I love Santino Guzzo.

(screen cap from WPXI)

By now you’ve heard the story of the sword-wielding “ninja,” and those are very ironic quotation marks because I’m using ninja in the very loosest sense of the term here, who successfully robbed 11 cars but then made the ninjatastic mistake of confronting my hero Santino Guzzo, 29, of South Union.

How do I love Santino Guzzo?

Let me count the forsoothy ways (I’m going to make forsoothy a thing as soon as I get mind bogglejiggities to be a thing):

1. Santino has snark and spunk to spare.

“The only word that comes to mind is, ‘seriously?'” Santino Guzzo, 29, of South Union said today. “I know this isn’t a laughing matter, but how many people get attacked by a ninja? Really, a ninja?”

I love it. Normally, you get a South Union man and stick a voice recorder, microphone or camera in his face and he becomes THAT guy on the news. Whatever shirt he’s wearing magically transforms into a wife-beater on camera, and his two front teeth fall out. “Well, I was milkin’ my goat and next thing I know I seen a man dressed in black and I seen he’s trying to rob me. They robbin’ errybody up in here.”

But Santino Guzzo is all, “SRSLY?! A NINJA?!?!”

2. But my hero Santino had a little present for the ninja. A gun.

This is my favorite scene in all the Indiana Jones movies and it’s how I like to think this whole thing went down:

YouTube Preview Image

The ninja wielded his sword. Santino showed him his gun.

I’m also reminded of the “That’s not knife. THAT’S A KNIFE.” line from Crocodile Dundee.

God. I’m old.

3. Once Santino showed the ninja the gun, hilarity ensued.

Guzzo said he chased the man, who did not move with the grace typically associated with a ninja.

“He was like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion,” Guzzo said. “He got up and fell, and got up and fell. Then he jumped off a cliff.”

Oh, Santino. I want to hug you. I want to know you.

Not in the biblical sense, but in the sense that if Pittsburgh is going to be the location of a forthcoming ninja uprising, I want you on my side.

[awkward ninja moves]


  1. Jess
    April 26, 2011 9:31 am

    I know Santino, lol! There is nobody better to play the role of ninja chaser than he is!

  2. lisa
    April 26, 2011 9:54 am

    This is so very cool! First the furries love the big Burgh, now it is a secret ninja enclave!! This is the second ninja sighting in what, a month. They are getting bolder!!

  3. CrashJK
    April 26, 2011 10:11 am

    Indiana Jones = Pens in game 7….

  4. jennviolet
    April 26, 2011 10:16 am

    I was just WAITING for your undoubtedly hilarious take on this one! Thank you for not disappointing! Saw Santino on the news last night. Laugh out loud!!!

  5. bigslacker
    April 26, 2011 10:17 am

    I ain’t hatin’, just sayin’…look no further for said ninja, because Santino IS the ninja. Inspired by Kung Fu Panda. You heard it here first.

  6. Carpetbagger
    April 26, 2011 1:03 pm

    I’m reminded of Sean Connery in The Untouchables: “Isn’t that just like a wop… brings a knife to a gun fight!”

    Except, in this case, the wop brought the gun.

  7. bluzdude
    April 26, 2011 1:41 pm

    Sounds like Santino encountered the Original Awkward Ninja, who inspired all the moves.

    He should have known that you can’t mess with anyone named “Santino,” unless you have a bunch of guys with machine guns spring out at him when he’s at a toll plaza.

  8. Aileen
    April 26, 2011 9:33 pm

    @Bigslacker – actually, Kung Fu Panda is in town right now. He plays 3rd base for the San Francisco Giants.

  9. CarolineFB
    April 27, 2011 1:51 pm

    “Then he jumped off a cliff….. ?” Just wow.