Keep a close eye on your bull semen.

Speaking of bull semen:

Police in north central Pennsylvania say they’ve solved the case of the missing bull semen.

Police in Sweden Township, near Coudersport, Potter County, say the package containing liquid nitrogen and 1,770 units of the bull semen were reported missing from a residence where it was to be delivered on April 2.

Police now tell the Bradford Era newspaper that the items were never stolen. Rather, a United Parcel Service driver left the package at the home, then went back and retrieved it after realizing it shouldn’t have been delivered without someone signing for the package.

Thoughts:

1. THANK. GOD.

2. If you can’t trust UPS with your bull semen, who can you trust, Internet? WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

3. What can Brown do for you? They can find your bull semen! That’s a killer ad slogan.

4. 1,770 units of bull semen. Talk about mind bogglejiggities. IT’S A THING.

5. I’m trying to understand how they acquire the bull semen from the bull and I decided I don’t want to know. Some things aren’t meant to be learned. Like parallel parking.

6. I’d like to see an officer in the small town of Coudersport apply to be a detective in Pittsburgh just so he can say to the interviewer, “My claim to fame is that I solved the case of the missing bull semen.”

7. I wish it HAD been stolen so that the news could have stories about how the concerned residents of Coudersport are locking up their bull semen at night. “I tell ya. You just don’t think it could happen to you until it does. We’re such a quiet town. And now people are stealing our bull semen. It’s a dangerous world we live in.”

8. If you Google image search “bull semen,” … well … JUST DON’T, OKAY?

They don’t make a neuralyzer powerful enough.

(h/t Paul, Jonathan, and Bobby)





26 Comments

  1. ScareHouse Scott
    April 19, 2011 12:50 pm

    I wonder what kind of spam and web traffic this post will generate?



  2. Pa-pop
    April 19, 2011 12:51 pm

    To extract sperm from a bull, all you need is an electric cattle prod, an animal holding chute, a trained steer, and a high quality artificial vagina (thank you, eHow). Most of have these items lying around the house, right?

    Right?

    BTW – for me at least – “trained steer” provokes a Gary Larsonesque image of a cow wearing a lab coat and glasses and holding a clipboard.



  3. SpudMom
    April 19, 2011 1:03 pm

    I have a friend from high school who has a doctorate in Bovine Genetics. She deals with the ins and outs of bovine semen quite often.



  4. Butcher's Dog
    April 19, 2011 1:08 pm

    I’m thinking if it had been stolen the people of Coudersport would be locking up their cows at night rather than the bulls. I mean, you want to know who the calf’s daddy is, right?

    Anyone else curious where SpudMom went to high school if one of her friends wandered into bovine genetics as a life path? I mean, the academic discipline’s important and all, but I’m guessing this desire didn’t burgeon in an inner-city high school.



  5. Monty
    April 19, 2011 1:13 pm

    It’s a good thing that box didn’t get mixed up with a milk shipment.

    @ SpudMom — Can you confirm with your friend that the easiest way to extract it is just to paint a Hoover white with a few black spots, and add a little lipstick to the nozzle?

    Did that cross the line? If so, my computer autocorrected “Have a good Easter everyone” into whatever it says before this sentence.



  6. bluzdude
    April 19, 2011 1:26 pm

    1770 units worth of bull semen? I wonder how many kleenexes that took…



  7. bluzdude
    April 19, 2011 1:27 pm

    Alternate punch line:
    1770 units worth of bull semen? That must have been one horny bull…

    ba dump bump.



  8. unsatisfied
    April 19, 2011 1:55 pm

    sounds like a bunch of bull semen to me.



  9. Julia
    April 19, 2011 2:02 pm

    I should not have been eating lunch while reading this post or list of comments. Too many gross mental pictures!



  10. Rich D
    April 19, 2011 2:03 pm

    You know you’re having a bad day when you grab the bull semen instead of the nutella…



  11. SpudMom
    April 19, 2011 2:09 pm

    @Monty – ha! She’d find that hilarious!



  12. Jill M
    April 19, 2011 2:14 pm

    So many questions…

    1. I wonder if a “unit” is exactly the amount I’m thinking of.
    2. Are all 1,770 units from the same bull?
    3. How long did it take to “fill the tank”?



  13. Scott
    April 19, 2011 2:19 pm

    I saw this article and was going to post it to my Facebook page…then decided against it. Thank goodness we have Ginny here to do our dirty work.

    And you guys have it all wrong about bull semen extraction. Anyone who’s seen “Kingpin” knows this.



  14. Kathy
    April 19, 2011 2:44 pm

    Ah, Ginny, when will you ever learn the dangers of Google Image search?

    I’m thinking google video searching “bull semen extraction” would be a bad move too…



  15. Butcher's Dog
    April 19, 2011 3:45 pm

    Had to be about a metric shitload (that’s slightly larger than an English-measure shitload) of cigarettes smoked afterwards, too.



  16. Sooska
    April 19, 2011 3:49 pm

    Have you ever been to Coudersport? “Middle-of-nowhere” is undeserved hyperbole. This has got to be the next best thing to going dancing in Potato City on a Saturday night.



  17. TripleC
    April 19, 2011 4:13 pm

    Must be one damn tired bull out there. Poor fella!



  18. Cassie
    April 19, 2011 4:37 pm

    @Bluz, Kleenex? I’m wondering about the lotion!



  19. Justin
    April 19, 2011 5:17 pm

    I had to post on this because I grew up in Bradford, home of the local paper that this heinous crime was reported to. I’ll talk to some friends from home to see if I can get anymore details to share. This is something I don’t even see happening in Fayette County! haha



  20. Sam's Dog
    April 19, 2011 6:35 pm

    Everybody wants to poke fun, but what about the poor bull- “Hello? Oh, hi mom. What’s that? Yeah, I’m in the tank again…..



  21. TeeTee
    April 19, 2011 7:12 pm

    Kinda has a wang to it.



  22. Mike
    April 19, 2011 7:44 pm

    I’m a little concerned about the picture of MD 20/20 bottles on Google Image. As I recall that stuff did taste a little off, but….



  23. AngryMongo
    April 20, 2011 8:36 am

    The UPS driver showed a lot of spunk when he came back to get a signature.



  24. Monty
    April 20, 2011 8:44 am

    @ AngryMongo — Nice.

    And when he was done returning it, he felt like a huge load had been taken off of his shoulders.



  25. Scott L
    April 20, 2011 11:52 am

    Must have some UGLY cows there that they’ve got to Mail Order Bull Semen.



  26. Butcher's Dog
    April 20, 2011 11:56 am

    Here’s the other side to the story: all that extracted semen sooner or later has to be, um, installed. All you people looking for work raise your hands if you’d like an application for that job. Yeah, that’s about what I thought.