I gotta stop bribing you guys because it keeps working. The Yinz Team Racing on behalf of the Mario Lemieux Foundation reached their goal, and you get a prize.
Here I am on my 18th birthday. May 30, 1992. If the math of that makes me older than 36, please don’t tell me because I currently believe I am 36.
What the hell should we talk about first? There’s no safe place for the eye to rest.
My white shorts up to my boobs? My blue denim shirt up to my chin?
My hair that 1991 Jon Bon Jovi would look at and go, “A bit much, don’t you think?”
The longing look in my eyes for a graduation gift certificate for electrolysis?
Forget me and my 1992 LOLz and let’s talk about that KITCHEN.
Somewhere, Laura Ingalls Wilder is vomiting in her grave.
As you can see, my father wallpapered the lower half of the kitchen wall with strawberry-themed wallpaper, and then being the wallpapering trailblazer that he is, wallpapered the top half of the wall in a DIFFERENT STRAWBERRY-THEMED WALLPAPER.
But my mother and father didn’t stop there. They apparently hit up a yard sale in rural Arkansas to find just the perfect things to hang on the walls. I see various lacquered wood carvings. I think I see some kind of basket hanging on the wall on the right there. I see an ornate “God Bless This House” plaque. I see GIANT FABRIC QUILTED CAT WALL HANGINGS.
That top cat is all, “WTF is this place?” and that bottom cat is all, “I think this is Strawberry Shortcake’s stomach. Did she eat us?”
I’m proud to say that my mother and father have excellent taste in home decorating now.
While my taste in fashion, hair and makeup remains questionable at best.
Thanks for donating to sick kids! Group hug!