Cotton ball clouds!
Strewn pigeon carcasses!
Welcome to My Happy Place: Where Pigeons Come to Die! Margaritas on the house in honor of Cinco de Mayo!
Have a seat over there on a smooth boulder by the Waterfall of Serenity and the Pool of Enhanced Calm, right next to all my self-united husbands (but step off!) and grab a baby bunny to hug and then listen up!
You there, get off of my unicorn and put down my baby koala bear.
And don’t nobody touch any of my Zima. Or my David Conrad.
Let’s talk about the latest in the Rashard Mendenhall Sucks at Twitter saga.
Yesterday, after countless national media outlets picked up the story, almost every one of them focused on the Bin Laden tweets and nary a one mentioning the misogynistic tweets — WHOOPS! We don’t use words like mysoginistic in My Happy Place!
For penance, I’ll stare at Joe Manganiello’s bare abs for three minutes.
[three minutes pass]
Okay, punishment over! As I was saying, the media had a field day, some of the more right-biased of them calling Rashard a Bin Laden sympathizer, which, that’s going a bit far, I think.
In response to the uproar, Rashard deleted his tweet about his disbelief that an airplane could bring down a skyscraper. He deleted his tweets about oral sex. Someone should explain to him that you can’t put toothpaste back into the tube once it’s out (h/t Sue Sylvester). It’s out. It’s out forever.
And then he promptly started a blog to explain himself and he quoted scripture AGAIN. Except he only explained his stance on celebrating Bin Laden’s death, which again, VALID.
Not that I’m a judge of what’s valid and what’s not when they come to opinions, but I can certainly opine on which opinions a Steeler should tweet on a verified Twitter account. That’s what I mean by “valid.”
Does that make sense? Drink a Zima. NOW does that make sense?
(I thought I told you not to touch my Zima. And you there making the eyes at Matt Lamanna? [awkward kung fun moves])
Like, you have an opinion that death shouldn’t be celebrated? Tweet it on your verified account as a Pittsburgh Steeler.
You have an opinion that perhaps the planes didn’t really bring down the towers and that makes it sound like those American soldiers in the Middle East that are Steelers fans are fighting a war on behalf of you and your freedoms for a bogus reason. DON’T TWEET IT.
You have an opinion that respect = oral sex. DON’T TWEET IT.
If there’s a chance that Rooney is going to personally call you and tell you to delete the tweet, DON’T TWEET IT.
Not because you don’t have the RIGHT, but because of the consequences of saying those things while you’re employed by the Steelers — Losing respect of some of your female fan base. Bad publicity for the team. Forcing Rooney to release a statement in support of the troops.
Rashard wrote an apology, which was the right thing to do:
I apologize for the timing as such a sensitive matter, but it was not meant to do harm. I apologize to anyone I unintentionally harmed with anything that I said, or any hurtful interpretation that was made and put in my name. It was only meant to encourage anyone reading it to think.
It worked. A lot of people now THINK he’s a douchebag.
Whose abs shall I stare at in penance for using the word douchebag in My Happy Place?
Daniel Sepulveda? Please rise.