that’s just because they don’t understand ’em. Just like when Europeans first came here and they didn’t understand the Indians. What we don’t understand, we hate and want to destroy.
Mike, I bet you a million bajillion goooglity batrillion dollars that when the Europoeans landed in the New World, the Indians didn’t immediately descend on the Pilgrims en masse, dive bomb them, poop on their heads, and then snatch their french fries right out of their hands before sprinting away to eat their own vomit.
Besides, who wants to watch Mike Tyson raise pigeons? Sounds boring.
However, a reality show called “Mike Tyson Punches Pigeons Until They Die” would be a ratings winner.
Hollywood, call me.