Dancing with Hines

The last time I watched Dancing with the Stars, it was either to watch Apolo Anton Ohno win — because he makes my heart go pitter-patter. Oh, who are we kidding. He makes my heart thump like an elephant ran across it carrying a walrus. — or to see Marlee Matlin dance a particularly awesome dance in which there really was no way to tell she wasn’t actually hearing the music.

I remember the reason I quit being a loyal viewer of the show was because of a true first world problem — DVR priority conflict.

Probably got into a priority war with Chuck and Big Bang Theory. Hilarious computer-brained spy and hilarious sexually-frustrated nerds always beat mediocre dancing by self-important quasi-celebrities.

However, now there’s this new development and I’m going to do some serious soul searching to figure out which shows get bumped down the priority list in order for me to make room for season 12 of Dancing With the Stars:

Hines. Ward. Dancing. Ballroom.

[thud]

Thoughts:

1. This makes sense because Hines is on record saying he’d like to get into broadcasting or some other in-front-of-the-camera career when his football career is over. This is huge exposure. Good for him!

2. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep a straight face watching Hines Ward try to be all sexy smoldery in-lovey-dovey. I will fall down laughing.

3. We are going to see Hines Ward shirtless.

4. You know those dances, like the tango or the rumba or the paso doble where it’s all about seriousness and CAPITAL-LETTERED SERIOUS SERIOUSNESS? You know Hines is going to smile like Charlie Sheen finding a briefcase full of blow through all of those dances. Len is going to crucify him. Ballroom does not favor the smiley people too much.

5. Of course I worked Charlie Sheen into a post. It’s like an airplane in a death spiral about to land on a trainwreck. You gotta watch that shit.

6.  As for Hines’ chances, he is part Korean and part African American. That means he probably has a natural rhythm about him, because like they say, “White people can’t dance.” That’s a saying right? It should be. My kids are half white and half Mexican. They started out as great dancers, but at some point the white suppressed the Mexican in them and now they dance like cardboard boxes being tossed around a mostly-empty UPS truck.

7. Have you noticed that when Hines runs, he’s a graceful cheetah (mmrowr), but when he walks his knees knock violently and his legs are slightly bowed?

Hines Ward is either going to win the whole thing or be voted off first on account of every dance he does looks like a hoedown.

Must see TV.

 





32 Comments

  1. Moxie Bestos
    March 1, 2011 11:07 am

    I suspect I’m in the minority, but Hines has lost street cred by doing this. He could chair a thousand awesome charities and still not get it back. Hines, ask yourself, What Would Casey Hampton Do?



  2. lover of the burg
    March 1, 2011 11:20 am

    funniest post. ever. and yes. i will be watching. he’ll be shirtless by week 5.



  3. T
    March 1, 2011 11:45 am

    I’m pumped!



  4. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    March 1, 2011 12:03 pm

    I am looking forward to it, but sort of wish that it was either Rashad Mendenhall (who is a dancer) or Mike Wallace. If nothing else to see them dance shirtless. Mmmmm…
    Ooops- gotta get back to work.



  5. tw
    March 1, 2011 12:12 pm

    Never watched a Dancing episode in my life…but that’s about to change. :)



  6. inBrookline
    March 1, 2011 12:20 pm

    “they dance like cardboard boxes being tossed around a mostly-empty UPS truck.”

    HA! You just perfectly described the dance floor at every wedding I have ever been to.



  7. Tam
    March 1, 2011 12:50 pm

    must. see. t.v.

    I’ll bet the “steeler nation” phenomenon hits their ratings and they’ll want a steeler every season – get them wallace’s pic asap. I for one am thrilled that it’s Hines. Thrilled. Shirtless by week 3 is my bet. Thrilled.



  8. Butcher's Dog
    March 1, 2011 12:59 pm

    I would pay real American money to see Hines lay a crack-back block on another dancing couple. Just sayin’.



  9. G-Man
    March 1, 2011 1:02 pm

    DVR conflict should not be an issue. Here’s why:
    (1) Big Bang Theory has moved to Thursday night.
    (2) Chuck is available on free “On Demand.”



  10. empirechick
    March 1, 2011 1:18 pm

    Butcher’s Dog – HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!



  11. Melisa
    March 1, 2011 1:19 pm

    I think dancing with the stars is available on abc.com, no?



  12. Me
    March 1, 2011 1:44 pm

    “You know Hines is going to smile like Charlie Sheen finding a briefcase full of blow through all of those dances.”

    Best line. I stopped watching the last couple of seasons when I was like, “who?” for most of the “stars” on the show. But, the DVR will be recording this season. Can’t wait to see his smiling face and bare chest!



  13. Sooska
    March 1, 2011 1:47 pm

    I hope there is no slam dancing.



  14. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pitts
    March 1, 2011 2:02 pm

    I love DWTS. I will be voting for him. Can’t wait.



  15. Emily
    March 1, 2011 2:03 pm

    Wow…I used to describe my dancing as being like that of Chandler Bing.

    But now, I think I’ll steal the “dances like a cardboard box being tossed around a mostly-empty UPS truck” expression.



  16. bluzdude
    March 1, 2011 2:08 pm

    Darn, Butcher’s Dog beat me to it. I was going to say that the other dancers better keep their heads on a swivel. Might DWTS also have to institute a “Hines Ward Rule?”



  17. jmarinara
    March 1, 2011 2:26 pm

    The fact that Dancing with the Stars is entering it’s 12th season causes me to mourn for my country.



  18. #1 WI Steeler Fan
    March 1, 2011 2:44 pm

    Ginny- you might have to do WTRT for DWTS… really that would be great.



  19. LaReina
    March 1, 2011 2:52 pm

    jmarinara, if you think DWTS is the worst thing happening to this country right now, I urge you to dig a large hole – say, 10 or 12 feet deep – and climb in, but not before asking a friend to take the accumalated dirt and throw it on your head.



  20. ajm
    March 1, 2011 3:16 pm

    @jmarinara– I completely agree with you.



  21. Erin
    March 1, 2011 3:25 pm

    Moxie, I agree and think this is embarrassing. Ginny, I don’t have time to find a video – but how can one be both knock-kneed and bowlegged?



  22. Me
    March 1, 2011 3:31 pm

    @jmarinara,

    Have you not heard of the Jersey Shore or the Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York, Orange County, etc.? DWTS is like Masterpiece Theater by comparison.



  23. T
    March 1, 2011 3:40 pm

    I must agree with Me…. there is far worse out there. I do love DWTS, usually not because of who is on there, but because (with the chance of sounding very corny) I think the dancing is really beautiful. I’ve never voted before but I will be voting for Hines!



  24. Mark
    March 1, 2011 4:21 pm

    I can’t wait until they give him the spray tan. It will happen.



  25. Lee
    March 1, 2011 4:28 pm

    Totally agree with @#1 WI Steeler Fan “Ginny- you might have to do WTRT for DWTS… really that would be great.”

    You have to do WTRT for this! What a great way to bridge the gap until training camp! Do it!



  26. Jann
    March 1, 2011 6:02 pm

    I’m suddenly a new fan of Dancing With the Stars.
    YIppee!!! I love Hines Ward!



  27. facie
    March 1, 2011 9:55 pm

    Yes, Ginny, please do WTRT for DWTS.

    I too watched the season with Apolo Anton Ono but very little of a few other seasons. That is about to change. And, yes, I am pretty sure it will be hilarious watching him trying to be sexy. Looking forward to it. Now if only Charlie Sheen were signed up. He really needs to put himself out there a little more.



  28. Aileen
    March 2, 2011 7:32 am

    @ Moxie –

    What would Casey Hampton do? He’d do Man vs. Food.

    If Ginny thinks Mike Tomlin exudes badassitude now, imagine his face the day Big Snack appears at Latrobe after a cerebrity stint on Man v. Food.



  29. JennyMoon
    March 2, 2011 11:14 am

    Hello? What about Ralph Macchio? Teen Beat cover year after year early 80′s. I was supposed to marry him. I’m watching to see him AND Hines Ward.



  30. jmarinara
    March 2, 2011 2:29 pm

    “jmarinara, if you think DWTS is the worst thing happening to this country right now”

    When, exactly, did I say that?



  31. jmarinara
    March 2, 2011 2:32 pm

    “Have you not heard of the Jersey Shore or the Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York, Orange County, etc.? DWTS is like Masterpiece Theater by comparison.”

    I’ve only actually heard of Jersey Shore in that list. I don’t have cable/satellite because I refuse to pay $100+/month to be bored to death and have my time wasted. (Although I miss sports) Just doesn’t seem right to me.

    But, when, exactly, did I say it was the worst show on TV?

    For the record, Jersey Shore also causes me to mourn for my country.



  32. VAgirl
    March 4, 2011 7:55 pm

    Little late in posting but I can’t wait. Started watching DWTS last year and my hubby and I got hooked. We DVR it and watch on Sat night. Agree with TSays.




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