[squeak squeak squeak]

Internet, so you can stop emailing me about it, I wanted to assure you that I am aware that Mike Tyson’s pigeon show is a real thing that will be unleashed upon the earth in these end times.

Yes, end times.

Gas is like four dollars a gallon. The stinkbugs are back and apparently haven’t been practicing safe sex. Keurig raised the price of a box of K-Cups by 10%. And this morning I went into my basement to find it flooded with three inches of standing water thanks to the apparent overzealous OCD butt-wiping my kid had been doing with “flushable” toddler wipes.

I guess “flushable” means “flushable up to a few at a time, but if your kid grabs twenty of them and flushes them all down and does this regularly, then these are indeed UNFLUSHABLE. Also, teach your kid about moderation, wastefulness and Plumbing 101.”

Which means when my kid gets home from school I get to pull out my trusty, “There are children all over the world who don’t have [fill in the blank],” lecture. Normally the blank is filled with things like “Nintendo DSs” or “satellite TV” or “burnt meatloaf.” Today, the blank will be filled with “indoor plumbing.”

Where were we? Yes, END TIMES. So much shit going on.

I’m kidding of course, but in all seriousness, Mike Tyson might be whatever Horseman of the Apocalypse that’s carrying disease and pestilence. He’s just doing it with pigeons instead of arrows. Unless there’s a Horseman of the Apocalypse carrying Batshit Crazy, then Mike Tyson is THAT one.

ESPN Page 2 interviewed Tyson about his pigeons and he said:

But people who don’t like pigeons, that’s just because they don’t understand ’em. Just like when Europeans first came here and they didn’t understand the Indians. What we don’t understand, we hate and want to destroy.

Mike, I bet you a million bajillion goooglity batrillion dollars that when the Europoeans landed in the New World, the Indians didn’t immediately descend on the Pilgrims en masse, dive bomb them, poop on their heads, and then snatch their french fries right out of their hands before sprinting away to eat their own vomit.

Besides, who wants to watch Mike Tyson raise pigeons? Sounds boring.

However, a reality show called “Mike Tyson Punches Pigeons Until They Die” would be a ratings winner.

Hollywood, call me.


  1. Butcher's Dog
    February 25, 2011 4:04 pm

    Awwww…and we were soooo looking forward to the “suck your rights” sign being at the top of the page all weekend! Please post something, anything!, else so we don’t have to look at Tyson kissing a pigeon until Monday morning.

    Just a simple request from a simple man.

  2. Elle C.
    February 25, 2011 4:11 pm

    ‘overzealous OCD butt-wiping’…I could not contain myself from laughing out loud at this!

  3. unsatisfied
    February 25, 2011 5:21 pm

    keurig raised their prices?!??!


  4. JillM
    February 25, 2011 5:26 pm

    Same thing happened to us a few years back. Came home to let the dog out of his crate to find him standing in 4 inches of (thankfully) clean water looking at me all “WTF what is wrong with you people – this is why I’d rather be outside chasing pigeons”

    Main drain clogged – thankfully in our old house, it is truly a cellar and my dad put everything on pallets or cement pads when we moved in…”just in case you get water in the basement”

  5. Kelly
    February 25, 2011 5:50 pm

    Kid wipes are NOT flushable, no matter what the dumb box says! We also had an “overzealous butt-wiper” and even though we instructed him to flush one wipe at a time, we wound up having to get our drain snaked TWICE!

  6. Sooska
    February 25, 2011 7:22 pm

    The line my mother used was There are children starving in (—-usually Armenia—–) so eat your (—). I have no clue why Armenia.

    As an engineer I can tell you do not use the wipes. That could have been bad. I hope you don’t have a septic tank.

  7. Aileen
    February 25, 2011 10:12 pm

    That photo just grosses me out.

  8. apostles03
    February 25, 2011 11:14 pm

    I fantisize that Tyson might suddenly fly into a psychotic rage and bite that air-rat’s head off, Ozzy Osbourne style, in a violent spray of blood and feathers.

  9. Liz
    February 28, 2011 12:15 pm

    Employees outside my office just came to see why I was dying! LMAO

  10. LJR
    March 2, 2011 11:07 am

    FalconCam (www.aviary.org/falcon) is live. Peregrine nesting behavior is on track. A new generation of warriors will soon be upon us.