This is a year.

I didn’t realize how out of touch I’ve become with Major League Baseball until my husband drafted his fantasy baseball team last night.

“Who did you draft first?” I asked, knowing for damn certain I wasn’t going to recognize the name he replied with unless he said, “Babe Ruth.” In which case I’d be all, “Hey! I’ve heard of that guy!”

Kind of like asking a rocket scientist a question about rocket science and then when he responds with, “Well the flux capacitor has to reach a variable temperature of combustion before the aerodynamicalitudeity of the thrust and gravitational manifestation …,” you just nod your head like you know all about that shit.

So my husband replied, “[hispanic name I’ve never heard before].”

I nodded like a bobblehead riding a racehorse through moguls.

No clue. But he went in the first round, so I be he’s all that and a box of Cracker Jacks too.

Saturday after a quick stop at Dunham’s or Dick’s Sporting Goods*, my husband returned with a free baseball poster that featured five or six of what are probably baseball’s brightest stars. I recognized Andrew McCutchen, but as for the rest of them? You there, with the faces, who ARE you people?!

Then a reader pointed me toward this great picture posted on the Pirates’ facebook page during spring training down in Bradenton.

My first thought was, “Aw. Their names look like Forbes Field!”

My second thought was, “For the love of God, who ARE YOU PEOPLE?!”

I’ll be at the home opener supporting the men wearing the uniforms, not the men wearing suits and using hundred dollar bills to wipe ketchup off the corners of their mouths. I’m going to do my best to learn who our guys are before then or I’ll find myself popping Cracker Jacks and saying wisely, “I’ve heard good things about that Van Slyke guy.”

* Dear Dick’s Sporting Goods. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for buying dicks.com.

** Cracker Jacks are kinda gross, but even as an adult, I’d eat a box of raw oats if I knew there was a prize at the bottom.





26 Comments

  1. Just A Simple Man
    March 28, 2011 9:56 am

    Hooray for the dicks.com purchase.



  2. T
    March 28, 2011 10:04 am

    I have totally typed in “dicks.com” trying to get to Dick’s Sporting Goods only to come to a porn website. Thank God they’ve bought it! (I am taking your word for it)



  3. red pen mama
    March 28, 2011 10:07 am

    I used to work at Dicks Sporting Goods when their e-commerce site was done in house. (I wrote about camping and fishing gear.) It was during the big e-commerce boom of 2000-01 — yeah, yeah, get off my lawn. Anyhoo, while I was working there, a friend of mine went online to buy a baseball glove for his 3-year-old son. “Don’t ever,” he confided to me later, “type dicks.com into your computer when your 3-year-old is sitting with you.”



  4. burghbaby
    March 28, 2011 10:19 am

    But have you actually seen any of the prizes at the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks lately? To say they are lame would be an understatement of monumental proportions. The last one I got was a tiny picture of Abe Lincoln that you could fold so that it looked like his mouth was moving. I gave it to the 5-year old and she looked at me like, “Bitch, please. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”



  5. bluzdude
    March 28, 2011 10:45 am

    I’m sorry… the Cracker Jacks themselves are all the prize I need. Please keep hands and feet away from the box while the Bluz is feeding, lest you get nipped.



  6. DG
    March 28, 2011 10:52 am

    I, too, will take your word for the dick.com thing, but am very glad. Trying to find store hours for the WC temporary store in the strip this winter was, uhm, eye opening.



  7. SpudMom
    March 28, 2011 11:27 am

    Redpenmama – I once did that when sitting at work. I nearly had a heart attack. I couldn’t close that sucker fast enough and the pop ups were INSANE!



  8. Butcher's Dog
    March 28, 2011 11:28 am

    Not just A year. THE year. Worst to First in two years. I’m humming the mantra. Just sayin’.



  9. SpudMom
    March 28, 2011 11:28 am

    Since I’m at home with the kids, I went ahead and typed “dicks.com” into my address bar. I can confirm that it immediately redirects to dickssportinggoods.com. Hurray!



  10. unsatisfied
    March 28, 2011 11:29 am

    “I couldn’t close that sucker fast enough and the pop ups were INSANE!”

    that’s what she said.



  11. Butcher's Dog
    March 28, 2011 11:30 am

    @spudmom: saying the pop-ups were insane on a porn site featuring the word “dicks” is either genius or the happiest accident ever. My congratulations.



  12. Stephen
    March 28, 2011 11:38 am

    Really? Cracker Jacks are AWESOME. And I will confirm the prizes are shit. But the REAL prize is finding that one big clump of popcorn and peanuts that is saturated with caramel and sugary glaze and unicorn farts. Mmmmm…



  13. AngryMongo
    March 28, 2011 11:48 am

    @red pen mama How about this for a ‘Get off my lawn moment’?

    I used to sit and create web pages when Netscape had just overtaken Mosaic as the web browser of choice. That was before Pitt taught web design classes and we just camped out in the Benedum Eng. Lab at 2AM, after leaving Zelda’s.

    I miss college.



  14. Barb
    March 28, 2011 12:13 pm

    Guilty of using the work computer to shop for baseball equipment for the son and mistakenly typed dicks.com. MAJOR heart palpations with all the pop-ups and scared that IT was immediately going to report me! Also very thankful no one happened to be walking down the hall at the time! Yikes!



  15. SpudMom
    March 28, 2011 12:13 pm

    *takes a bow* I wish I could take credit for saying that intentionally, but, alas, I cannot.



  16. Scott
    March 28, 2011 12:37 pm

    Surely another HIGHLY disappointing season ahead for those wishing the Pirates to put a winning team on the field. But still a REALLY exciting time of year! PLAY BALL!!!



  17. Magnus Patris
    March 28, 2011 1:33 pm

    Sadly, someone has bought bajingo.com, but poonannernanner.com is still available…. for now.



  18. Heather
    March 28, 2011 1:35 pm

    Hooray for dicks.com! I’ve made that mistake more than once, unfortunately.



  19. bucdaddy
    March 28, 2011 2:18 pm

    VM,

    If you happen to stroll into the Courthouse Tavern on Forbes about noon the day of the opener, look for a medium-height, medium-weight bald man. I’ll be the other guy.

    And I’ll buy you a beer.

    Otherwise, I’ll keep an eye out for you. We’ll be in section 131.

    We wpn’t be very good again this year (the Pirates, I mean), but I’m old enough not to worry about it.



  20. jeremy
    March 28, 2011 2:32 pm

    and just as you post that pic, the pirates have traded josh fields to the rockies for a player to be named later OR cash – wow, what a prospect he was…



  21. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    March 28, 2011 6:01 pm

    I put in my leave slip for the Home Opener on January 1st. This is my 20th season as a full season ticket holder and I’ll be enjoying the view on the field and of the city in section 316. Heading to Philly after work tomorrow to catch the Pirates take on the Phils.



  22. Scott
    March 29, 2011 9:55 am

    Josh Fields will likely go on now to become the hottest rookie in all of baseball, win Rookie of the Year, and be the next Albert Pujols since the Pirates have let him go. Kind of the way things go around here.



  23. Clair
    March 29, 2011 10:11 am

    Yes the Pirates have sucked for many years. 3 of my 4 kids have never seen a winning season from them (and in reality, my oldest was just a baby the last time the Bucs went to the playoffs!). But we will be there at least once (looks like the kids schedules will only allow us to go to one game, since we live in VA. Unless we venture into DC when they come play the Nats.) supporting the players and hoping for a time when my kids can see a winning Pirates team. We lived in Tucson when the Diamondbacks came into existence, and we are fans of that team too…and as such, my kids are spoiled since they do have a championship and several divisional titles under their belts (even tho the Dbacks have taken a Pirates-like turn the past few seasons!). But they cheer for the Buccos just as hard…again, hoping one day the Buccos will return to their former glory.

    And…yeah…THANKS to Dick’s for buying dicks.com. Cuz that is something you don’t even think about typing until you do and hit enter and see what comes up! HAHAHA.



  24. bucdaddy
    March 29, 2011 10:26 am

    Clair,

    D-backs had to devolve into bankruptcy to secure that championship, IIRC?



  25. krcked
    April 2, 2011 12:01 am

    I’m sure Mr. Stack is glad he did bought the dicks.com name. And if you shop there, thanks for supporting me!



  26. Kathy
    April 6, 2011 7:07 pm

    I nodded like a bobblehead riding a racehorse through moguls.

    – oh Ginny, you make me laugh.