1. While attempting to get downtown on Friday evening for dinner with friends, I found myself not moving on the Parkway East in bumper to bumper traffic near the Blvd. of the Allies off ramp in the pouring rain when my phone buzzed with a text.
Woy: Did you just park? I think I’m looking at your car.
Me: Almost there. I have no umbrealla. den.
Woy. Ok. LOL.
Me: Egg. Eek.
Woy: Autocorrect meltdown.
Woy: Are you still drunk from the other night?
Me: Parkway is a clusterfuck.
Woy: Northbound 279 is a parking lot. I’m here drinking at the bar with very cultured peoples.
Me: Going to be Kate.
Me: My phone is a Dick.
Woy: Holy shit. I’m going to save this.
Me: I like how it capitalized Dick. Raging Dick. Sounds like an Indian. Chief Raging Dick.
Aside from the obvious that no one is immune to an autocorrect meltdown, I also share this with you because Chief Raging Dick would make a great band name.
2. I have a cold. My husband is from Mexico. Sometimes, his medical science concerns me.
Him: Here, eat some fresh chicken soup I made.
Me: [general sounds of dying alive]
Him: Here, put some cayenne pepper on it. Spicy foods activate your body’s natural defense mechanism.
Me: You’re cute. Say focus for me.
Spicy foods activate your body’s natural defense mechanism?
So, like, you eat spicy food and your immune system is suddenly awoken from slumber all FIRE IN THE HOLE! KILL THE INVADING INFIDEL GERMS!
Is this true or am I just going to wind up with a stomach ulcer and burny pee?
3. Conversation the Third.
Me: Why did Johnny Depp wear a Pittsburgh Prowlers shirt while filming Rango?
Me: Who cares? He’s hot.
Me: Word. Hey, is your stomach burning like mine?