I’m not sorry.

I hate bugs.

We have discussed this, Internet.

I hate all kinds of bugs. There isn’t a bug that I particularly enjoy holding in my hands, not even ladybugs (this is residual from the Great Ladybug Scourge of 1993 in Texas in which we would wake up with ladybugs in our hair). Caterpillars are scritchy. Lightning bugs move. Pill bugs roll up and you can’t do anything but flick ’em hard and listen for their fading screams of terror.

Butterflies? They fly. You know how I feel about the flying things. I mean, I’m not out there trying to punch butterflies where they rest, but if one lands on my nose I will show it who is the boss of this Earth.

The people. The people are the boss, bugs.

Now, I am also not one of those people who screams like a sissy when I am in the vicinity of a bug. I will remain calm and I will destroy the bug with a rock solid steely determination.

Centipedes get stomped with boots until their legs are dismembered.

Stink bugs get either sucked or flushed, depending on the proximity of the Oreck.

Spiders get annihilated with Raid.

Ants enjoy a relaxing stay at the ant motel where we serve rat poison for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and two daily snacks. Free of charge.

That’s IN the house, mind you. Out of the house, I generally leave bugs alone.

AS LONG AS THEY LEAVE ME ALONE.

There are two bugs that are not leaving me alone right now, and it’s not the stink bugs.

The first are the lightning bugs. They have taken to holding early evening orgies en masse on my SUV so much so that when I first get in my car, I have to use my windshield wipers to swipe their conjoined sexually frantic bodies away. It’s hard to drive, you see, with all that bug sex happening right in your line of vision. However, they’re really just bothering my car and unless I find a hundred pairs of them engaged in questionable activities on my actual person, I’ll allow them to continue with their sexually promiscuous ways.

The second are what I have determined to be Carpenter Bees. Or as I call them Sons of Satan.

They are as big as small birds and relentless in their dive-bombing of me while I am working outside. They hover in place like hummingbirds and just sort of size you up. Staring at you. Buzzing. Looking. Thinking, “SOON.”

“SOON.”

I tried shooing them away but they are persistent. They will fly away for ten seconds to shoot tequila and then return to their hovering, buzzing, looking ways.

And then they come at you and your body and your face and they attempt to burrow into your exposed flesh. I believe.

I’m not carrying any nectar so why else would they do this? They’re either motivated by nectar or evil, and in this case, I’m positive it’s evil.

I got tired shooing at them so I resorted to smacking them with my tennis racket and I gotta tell you. That shit works.

BOOM.

Now when I tweeted this, there were some that were sad. Frowny face. I’m killing bees. Harshly. Cutting their bodies into perfect cubes with one fell swoop.    :D :(

No, I’m sending a message to divebombing assholes who have no respect for my personal space.

There is a difference.

I’m not a horrible person. If they want to go and have all kinds of crazy giant bee sex all over my car, then have at it. I won’t interrupt them even to offer them teeny tiny condoms or cigarettes or wee little pamphlets on bee STDs.  “Bee Safe!” they would read.

But a bee as big as a baby mouse, ramming into my belly button at full speed despite the fact that I am thousands of times bigger and frantically waving my arms, gets introduced to my friend Wilson.

He never misses and he never apologizes.

Currently, I’m up 40-love.

Service.





34 Comments

  1. Heather
    May 11, 2011 4:53 pm

    Wow, No kidding, my 4 year old told me he learned about bugs in preschool today and started talking about “bees that make holes in your house.” I told him that Pappy (my dad) has those holes in his shed and that he usually goes after the bees with a tennis racket!!! I thought we were the only evil bee killing family around! Glad to know there are others out there!



  2. Jake
    May 11, 2011 5:03 pm

    My grandparents used to send my sister and I after the carpenter (we called them “borer”) bees that were attacking their garage with badminton rackets. Good times… They make a very satisfying thud when you hit them.



  3. Cassie
    May 11, 2011 5:12 pm

    Apicide. Google it. Best stuff ever.



  4. Tina Fey
    May 11, 2011 6:45 pm

    Okay, Gin. I have much knowledge of the carpenter bee as they used to dive bomb me when I’d walk to my car at the old house. As terrifying as they may seem, you’ll be pleased to know that the ones that hover and fly at you are the male bees and they are harmless as they do not have a stinger. The one you want to avoid is the female bee who will usually be the one that’s on the flower working her magic. She will leave you alone as long as you leave her alone. The male hoverer is on the lookout for the female bee and is trying to scare away potential harm-doers. So while God gave the male lookout bees no actual way to protect the female workers, he did make them very irritating, much like he did with humans.



  5. YinzerInExile
    May 11, 2011 7:03 pm

    Dude. I live in the godforsaken south, where we are currently under siege of cicada brood xix. And by “we” I really mean “me” because godforsaken southerners are entirely inured to giant, crazily-flying insects, what with all the roaches that amble into their houses and nest in their hair while they sleep, and possibly crawl up their noses and do lord knows whatall sordid buggy things. The other day, one flew into my hair and I’ve since been dealing with family members assuring me that, seventeen years from now, cicada babies will be emerging from my scalp.

    So, despite the fact that I actually like bees, I support your one woman warfare. Because its certainly better than the apathy that surrounds me here.

    Also: someone please get me the hell north.



  6. Clementine
    May 11, 2011 7:23 pm

    They will bore some serious holes in exposed wood. After a few summers, the side of our old shed looked like Swiss cheese. And then a woodpecker family moved into the neighborhood and ate ’em up! Unfortunately, this involved loud jackhammering of the shed to get every last tasty bee morsel. Nature can be annoying.

    My dad used to go after them with a 2×4. More like cricket than tennis, but he seemed to enjoy it. No matter how many he took down, they kept coming back. Which makes sense if only the males were flying around.



  7. Sue
    May 11, 2011 9:35 pm

    Oh my gosh! Carpenter Bees – we had them two years ago and they practically destroyed our deck – we finally got rid of the bees and the darn woodpeckers came pecking on the deck to get at the carpenter bee larva that were in the holes they bored out. We felt like we were under attack. Our poor deck. I hope you kill them all with your racket.



  8. mel
    May 11, 2011 9:56 pm

    I was laughing out loud at the “Bee Safe” literature.

    We have them too, obnoxiously big, bold beasts that are quickly destroying our fence in the back of the yard. Truly, I’ve never been stunk. Seems that big, round bees are not the most dangerous (bumbles being the other most large, least dangerous type) but they can be quite intimidating and annoying. Try to ignore them but keep that racquet handy.



  9. mel
    May 11, 2011 9:57 pm

    oops, meant to say “never been stung” (not stunk). OH, I’ve been stunk, many times. Oh yeah.



  10. Marci
    May 11, 2011 11:08 pm

    I am currently vacationing in Florida where there are “love bugs.” Male and female bugs similar to lightning bugs but they don’t glow, they are, um, connected. My 13 year old son finds them funny, my 6 year old has too many questions. Apparently they do what they do then die and if you get too many of them on your car, they can peel of the paint.



  11. Heather
    May 11, 2011 11:35 pm

    We’ve got them too, and in all seriousness, can anyone tell me how to get rid of them? I’ve tried many things and none of them work.



  12. bucdaddy
    May 12, 2011 1:28 am

    I take offense. Bucdaughter’s nickname is Bug, short for Ladybug.

    Well, mild offense, anyway.

    We are enduring the annual black ant infestation. I don’t mind them, much, as long as they respect my space. Mrs. Daddy doesn’t like them at all. She’s tried to poison them in the past, which she’s convinced works, though I’m equally convinced they just go away when they’re good and ready and she mistakes this for victory in the Buggie Battle.

    I tell her it’s better than having roaches, which we had by the scads when we lived in Virginia. She says, why do we have to put up with either? I say because ants are beneficial insects, whereas roaches are Satan’s spawn, but she doesn’t want to hear that.

    Although she’s being remarkably tolerant of the ants ever since I showed her this:*

    http://www.esquire.com/features/argentine-ant-control-0810

    *–I probably didn’t actually show her this, I don’t think, because she’d have freaked right the **** out, but it was a good way to introduce this story, for thos who have NO IDEA how buggy things can get.



  13. AngryMongo
    May 12, 2011 8:29 am

    When I used to work at Cedar Point we would get three infestations of pests, throughout the summer.

    In June we what they called, Muffleheads. I believe they are also called midges, not Rendell’s wife, mind you.

    They look like they have pipe cleaners sprouting out of their head and they are everywhere. They also stain clothes when you swat them on your person.

    In July, it was the May-Fly swarms. They weren’t so bad. We would hold them by the wings and place them on our shoulders, while we worked. When you would watch people drive away the parking lot would sound like pop snaps going off under peoples tires.

    In August, it was spiders big enough to carry off small, unattended children.



  14. Brian
    May 12, 2011 8:33 am

    “and I will destroy the bug with a rock solid steely determination.”

    With Steely McBeam determination?



  15. Jill M
    May 12, 2011 8:54 am

    I just bought my father in law (AKA King of Gadgetland!) a tennis racket that has a spot for a AA battery and becomes a bug zapper. I may go back for one for myself!



  16. AngryMongo
    May 12, 2011 9:19 am

    @Jill How does fare against neighbor children who stray into the yard?



  17. Amanda
    May 12, 2011 9:49 am

    I think I just found a new hobby to take up. Hopefully that will improve my real tennis skills too. :-D



  18. bluzdude
    May 12, 2011 9:50 am

    If it’s buzzing, and flying near me, it’s gotta go.

    Once, as a teenager, one of those big loud bumblebees got in the house. I snapped it to death with a dish towel. Then I walked away, with the dish towel tucked into my belt, with the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing in my head.



  19. red pen mama
    May 12, 2011 9:56 am

    “Bee Safe” *giggle*

    I have much the same attitude about bugs: inside my house, you are fair game; outside, as you were.

    However, if I were getting dive-bombed by carpenter bees — and those things are huge — I would resort to violence, too. I don’t have a tennis racket though. Machete? I have one!

    Also, violence toward bugs is frowned upon by my younger daughter. We came across a slug on our back stoop recently. I think slugs are perhaps the most disgusting living things on earth. My older daughter thought we should kill it. My younger daughter solemnly informed us that we couldn’t kill it. “It’s a living thing.” Right. But I’m thinking drowning in beer (how to kill slugs!) is not a bad way to go. (Don’t do the salt thing. You can hear the sluggy screams.)



  20. Gina
    May 12, 2011 10:11 am

    I hate bugs, too! I don’t care if they are “good” bugs or not – they’re bugs and I hate them. And it hasn’t been a good year for a bug-hater like me – the winter saw more giant spiders in my basement. All damned year, I have had a billion jillion stinkbugs, and i recently had not one, but TWO TICKS in my head in one week. HATE!!

    We had a problem with carpenter bees a few years ago – we’d come home to little piles on sawdust on the deck and look up to see huge holes bored into the wood from those evil vermin.



  21. bucdaddy
    May 12, 2011 10:11 am

    Bee healthy! Eat your honey.



  22. mfj
    May 12, 2011 10:45 am

    Pretty sure lightning bugs don’t make an appearance this far north for another month or so. You may want to get that checked.



  23. Kristin
    May 12, 2011 10:58 am

    Feel free to unleash the full wrath of Ginny on the stinkbugs — they are an agricultural pest capable of destroying a farm or garden like a plague of locusts. But there are good bugs that we should leave be, even when they annoy us. The carpenter bee is one. They very rarely cause structural damage to wood and they are excellent pollinators. And in a world where the future of domestic honeybees is uncertain, we should protect natural pollinators as much as possible.
    You need a copy of “Good Bug, Bad Bug” by local author Jessica Walliser so you know which bugs are worthy of your wrath: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0976763192/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/183-4279866-3115306



  24. Janelle
    May 12, 2011 11:07 am

    1) Found a dead baby ladybug in my friend’s pool last night. I felt bad for it. But not the dead spiders.
    2) My cousin, and girlfriend of said friend, is getting an exterminator to come rid their house on Mt. Washington of centipedes.
    3) I have a massive bee infestation in the landscaping at my parents’ house. The dog keeps trying to climb in there. Not good.



  25. ajm
    May 12, 2011 11:11 am

    @Yinzer

    I just moved back to the ‘burgh from the South. Best decision ever. I feel your pain.



  26. Jill M
    May 12, 2011 12:21 pm

    @angrymongo….hmmm – good thought, I may have to do a scientific experiment on that.



  27. n'at-lanta
    May 12, 2011 1:07 pm

    @Yinzer – I too am currently stranded in the South, and although I am not yet battling the cicadas, I have seen my first “palmetto” bug of the season, as well as a carpenter bee infestation of my own. What part of the south are you in? Do they have any good Steeler bars there?



  28. burghgal
    May 12, 2011 1:15 pm

    You’re not alone with the bug hatred. I have had stinkbugs in my house since last fall.. when I discovered they were using the vents in my brand new windows as doggy doors to get into my house all day long while I work.

    I live right next to the woods, so I’m overloaded with the big hairy brown and black spiders, wasps, bees, oh yeah and the crickets all hang out on the back of my house until night to go into the woods.

    They are quite fun for the cat to chase and eat.. sometimes she spits out the legs when she’s done.

    Mice.. another problem. I can’t figure out why all the critters want inside my house with me.



  29. MadMadMad
    May 12, 2011 1:31 pm

    You want to talk about scary looking bees, google Cicada Killer wasps. My in-laws had them in the ground outside the front door, but didn’t realize it until we came to visit and were wandering around outside one morning. They are MASSIVE. Like, make carpenter bees look like gnats by comparison. Apparently, they tend to stay away from humans and don’t sting unless provoked, but I can report that an exterminator will come out for an emergency visit on a Saturday morning for a lovely fee…….



  30. Amanda
    May 12, 2011 1:39 pm

    I giggled at the Bee Safe pamphlet too. But was also thinking it was early for lightening bugs. I have these things called box elder bugs that swarm over our house especially in the fall and spring. And they are black and oval shaped like the lightening bugs. But they have some red on their backs. I never saw one until I moved to our current house. It must be some sort of box elder bug resort or something.



  31. YinzerInExile
    May 12, 2011 7:26 pm

    @n’at-lanta (brilliant!) — I currently dwell in the fetid, sucking chest wound that is Augusta. It’s hideous, but there is actually a pretty decent Steeler bar here (aptly named “Somewhere In Augusta”). In fact, that’s pretty much the only thing that’s here, unless you count a wee, life-sized statue of James Brown, armadillos (mostly dead), and mealy peaches. Which I don’t. :P

    I cannot wait to come home. Cannot. Wait.

    @MadMadMad — I will reward you handsomely for a live shipment of those wasps . . .



  32. Burgh Bird
    May 12, 2011 10:40 pm

    One of those male carpenter bees prevented me from spending a perfectly wonderful afternoon on my porch on Tuesday. I don’t usually freak out about bees, but I had never seen one of these before, and I swatted at it a few times with my awesome sun hat and it didn’t help. So I took my water, cell phone, regular phone, laptop beach towel and hat back in the house and looked up giant bumble bees on the interwebs till I found out what the hell it was.

    Angry Mongo- I was at a Pirate game when the mayflies swarmed and then died. It was like the heavens were raining down ickey gooey bugs, dying as they fell from the sky. There was nowhere to walk or sit where you would not crush them. Worst. First. Date. Ever.



  33. bucdaddy
    May 13, 2011 1:44 am

    Annnnd something just ran across the carpet and hid under the door. There’s Kleenex-sized critters and there’s paper napkin-sized critters, and this is the latter.

    Say hello to the inside of my trash can, critter.