Where’s Hilary Swank to save us all?

Last night I was working on a Mother’s Day post for the magazine (it will be up tomorrow! Lots of good gift ideas for you.) when Twitter informed me that the president would be speaking to the nation at 10:30 at night. On a Sunday. And no one knows what he’s going to talk about.

At first I was like, “Hmm. Surely this doesn’t have anything to do with interrupting The Apprentice just to stick it to Donald Trump, only to update the nation on, say, Libya. Or BirthCertificateGate. Or unemployment.”

Then I wondered about other more terrible possibilities, listed here in the order that they entered my brain.

  • He’s been caught doing something bad and is getting in front of it.
  • He’s resigning.
  • He’s dying.
  • His wife is dying.
  • His dog died.
  • Biden is dead.
  • Biden has been dead for five years.
  • We’re going to war.
  • There’s a missile headed for Florida.
  • Nuclear attack is imminent.
  • Ice age is coming.
  • Radiation from Japan has entered our atmosphere and be on the lookout for extra appendages to begin sprouting from your foreheads.
  • Ninjas.
  • Taser-resistant drunks.
  • Aliens. Mad ones. Damn.
  • Zombies. REALLY HUNGRY ONES. SHIT.
  • ASTEROID. SHIT ASS MOFO. (imminent dying makes my potty mouth act up)
  • THE EARTH’S CORE HAS COOLED AND THE EARTH WILL STOP SPINNING AND UNLESS HILARY SWANK SAVES US BY DIGGING TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH AND SETTING IT SPINNING AGAIN, YOU CAN KISS YOUR NUTELLA GOODBYE.
  • THE SUN IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

I’m not even joking. My grasp of astronomy and geology is that terrible.

I said to myself, “What if the sun is going to explode?” How’s that for internal panic as every disaster movie you’ve ever seen comes rushing to you and suddenly you wonder if Obama is going to become our Bill Pulman or our Morgan Freeman? Will he fight the aliens himself? Will he save himself? Will a giant tidal wave carry my house to California? IS THE SKY FREAKING FALLING FOR REAL?!

By the time the news had finally leaked that Osama Bin Laden was dead at the hands of American soldiers (something I had almost given up on ever happening), I was clammy and shaking from fear of the unknown. And then I got a little bit pissed.

I mean, thank God he’s gone, but you know what, White House? The next time you’re going to tell me the president is going to address the nation unexpectedly on a Sunday night when half the east coast is in bed, and you’re not going to even give us a hint what it’s about, the new rule is that you have to at least tell us if it’s good news or bad news.

You got that? You say, “America [/Bernie Mac], the president will address the nation in one hour. Don’t panic. IT’S GOOD NEWS, AMERICA! EFF YEAH!”

Or you say, “America, the president will address the nation in one hour. Be sure to tune in if you’re still alive at that point in time. Also, anything tries to breach your doors, kill it with fire. Unless it eats fire, then try water. LOL. We don’t even know.”

At least let me know if I need to panic and prepare for aliens or zombies or Bruce Willis-resistant asteroids.

Maybe give it a Late Night Presidential Address Panic Scale. Where one is “All’s Cool” and five is “Five, four, three, two, one, boom.”

Save me from my imagination next time, okay?

That said. Osama is dead. America. Eff yeah.

[fist bump]





23 Comments

  1. Rachel
    May 2, 2011 1:07 pm

    Thank God I was already asleep when that announcement came out…. I probably would have thought of all of the above and then some!



  2. Amanda
    May 2, 2011 1:21 pm

    Or at the very least, don’t tell me it’s going to be at 10:30 then not come on until over an hour later. ;-)



  3. Gina
    May 2, 2011 1:36 pm

    “My grasp of astronomy and geology is that terrible” And yet your senior photo says otherwise…



  4. barbian1
    May 2, 2011 1:52 pm

    I am not ashamed to admit that I did the exact same thing. I wasn’t worried until my husband said that HE was scared. Then my imagination exploded.



  5. Lauren
    May 2, 2011 2:00 pm

    I watched Fox News and saw Geraldo Rivera giggling like a school girl. I guessed 20 minutes before it was announced that Bin Laden was dead : )



  6. john
    May 2, 2011 2:11 pm

    @ GINA: HAHAHAHAHHA



  7. Erin
    May 2, 2011 2:37 pm

    Haaaaaaaaaaa Gina!!



  8. bluzdude
    May 2, 2011 2:51 pm

    Gina FTW!

    I admit that I didn’t get any further than that we got Ghaddafi. All those other catastrophi never even occured to me. That’s why I’ll be one of the first to die in the next life-changing event. I’ll be sitting quietly waiting to be told what’s going on.

    Good thing for Twitter, which scooped the networks big time.



  9. Amanda
    May 2, 2011 2:53 pm

    I will also admit that since I was watching The Kennedys On Demand earlier in the day and just finished the Cuban Missile Crisis episode I did start freaking out and had some crazy scenarios running through my mind… :-D



  10. Butcher's Dog
    May 2, 2011 3:05 pm

    Gina wins.



  11. Leenyburgh
    May 2, 2011 3:08 pm

    The reason they buried him at sea is that they were afraid he would BECOME a really hungry zombie. That cat had 9 lives.



  12. red pen mama
    May 2, 2011 3:33 pm

    So glad I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Had I been awake, I would have been barring the door. And drinking my wine cellar (all six bottles) thinking, No point in saving this any more! Plus, I would not have wanted to be sober when the zombies attacked.

    Confession: I didn’t believe Twitter at first (at 6 a.m. this morning). I had to turn on the news. I’m sorry, Twitter. Please forgive me.



  13. LaReina
    May 2, 2011 3:38 pm

    Yeah, glad Osama’s dead, but really: it’s a big whopping “so what?” Are the terrorists suddenly going to stop hating everyone who isn’t a rabid Muslim? Will there be one less terrorist attack?



  14. JennyMoon
    May 2, 2011 4:15 pm

    My first thought was is this going to make gas prices go up or down?



  15. big chuck
    May 2, 2011 4:24 pm

    i was positive it was aliens, then i found out it was osama and went to bed



  16. sara
    May 2, 2011 5:17 pm

    ginny
    i love you and all, but it was plastered all over the news for an hour before he came on what it was about. there was no mystery by the time he came on.



  17. Virginia
    May 2, 2011 5:20 pm

    Sara, I’m aware.

    Which is why I wrote, “By the time the news leaked …”

    I’m talking about the period of time between when they first announced the president would be speaking and when the news finally leaked out. That’s all.



  18. Lee
    May 2, 2011 5:35 pm

    Sara, snark much?



  19. bucdaddy
    May 2, 2011 5:59 pm

    THE SUN IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

    There was an episode of “Night Gallery” where a little boy could see the future. He became a big deal, as you might imagine. And then one day the little boy became very quiet and wouldn’t predict anything. He only said he wanted everyone to be happy and love each other or some shit.

    Anyway, when his parents or whoever finally managed to pry it out of him, he said he could see the future only with regard to things he knew about. That day in school he had learned about supernovae.

    IIRC the episode ended with a close-up of the boiling surface of the sun, while the soundtrack played the cacophanous sound of humanity going about its daily business.

    It wasn’t scary, exactly, but it was haunting as hell.

    Thanks, thanks for my sleepless night.



  20. VAgirl
    May 2, 2011 7:41 pm

    Too much media and active imagination my blog friend. I was in slumberland at the time and had a note from the hubby next to the Keurig. OBL is gone but will probably live on in martyrdom. Peace will not be in our lifetime. The seeds have been sown and will always grow as long as mankind does not allow others to speak and live their lives as they believe.



  21. Marlene
    May 2, 2011 8:53 pm

    I thought he was going to admit that he got an F in Political Science prior to releasing his college transcripts for The Donald.



  22. biggeorge
    May 3, 2011 7:20 pm

    I am watching the daily show from yesterday, and Jon Stewart is stealing your lines! The one about Morgan Freeman and the asteroid.

    Maybe you should sue for plagiarism.

    Biggeorge



  23. Mermanda
    May 4, 2011 10:45 pm

    LOL @ Gina.

    I know we have already discussed this, but I was 100% sure we were about to be informed of alien lifeforms on Earth. I was a little sweaty about it… but mostly I felt like I was going to pass out. At least I am prepared for that announcement when that day finally comes (next year). Drink plenty of fluids.