I didn’t realize how out of touch I’ve become with Major League Baseball until my husband drafted his fantasy baseball team last night.
“Who did you draft first?” I asked, knowing for damn certain I wasn’t going to recognize the name he replied with unless he said, “Babe Ruth.” In which case I’d be all, “Hey! I’ve heard of that guy!”
Kind of like asking a rocket scientist a question about rocket science and then when he responds with, “Well the flux capacitor has to reach a variable temperature of combustion before the aerodynamicalitudeity of the thrust and gravitational manifestation …,” you just nod your head like you know all about that shit.
So my husband replied, “[hispanic name I’ve never heard before].”
I nodded like a bobblehead riding a racehorse through moguls.
No clue. But he went in the first round, so I be he’s all that and a box of Cracker Jacks too.
Saturday after a quick stop at Dunham’s or Dick’s Sporting Goods*, my husband returned with a free baseball poster that featured five or six of what are probably baseball’s brightest stars. I recognized Andrew McCutchen, but as for the rest of them? You there, with the faces, who ARE you people?!
Then a reader pointed me toward this great picture posted on the Pirates’ facebook page during spring training down in Bradenton.
My first thought was, “Aw. Their names look like Forbes Field!”
My second thought was, “For the love of God, who ARE YOU PEOPLE?!”
I’ll be at the home opener supporting the men wearing the uniforms, not the men wearing suits and using hundred dollar bills to wipe ketchup off the corners of their mouths. I’m going to do my best to learn who our guys are before then or I’ll find myself popping Cracker Jacks and saying wisely, “I’ve heard good things about that Van Slyke guy.”
* Dear Dick’s Sporting Goods. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for buying dicks.com.
** Cracker Jacks are kinda gross, but even as an adult, I’d eat a box of raw oats if I knew there was a prize at the bottom.