Radio Silence Until .500 Ball

After I wrote my most recent Buccos of Suckitude post in which I determined that talking about the Pirates seems to curse them and effectively throw a three-foot-high steel-spiked speed bump in their path to .500 ball, I did what I said I would do.

I shut up. Hard.

I didn’t talk about it. Didn’t tweet about it. Didn’t blog about it.

Radio silence.

They rewarded me by losing and dropping one more game away from .500 ball.

I stayed silent. No talking about the Pirates until they hit .500 ball.

They rewarded me by winning and once again coming to one game from .500 ball.

I threw the key to my lips away and sat on my hands.

Then yesterday afternoon, they blew an early lead against the Astros, and it didn’t look good.

I seriously considered tweeting a keyboard smash. “hjbgjklsdzcx!” DRUNK HULK ANGRY!

I typed it into my twitter window and deleted it.

I drank Merlot out of a Buzz Lightyear cup. For serious.

Then Doumit hit a three-run homer, putting the Suckitude up by one.

I seriously considered tweeting a happy shout-out. “DOUMIT! #Buccos”

I didn’t.

A few minutes later I typed in, “If the Buccos reach .500 ball, I’m going to freak.”

But my finger hovered over my phone knowing if I touched “send” Ronny Cedeno’s ears would perk up like a dog hearing a squirrel blink and he would instantaneously find a way to point the team’s nose to the ground and flick on the tailspin switch.

I erased it. I waited. I flipped Ronny Cedeno off and thought about demanding his balls on a stick. Just ’cause.

Top of the ninth. One away.

Two away.

“ONE OUT AWAY FROM .500 BALL!” I typed into Twitter, but I didn’t post it.

For the greater good, for God, country, man, land animals, Regis Philbin, it was imperative that I remained silent.

Finally, THREE AWAY!

.500 ball on May 8 for the first time in 6 years!

2.5 games out of first place!

Commence with the freaking out and orgasmic tweeting!

Rest assured, I will shut up about it if we fall below again, but for now, I suggest you hop on my bandwagon before I have to start turning people away as a safety precaution.

As a reminder, I always give fair warning to my passengers to jump, tuck, and roll before I light the sum’bitch on fire and roll it into the Mon.


  1. Aileen
    May 9, 2011 10:09 am

    Here’s something that was never heard in our house last year: “Hey, Dad, are we going to the game tonight? Charlie Morton’s pitching. I want to go.”

    It’s a sign of the apocolypse, for sure.

  2. WI Mom
    May 9, 2011 10:15 am

    yippee (typed in a very soft whisper)

  3. bucdaddy
    May 9, 2011 10:20 am

    .500 is better than under .500.

    That is all.

  4. bucdaddy
    May 9, 2011 11:04 am

    Oh, I’ll add that while I don’t expect this team to wind up at .500 or, quite frankly, anywhere near it, they’re already much more fun to follow than that disspirited and going-through-the-motions bunch last year. Just about as aggravating too (I’m looking at you, Ronny), but certainly more fun. There’s the real feel of a team on the way up from Rock Bottom.

    (Sorry, UFO in town tonight and I’m psyched.)

  5. unsatisfied
    May 9, 2011 11:57 am

    they’re still shitty.

  6. AngryMongo
    May 9, 2011 12:32 pm

    #2 Can I help? :)

  7. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    May 9, 2011 12:44 pm

    When Ryan Doumit hit that HR, I high-fived everyone around me. It was like we won the World Series or something. Then, when Hanrahan gave up that hit with two outs, for a fleeting moment, my stomach sank, but then we won and it was celebration city! It made the drive back to Harrisburg so much easier!

  8. Rich D
    May 9, 2011 12:50 pm

    4 years ago I vowed not to go to another Pirates game until they won 82 games… This year I am really struggling to keep to that vow.

  9. Butcher's Dog
    May 9, 2011 1:35 pm

    Charlie Morton’s no longer Chuck and Duck. Correia’s better than anyone on the mound last year. Just sayin’.

  10. Aileen
    May 9, 2011 2:03 pm

    @Butcher’s Dog – Greg Brown actually refers to Charlie Morton as “Ground Chuck” when he has his sinker working because of all the ground balls.

    @BucDaddy – Ronny Cedeno drives me insane. You may see me tased someday at PNC Park – jumping off the Pirate dugout and making a beeline for the shortstop position.

  11. AngryMongo
    May 9, 2011 2:13 pm

    Doh! Disregard my posts..

  12. Butcher's Dog
    May 9, 2011 3:14 pm

    @Aileen: Greg Brown (who should be replaced with a real announcer as soon as everyone realizes we have a real team) just started calling Morton Ground Chuck in the last game. One more lame attempt at humor from the owner of the most pathetic fake laugh in the history of human humor. Chuck and Duck was my pet name for Morton last year. Seemed pretty appropriate then, but not now. Score one for the new coaching staff.

  13. Matt
    May 9, 2011 3:31 pm


    Pretty sad a city has to cheer because a team finally hit .500 baseball.

  14. Aileen
    May 9, 2011 4:22 pm

    I’m really happy for Charlie Morton – it’s like watching a grown-up version of Bad News Bears.

    Matt, we’d better hope the Pirates don’t fall into their annual abyss.

    Because, if the NFL doesn’t resolve its lockout, it’s a long time until the Pens open training camp. I’m just sayin’.

  15. empirechick
    May 9, 2011 4:34 pm

    100% agreed, @Matt. The bar has been set so low that we’re now excited about a C average. I’m sure there will be the same enthusiasm the next time the Steelers go 8-8.

  16. WI Mom
    May 10, 2011 8:13 am

    @#2 updated – Bucs are +1-

    Yippee… (typed in a quiet speaking voice)