If Watson was a Burgher

My latest column is up at Pittsburgh Magazine, this one called “Watson, come here. Pittsburgh needs you.”

Which is of course a play on the famous first words that Alexander Graham Bell said when he invented the telephone — “Watson, come here. I want to see you.”

This was followed by the lesser-known second thing he said — “Hey, wouldn’t it be great if we could order a pizza through this thing?”

Watson is the IBM supercomputer that recently spent some time on Jeopardy showing the humans how stupid we are, n’at.

Watson might look like a stoic machine, but inside, he’s pointing and laughing at the entire human race.

I thought maybe we could use Watson here in Pittsburgh.

Some uses I came up for him:

  • Arbitrator Bias Detector
  • Power Hitter for the Pirates
  • Snow Removal Equipment Optimizer
  • Mayoral Unit Locator

And more!

Have a read.



  1. bucdaddy
    April 8, 2011 11:14 am

    And the third thing said after the telephone was invented:

    “I bet men would pay $3.99 a minute to listen to a woman talk dirty on this thing.”

  2. South Hillzer
    April 8, 2011 12:15 pm

    I’d like to locate the Mayor’s unit. BWAHAHAHAHA!!

    (apparently I’m in 7th grade) :)

  3. MrsO
    April 8, 2011 12:41 pm

    ROFL @ South Hillzer. Me too apparently.

  4. unsatisfied
    April 8, 2011 12:52 pm

    she said, “unit”…..

  5. bluzdude
    April 8, 2011 1:11 pm

    Fourth thing said after the telephone was invented:

    “I bet we could get rid of all this aluminum siding we have laying around here, if we could just tell more people about it!”

  6. Spanky
    April 8, 2011 3:50 pm

    I bet that Cyber Jagoff could do a better job at weather than anyone on Chanel 4 do

  7. Butcher's Dog
    April 8, 2011 4:40 pm

    Fifth thing that was said after the telephone was invented:
    “We could hook up everyone’s computer to this and call it the Internet.”

  8. AngryMongo
    April 8, 2011 6:21 pm

    Watson is 1/8 Yinzer…. the development team included faculty and students from among others, CMU n’at.

  9. NullRegister
    April 9, 2011 2:19 pm

    Actually, Watson was in Pittsburgh for a match against CMU and Pitt. This article has some details about AngryMongo’s point too.

  10. Ya Jagoff
    April 11, 2011 7:20 am

    I was thinking Watson could run for Mayor!

    Only one problem with Watson running for Mayor (as I see it). With the rate of techonological advances – by the time Watson gets to the end of his first term, he will be about half his size. If he would be successful at “four more years” he would fit into somebody’s wrist watch or be a debit card – how would THOSE photos look when Watson poses for photos with the Pgh Marathon winners?

  11. AngryMongo
    April 11, 2011 7:56 am

    To his advantage, at that size, Watson would have an easier time sneaking into Oakmont CC or Heinz Field or a Toby Keith concert without being seen.