The last time I watched Dancing with the Stars, it was either to watch Apolo Anton Ohno win — because he makes my heart go pitter-patter. Oh, who are we kidding. He makes my heart thump like an elephant ran across it carrying a walrus. — or to see Marlee Matlin dance a particularly awesome dance in which there really was no way to tell she wasn’t actually hearing the music.
I remember the reason I quit being a loyal viewer of the show was because of a true first world problem — DVR priority conflict.
Probably got into a priority war with Chuck and Big Bang Theory. Hilarious computer-brained spy and hilarious sexually-frustrated nerds always beat mediocre dancing by self-important quasi-celebrities.
However, now there’s this new development and I’m going to do some serious soul searching to figure out which shows get bumped down the priority list in order for me to make room for season 12 of Dancing With the Stars:
Hines. Ward. Dancing. Ballroom.
1. This makes sense because Hines is on record saying he’d like to get into broadcasting or some other in-front-of-the-camera career when his football career is over. This is huge exposure. Good for him!
2. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep a straight face watching Hines Ward try to be all sexy smoldery in-lovey-dovey. I will fall down laughing.
3. We are going to see Hines Ward shirtless.
4. You know those dances, like the tango or the rumba or the paso doble where it’s all about seriousness and CAPITAL-LETTERED SERIOUS SERIOUSNESS? You know Hines is going to smile like Charlie Sheen finding a briefcase full of blow through all of those dances. Len is going to crucify him. Ballroom does not favor the smiley people too much.
5. Of course I worked Charlie Sheen into a post. It’s like an airplane in a death spiral about to land on a trainwreck. You gotta watch that shit.
6. As for Hines’ chances, he is part Korean and part African American. That means he probably has a natural rhythm about him, because like they say, “White people can’t dance.” That’s a saying right? It should be. My kids are half white and half Mexican. They started out as great dancers, but at some point the white suppressed the Mexican in them and now they dance like cardboard boxes being tossed around a mostly-empty UPS truck.
7. Have you noticed that when Hines runs, he’s a graceful cheetah (mmrowr), but when he walks his knees knock violently and his legs are slightly bowed?
Hines Ward is either going to win the whole thing or be voted off first on account of every dance he does looks like a hoedown.
Must see TV.