Your phone will kill you and your loved ones. Next at 5.

WTAE has a teaser up that’ll put the fear of technology in you:

Now I’m scared.

INSTANT danger?!

Do you snap the picture and your phone explodes?

Do you snap the picture and your phone shoots a bullet into your subject’s bellybutton?

Do you snap the picture and it emits a laser beam to your house, destroying it?

Do you snap the picture and it sends a signal out to an evil man with superpowers who instantly flies to where you are and beats the shit out of you and your loved ones?!

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL FIVE O’CLOCK TO LEARN HOW MY SMARTPHONE PICS ARE PUTTING ME IN INSTANT DANGER!

Also, how did they convince a guy to take a smartphone pic for this story? “Hey, we’ll film you taking a picture for our story. Are you cool with the fact that it will put your family in INSTANT DANGER?!”

If you need me before five, I’ll be in my secret bunker taking a sledgehammer to my smartphone to stop its nefarious plotting of my untimely death.

God save us all from the robot uprising.





14 Comments

  1. unsatisfied
    May 9, 2011 11:56 am

    I was going to comment….but, the comment on the ‘TAE site under this very important story says it all better than I can:

    MoronicRightWingedYinzer
    May. 6, 2011 10:00pm EST

    LET ME GUESS, THE NEWS IS GOIN TO TELL US HOW PUTTING THEM ONLINE CAN AVADE OUR PRIVACY. DANGER, DANGER, SOMEBODY MIGHT STALK YOU OR TRY TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE. THE NEWS IS NOTHING BUT CRACK FOR A PARANOID SCHIZO!



  2. Stacey
    May 9, 2011 12:04 pm

    Ah so this was what ‘TAE was doing on the corner of Grant and Forbes the other day. I was asked if I took pictures with my phone and just lied my way out of being put on the news.



  3. AngryMongo
    May 9, 2011 12:12 pm

    What if my kid does something cute at 4pm?



  4. JenEngland
    May 9, 2011 12:12 pm

    Yeah. I’m pretty sure I’m in this story. I felt bad for them. No one was stopping to talk to them [glares at Stacey ;) ] so I obliged. I have to admit, she made a point I had never thought of and it was a little shocking as a generally savvy parent to realize I’d never thought to talk to my child about this…



  5. spoon
    May 9, 2011 12:49 pm

    Up next: Did you know that getting into your car and going to work is a sign for thieves to rob your house? Why staying at home and never leaving is your safest bet!

    This wont be a real story though unless Stockey wrestles a blender



  6. Rich D
    May 9, 2011 12:52 pm

    Local news makes me feel stabby.



  7. Pica U
    May 9, 2011 12:56 pm

    Just another fine example of what WTAE tries to pass off as journalism. They wouldn’t know a real news story if it jumped out of the teleprompter and slapped Andrew upside the head.



  8. Different Brian
    May 9, 2011 1:57 pm

    Everyone knows cameras steal your soul. How else can they put YOU on the paper? A tiny little demon who paints it? Witchcraft, I say! This is old news.

    (Actually my money is on GPS tagging)



  9. Aileen
    May 9, 2011 1:59 pm

    Maybe the phone is given to the 3 year old who used a blow torch last week to set his house and a neighboring house on fire.

    I’m not sure which fine county that story came from – I think it was either Lawrence or Mercer – although I confess that I thought Fayette when I first heard it on the news.



  10. Burgh Bird
    May 9, 2011 2:05 pm

    Maybe I’m wrong, but if it’s what I think it is, another station had the same story during February sweeps. Smartphone photos have some sort of location tag on them. People looking at the pic that you or your teenager just uploaded to facebook can somehow find the info and come snatch you or your child up. Of course, the story I saw in Feb also pretty much gave all stalkers and child molesters instructions on how to find this info. Awesome.



  11. Butcher's Dog
    May 9, 2011 3:11 pm

    @Aileen: it was Lawrence County! Leave us up here in Mercer County to our own devices, please. Also, it was the dog’s blanket in his garage and some stuff on the neighbor’s back porch. And the dog wouldn’t let anyone near the kid.



  12. bucdaddy
    May 10, 2011 11:08 am

    Oh, snap!

    (Somebody had to do it.)



  13. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    May 10, 2011 11:38 am

    @Burgh Bird — cell phone pics do have the location data embedded in them, but facebook actually does strip that data out when it’s uploaded to facebook so you can’t get the location data from that picture, but you can get it if you upload to other sites like a blog or flickr. There’s a way you can go into your cell phone camera settings and turn that function off.



  14. bucdaddy
    May 10, 2011 11:47 am

    Ain’t technology wonderful? You can put all your photos on the Net and bore the everliving **** out of thousands of people at a time, rather than boring the everliving **** out of just the random few people who would make the mistake of wandering over to your house for a Sunday afternoon visit.

    God bless technology for making it easier and easier for millions of people to take terrible photos.