Monthly Archives: May 2011

Random n’at

1. Today’s posting will likely just be this Random n’at, because I’ll be spending this hazy, hot, and humid day at Kennywood trying to ward off heat stroke and the resulting hallucinations. “Do my eyes deceive me or is that a 13-year-old girl wearing a bra top, tiny shorts and four-inch high sandals?”

Seriously, you guys, who lets their kids leave the house like that?

2. News quote of the year so far, right here:

“I could’ve died yesterday when it was on the news,” she said.” Unless he’s grunting and texting on the front porch, how can you know?”

The things people will say to the media.

3. Let’s see, a few weeks ago there was the Franklin middle-schoolers who put pins and needles (ACTUAL pins and needles) in their classmates’ cupcakes. Then there was the kindergartner who gave out bags of heroin to his classmates. Now there are the two Ambridge students who beat the snot out of a younger student, injuring him badly, recorded it, and put it on YouTube.

At what point is moving to farm country in the middle of Podunk, USA and homeschooling my kids not an overreaction to this bullshit?

4. Pittsburgh is the 13th most well-read city in the nation, according to Amazon.com.

Smarts. We haz ’em.

(h/t Amy)

5. If you’re a meter parker in the City of Pittsburgh, better start saving your dollah dollah coins!

It’s about to get pricier come June 1, thanks to our faltering pension.

In the city’s downtown, meter prices will rise to $3 an hour, up from $2.In the South Side, Strip District and Oakland, the hourly rate will double to $1.

What might be a bigger change for some people is the fact that meters will now stay active until 10 p.m.  Current enforcement stops at 6 p.m.

Dear City Council, I am not liking that new 10:00 p.m. thing at all because it is seriously going to hurt downtown eateries who use the after 6:00 p.m. free meters as a lure to get diners to visit for the dinner hour, which is already slower than the suburbs and the South Side.

This is going to make things even harder for us downtown restaurant owners, thankyouverymuch.

Way to be dedicated to a vibrant downtown after working hours.

And now, here’s a frowny face.  :(

6. Dear residents, this is just one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t open a fire hydrant. Buy a hose.

Love, me.

7. All kinds of celeb news sites covered the fact that Emma Watson wore a pink sports bra to work-out in Pittsburgh. But the one you want to read is The Superficial’s account because they somehow managed to work “Ben Roethlisberger” and “rape mask” into theirs.

It will never end. Ever.

8.  Dear God, has EVERYONE GONE MAD!?

Police in Westmoreland County are looking for the driver of a Prius who attacked a motorcycle driver with a metal pipe while he was driving down the road.

There goes my belief that only tree-hugging peace-lovers drive Priuses.  Apparently angry assholes do too.

It’s not enough the he ran the motorcycle off of the road; it takes a special kind of angry to whip out a metal pipe and start beating the rider too.

9. Troysus went to the Indy 500 and well, let’s just look at his beautiful face and enhance our calms:

That’s the face of calm. The face of peace. The face of a man who will never whip out a metal pipe and beat you about the head with it.





Random n’at

1. Yesterday I saw this car in the lot my husband parks in near Market Square:

That one in the lower corner says, “Will work for Bryan Adams tickets.”

And you guys thought I was the biggest Bryan Adams fan in the city.

Dying to know whose car this is.

Also, who knew there were that many styles of Bryan Adams bumper stickers?!

2.  Dear local fire departments, I am looking at you, using two fingers to point at my eyeballs and then I’m whipping that around to point at your eyeballs.

This kid needs your help to fulfill a sick kids wish and all you gotta do is mail him one of your patches. DO IT.

3. Fayette County … REPRESENT.

Also, why do some men do this? Do they think they’re going to whip it out and women will just not be able to control themselves?

Gold star to the commenter who said, “He was just trying to give them some special sauce.”

Update: NEW representation from Fayette County! ICE CREAM TRUCK WARS.

4. Lots of WTAE links in this Random n’at. This is the saddest, most ironic headline I’ve read in a while.

5. Someone is stealing Lukey’s $1,000 Taking Care of Bizznass trash cans.

40 of them have been stolen. That’s $40,000. I just did math.

City Public Works Director Rob Kaczorowski said the steel cans are missing from all over the city, many from bus shelters no longer in use. A worker discovered a can was missing in March. An inventory determined 39 were gone, Kaczorowski said.

“Most were in isolated locations … where there’s not a lot of pedestrian traffic,” Kaczorowski said.

First, this is why you don’t spend 1,000 freaking dollars on trash cans.

Second, Lukey, why are you putting $1,000 trash cans in isolated places like bus shelters that are no longer in use? Places that barely see any pedestrian traffic adorned with $1,000 trashcans?!

Throw a $100 trash can there for the love of responsible spending.

6. Hee.

It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.

(h/t Cindy)

7. The post below this one is a ticket giveaway for the Pittsburgh Magazine Best Restaurants party. WOO!

8. City Council has added to the 311 line, this time creating a line just for residents to report annoying noises.

I’m not even making that shit up.

A Pittsburgh City Council task force today announced the creation of a “noise line” to gather public input about aggravating sounds across the city.

Residents may phone or text noise pollution concerns to (412) 223-7620.

There is so much hilarious potential for abuse of this phone number I can’t even stand it.

“Hello? Yeah, the Mayor is on my radio.”

“There’s a toothless yinzer being interviewed on the five o’clock news.”

“ANGRY BABY FALCONS.”

“I’m calling to report that these trash cans make a HELL OF A SOUND when I roll them away.”





TICKET GIVEAWAY

The Pittsburgh Magazine Best Restaurants Party is the foodie party of the year, easily.

This year the party will be held at Heinz Field where over 50 of Pittsburgh’s finest restaurants will be serving samples of the best items on their menus.

There’s also plenty to drink and lots of local celebs to stalk.

Then mosey over to the casino for an after-party at Andrew’s for even more food and drink, and then finally hit the slots with your free $10 in slots play.

This night is going to be amazing. Because I love you, I asked the magazine if I could give away two tickets and they obliged.

Head over the my magazine blog to enter the giveaway valued at $180. You don’t even have to leave a witty comment! Just fill out the form and you’re entered to win the two tickets.

Good luck!

I hope to discover some new favorite restaurants, and then I’ll write about that restaurant and someone will invariably leave a comment all, “That restaurant has been around for three years. You would know this if you lived in the city limits,” and then I will flag that shit as inappropriate.





I wish for Chachi

As you see in the post below this one, I visited the Make-A-Wish offices in the Gulf Tower for the falcon-banding, way up there on the 37th floor where the view will make your love of Pittsburgh sock you in the heart.

Also socking you in the heart would be the wall of engraved plaques on which every wish ever granted by our local chapter of Make-A-Wish is listed in chronological order. You’ll find the child’s name, age, town, and the wish that was granted.

The great thing about the wall is that it’s like looking into a time capsule to see what kinds of things the kids wished for in the early 80s:

In here I see a Stereo/TV/VCR as well as Atari Games and a waterbed:

A seven-year-old who wanted an Apple II:

Lots of celebrity wishes, too!

The Karate Kid Ralph Macchio right below an RCA Digital Stereo System:

Scott Baio of Happy Days and Charles in Charge fame! My sister Pens Fan used to have a HUGE crush on Chachi.

Arsenio Hall:

This one is particularly touching in light of recent events:

Phone calls from Rocky Bleier and Mean Joe Greene.

Guns n’ Roses!

SHAUN CASSIDY, BABY.

A three-year-old who just wanted to spend Christmas at home.

I honestly could have spent the entire morning there just reading this wall of names, starting with the 80s and moving up to present day.

The office walls are filled with pictures of some of the wishes granted:

This little boy wanted a shopping spree:

Golf with Mario:

I almost can’t handle that picture.

Troysus and Sid being good humans:

 

And this one, their first wish back in 1983, 7-year-old cancer patient Bryan who wanted to travel to Texas to get a piggyback ride from his uncle.

Too much.

I met the staff of lovely girls* in charge of fulfilling wishes and told them they have the best jobs in Pittsburgh because they get to put smiles like these on sick kids’ faces:

 

Best job ever.

*I never know what to call women in their twenties and thirties. Ladies or women sounds too old. Girls sounds too young. Broads? Chicks? Dames? Anyway, the girls that fulfill the wishes are gorgeous and lovely and Awesome Burghers to boot.





I met my minions today. They were shrieky.

The baby falcons that live atop the Gulf Tower had their check-up/banding this morning in the Make A Wish offices on the 37th floor (more on that soon), and I was thrilled to attend for the chance to visit my pigeon-eating minions up close and personal for the first time as the National Aviary and the Pennsylvania Game Commission got to work.

After the five babies were retrieved from their perch, they were brought into a conference room to be checked out, banded, weighed, etc.

A baby falcon has basically one facial expression and that is this: “I will choke a bitch.”

See:

That falcon is thinking about choking bitches. So is this one:

As the first falcon was examined, its brothers/sisters waiting in boxes nearby, things weren’t too loud. This bird was a cool customer. Thinking about choking bitches, but doing it quietly.

I think it was by the second bird that things started getting loud. The falcon babies began to show their great displeasure with the poking and prodding.

Claws came out.

Let me pull you aside at this point and tell you that when my daughter was a baby, she had this way of crying in the car that just made me want to put my fist through the windshield. I love her more than the air I breathe, but when she would do this cry, it sounded like shrieking demons choking on dying cats. It was enough to make me cover my ears and start rocking myself calm. I used to say, “I love her, but that is the most annoying sound in the world.”

Guess what? NEW MOST ANNOYING SOUND IN THE WORLD! Angry baby falcons.

Once one of the falcons started … I don’t even know what to call it. Squawking? Shrieking? Invoking the name of Beelzebub? Whatever it was, it had a domino effect. “You’re pissed? Brother, you ain’t seen pissed. Watch this!”

Enjoy this little video of pissed off baby falcons who want to choke bitches with their pointy pigeon-killing claws. I will pay you a dime if you watch the entire 1:34 without turning the volume down or covering your ears all, “LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOUR EVIL DEMON-SHRIEKING.” Please note how much of a “I will choke a bitch” vibe that falcon is giving me at the :20 mark.

YouTube Preview Image

Having spent some time with the falcons, allow me to translate what they’re saying.

Ahem.

OMG. OMG. OMG. WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? ALIEN ABDUCTION! POKING PRODDING! WTF? I WILL CHOKE ALL YOU BITCHES.

[Takes a bow]

You can watch these newly banded birds right here. Also, the falcon chicks wanted me to give a message to the pigeons: