Drugs sound fun.

Light posting today as I’ll be speaking to students at Kennywood about my experiences with social media and then stuffing my face with approximately 4,522 Potato Patch fries and 87 funnel cakes.

Remind me of this post in two weeks when none of my clothes fit and I’m forced to sew myself a muumuu from bed sheets, except I can’t sew, so I’ll just wrap myself in the sheet and use duct tape to belt it together.

To hold you over, here’s a fun one out of West Virginia sent to me by my brother-in-law Muchacho:

A West Virginia man found wearing women’s underwear and standing over a goat’s carcass told police he was high on bath salts.

Sheriff’s Deputy J.S. Shackelford says witnesses reported Thompson standing near a neighbor’s pygmy goat in a bedroom. He was wearing a bra and female underwear.

Another report:

He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers told The Gazette. “But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere.”

Officers found the small gray-and-white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to a police report.

A pornographic magazine photo was found lying near the animal’s carcass.

Thompson told police he had been using bath salts to get high for at least three days.

Bath salts, not be confused with the kind put in bathtubs, are a widely used designer drug that is not illegal, but achieves some of the same effects as LSD and ecstasy.

You know what?

I never understood the appeal of doing drugs, but now that I know they make you feel so awesome that you want to get naked, put on lingerie, look at porn and then do questionable things with and/or to a pygmy goat before stabbing it in the neck … SIGN ME UP.





27 Comments

  1. Monty
    May 6, 2011 10:00 am

    Let’s not count out the possibility that it was in self-defense. My pygmy goat used to go apeshit when I walked in on him while he was reading porn. I think we can all agree that a blue-balled pygmy goat can get out of control.

    That doesn’t explain the lingerie, but if we convict him for that, then Al Qaeda has already won.



  2. Lauren
    May 6, 2011 10:05 am

    Am I the only one sad for the goat? That’s someone’s pet.



  3. Butcher's Dog
    May 6, 2011 10:17 am

    I’d love to say “Only in West Virginia.” But I know better.



  4. jennviolet
    May 6, 2011 10:22 am

    Disturbing. Though this is the second crazy story I’ve heard involving bath salts. I have no words.

    So envious of your Kennywood “food” trip. Great way to end the week.



  5. Sue
    May 6, 2011 10:22 am

    There have been several people overdose on bath salts in the Altoona area. Who dreamed that up. Lets melt some bath salt and shoot it into our veins. Yeah! Good times! What is wrong with people?



  6. NicoleinTallahassee
    May 6, 2011 10:52 am

    The bath salts are not real bath salts; they’re specially made ones that are a combination of chemicals to create a high. There is also something similar going on with incense – it’s called synthetic marijuana.

    Florida has recently had to ban it b/c the chemicals are not illegal – there is currently a federal ban being pushed through but it hasn’t been finalized yet …



  7. bucdaddy
    May 6, 2011 11:06 am

    B-Dog,

    Obviously, we have enough problems down here, so I’ll thank yinz to keep your serial-killer-wannabe trash out of our fine, fiscally solvent state and away from our easily corruptible citizens:

    http://wowktv.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=98842&printview=1

    In the meantime … I’d kill a few people myself for some Potato Patch fries right now. With chili and cheese.



  8. RJQ
    May 6, 2011 11:29 am

    I want a corndog with cheese so bad, right now.

    Poor goat :(



  9. Me
    May 6, 2011 11:33 am

    Poor little goat.



  10. AngryMongo
    May 6, 2011 12:02 pm

    Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop worshipping Satan… while high.



  11. Bram R
    May 6, 2011 12:47 pm

    Great, so it turns out I’ve been using the wrong kind of bath salts. So many wasted nights … wasted goats …



  12. MattDC
    May 6, 2011 12:50 pm

    This is only the first hint of what will happen if the Republicans fail to get significant spending cuts in the debt ceiling bill.



  13. AngryMongo
    May 6, 2011 1:28 pm

    “Who taught you how to do this stuff?”

    “I learned it from watching ewe!”



  14. Carpetbagger
    May 6, 2011 1:48 pm

    Same thing happened to me last night. Except I was high from Margarita salts… which are not the same kind of salts they put on Margarita glasses. And it was a pigeon, not a goat. And it was a Pottery Barn catalog, not porn. And I was wearing a Pittsburgh Pahr jersey, not women’s underwear. Other than that, same thing.



  15. Butcher's Dog
    May 6, 2011 1:53 pm

    AngryMongo wins. Carpetbagger in second.

    @bucdaddy: fiscal solvency trumps any and all social problems. That should be obvious from the actions of Republican administrations in states all across this great nation of ours. Just sayin’.



  16. CrashJK
    May 6, 2011 2:08 pm

    Are you sure that wasn’t one of the Washington Capitals after the sweep ?!?!?! Could have been Mike Green ? Alex Semin ? Nicky Backstrom ???
    Just sayin….



  17. Bulldog
    May 6, 2011 2:34 pm

    Monty – that made my day. O.k it’s a pretty slow day, but still it made me laugh out loud.



  18. MattDC
    May 6, 2011 2:45 pm

    @bucdaddy and Butchers Dog — Like I said, a sound debt ceiling bill with additional FY10 spending cuts will reduce instances of both pygmy goat beastiality and West Virginia killing sprees.



  19. Beth
    May 6, 2011 4:08 pm

    Blue-balled Pygmy Goat would make a great band name.



  20. ajm
    May 6, 2011 4:19 pm

    someone’s been baaaaad.



  21. Ava
    May 6, 2011 10:46 pm

    …A goat? Goodness. Amusing yet somewhat disturbing story, though.

    I heard you speak at Kennywood today, and, to be honest, I found you and your “Butler” the most interesting of those presenting.



  22. bucdaddy
    May 7, 2011 1:09 am

    I should note that by “fiscally solvent” I meant that our tax revenue has exceeded budget projections in something like 10 of the past 11 months, so we’re running a nice surplus. OTOH, I believe we have the same large unfunded pension deficit as everyone else, but have managed to cut it down a little. OTOOH, I believe we also have a sizeable rainy day fund. Joe Manchin deserves credit for much of that.

    Our roads are for shit, and he deserves some credit for that, too.



  23. alex
    May 7, 2011 9:02 am

    hey, I was at Kennywood yesterday and watched you speak. It was very interesting, so thankyou for being there :)



  24. LaReina
    May 7, 2011 12:23 pm

    Perhaps balt salt boy was celebrating bin Laden’s death by having his way with a goat. It seemed appropriate to him, anyway.

    bucdaddy, I’m sorry to say WV is not fiscally solvent. Did you forget about all the unfunded pensions? Mojo did nothing about that (but he had a fine-looking party tent there for a while).



  25. kevin
    May 8, 2011 7:45 pm

    Guys need to understand. Naaaaahhhh, means naaaaaaaahh.



  26. unsatisfied
    May 8, 2011 10:18 pm

    I love how a thread in response to a story about some bath-salt-sniffin’, goat-killin’ west virginia wahoo becomes a discussion dealing with fiscal solvency.



  27. bucdaddy
    May 9, 2011 12:21 am

    LaReina, see @ 22.