By now you’ve heard the story of the sword-wielding “ninja,” and those are very ironic quotation marks because I’m using ninja in the very loosest sense of the term here, who successfully robbed 11 cars but then made the ninjatastic mistake of confronting my hero Santino Guzzo, 29, of South Union.
Let me count the forsoothy ways (I’m going to make forsoothy a thing as soon as I get mind bogglejiggities to be a thing):
1. Santino has snark and spunk to spare.
“The only word that comes to mind is, ‘seriously?'” Santino Guzzo, 29, of South Union said today. “I know this isn’t a laughing matter, but how many people get attacked by a ninja? Really, a ninja?”
I love it. Normally, you get a South Union man and stick a voice recorder, microphone or camera in his face and he becomes THAT guy on the news. Whatever shirt he’s wearing magically transforms into a wife-beater on camera, and his two front teeth fall out. “Well, I was milkin’ my goat and next thing I know I seen a man dressed in black and I seen he’s trying to rob me. They robbin’ errybody up in here.”
But Santino Guzzo is all, “SRSLY?! A NINJA?!?!”
2. But my hero Santino had a little present for the ninja. A gun.
This is my favorite scene in all the Indiana Jones movies and it’s how I like to think this whole thing went down:
The ninja wielded his sword. Santino showed him his gun.
I’m also reminded of the “That’s not knife. THAT’S A KNIFE.” line from Crocodile Dundee.
God. I’m old.
3. Once Santino showed the ninja the gun, hilarity ensued.
Guzzo said he chased the man, who did not move with the grace typically associated with a ninja.
“He was like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion,” Guzzo said. “He got up and fell, and got up and fell. Then he jumped off a cliff.”
Oh, Santino. I want to hug you. I want to know you.
Not in the biblical sense, but in the sense that if Pittsburgh is going to be the location of a forthcoming ninja uprising, I want you on my side.
[awkward ninja moves]